Monday , November 16, 2009
A Day in the Life: Fun Things to Do with iPods
Kat Makes a Soundtrack to Her Life
I must confess that I do not own an iPod. I am oddly and strangely really anti-Apple; I have no idea why, but I hate that company to the marrow of my bones. Instead, I own what I like to call an AMEN (alternative mobile entertainment noodler). It's lasted me years, the battery's never died, I've never had its contents wiped out because of some shitty power or software issue and I have dropped it a million times and had no problems. Thank you, Sansa! Anyway, this is my favorite game to play with my iPod substitute. This works for me because I am a filmmaker and everything is a movie to me, including my life.
The game: If your life were a soundtrack, what would the music be?
Here's how it works:
1. Open your library (iTunes, winamp, media player, iPod)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. New question - press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool
Opening Credits: David Bowie, "China Girl"
Being Asian-American, I find this kinda offensive, slightly ironic, quite stylish and incredibly funny. Which is how I experience much of life anyway: conflicted, humorous but always looking out for the suavity of things.
Waking Up: Girl Talk, "Unstoppable"
Wow, if my life were this movie, I'm loving it already. I AM UNSTOPPABLE AND REALLY FUNKY. I wake up and am just this way because I am awesome. Ha.
First Day At School: Dead Meadow, "The White Worm"
I wish my first day of school were this incredibly sexy and bad-ass. This song makes me sound like I should be wearing heavy black eyeliner and skin-tight leather trousers. In reality I probably wore jeans and a t-shirt.
Falling in Love: Leonard Cohen, "Last Year's Man"
Whoa. I think my computer is psychic. Who hasn't fallen in love and NOT played a Leonard Cohen song in there somewhere? Man, I'd forgotten how much I love Songs of Love and Hate. Leonard, you are my guru and I wish you were touring the U.S.!
Breaking Up: JJ Fad, "Supersonic"
Dude, if we all broke up to "Supersonic," we'd all be a lot happier, don't you think?
Prom: Meat Beat Manifesto, "Psyche-Out"
Actually, the day after my senior prom, we drove to Chicago and hit the Alley and yes, Meat Beat Manifesto was playing on the stereo at the infamous punk fashion emporium. Eerie. This game is kind of freaking me out.
Life's Okay: Girlysound/Liz Phair, "Hello Sailor"
Um, I have no idea what this means. Does this mean that when I'm enjoying life, I go pick up random dudes by the harbor? And afterwards, I write wry, witty pop songs about them? Life could be worse, I suppose.
Mental Breakdown: Madonna, "Did You Do It?"
Somehow it seems perfect that my spirit guide during a nervous breakdown would be Madonna, particularly Erotica-era Madonna!
Driving: The National, "Fake Empire"
I find this disappointing, to be honest. I like the National a lot, but if I were driving to their music, I'd fall asleep at the wheel and get into some sort of horrid accident.
Flashback: PJ Harvey, "Is This Desire?"
Okay, now this ALL makes sense. After getting into an accident while driving to the National and being on the edge of life and death, OF COURSE Polly Jean Harvey would be there with her most epic, brilliant, creepiest song ever to guide me in the bardo. I guess this is the detour into David Lynchian levels of weirdness.
Getting Back Together: Creedence Clearwater Revival, "Hey Tonight"
How utterly apropos.
Wedding: Syd Barrett, "Dark Globe"
Dude, what kind of wedding is this??!!!! A song about mental schizoid and heartbreak soundtracking my wedding? Crazy! Did I have another nervous breakdown or what?
Birth of a Child: The Smiths, "I Know It's Over"
If I were giving birth, this is pretty much EXACTLY what I would be thinking to myself!
Final Battle: Interpol, "Stella Was A Diver and She Was Always Down"
Well, if this were my final battle soundtrack, at least it'll be an incredibly stylish war.
Death Scene: The Kinks, "Come Dancing"
OH YES! This is perfect for a Kat death scene. Suddenly, though, my life has turned into a Wes Anderson movie.
Funeral Song: Ghislain Poirier, "Close the News"
What's going on at my funeral, man? Are people dancing and snorting lines off my coffin or something?
End Credits: Neneh Cherry, "Move with Me"
This song is really melancholy, beautiful and dub-influenced. I deem it a perfect end of the movie that is my life. (Kat)
The iPod I Ching, starring Chandler Bing and Laura Jane
Photograph by the amazingly talented George of Modern Guilt
I have an iPod! Up until a week ago, my existence was made immeasurably worse by my being the last person on the East Coast who still carried around a Discman (and by proxy, either a CD booklet or a stack of 3-5 CD cases with 3-5 CDs shoved in each one). There are a lot of reasons why this predicament sucked and/or sucked my will to live, the most significant being that the bulkiness of my stupid nameless Discman hindered my daily bag choice majorly- you can't exactly shove a Discman and all related crap into a cute little clutch.
The second-majorest suckiness of being Discman-dependent was how poorly-suited it is to participating in impromptu fortune-telling sessions! I'm not sure if all you out there know this, but in addition to being lightweight and portable music-listening devices, iPods also have an immense capacity for predicting your future, or at very least offering you spiritual guidance when it's called for.
