Laura Jane's Ultimate Fashion Challenge: Week Nine ---> NOGOODFORME.COM

Monday , November 16, 2009

Laura Jane's Ultimate Fashion Challenge: Week Nine

(this week's background image is by Helen Littmann of English Eccentrics, from 1984, when I was negative one years old. It is taken from John Hopper's ever-amazing Textile Blog).

PS: For those unfamiliar with the Ultimate Fashion Challenge: formal UFC rules, guidelines and regulations can be accessed HERE.

A BRIEF UPDATE ON LAURA JANE'S CURRENT PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITION VIS A VIS HER PARTAKING IN THE ULTIMATE FASHION CHALLENGE:

I am abnormally stupid.

I cannot believe that it didn't cross my mind ONCE in fifty-six freaking-fracking days that, after the UFC is over, I will be able to wear my clothes normally again. It NEVER occurred to me! It's not like after the UFC is finished, my clothes will disappear (though it would be a coolly dramatic conclusion if I burned them in a semi-mystickal bonfire or something).

My own stupidity makes me want to puke. Every evening, I tear my hair out over how I can "rig shit" so that I can wear some beloved, ideal tee/sweater/jeans combo, as if I will NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE get the opportunity to wear it again. Dude. Fuck. Why am I dumb? My own stupidity makes me want to puke. I'll wear it after the UFC is over! Duh! Duh, Laura Jane! You're dense.

None of this makes any sense. I'm going crazy. I've gone off the proverbial and/or sartorial deep end. I'm sick of strategy. I'm going crazy. And it's all for NO REASON!

From this point onwards, I'm just going to wear my clothes 'til they're over, see what happens, and life will resume as normal.

THERE.

I SOLVED IT.

I solved the UFC.

Day 57 (09.29.08)- "WEARING A SHITTY OUTFIT I HATE"- CHIC: knee-high lace-up Frye boots; Frisco Nuggets jeans from American Eagle Awesome; coral puffy-sleeve blouse; Tibetan prayer beads necklace

I feel misrepresented by my outfit, but I wonder exactly what it is about myself that these clothes are so vindictively obscuring. The fact that I own other pairs of jeans that I like better? What? WHAT, LAURA? What facet of The Artist Presently Known As Laura Jane Faulds do I so desperately require my outfit choice to scream at the Universe?

I feel like a lame hippie. I need a haircut. The best thing about this outfit went down at about 11:30 PM, when I de-laced my boots and untucked my jeans from the knee socks that were holding them in this place all day- they acted as Spanx for jeans. I wasn't in the mood to make a point of wearing bold-facedly-flared jeans today. I untucked my jeans, and they'd left weird imprints in my legs. I looked at the weird imprints. It was weird/cool, in that sick body way, like pulling off a scab. I love that shit. So do you! We all do.

I call these jeans my "Frisco Nuggets" jeans because they look like the kind of cut and wash of jean that an artist featured on Love is the Song we Sing: San Francisco Nuggets, 1965-1970 would favor.

Once upon a time I was walking down Augusta Avenue in Toronto's famed Kensington Market, and a woman stopped me on the street and told me that these had been her boots once upon a time, and that she wore them when she saw the Rolling Stones at Altamont. I am choosing to believe her, even though it's very clear she could have been wrong.

Here is a picture of her, my favorite Pisces, and me, all hanging out together. COSMIC!

Day 58 (09.30.08)- KEITH MOON'S GIRL TWIN SISTER IN PARIS: black patent double-strap maryjanes; brown knee-high socks; "Paris Jupe " from Agnes B Petites Filles (thrifted, five bucks); white-and-dandelion iris-appliqued top; purple skull-print See by Chloe sweater

I am feeling UFC-Jaded this week. I am UFC-Jaded this week. I am beginning to believe that the only thing clothes are capable of representing about The Self is:

I wear nice clothes, and this morning I put some of them on.

Self-doubt, self-consciousness, and self-loathing are your, mine, and all of our tickets to FAILURE. They block a person's ability to be comfortable, capable, confident, and a bunch of other cool words that begin with the letter "C".

Today, I feel more "like me" because I feel more attractive, cool, cute, evocative of some of the aesthetic objects I respond to, whatevy, etc. Today, my Self-Self can't hide behind the hate.

I'm quite sure it is all that simple.

I don't want it to be any less simple than that. I want nice, lovely, easy-peasy London-y simplicity. But maybe it will never be like that?

Wait! WAIT WAIT WAIT! I get it:

I try to communicate to the world through my wacky outfits what John Lennon communicated to the world through his "Lennon" glasses and lank, sunspoiled hair:

THAT THINGS COULD BE DIFFERENT.

AND NOW BEGINS...

HER COMPLEX OCTOBER.

