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Wednesday, March 10, 2010
The David Lee Roth Guide To Livin' Right: CHOOSE LARCENY (NOT DARKNESS)
"What I represent is attitude, point of view. What I represent is some sort of spiritual neighborhood. If you hate me then you hate your most favorite parts about yourself. Ozzy is the Prince of Darkness and I'm the Patron Saint of Larceny. Who would you rather be?"
Tags: David Lee Roth, inspirational quotes
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From the Spin Archives: Madonna Eats Out Of Garbage Cans, Maintains A Lint-Free Belly Button
So the complete archives of Spin magazine are now available on Google books - every issue, in its entirety, ads and all. It's total porn for bonkers-nostalgic rock-nerd girls like me, I'm trolling through each issue one by one starting with the May '85 premiere and it's just such a trip. A few highlights from that first ish: an interview with U2, whose lead singer's this dude by the name of "Bono Vox"; a David Lee Roth-authored column on how to pimp your lowrider; a really amazing Pontiac ad starring Hall & Oates; plus some back-page story about this sorta-new band called the Red Hot Chili Peppers who say lots of stupid stuff but hey maybe they're really going places! And, of course, there's the cover story on Madonna, who is 26 and writes all her songs "with aerobics in mind" and so wins the Liz Barker award for "Best Madonna Ever." Some good quotes:
"WHEN WE'D RUN OUT OF MONEY, I'd pass by the garbage can in the lobby of the Music Building, and if it smelled really good - like if there was a Burger King bag sitting on top that someone had just deposited - I'd open it up, and if I was lucky, there would be French fries that hadn't been eaten. I'm a vegetarian, which is why I didn't eat the burger."
"MY FAVORITE BUTTON IS MY BELLY BUTTON. I have the most perfect belly button: an inny, and there's no lint in it. I never wore a jewel in my belly, but if I did it would be a ruby or an emerald, but not a diamond. When I stick my finger in my belly button, I feel a nerve in the center of my body shoot up my spine. If 100 belly buttons were lined up against a wall, I could definitely pick out which one is mine."
"I WAS NEVER A GIRL SCOUT, but I was a Campfire Girl and a Brownie. Campfire Girls had the cooler uniform. I was never good at being part of an organization. When I was a Brownie, I ate all the cookies. When I was a Campfire Girl, I'd camp out with the boys and get into trouble."
Tags: 1985, belly buttons, BONO VOX???, Burger King, David Lee Roth, Girl Scouts, Madonna, magazines, Red Hot Chili Peppers
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Tuesday, March 9, 2010
THE ASTRO-BEATLES POWER HOUR, by Laura Jane Faulds
Fucking Fuck Yeah, Laura JANE. I did it, Guys! I told you I was going to make astro-Beatles mixes for every zodiac sign, and then I DID. Because I'm awesome, and this is the exact sort of thing that I can contribute, to society. Just call me The Susan Miller of Penny Lane. If you want.
Anyway, yeah, I did this. I did this for EVERYBODY, because I think it's important. I think it's important that every single person reading this goes and makes a playlist of the Astro-Beatles mix I made for them, and then uploads it to their stupid iPod or whatever, listens to it, and has an Astro-Beatles Power Hour with themselves. Then, report back to me. It is so important, to have Astro-Beatles Power Hours. It's just something you need to do, as a human being, in my opinion. It helps you connect to the Universe, and yourself. While living your Astro-Beatles Power Hour, which means, "listening to the Astro-Beatles mix I made you," you should probably do something related to your Zodiac sign. I like to live my Astro-Beatles Power Hours while sitting on my balcony, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and looking at the sky, and thinking about it (the sky), because I'm a Cancer, and that's a very Cancerian experience to have. Tauruses should have Astro-Beatles Power Hours while sitting in the woods. Leos should live Astro-Beatles Power Hours while looking at lions at the zoo. Capricorns should have their Astro-Beatles Power Hours at Starbucks. Etc etc etc. GOD. What would this world do without me??????
I also went through the trouble to bold the Beatles songs from all your Astro-Beatles mixes that I feel are most important to embodying the spirit of your particular Zodiac sign, in case you are one of the crappier Zodiac signs and thusly are too lazy and jaded to participate in an entire Astro-Beatles Power Hour. Please, at very least, do me a favor and listen to those songs, and think about your Zodiac sign.
I promise it's so worth it. Cosmically worth it.
Arieses are aggro and pushy, like John Lennon's moon sign. They should listen primarily to early Beatles songs that are forceful and instructional in nature.
I. Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band; II. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window; III. Kansas City/Hey-Hey-Hey-Hey; IV. Slow Down; V. You Can't Do That; VI. Besame Mucho; VII. My Bonnie; VIII. Run For Your Life; IX. Got To Get You Into My Life; X. When I Get Home; XI. Shout; XII. Good Morning Good Morning; XIII. Why Don't We Do It In The Road?; XIV. It Won't Be Long; XV. I'm Down
Tauruses are like trees. They should listen to Beatles songs that sound like the colours green and brown. Also: olive.
I. Back in the USSR; II. One After 909; III. Cry For A Shadow; IV. Old Brown Shoe; V. Get Back; VI. What Goes On; VII. With A Little Help From My Friends; VIII. Maggie Mae; IX. Cayenne; X. I've Got A Feeling; XI. Come Together; XII. Any Time At All; XIII. You Know My Name (Look Up The Number); XIV. Rocky Raccoon; XV. Good Night
Geminis are sharp and peppy, just like the man himself: Sir Paul McCartney (who is a Gemini). Geminis should listen to buoyantly lame Paul classics of lameness, and also some Ringo shit. Ones with "Honey" in the title.
I. The Night Before; II. Honey Don't; III. Step Inside Love/Los Paranoias; IV. Mother Nature's Son; V. I'm Happy Just To Dance With You; VI. The Ballad of John and Yoko; VII. Honey Pie; VIII. Maxwell's Silver Hammer; IX. There's A Place; X. Another Girl; XI. Good Day Sunshine; XII. Think For Yourself; XIII. I Want To Tell You; XIV. Ticket To Ride; XV. Birthday
Beautiful wonderful us Cancers are the moon and the ocean and the stars and the sky. Cancers understand everything and feel shit hard and believe in the magic of the Universe. They cry a lot and also smile quite a bit. Cancerians are the Beatles song "Because", which is the only Beatles song that is TRUE.
I. Here Comes The Sun; II. Rain; III. You're Going To Lose That Girl; IV. Please Mr. Postman; V. Baby's In Black; VI. I'm Only Sleeping; VII. Blue Jay Way; VIII. BECAUSE; IX. Eleanor Rigby; X. I'm Looking Through You; XI. I've Just Seen A Face; XII. The Word; XIII. You've Really Got A Hold On Me; XIV. Julia; XV. Long, Long, Long
+ Continue reading "THE ASTRO-BEATLES POWER HOUR, by Laura Jane Faulds"
Tags: Astro-Beatles Power Hours, astrology, astrology-themed everything, How to Live, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura Loves the Beatles, The Beatles, The Susan Miller of Penny Lane
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+ Posted by Laura in HOW TO LIVE | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (29)
Random Picture Entry: The Greatest Photograph Ever Taken
They totally still hang out like this all the time, right?
Tags: David Lee Roth, Sean Penn, The Beastie Boys
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Monday, March 8, 2010
Happy International Women's Day, BITCHES!!!!
Love, Laura Jane.
Tags: the Beatles, womanhood
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Imaginary Shopping Spree: Cuffs and Cakes by Emily Miranda
By the end of next year, my wrist will look kinda like this. That's the promise I just made myself, spending the last 10 minutes loving Emily Miranda's scary and gorgeous jewelry and listening to Devendra Banhart's scary and gorgeous remix of a Liars song. That rhinestone/seashell/pearl/ALLIGATOR FOOT-encrusted cuff will be MINE, all mine (even though it terrifies me a little, and costs not all that much less than twice my rent).
Also I will eat one of Emily Miranda's cakes, maybe something like the one that's called Boar Mountain...but with quaggas?
(discovered via the beautiful blog Teagan Tall, btw)
Tags: cakes, cuffs, Devendra Banhart, Emily Miranda, making dreams come true, mountains, quaggas, rhinestones, seashells
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Sunday, March 7, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: Smiley Sweaty Summer Beatles!
