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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
nogoodforme superlatives: Dream "Blank-for-Blank" Designer Collabo
Flea for Puma (or Saucony, or Adidas, or whatever) + Mary Timony for some big company that makes teapots (except Crate & Barrel, 'cause I don't really care for Crate & Barrel)
When I'm not on vacay at my parents' house and spending many hours a day watching cable while drinking Dunkin Donuts caramel coffee in a big cushiony chair, I'm a bit of a gym rat (or at least a jog-around-the-Silverlake-Reservoir-at-dusk rat). And yet, I somehow never have hot running shoes, mostly because I don't care all that much about my feet looking amazing while I'm working out. But if Flea designed sneakers, my feet would look amazing all the time: I'd wear said sneakers not only to 24 Hour Fitness and the Silverlake Reservoir, but to coffee shops and bars and dinner parties and beaches, and probably even to sleep. I'm guessing he'd want his sneaker line to be basketball shoes, and that works, because basketball is basically the same as running (in my head). It would be rad if he took his inspiration from that outer-space-superhero costume/unitard thing shown above (designed by Els Beusen during an internship for Susan Cianciolo), but I'd also be into basketball shoes made of stuffed animals (like the pants Flea wore in the videos for "Higher Ground" and "Bust a Move" by Young MC). I'm sure they'd give me superhuman strength, and then I'd run all the way up the Pacific Coast Highway and challenge Flea to a game of pick-up basketball and then we'd go surfing and afterward I'd treat his whole family to dinner at the vegan restaurant of their choice. Oh what a grand day that would be.
And when I'm not playing basketball at Flea's house, I like to drink a wicked lot of tea. In the past few months I've figured out the secret formula for making the best cup ever; it involves Choice Organic Earl Grey and unsweetened soymilk and this slightly malty raw honey I get by the gallon at Nature Mart. I drink it from a big pink mug with a ceramic baby cupcake protruding from the handle, and the only thing that could make the whole ritual more perfect would be if I had a really gorgeous teapot. I'm imagining that a Mary Timony-designed teapot would look something like the beauteous Demakersvan Lucky Charms pot shown above, but instead of the bone-whiteness there'd be really intricate illustrations of her song lyrics. Like, the "Musik and Charming Melodee" teapot would be handpainted with pretty little peacocks and tigers and lambs and monkeys and lions and ocelots, while the "Sharpshooter" teapot could show various woodland creatures murdering Ted Nugent. The entire collection would be way appropes for Spirit Animal House Party 2: The Pajama Jam, when we all drink our Cubby Wubby Womb Room Tea and curl up in our sleeping bags and tell sexy ghost stories till the campfire goes out.
BTW, here's what else I'd like Mary Timony to design:
-packaging for Vosges chocolate bars
-the cover for my second novel
-a quilt for my bed
-satin ballet flats
-the house I'll buy someday when I become a grown-up
-the treehouse I'll move into someday in case I never quite become a grown-up
Rick Owens for the Whitney Museum or Chateau Marmont or something like that
I only suggest Rick Owens because he's only my favorite designer on the planet, and I have as much of a chance of owning one of his superbly expensive jackets as I do trying to get monkeys to fly out of my butt. But am I a jerk for thinking that him doing a just slightly more accessible line for some place just slightly more accessible but still kinda skewed would be the bomb? Like, the atomic bomb? He could do a line of handbags and messenger bags for an art museum or a slightly bondage-y lamp for a hotel and I'd probably go out and get it. Yeah, I know he does Lilies and DRKSHDW, but it's just not the same! (Insert foot stomping noise here.) In the meantime, I'll just go to his Hudson Street boutique and stare at that awesome fog thingie in the wall, chat with the incongrously friendly staff there and salivate over the clothes. Oh, Rick, why you gotta treat a girl so bad? (Kat)
Vito Acconci/Acconci Studio for the nogoodforme.com HQ
Once nogoodforme.com fully attains its (her? Is nogoodforme.com as a thing female, like a ship?) goal of Total Media Domination, it/she will definitely need an HQ to base its quadrillions of mind-blowingly revolutionary and/or straight-up killer enterprises out of. This is something I often fantasize about: showing up for work every morning at the world's avant-wackiest office environment wearing vintage Schiaparelli and a ruby headdress. The Urinals will be blaring on the jukebox, and I'll knock back cans of Diet Vanilla Coke and pummel Elizabeth Barker with a nerf gun when she spills her frozen lychee/goji berry margarita all over the Fender Rhodes I'm noodling around on as Kat teleconferences with Richard Branson about the new nogoodforme boutique hotel we're opening up on Jupiter.
Clearly, the only designer anywhere near Hella Conceptual enough to provide Kat, Liz & I with the workspace we deserve is Vito Acconci of Acconci Studio, an ex-performance artist (most notorious for Seedbed, a piece wherein he hid beneath a ramp in an art gallery and masturbated while delivering his sexual fantasies about the visitors walking above him through a loudspeaker) turned industrial/interior/product/whatevy designer who I wholeheartedly believe is the most innovative practicing anybody existing on Planet Earth in fiscal 2008 (except for nogoodforme.com, obvs). Vito Acconci is a Capricorn/Aquarius cusp, which is a weird and unfathomable thing to be, and totally explains why he has become the Mad Scientist of Architecture. Seen below are some of Acconci Studio's most insane and exciting creations:
(from left: the Cymatic Car, the engineering of which I don't understand and therefore cannot explain to you; interior of the United Bamboo flagship in Tokyo; the Mobius seating unit)
Obviously awesome. Now, Vito, here you will see the rough prototype I have cooked up for the nogoodforme.com HQ, accompanied by some notes and specifications:
MUST-HAVES (as seen in image):
1. Totally fly and ergonomic desk units; I used the Eames unit and Magis Julian chair to get my point across, but I know we can do a lot better.
2. Some sort of Habitrail-inspired network of secret and/or non-secret passageways.
3. Many swings.
4. A jukebox.
5. A frozen margarita machine.
6. A Diet Coke-centric soda machine (Diet Coke, Coca-Cola Zero, Diet Vanilla Coke, Diet Cherry Coke, Diet Coke with Lime, etc.) for Liz & I. A soda fountain is also acceptable.
7. A bouncy castle.
MUST-HAVES, CONTINUED (not pictured in image, but equally necessary):
1. A bookcase with a rolling ladder.
2. A recessed bed a la John Lennon's in HELP!
3. A dumbwaiter.
4. A statue of our spirit animals executed in the Greco-Roman style.
5. Eco-friendly and all that.
6. A chalkboard wall.
7. A weeping willow tree must be growing in the centre of the space. Possibly, one of the many swings we require can hang from its branches.
8. The bathroom should look pretty much exactly like something by Yayoi Kusama, but preferably cooler and way more Acconci'd out.
I'll follow up with further details and suggestions once I've made my first billion. See you around, Vito Acconci! (Laura)
Tags: Acconci Studio, avant-wack, basketball, diet coke, Fender Rhodes, hella conceptual, Mary Timony, nogoodforme.com, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Rick Owens, sneakers made of stuffed animals, Spirit Animal House Party 2: The Pajama Jam, tea, teapots, The Nuge, The Urinals, Total Media Domination, unitards, veganism, Vito Acconci
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