Day 59 (10.01.08)- STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOR-NEVER: camel knit tulip hat; Frye boots again; indescribably-printed dress that I am too lazy to explain right now

Today I am striving to look like a woodland elf who crawled straight outta John Lennon's trousers pocket, mid-Strawberry Fields-era acid trip. When I was a supercool toddler, I had little plastic figurine of a baby elf-fairy who wore a tulip-flower for a chapeau. She is my "fashion-spiration" for today. October is a magical month. It begins today (on the 1st, of course) and ends with the best day of the entire year: Hallowe'en! And hopefully, I will go on an apple-picking date somewhere betwixt the two.

The most brainiacal and beloved of all the beautiful Pisces(es?) that I have in my life forecasted in June that I would, in three months time, be having A Complex October. I forget exactly why this was so, but who gives a wishbone?? I AM SO ON BOARD FOR THIS! I am going to go out of my way to do everything in my earthly and unearthly power to make sure this is truer than I ever could have imagined.

And you can all be safe in knowing that I will, and will, and WILL, dress the part.

PS: The navy hooded toggle jacket I am wearing in the second Day 59 photo is My Perfect Jacket. If you don't have a Perfect Jacket to call your own, I pity you. Find one, STAT!

Day 60 (10.02.08)- WACKADOODLE FUCK OFF CHIC: black boots; black stockings; black crewneck sweater; a t-shirt advertising some town in Newfoundland; Laura and the Amazing Technicolor Short-alls

These short-alls are quite the hindrance when it comes to using the bathroom. They certainly inspire me to "pee-crastinate". God- wouldn't I just kill to know the story of how these short-alls came to be? Who in the world could possibly have been their original target market? Such questions keep me awake at night. They are unanswerables. Maybe a De La Soul fan? Hippie Hop! I should buy a bunny and name it that.

Basically, I have nothing to say about this outfit except that it blows, and I wouldn't be caught dead in it. All that business I said a couple days ago about self-consciousness and self-confidence was proved right today. I saw the right-est dude I've seen since The Big Breakup of May '08 at the train station today, and totally did not ask him to go drink a white wine spritzer at the Commuter's Lounge with me, which was SO the wrong desiszh. And all because I think my Mesozoic-era-print-short-alls are losery, which they are. Way to decomplexify Complex October with your inactivity, Loserface!

"Love me, love my ugly overalls."

That should be my new motto! Okay, as of now- it is. I just trademarked it, so don't even bother trying it on for size. I'll sue your ass all the way to Timbuktu, brah.

Day 61 (10.03.08)- STRAWBERRY FIELDS FOR-NEVERS BY THE FIERY FURNACES: baby-pink LA Gears; grey drainpipes (I really don't feel like ever uttering the phrase "skinny jeans" again, FYI); photomontage t-shirt from Uniqlo; lime fluoro v-neck; Asli Filinta strawberry scarf; rubber bracelet advertising Argentina's participation in the Germany 2006 FIFA World Cup

The nogoodforme IX, UFC STYLE:

1. I think this is as "of my generation" as I could, would and will ever look.

2. I hate my generation,

3. But I sure love wearing jeans! I miss them. They are comfy, and there's always a lighter in my pocket! No digging around for a lighter in my bag today!

4. It is impossible to fully appreciate the beauty of high-waisted jeans until you spend a day wearing low-waisted jeans. They fall off your ass with an absurd consistency, which can only be solved by loserly tugging them up once per minute and all the while paranoid-ly wondering if the Universe is all like, "OMG, I am so OVER catching nonstop glimpses of Keith Moon's Girl Twin Sister's purple mesh American Apparel bikini-cuts."

5. It's official: "Nevers" in my favorite Fiery Furnaces song, in case you're wondering, Matthew Friedberger.

6. Strawberry is my favorite flavour. This is pertinent info because I am wearing a scarf with a sequined strawberry on it. Howevy, strawberries the fruit themselves are kind of lame and sour compared to strawberries the candy, lip gloss flavour, or sundae topping.

7. Eleanor Friedberger's spirit animal is a giraffe. I am 95% sure of this.

8. I was confident enough while wearing this outfit to give my phone number to a dude who I'm 95% sure was on a date. I am 95% sure he won't call me, and 95% sure this will bum me out tomorrow.

9. AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL THE DUDES YOU HAVE EVER INFORMED ME, "YOU CAN GET ANY GUY YOU WANT":

You're wrong.

Stop stating opinions as if they were facts,
Laura Jane.

Day 62 (10.04.08)- KEITH MOON'S GIRL TWIN SISTER AT HER BOY TWIN BROTHER'S FUNERAL/HOLY GHOST LANGUAGE STUDENT/"GIRL WITH GOOD STYLE"-CHIC: safflower stockings; black Built by Wendy minidress; green & white-striped "jumper"; orangey-print silk scarf; Fresh Tobacco Caramel perfume

The ugliest accessory in the world is a fucking Frappucino. This has nothing to do with anything except for that this is the place where I write about fashion, and this is a fashion opinion I hold.