LJ: Hello! My name is John Winston Lennon, and I'm having a great day. Such a very great day! The kind of very great day that makes you want to play electric organ with your elbows. It's so hot outside. I'm sweating profusely. I'm wearing a Sheriff's badge. I'm dressed very differently from how I've been dressing for the past few years- I used to always wear black suits and grey suits, with neckties, but today I'm wearing this khaki kind of military thing; I'm pretty into it. My life is so confusing right now. I used to be this good-for-nothing no-goodnik, and all my "friends" thought I would end up little more than an alcoholic bum. Boy, did I show them! Except Paul. Paul believed in me. Paul- he's this other guy, who's in my band with me. That's what I do. I'm in a band. We're playing a concert, for 55,000 people, right now, at this exact second. It's August 15th, 1965. My relationship with Paul is confusing. It's one of the most confusing aspects of my whole confusing life. Paul and I used to sit in corners at parties and ignore everybody else. We're really compatible humans: a Gemini, and a Libra. But these days, he's starting to annoy the fuck out of me. He's so adorable, and he knows he's so adorable, and, like, I don't even want to be adorable! At all! I think it's gay to be adorable. But then I see Paul, this guy, my friend- we write songs together- being so adorable, and it makes me angry. It makes me want to be adorable too, just because of this creeping desire that informs every move I seem to make these days, to out-cool Paul. Fuck. Paul. Whatever. It's today, and I like today. It's sunny out, and I'm the Literary Beatle. That's so much cooler! Than being the Cute Beatle. Right? Is it? It is. Today, I'm going to ignore Paul. Today, I'm going to focus my attention on George. Look at this guy! This guy, George, he's in my band with me too. This guy is not half bad. He's non-threatening. He's less adorable than Paul, and less literary than me. He's basically the Perfect Beatle, in my opinion. Do you think he likes me better than he likes Paul? I'm kind of getting that vibe from him, the "liking John" vibe. This guy, George, I want this guy on my side. That's what I'm going to do. Tonight. Later on. First, I'm going to finish playing this concert. I'm going to play piano with my elbows, and I'm going to make George feel included. We'll be a cool little team, George and I. I'll make him laugh, with this elbowey pianoey schtick of mine. And then the show will be over, and I'll take a shower. Smoke some pot, drink a beer. Maybe I'll have a bite to eat. "Egg and chips," perhaps. And then I'll take George aside. We'll have a ciggy on the balco. "Don't you think Paul's a bit cutesy?" I'll ask, "A bit gay? A bit megomaniacal? A bit, er, annoying?" And George, George, this kid George, this great, great kid, this Pisces- he'll say "Yeah." "Yeah, I do," he'll say. And that's the best decision I could make, I think. That's how I'm going to play it, this "being in the Beatles" deal. I'm going to get George in on hating Paul with me. Yes. Yes! I am confident that this will guarantee a fun and non-dramatic "being in the Beatles" experience for us all. Great. Great thinking, John. I'll do that. But first, I'm going to scream. And then, I'm going to play piano with my elbows.
LIZ: Hi, I'm James Paul McCartney. In addition to being adorable, I sometimes look like this. Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself: I am large, I contain multitudes. And look there - I just quoted Walt Whitman! How's that for "literary"? Also if we were ever going to team up for party games, Ringo and I would totally kick John and George's asses at Charades and Squeak Piggy Squeak, albeit mostly due to our sheer enthusiasm for the sport of it all. Just one of the many upsides of being perpetually out-cooled, you know.
Tags: adorability, Geminis, George Harrison, John Lennon, John/George relationship dynamic, Libras, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Shea Stadium, Squeak Piggy Squeak, summertime, Walt Whitman
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Friday, March 5, 2010
Motivational Jay-Z Lyric of the Week: The "Jay-Z's Wives" Special Edition
ABOVE: A taste of what this summer will be like. For all of us
At the beginning of this past week, I sent my friend Kritty a text message reading something along the lines of, "Life is so good these days!"
She responded with the most brilliant text message I have ever received. It read, By summertime, we'll all be Jay-Z's wives!
I took the joke and ran with it. Now I say "By summertime, we'll all be Jay-Z's wives!" constantly! It's the "Welcome To My Book Collection" of today.
The "By summertime, we'll all be Jay-Z's wives" bon mot works best if you phrase it like how, before they were stars, John Lennon would ask the other Beatles, "Where are we going, Fellas?" and all the other Beatles would say, "To the top, Johnny!" and then John Lennon would ask, "Where's that, Fellas?" and then all the other Beatles would yell, "TO THE TOPPERMOST OF THE POPPERMOST!"
So this is something I highly recommend that you and all your female friends incorporate into your vernaculars.
"What will we all be by summertime?" you'll ask.
"JAY-Z'S WIVES!" they'll scream.
Tags: Beyonce, empowerment, Jay-Z, Jay-Z's wives, John Lennon, marriage, summertime, The White House
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Snapshot: Listening, Watching, Reading, Wearing, Wanting
+ Kat
Listening: All I need right now is Danzig and the Replacements with a dash of Spoon.
Watching: Watching a lot of DP reels. Also wending my way through "Mad Men" and some old-school "Buffy." But this weekend I'm hopefully going to see The Secret of Kells and Un Prophete.
