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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
nogoodforme Superlatives: Our Favorite Hangover Cures
Today is Election Day, and whether or not you party it up in a victory celebration or drink away your woes tonight, this is nogoodforme's little guide to avoiding feeling beastly the next morning.
THE 3 Bs: BREAKFAST BURRITOS, BROMELAIN & BENEFICIAL BACTERIA
Remember when we were young, and all those nights of screwdriver-and-ice-beer binges went entirely unpunished by the body the following morning? I so vividly recall the mid-college end of that happy era: I woke up in my junior-year beach house feeling like death warmed up; noted the dry mouth, throbbing skull, fever-hot skin, and utter inability to drag my sorry ass outta bed; then asked myself, "Could this be what they call...a hangover?" I was mostly horrified, but maybe a little bit pleased to finally discover what these infamous hangover deals were all about. I also knew that all I wanted in the world was an Egg McMuffin and a big icy Coke.
And I got it, and it was good. And from then on, for so many years, McDonald's was my number-one hangover go-to place, but now that's no longer. Because the problem with getting even older than 19 is I've acquired some major philosophical issues with consuming anything sourced from McDonald's (except maybe the caramel sundaes, once in a blue moon). Plus, eating McDonald's makes me so sick, as if I've coated my insides with greasy plastic.
So what I'd suggest these days is heading to Whole Foods and grabbing yourself a breakfast burrito, a piece of pineapple, and bottle of Gingerade kombucha. The pineapple is absolutely essential: I don't know if it's the bromelain or whatever, but that one little slice is 99 percent guaranteed to make you feel like a new man. Or, if you're not down with Whole Paycheck, and you dig on animal products of some sorts, I'd definitely recommend cooking up some of barKER's magic egg surprise, only with a little bit of cheddar cheese melted in, tomatoes instead of broccoli, no mushrooms, and maybe a Vitamin Water on the side. (And I know Vitamin Water's so fucking ridiculous, but it kinda gets the job done in these situations.) Once you've digested, gulp a lot of coffee and go for a big old jog. Hungover jogging may sound like hell, but if you can push on it'll work crazy magic; I swear.
And for the record, I've actually only ever gone on one screwdriver-and-ice-beer binge in my life. It was the first time I ever got sick off alcohol, and I couldn't drink orange juice for so many months afterward. Gross. (Liz)
LAURA JANE'S TRIED, TESTED & TRUE "FIVE Ws FOR A PLEASANT TOMORROW"
WHITE WINE: This superlative marks the first time I've ever bothered to do any preliminary research for a nogoodforme.com article, not counting the time I Wikipedia-ed Matthew Friedberger's birthday. The extensive research I conducted for this feature (Googling "hangover cures") taught me that I rarely get hangovers because I usually stick to white wine, and alcohols that are lighter in colour have less of the toxin that makes you get hangovers than darker alcohols (bourbon being the worst). White wine and vodka are supposedly your best bets, though I think anyone who's ever overdone it on the vodka (AKA everyone, at some point or another) would venture to disagree. Either way, I always feel peppy as a Jack Russell terrier the morning after I get drunked, so there you go. Drink white wine.
WATER: Well, obviously. If you seriously need Laura Jane of nogoodforme.com to tell you it's a good idea to drink water when you're drinking alcohol, you are either a) a feral child, b) an ex-feral child, or c) even more irresponsible than I am. That's weird. Since when do feral children read fashion blogs? Since when are there people in the world more irresponsible than I am? Is that a double negative? I digress. Water helps. (Oh, and unlike, Barker, I don't believe in Vitamin Water)
WHITE RICE: Isn't it weird how little kids get the stomach flu, like, constantly? I feel like I spent most of my childhood lying on the couch watching The Flintstones with my family's designated red plastic "for puking only" bucket at my side. Whenever I was fluey, my mom would make me white rice mixed with milk and white sugar, and it is still my Ultimate Comfort Food. There is nothing easier on an upset tummy than a great big bowl of this sticky, glutinous, overly-sweet white mush. Nowadays, I substitute soymilk for the real deal, but I really need to stress that YOU CAN'T USE BROWN RICE in this "dish". Why would you? People who say they prefer brown rice to white are lying. Oh yeah, another thing I learned while e-researching hangover cures is that bananas are awesome for hangovers. I would totally add sliced bananas (and maybe cinnamon) to my lump of milky rice-sugar. Yum! That sounds so delish, I'm going to go pound a mickey of SoCo just so I can reap the benefits of ricey banana mush tomorrow morning.