My new iPod is an inherited hot pink Nano named Chandler Bing. He knows everything.
In order to access the divining properties of your iPod (or whatever mp3 player; this activity is in no way Apple-specific), you must do as follows:
1. Select the "Shuffle Songs" (or whatever) option on your iPod (or whatever) menu.
2. Think of a question that you want to ask. The clairvoyant abilities of your iPod are most closely aligned with the ancient Eastern forecasting system of the I Ching, which recommends that in place of asking a straightforward question such as, "Will I ever meet Paul McCartney?", your query should be phrased more along the lines of, "What should be my attitude towards desperately/obsessively wanting to meet Paul McCartney ASAP?"
3. Push the "next" button on your music player, and whatever song happens to come on is a clue directing you towards the cosmic truth that lies behind your inquiry. This iPod I Ching step will of course require some heavy thought and interpretation on your behalf. This is why the iPod I Ching is true. It is a tool that guides you towards your own inner truth. Get ready, Gang!
Note: the I Ching Psychic Juju can also be accessed by opening the dictionary or "The Beatles" by Bob Spitz and answering your question with whatever word/sentence you happen to see first. Also, if you're totally desperate, you could use the actual I Ching!
1. Dear iPod,
What should be my attitude towards how obvious it is that I will never find true love?
Love, Laura Jane
Answer: The Peanut Butter Conspiracy, "Why Did I Get So High?"
LJ's Interpretation: This probably means that I spend too much time mulling over whether or not I will find true love, and that maybe I should just shut the hell up, get really high, and stop mooning over my tragic fate and intellectually preparing myself for a life full of solitude and despair. Or maybe it means that I should stop "getting high" (so to speak), though I really don't see how this could possibly be helpful. No, it obviously means get high. It means get high. Now. Go. Get high, Laura Jane.
2. Dear Chandler Bing,
I get the distinct impression that my solar plexus chakra and love/heart chakra are majorly out of alignment. Do you have any general tips for how I can deal with this?
Best, LJ
Answer: Van Dyke Parks, "Van Dyke Parks"
LJ's Interpretation: Laura, you really need to start being more like Van Dyke Parks. The iPod I Ching could not make this any clearer to you if it tried. In any given situation that requires any troubleshooting at all whatsoever, ask yourself "What would Van Dyke Parks do?" and do that. If you consciously copy and/or base your entire personality/creative output around that of Van Dyke Parks, your whole chakra misalignment thing will work itself in no time. Always remember: BE VAN DYKE PARKS.
3. Hi There iPod!
What should be my attitude towards desperately/obsessively wanting to meet Paul McCartney ASAP?
Hope to hear back from you soon, Laura
Answer: Giles, Giles & Fripp, "Newlyweds"
LJ's Interpretation: I will marry Sir Paul McCartney.
4. Hey Chandler,
Am I too self-involved? I mean, what should be my attitude towards my own level of self-involvedness? Is there really such a thing as being too self-involved? Shouldn't it vary? Is it okay to be self-involved if you're not being selfish? Isn't self-involvedness preferable to self-doubt? Maybe I just like myself- is that so wrong? Maybe I'm not even self-involved at all. I'm probably perfect.
Let me know- Laur.
Answer: Geri Halliwell, "You're in a Bubble"
LJ's Interpretation: Okay, first of all, I knew my iPod was going to sell me out and force me to tell the world that I listen to Geri Halliwell's first two solo albums! Thanks, iPod. That's really great of you. I guess even that is part of Chandler Bing's ultimate sagedom: right off the bat, it reminded me that I am a little too self-involved, and that I need to stop worrying about whether or not the blogosphere knows that I often listen to "Look At Me" really loud while strutting down the street. Otherwise, this is not a very promising response to my question. According to my iPod/the deepest truth of the Universe/Ginger Spice:
-I'm in a bubble.
-My karma's in trouble.
-I talk rich, and that's my cover.
-Yo, bitch, I ain't that funny.
-Where's my heart? Did I sell that too?
-I'm in a bubble (narcissistic, narcissistic)
-I'm losing control (narcissistic, narcissistic)
-I'm sellin' my soul (narcisstic, narcisisstic)
Whoa! I'm not even joking! My iPod actually gave me this song; I didn't just rig it and lie to make my post more entertaining. I seriously have some soul-searching to do. I guess I am too self-involved.
5. O Holy Father,
Should I give up on Michael Showalter?
Yours, LJ.
Answer: The Marvelettes, "Please Mr. Postman"
LJ's Interpretation: Wow, the iPod I Ching works even better than expected! This one is pretty self-explanatory:
Mr. Postman, Look and see- Is there a letter in your bag for me (from Michael Showalter)?
I been waiting such a long time (since May 28th)
Since I heard from that girl of mine (dude, named Michael Showalter)
Etc, etc, etc.
In short: Keep waiting, Laura Jane.
