Monday , November 16, 2009
nogoodforme Superlatives: Best Makeout Records (and a few anti-makeout ones, too)
The Stooges, Funhouse
Crazy shit tends to happen when Funhouse plays in a public setting. I don't know why, but the brutal, grimy noise of this record makes everyone think they are bad asses. (It also tends to make babies cry, so you know, don't play it at a Sunday afternoon picnic or something.) Everybody gets that bit of swagger going as opener "Down on the Street" raves up, giving ladies and gents an excuse to throw their weight around and be all cool and flirty-confrontational. Sooner or later, though, somewhere around "L.A. Blues," people get all for-real confrontational because everyone wants to be their idea of frontman Iggy Pop at that point, all wiry and nutso and humping amplifiers. This leads to sexual harassment and barfights and other forms of beer-soused craziness. And that's just when the record plays in public. Imagine the mayhem in a more private setting. The mind reels. (By the way, I did put "Dirt" from Funhouse as one of my Heavy Rotation selections awhile ago. A few weeks later I got a weird email from a dude saying he "tested" it and it "worked." Okay, dude. HAVE FUN WITH THAT.)
My anti-makeout record: The Shins or Death Cab for Cutie or any music like that. Are you kidding me? Stop that shit. Leave it for your high school dance, okay? Those kind of bands are the anti-libido, and that is a cease-and-desist for any memorably hot makeout opportunity. (Kat)
HOW TO MAKE OUT WITH LAURA JANE FAULDS TO "RHAPSODY IN BLUE" BY GEORGE GERSHWIN, BY LAURA JANE FAULDS
(Click HERE to download your very own mp3 of "Rhapsody in Blue"; that way you can have the intended "engaging with this post" experience. Feel free to fantasize about me while you listen, especially if you're a hot dude.)
0:00- 0:43: The glorious opening notes of the only piece of music surpassing the extreme excellence of "Hey Jude" play, and we gaze into one another's eyes. We flash them (our eyes). We both know: it's going to be a damn grand evening.This forty-three second segment of "Rhapsody in Blue," while indeed rhapsodic, is kind of playful and coy, so our eye-gazing should be compounded with some sassy half-grinning, lip-biting, eyelash-batting, and hair-twirling. At approximately 25 seconds into "RiB," feel free to take my hand in yours. Stroke it. Stare at me. Bite your lip. Be the hot dude you are. You're playing me "Rhapsody in Blue," Bro! You get me. Let's get married.
0:44- 1:44: This is the schmaltzy, crappy-compared-to-the-rest-of-"Rhapsody in Blue" part of "Rhapsody in Blue", so therefore it is a perfect opportunity for you to make me itch, delaying satisfaction by mixing yourself another Sazerac (that is SO classy of you! A dude who makes his own Sazeracs? HUSBAND MATERIAL) and grabbing me another Spumante Bambino from the fridge. Let's drink our drinks fast so we can maximize our "making out to Rhapsody in Blue" time. LET'S GET BAMBINOED, HOT GEORGE GERSHWIN FAN!
1:45- 2:26: This is the period of time before you kiss me. Use it wisely, my beloved. Reap the benefits of that liquid confidence you just consumed. Gaze at me- though not coyly anymore; the coy part is over. Dude: pretty much leer at me. Classily, though. Leer classily. Then tuck some strands of hair behind my ear for no reason and pay me a compliment, something along the lines of, "Laura Jane Faulds, you are the Sazerac of girls."
2:27: OMG HE KISSED ME!!!! HE TOTALLY JUST KISSED ME!!!!!!!
2:28- 3:45: This is the easy part. All you have to do is make out with me, which you are. God! You are SO in love with me, aren't you? I can tell. This is great! I'm in love with you too, Michael Showalter! The best part of making out to "Rhapsody in Blue" by George Gershwin is that 90% of the work is done for us by a dead Jewish composer who was extraordinarily gifted at employing the musical power of "crescendoes" and "building up to a sonic climax". How convenient. How lovely! Doesn't it sound like the angels are singing down upon us as we share this beautiful night together? I love you.
3:46: Probably a good time to throw some tongue into the mix.
3:47- 4:05: Perfect! You're a really good kisser, Michael Showalter. (Thanks, Laura Jane! You're a really good kisser too! In fact, you're the BEST kisser EVER!)