WEED: No matter how you actually feel, whenever you smoke weed, you always just feel stoned. I love it for that. If your post-drunk daily agenda revolves around idling and DVR-ing Dr. Phil eps all day, you may as well call a spade a spade and take a couple hundred bong rips while you're at it. That way, at least you'll have way funnier opinions as to why Dr. Phil is such a bafflingly worthless individual/the hugest genius of all time.
WEALTH DEPLETION: When all else fails, just go shopping and blow a lot of money on DVDs, Japanese stationery, and ugly H&M crap you won't wear. It will make you feel better. Nothing fixes a problem like the almightly Band-aid Solution that is fiscal irresponsiblity! And, if you're bed-ridden, who cares? Even better! That's why they invented eBay. So ailing drunks can have nicer days.
KAT SAYS PREVENTION IS THE KEY
I'm a nerd. Despite nights where I've put away my share and more of Jack Daniels (and more), I've actually never gotten a hangover. And I'm the one who made us do this topic! I'm horrible. And special. No, not really, but when I looked into this topic some more, I realized there were a few things I do when I drink that keep me from feeling all grodey the next day:
1. DRINK SLOWLY. REAL SLOWLY. This is a joke with my friends, because it takes me forever to consume any food and drink and I'm always the last one trying to finish and everyone's looking at me and I'm going, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" But I swear to God, it keeps you from flooding your system too quickly with alcohol. The whole key to hangover prevention and cure is to keep the alcohol demons from rioting like a Brazilian soccer stadium in your bloodstream. You want to allow them to come in, single file in two lines, holding hands like well-behaved little Swiss schoolchildren. Or something like that.
2. I ALWAYS GET IN THE MOOD TO GORGE ON FRIES IN BARS. Fats and carbs keep alcohol from absorbing into your system, so keep eating as you throw back a few. Some people say sugar is good, but I think sugar actually facilitates the rapid absorption of alcohol into the bloodstream. How else do you explain how all those sorority girls get so terribly shit-faced on such girly drinks? Oh my god, I'm sooooooooooooo drunk!!!!
3. DRINK LOADS OF WATER BEFORE YOU PASS OUT. If I'm at this point, I usually don't remember why I do this, but it seems to work. Supposedly you shouldn't drink anything with caffeine, though, because it will dehydrate you more. I also think I eat some more food before I get to bed, because inevitably I wake up in the morning and there are empty bags of food everywhere. It's very odd and disconcerting.
4. MAKE SURE TO GET SOME SLEEP.This is not scientifically proven, but I have this theory that people are so chronically and severely sleep-deprived that drinking accelerates and exacerbates the effects of this upon your body. Either way, if you were on the verge of sleep-related gnarliness before, you'll be way gnarly if you don't get enough sleep during that critical post-alcoholic consumption period. Being a chronic insomniac (totally unrelated to drinking), I think sleep works wonders for anything, and I'm really convinced that you can sleep almost anything off. So if you have the presence of mind, take a nice shower, snuggle under the covers and get some zzzzzzzs. You're pretty much guaranteed to snore, though -- funny how alcohol will do that to lots of people.
What a nice little assemblage of libertine wisdom! I propose that tonight we all put these ideas and approaches to the test, and you can tell us all about how they worked tomorrow morning. (Kat)
Tags: alcohol, Dr Phil, feral children, hangover cures, hungover jogging, Jack Russell terriers, Laura doesn't believe in Vitamin Water, Laura loves Matthew Friedberger, McDonald's caramel sundaes are still boss, screwdriver-and-ice-beer binges, sleep, softcore drugs, white wine, Whole Foods
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