Reading: A weird mixture of Harry Potter, fashion magazines and stuff about Steadicam.
Wearing: Back to uniform: boy oxford shirt, skinny jeans, boots.
Wanting: I wish my thesis film would just somehow make itself.
I'm really tired and don't have much energy to come up with a fun YouTube clip. Sorry. You'll have to make do with the Keepon robot dancing to Spoon from a few years back:
+ Liz
Listening: right this instant, "The Lights" by Juliana Hatfield
Watching: Weeds, Weeds, nothing but Weeds
Reading: that Chuck Klosterman article on Pavement; a book I've already read before
Wearing: my current uniform: black skinny jeans + grey Edun t-shirt tank top + black studded boots + black fake-leather jacket + that asymmetrical feather cloche. Single braid, placed over my right shoulder. Faux-silver cuff. Socks.
Wanting: Ummm, what's a girl gotta do to get a single-serving bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs around here? I've searched far and wide (i.e., the Rite Aid and the Walgreen's) and yet my search is fruitless. Do they not make them anymore? Also I want a Cadbury Mini Egg McFlurry.
ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
+ Laura Jane
Listening: Margo Guryan, 25 Demos and Take A PIcture; "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (Reprise)"; Once a year, I try to make myself fall in love with Laura Nyro because I feel like I should- she has my same name! But I don't love Laura Nyro, and I think it's time for me to give it up
Watching: My new project is to look at the sky for a certain amount of minutes a day, and then write down what the sky looked like in a cool way
Reading: I am really into the Twitter account named Tweets of Old, which " attempt[s] to reveal the lives of our predecessors through the tweets of yesteryear --extracted tidbits from old newspapers." My favourites from this week were "A New York young lady has appeared on the streets with a kitten's head on her hat." (from 1883) and, from 1923, "Improvement in appearance improves the man. We need not become dudes. Neither should we decry good dressing." We need not become dudes!!!
Wearing: I'm trying to improve my appearance. I need not become a dude.
Wanting: A Diet Coke vending machine made out of rubies; to get my cell phone ring from five years ago, which was "You Sang To Me" by Marc Anthony, out of my head, but I really don't see that happening. I'd also like to be a stigmatic. That would really spice shit up. Everybody would be all, "Whoa! Did you hear Laura Jane woke up yesterday morning bleeding from her palms and feet like Jesus Christ?" and I'd be all, "Yeah, I don't know, it's just, like, this thing that happened to me, you know?"
Me, I hope:
Tags: Cadbury Mini Eggs, Chewbacca, Chuck Klosterman, Diet Coke, dudes, Harry Potter, Juliana Hatfield, Marc Anthony, Pavement, rubies, Spoon, stigmata, The Replacements, the sky, uniforms, Weeds
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Thursday, March 4, 2010
WHY I WANT TO GET LAID IN JAPAN, by Laura Jane Faulds
As I so brilliantly wrote on Tuesday, I wish there was astrology-themed everything. Perhaps a cool project for me would be to split up all the Beatles songs into different astrological categories, and then there would be an Astro-Beatles Mix for every zodiac sign! Yes. There is a 100% chance I'm going to do this. So that's something to live for!
Anyway, the other day I Googled something along the lines of "astrology + Japan," because I knew there was no way in Hell, or Japan, such a Google search wouldn't pay off. It paid off!
In Japan, they sell astrology-themed condoms! THAT IS SO COOL. Last Monday, I Twittered, "In Japan, they sell astrology-themed condoms, so sign me up. For having sex in Japan," and then Anabela @messaged me saying "I wonder if they have compatibility charts on them. All like "Do NOT stick it in Virgo." The Twitterverse collectively LOLed. Anabela is an inspiration. I took the joke and ran with it, Twittering such astro-sexy gems as Congratulations on making it with a Scorpio! Get ready for some seriously FUCKED UP SHIT and Oh that's cool that you're boning a Cancer. She's going to think you're her boyfriend tomorrow and Yay! A Capricorn! I hope you like the missionary position!
Then I stopped myself, because I've only made it with so many Zodiac signs, and I wouldn't want to be a bitch to any air signs I may or may not have slept with. Here's the whole lot!
L to R: Aquarius, Pisces, Aries. Cutest: Pisces!
L to R: Taurus, Gemini, Cancer. Cutest: Taurus! Which is too bad. In real life, you couldn't pay me to sleep with a Taurus. Maybe in Japan, though
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Tags: astrology, astrology-themed everything, Japan, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura Loves The Beatles, sex
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