Back to work. (MATTHEW FRIEDBERGER JOKE!!!!!)

This outfit is a good example of what I would wear if I were in the Beatles. Or if I weren't in the Beatles, apparently. I've felt really fly (for a white guy) all day today. I have fun and I feel fun, and I look fun, and then have even more fun because looking so damned fun half-confuses me (Psychosomatically? Is that apt? I have no idea. I'm so confused!) into having more, more, more and more if it.

I had no idea what the Helter Skelter the UFC was going to be when I naively took it on sixty-two days ago. Now I know: it was a lesson in how to turn boring old getting-crappy-dressed into something that could make me a happier, cooler, better, and more-fun-having version of my pre-existing self. Fun, fun, fun, 'til Daddy takes the T-Bird away. But he NEVER will (take the proverbial T-Bird away, that is). Daddy's on my side, as is life. Life! Fun! Life! T-Birds! Holy Ghost Frickin-Frackin Language School! I love it all!

The world is my element (water, mostly), and, as always, I'm in it.

PS: The second-ugliest accessory in the world is an iPhone, obviously.

Day 63 (10.05.08)- SLUTTY AVANT-EARTH GODDESS- CHIC: black lace-up stacked-heel booties; black footless stockings; green-and-yellow tie-dyed t-shirt; gold mesh tank top with a pot leaf on it, worn as dress; weird knitted French Connection sweater-jacket thing

Clothes are weird.

They make people change their opinions about you. Case in point:

Me. The LCBO. A jerk-off old lady employee with auburn cotton candy hair, pursed lips, and glasses on a chain.

I go to the LCBO a lot. What can I say? When I accidentally quit smoking pot by not smoking it for a couple weeks and then developing a weirdly low tolerance for it that made it so anytime I get stoned, I become convinced I am going to die ASAP, I consciously cultivated a chill half-dependency on sparkling white wine. It was a good idea. I go to the LCBO a lot.

So there is this jerk-off old lady employee who works there, and apparently judges me enitrely/ONLY on my outfit. It's kind of crazy, actually, how judgemental Ol' Cotton Candy Hair is- on days when I'm wearing a pretty dress and lipstick, she smiles at me and treats me like I'm her daughter, or like I'm the daughter she wishes her actual daughter would be. On jeans days, she is mildly indifferent towards me. On days when I look scrappy-scrappy and/or punk-rock, she is straight-up mean.

And today, she treated me like I was either:

a) Lucifer Incarnate
b) algae
c) a plate of moldy dog food
or
d) an actual rapist.

Go to Hell, Puritanical Sentiment and the Drells. What is it about a person's legs that is so damned controversial? I realize I was a bit under-dressed today, but, like, honestly? Deal with it. This is only the beginning. It is the home-stretch of the UFC, and there's going to be a lot of non-pants-wearing going on.

So, Cotton Candy Hair, I hope you know what you're messing with.

I'll Ultimate Fashion Challenge you to the death, Bitch.

Tags: Agnes B, alcoholism, American Eagle Awesome, Asli Filinta, confusion, fun, Keith Moon, Laura Jane's Complex October, Laura loves Matthew Friedberger, LCBO, misrepresentations, Newfoundland, Rolling Stones, strawberries, UFC-Jaded, Ultimate Fashion Challenge

Posted by Laura in Ultimate Fashion Challenge | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (5)

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5 Comments!!

out of all the things Cotton Candy Hair could have treated you like, i'm sure it wasn't algae...algae, one of the oldest forms of life, is the basis of the whole planet's ecosystem and provides most of the oxygen in the air. plus it's the start of most food chains. that would be a compliment, no?

By katie rose on October 6, 2008 11:14 AM

It seems doubtful that Cotton Candy Hair holds such elegant and thoughtful opinions about our natural environment.

By Laura on October 6, 2008 12:40 PM

I don't want a perfect jacket. I want your perfect jacket. Where can I find aforementioned perfect toggle jacket?

Toggle-free and less than perfect in SF

By erica on October 6, 2008 2:39 PM

My perfect jacket is available for purchase at a vintage store in Montreal three Januaries ago. It is little boys, but it is a costume from a movie in the 1950s, which is crazy! What if one day I am watching a movie from the 1950s and I see a little boy wearing my perfect jacket? I'd die, I think.

By Laura on October 6, 2008 2:54 PM

i think i am going to make Slutty Avant-Earth Goddess Chic my own fashion concept for F/W 2008.
xo k.

By kat on October 10, 2008 7:09 PM

Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)

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