Sunday , July 11, 2010
Everything I Know, I Learned From the Ultimate Fashion Challenge
I wrote my first UFC update post almost exactly three months ago. It was a weirdly chilly day for being August 10th, and I was practically chomping at the bit with misplaced excitement. I had no idea what I was about to put myself through. I was stupid. I was a child. I distinctly recall thinking that the UFC would most likely conclude in about a month's time; I also distinctly recall thinking that it would be fun.
It was a little bit fun. It had its moments. But in the end, it became too much. I am a big believer in the sentiment behind the best James Bond theme song Paul McCartney ever wrote: LIVE AND LET DIE. Dude, I tried. The downfall of the Ultimate Fashion Challenge was that it died before its time, but I couldn't let up. It was sort of like: DIE AND LET LIVE.
To give you a shorthand idea of what the UFC was actually like for me:
Week 1: Nothing; I was so naive; pretty much the same as not-the-UFC
Week 2: Confusing; stressful; rife with unnecessary over-thinking; still pretty naive
Week 3: Semi-fun; began to find my groove
Week 4: Pyjama-centric; kind of boring
Week 5: Entirely overshadowed by Spirit Animal House
Week 6: Got kind of frantic; looked cute
Week 7: Hella conceptual; insanely fun; felt "relevant"; fell in love with the UFC
Week 8: Regularly felt like I had the best style of my life; developed UFC-OCD
Week 9: Revelatory; the last fully Good Week
Week 10: Tiresome; occasionally good; malaise began to set in
Week 11: Grew highly resentful of my August-self for getting me into this mess; tried my best to cope with the reality of how, even though the UFC was kind of close to being over, it was SO NOT OVER
Week 12: I hated the UFC and wanted to die
Week 13: I hated the UFC and wanted to die more than I did during Week 12, but there was an end in sight, which made me want to live
On August 10th, I wrote:
I'm hoping that throwing myself outside of my comfort zone and introducing restrictions and limitations into an inescapable ritual that I suppose I do take for granted, will force me to think about things I never stop thinking about in ways I never would have considered without having those constraints pressed upon me. And if not, whatever, maybe I'll just come up with some cool outfits.
Well, Laura Jane, you did it! This definitely happened; I guess I succeeded. It's true: I AM THE ULTIMATE FASHION CHAMPION. But let me tell y'all:
Ultimate Fashion Championship is a cruel, cruel mistress.
Click behind the jump for UFC Lessons Learned, the UFC Top 5, the UFC Bottom 5, and a brief report on the beautiful sparkling magickal magick that is LAURA JANE'S POST-UFC EXISTENCE!
1. The clothes may make the man (and, sadly, they pretty much do), but The Man Makes The Day. Therefore, it is infinitely important to ask yourself every single morning, "What do I feel like BEING today?" Dress accordingly.
2. If it has a stain on it, you NEED to throw it out.
3. A great way to kill time when you're bored is to stand in front of your mirror and try on weird clothes that you never wear in weird combinations with other weird clothes you never wear. It is in no way guaranteed that such experimentation will necessarily lead to hotter outfits, but breaking down the boundaries of what you think you like best WILL change the way you think about dressing yourself.
4. Don't allow yourself to be disheartened by the fact that not every outfit can be The Sazerac Of Outfits. If every outfit was The Sazerac Of Outfits, there would be no such thing as the Sazerac Of Outfits, and what a terrible world it would be, if there were no Sazeracs Of Outfits.
5. It's always better to look like Something on Acid than just plain Something. .
6. Never wear the same outfit two days in a row. It's pointless and stupid. You have tons of clothes- WEAR THEM! Repeating looks ad nauseum will only confuse you into believing your life is boring. But really, it's not- only your clothes are!
7. Be careful about buying patterned shit- it doesn't last. If you review all eighty-nine of my UFC entries, one of the only consistencies you'll find is: the more a given garment is defined by its pattern, the worse I feel about wearing it (Day 1, Day, 3, Day 15, Day 23, Day 30, Day 44, Day 60, etc.) Unless you are seriously, seriously in love with a particular textile (Day 58, Day 77, etc.), you will get sick of it, think its ugly, and feel like a loser anytime you wear it.
8. Don't designate any items in your closet "date looks" and then punish yourself for not having a date by never wearing them.
9. Nothing will ever be better than jeans and a t-shirt.
10. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TAKE ON AN ULTIMATE FASHION CHALLENGE OF YOUR OWN! It may seem like a good idea, but I swear- it isn't! Honestly, World: Do as I say, not as I do.
5. DAY 12 (Beatle boots; Topshop Wet Look leggings; John Lennon Some Time in New York City t-shirt; Proenza Schouler for Target short-sleeved sweatshirt): It's really easy for me to look "cute", but really hard for me to look "tough", I mean, tuff. But on Day 12, I really managed to look like more of a badass motherfucker than I did any other day of the entire UFC and/or my life. This look was a really apt homage to the existence of John Lennon & Yoko Ono, which rules. All I ever want to do is exist entirely as an homage to the existence of John & Yoko. And on Day 12, I did. Good job, Laura Jane.