Ione Skye Tells It Like It Is
My iPod's name is Ione Skye. My stupid 15-year-old self wanted my confirmation name to be Ione, but my mom said nooo nooo nooo like Amy Winehouse, and this seemed like the next best option. I'm generally really fond of the future Mrs. Ben Lee (hi, how weird is that???), but in some tiny ways I find her totally ridiculous. So to sort of put our love to the test, I asked dear Ione to work her divine/divining magic on me, by way of this random iPod shuffle meme I cut-and-pasted off some teenager's blog. Here's what she came up with.
1. How does the world see you?
Desert Sessions, "Crawl Home"
The most important part of this song is when Polly Harvey sing-shouts "Your love is eeeeeevil!!" in this growly voice like a big scary monster. My love is not evil! But it's still kind of a hot sentiment.
2. Will I have a happy life?
John Frusciante, "Someone's"
This is a happy song. It is about communication with the spirit world. I don't know how it applies here, but John Frusciante and "happy life" mostly always go together for me in general, so I'm marking this one with a big "RIGHT ON."
3. What do my friends really think of me?
Devendra Banhart, "Queen Bee"
That's cute and nice. Thanks, friends.
4. What do people secretly think of me?
Erase Errata, "Tax Dollar"
This means people secretly think I'm George Bush. Do you secretly think I'm George Bush?
5. How can I be happy?
Jenny Lewis, "The Charging Sky"
This song talks up Laurel Canyon, hanging out in the desert, drinking beer in the street with your friends, and a few other things I'm really into. That works.
6. What should I do with my life?
The Beastie Boys, "Egg Raid on Mojo"
YES.
7. Will I ever have children?
Xiu Xiu, "I Love the Valley, OH!"
That's pretty innaresting, 'cause just yesterday while out on a big run I started thinking up this big runner's-brain theory about how loving L.A. 4 REALZ means 100 percent embracing the Valley, which I've absolutely come to do over the past year.
I LOVE THE VALLEY SO MUCH I WANNA HAVE ITS BABIES.
8. What is some good advice for me?
Wolf Parade, "Shine a Light"
This is one of those deceptively bouncy songs that gets you all pumped up about life and then you pay attention to the lyrics and find out they're mega-depressing. There's no good advice for me here, Ione. Boo to you.
9. How will I be remembered?
Sonic Youth, "Orange Rolls, Angel's Spit"
No.
10. What is my signature dancing song?
Madonna, "Keep it Together"
This makes me think of Madonna's microphone malfunctioning mid-performance in Truth Or Dare and of her yelling at everyone backstage and angrily spraying stuff into her mouth from a spray bottle and stomping around and going "MotherFUCK!" a lot. It is not my signature dancing song.
11. What do I think my current theme song is?
Janet Jackson, "Rhythm Nation"
No. My current theme song is "Something Good" by Utah Saints.
12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Blondie, "Hanging on the Telephone"
There have been moments in my life when "Hanging on the Telephone" was my theme song, but this is not one of those moments, and for that I thank all the stars in the sky.
13. What song will play at my funeral?
No Age, "Escarpment"
Weird; no. But if you want to hear "Escarpment" by No Age, you should go watch the trailer for "1960s Butterfly Girl," which is a beautiful short film starring beautiful Frankie Rayder. Have a beautiful day!
14. What type of men/women do you like?
John Frusciante, "How Deep is Your Love?"
OMG, I totally just made this my MySpace song! I'm actually surprised J.F. only came up twice on here: I just did the math, and it seems that he and his various bands make up more than 10 percent of the total songs on my iPod. Zoinks! Anyway, this is a lovely Bee Gees cover and you can watch Grunge John Frusciante sing an oh-so-slightly different version here.
15. What is my day going to be like?
The White Stripes, "One More Cup of Coffee"
I already had a cup of coffee today and it was really big, so I probably won't actually have that "one more" of which Jackie White sings here. Despite my refusal to subscribe to that completely hogwash "coffee is bad for you" line of thinking, I still try to restrict myself to one serving per day. (Liz)
Tags: Chandler Bing, Devendra Banhart, Eastern spirituality, Geri Halliwell, getting high, i hate Apple, imaginary movie soundtracks, Ione Skye the iPod, iPod, iPod I Ching, Janet Jackson, John Frusciante, Madonna, Michael Showalter, music, Paul McCartney, real life, self-involvedness, The White Stripes, Van Dyke Parks
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This is the most entertaining thing I've ever read on the entire Internet in the entire history of my being on the Internet. Except for maybe this page of "Fun Facts about the Spice Girls!" I read the first time I ever went on the Internet in my life, but that was just beginner's luck. I found out that Ginger had sexual fantasies about Posh when she first joined the band.
By Laura
on August 4, 2008 3:59 PM
I LIKE THIS.
By EMILY on August 4, 2008 5:57 PM
Come Dancing is an great death song. Actually, did you know that one of Ray and Dave Davies' sister's actually died on a dance floor at their local palais?
By anotherKat on August 4, 2008 10:14 PM
can i jus' say that that was thee most phun times i've on the interweb in awhile!.. yayness... i swear nogoodforme.com is like god... i worship it! and Laura Jane? ugh! sin-fully rad!.... luff luff luff....
[o=o]rawkr
By ely on August 5, 2008 12:37 PM