Sunday , June 13, 2010
nogoodforme Superlatives: Last Meals Before Shuffling Off the Mortal Coil
The question of what I would eat as my last meal EVER before EXPIRING has actually never occurred to me, so it has been quite fascinating and slightly morbid to research into this topic. Who knew that breakfast food would be so popular? And that the logistics of it could be so complicated? (I'm limited to food in the prison system? Sucks!) Interestingly, my initial instinct was breakfast food, since brunches of all sorts are pretty much my favorite meals of all time. Perhaps one would derive a weird comfort from pancakes, waffles, omelets and the like, not to mention an equally odd sense of starting anew with a set of foods usually consumed at the top of one's day. But then again, who wants to face the grim reaper with a serious case of food coma? So, actually, taking liberties with the question and assuming I can have ANYTHING, my official answer to the last meal conundrum would be something sentimental: my mom's incredible Thai noodle soup, made with thin rice noodles perfectly prepared in delicious broth, with some leafy green vegetables, spring onions, perhaps some shrimp or even some barbequed duck (sorry, vegetarians), and bean sprouts. Asian all the way, dudes, even riding into the eternal sunset. (Kat)
Let us now be piggy-wigs:
El aperitivo: There is a certain kind of egg roll - often found at Chinese restaurants likely to earn about two-and-a-half stars in your local paper - in which the cabbage possesses a nearly hot-pink hue and the shell is the most beautifully crispy/golden/borderline-greasy thing you will ever know if your life. I would like many of those. Maybe with some wonton soup.
Main course: Just lots of rice, please. I'm mad for rice; it's totally the food I would choose if ever forced to choose a food I'd need to eat for all eternity. In high school I waited till I got home from school to eat lunch, just so's I could have a big bowl of Minute white rice with some really sub-par salsa. THAT IS SO GROSS, but I miss it. Anyway, my last meal rices of choice would be: (1) veggie fried rice from the same Chinese restaurant where I got the egg rolls; (2) rice pilaf homemade by one of my aunts on the Armenian side of the fam, preferably with lots of onions and green peppers mixed in; (3) and maybe that purple rice they've got at Toi, with some yummy garlicky pumpkin. (But that last one might just be because a little while ago I was watching The Hills scene parodied in the James Franco video I recently posted, and they're eating at Toi, and I generally want to be like Justin Bobby in every way possible. He's so mysterious!)
Le dessert: Please bring me a big silver platter piled with the following: cannoli from the Italian bakery where I worked in high school; a really giant hostess cupcake (as seen below); a few Cadbury Creme Eggs; brown-bread gelato from Scoops; a bunch of Sprinkles cupcakes, including the Cinnamon Sugar and Chocolate Coconut flavors; rose-petal macarons from Boule; marzipan from somewhere in the North End in Boston; burnt sugar ice cream from Christina's in Cambridge; and some chocolate trifle made by my mom.
Oh, and I'd also like a neverending glass of crushed-icy Coke, served in one of those curvy Coca-Cola glasses and maybe with a shot of cherry and/or vanilla. And some fine red wine! (Liz)
CUPCAKES TIL I PUKE
I really do hope that I am to some extent able to control the circumstances of my death. There is nothing in the world more terrifying to me than the prospect of dying without ever having time to process it; that's creepy as hell and definitely contradicts my whole "total design" agenda. Ideally, I would like to "totally design" my exit from this cruel, cruel world, though I suppose in this scenario I am being executed for some totally heinous crime and therefore may be limited in my fantasy-death options. However, you gotta do what what you can, Man, so here goes:
I am being executed for murdering a decidedly evil villain in a really cool and creative way (I'm a big fan of "smothering said villain in honey, tying him/her to a rooftop, and leaving him/her for the vultures"). There was tremendous media hoopla surrounding this murder, since the fictional jerk-off who I killed was such a horrific human being that 75% of Americans actually consider me a hero. As I am lead into the death-prison by a sexy prison guard, protestors (including but not limited to Michael Showalter, the Friedbergers, Hugh Grant (who gives me a big sloppy farewell kiss), Sir Paul McCartney, Kat, and Liz) chant anthems of support and encouragement in my honor- "SAVE LAURA JANE," or "LAURA JANE SAVES" and all that. I grin at them and flash the peace sign. Tears run down their faces. I am wearing false eyelashes, a really killer feathered headdress, and this exact Rodarte dress.
Sexy Prison Guard leads me into what I'll call my "Farewell Cell". "Yer Blues" by the Beatles and "Rest in Peace" by Curt Boettcher are playing on a loop over the P.A. system. I sit down at a prison-grade Formica table. To my left is a Super Big Gulp of Diet Coke with tons of ice. To my right is a pitcher of white wine sangria with peaches, pineapple, lychees and maraschino cherries, a pack of Marlboro Reds, and a hot lighter. Directly in front of me are 100 cupcakes. For once in my life, I don't have to humor anybody by choking down "real food" in order to justify my intense desire to eat 100 cupcakes. Death is sweet. "Bon appetit, Laura Jane!" I say to myself. And then I dig in.
CUPCAKE BREAKDOWN:
- Twenty (20) vanilla spelt cupcakes from Babycakes NYC
-Five (5) carrot spelt cupcakes from Babycakes
-Ten (10) chocolate spelt cupcakes from Babycakes
-Ten (10) red velvet spelt cupcakes from Babycakes
-Twenty (20) caramel cupcakes with peanut butter buttercream filled with caramel and peanuts
-Five (5) pineapple right-side-up cupcakes
-Five (5) cookies and cream cupcakes
-Five (5) pistachio rosewater cardamom cupcakes
-Ten (5) raspberry lemonade cupcakes
- Fifteen (15) strawberry jam filled cupcakes
Then I would chainsmoke three cigarettes, swig one last gulp of wine, pet a puppy (if possible), and die with a smile on my face and seventeen newly-acquired cavities. (Laura)
Tags: Cadbury Creme Eggs, cupcakes, desserts galore, familial loyalty, Justin Bobby, last meals, mortal coil, rose petals, sangria, Thai food
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Posted by Kat, Liz and Laura in Superlatives |
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3 Comments!!
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oh man.
i, too, would choose noodles for my last meal. they are both sentimental and delicious. however mine would be a bowl of ramen noodles, piled high with bean sprouts, nori, a few extra fishcakes...mmm.
By juliet small ernst on August 12, 2008 8:41 PM
your pic of the soup got me..!!! It looks amazing. Can i ask how your mum makes her broth. I'm trying to cook for my husband and somehow I never quite get the broth right.
thanks and sorry but it took me this soup pic to leave a comment after reading your wonderful blog for 1yr!
By lim on August 13, 2008 5:37 AM
my mum does slightly different things at times (depending on how busy she is!), but she uses a chicken broth that she sometimes makes the old-fashioned way (with leftover chicken bones). she also makes sure to add a bit of thai nam pla (fish sauce) instead of salt and i do believe there are bits of garlic as well. oh my goodness, just writing this all down is making me hungry!!!
xo k.
By Kat
on August 13, 2008 2:25 PM