4:06- 4:35: This is the part of "Rhapsody in Blue" where there is a dramatic pause for a second, and then "Rhapsody in Blue" RULES SO HARD and is so insanely rhapsodic that I want to kill myself and die because music is the best thing in the world (next to making out with you). Pull away from me and smile self-satisfiedly but also lovingly for the dramatic pause, then swig your Sazerac and make out with me some more for the most rhapsodically brilliant thirty seconds of all music history. Spice it up a little for these thirty seconds. I mean, do whatever you want; you're capable. Just make sure it's spicy.
4:36- 5:00: This is the fun part of "Rhapsody in Blue"! It's so catchy! It's like the Beatles, before there was the Beatles! Let's not make out for a second. Let's dance around like idiots for a bit. Or, you could always just sit there and watch me dance like an idiot for a bit. That's a better idea, actually. Sit back and watch your cute new girlfriend jitterbug to the fun part of "RiB". What a lucky man you are.
5:01- 5:30: Oh, Lordy! It's the sweeping ending! Stand the Helter Skelter up, grab me semi-forcefully by the shoulders, then kiss me as theatrically as you possibly can. Here is a tip: while kissing me, pretend that you are Cary Grant.
Wow, Michael Showalter! That was the best making out experience of my life! I need a cigarette.
PS: You know how the Spice Girls are like "If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends?" Well, my version of that sentiment goes: "If you wannabe LJ's lover, you gotta a) not be a Virgo, and b) NEVER PLAY HER BOB MARLEY." So there.
Liz's Top Six Makeout Musics of All-Time
(LEFT TO RIGHT: YES, YES, NO)
Once upon a time when I was very young, I happened upon a very hot Texan Taurus I liked enough to lend my advance copy of The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. There was a marathon makeout session but I forgot to check the CDs in my three-disc CD carousel prior to commencement, so we ended up with: Turn on the Bright Lights by Interpol, Lost Souls by Doves, and You Are Free by Cat Power.
The first one worked out all right, even if a lot of the time the Interpol dude sounds like he's meant to be singing showtunes (and showtunes = opposite of hot). The Doves record, however, was purrrrfection, earning its rank among my Top Six Makeout Musics of All-Time: Most of Lost Souls sounds like floating around an enchanted sea cave that's the exact warmth as your body temperature and glows with the light of some magical underwater moon (which is generally the sort of experience I like to psychically replicate whilst making out).
But You Are Free was just all kinds of wrong. Songs like "Werewolf" are sexy, but "Free" makes me think of robots, "Good Woman" makes me sad about everything, and "Names" - when heard accidentally in the midst of making out - makes me want to die, and not in a good way. In fact, I had to shut it off at "Names." Nowadays I don't even allow for You Are Free to be within 10 miles of the premises when making out's on the menu. I'll advise you to take the same precaution.
In case you're curious, the other items on the Top Six Makeout Musics of All-Time are as follows:
-The Stooges, Funhouse. (So hot it's probably illegal in at least three states.)
-Spoon, "Paper Tiger". (For when you're all in love and stuff.)
-Sonic Youth, Washing Machine. (Having tested this one out at 17, 30, and probably a few ages in between, I can safely deem it uber-dependable, especially if you're into the dreamy Doves-y thing when it comes to makeout music.)
-Queens of the Stone Age, Songs for the Deaf. (Especially "Song for the Dead." Don't even get me started on "Song for the Dead.")
-Nirvana's version of "Heartbreaker" by Led Zeppelin. (This one's kind of a goof, probably most appropriate for blasting superloud when you want to weird out your roommates with your makeout-music selection, or if you happen to have found that rare breed of boy who can look totally adorable while briefing interrupt the making-out for a few notes of air guitar. P.S. There are probably only three such boys in existence in the entire galaxy, FYI.)
Tags: anti-libido, Cary Grant, enchanted sea caves, fights, Funhouse, George Gershwin, Iggy Pop, making out, Michael Showalter, Nirvana, Queens of the Stone Age, Sonic Youth
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Posted by Kat, Liz and Laura in Superlatives |
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I hate Michael Showalter. I hope he NEVER calls me.
By Laura
on October 8, 2008 9:31 PM
The Gershwin makeout is a good call, although I think the mood you depict is different from what it would conjure up for me. There is the worry that it would raise associations with pederast Woody Allen in Manhattan. Then again, who wouldn't want to be pederast Woody Allen in Manhattan.
The only one I am concerned about is Washing Machine. Like, The Diamond Sea? Sure, that's dreamy. But um... Panty Lies? I strongly suspect that its staccato craziness would send more than a few perfectly excellent kissers running from the bachelor pad with disturbed looks on their face.
By Daniel H on October 9, 2008 1:58 PM