4. DAY 76 (COOL CLOTHES I LIKE-CHIC: grey footless stockings; Revolver t-shirt; orange v-neck sweater worn as dress): This one was a nice surprise. It came about really late into the UFC, when I had pretty much given up all hope that I would ever wear a cool outfit again. I forgot to mention in my Day 76 write-up that I found this orange sweater in a pile of garbage outside my high school seven years ago. It's really impressive to me that a sweater I found in the trash outside Cawthra Park Secondary School ultimately became an integral component of my fourth-favorite outfit of the whole UFC. Also, let's not forget to take notice of how 2/5 UFC faves involve Beatles t-shirts. I like to wear Beatles t-shirts. I should probably purchase more of them (though definitely not the kind they sell at Hot Topic that say The Beatles like how the words look on Ringo's drumkit, only made out of rhinestones).
3. DAY 58 (KEITH MOON'S GIRL TWIN SISTER IN PARIS: black patent double-strap maryjanes; brown knee-high socks; "Paris Jupe " from Agnes B Petites Filles (thrifted, five bucks); white-and-dandelion iris-appliqued top; purple skull-print See by Chloe sweater): This is just a really pretty, really cute lil' outfit. This is what I mean when I say it's easy for me to look "cute". There is just some innate thing about me that makes me look really natural and/or at home in things like knee socks and Paris jupes and Mary Janes. This is annoying when I want to look like Richard Hell and end up looking like freaking Amelie, but, when executed properly, it's nice to look like a sweetheart. People trust you. They give you things. They judge you less. It's chill.
2. DAY 2 (Cut-off J Brand jean shorts; white wifebeater; yellow sleeveless hoody (vintage Gap from Goodwill); "Imagine Peace" pin): I never, ever forgave myself for "getting rid of" my Imagine Peace badge on Day Freaking Two. Poor, naive Day Two Laura Jane- that little shit knew nothing. On the eve of Day Two, I remember talking people's ears off about how I was participating in an Ultimate Fashion Challenge as if I knew what the UFC even was; what the hell?!?!?! Who the Helen Keller did that bitch think she was? It was DAY TWO. Whatevs. This outfit is just so cool, so chill, so ME. I love my yellow sleeveless hoody more than most things I own; unfortunately, it looks stupid with a longsleeve underneath, which means that it is going to have to be on hiatus for the next eight months. Thanks for ruining my life, Ultimate Fashion Challenge. GOOD RIDDANCE.
1. DAY 45 (WRATH: yellow Eugenia Kim beret; burgundy paisley French Connection top; South of France-patterned scarf; sanguine F-print skirt): This really was The Sazerac of Outfits. This outfit blew my mind. I have never felt so attractive in my life as I did on Day 45; honest to Pete (Townshend?) The icing on the beautiful Sazerac-flavored cake of Day 45 was that, pre-Day 45, I thought that this top and skirt were utter garbage. This outfit changed the way I will think about outfits forever. It made me realize how important it is to care. I mean, I knew that, but not in the specific way that the Sazerac of Outfits unintentionally stressed for me. Life is short, Man, and often kinda shitty. Live it the Helter Skelter up. Dress like you MEAN IT. Work hard, die old, and rock this town inside out, every single day. AMEN.
DAY 22 (Thrifted little boys' green-and-white striped Oxford; Topshop high-waisted widelegs; grey old man lace-ups): There is nothing particularly awful about this look, except for the fact that I felt inexplicably terrible about myself while wearing it. I trashed those high-waisted wide-legs last Saturday; they're too short. A couple years ago, I was all about exploring androgyny. Then I was at the Passport Office getting my passport renewed, and the toddler sitting next to me kept shouting "LOOK, MOMMY! IT'S A BOY!" about me, and his Mom kept whispering, "No, Honey, don't say that, it's a girl" and, ever since, I haven't been all that into exploring androgyny. Go figure.
DAY 60 (WACKADOODLE FUCK OFF CHIC: black boots; black stockings; black crewneck sweater; a t-shirt advertising some town in Newfoundland; Laura and the Amazing Technicolor Short-alls): These short-alls prove why 90% of outlandish patterns are a majorly bad idea. To paraphrase myself, what are the chances that you are going to wake up one morning and think "Wow! Every single aspect of how I feel today is entirely summed up by a pseudo-Afrikaan tribal print?" Um: ZERO.
DAY 54 (EROTIC HOBBYHORSE FRAULEIN (guest conceptualized by the Oxford English Dictionary): navy blue leggings; white wifebeater (only one left!); nasty pink and black lingerie-y top; white knit rosebud sweater): This day is the inspiration behind UFC Lesson Learned #2 (if it has a stain on it, throw it out). Every single thing I wore on Day 54 was stained. I felt like a hobo or a horse. I was paranoid that every person I crossed paths with saw me and thought: "EW!"; also, speaking of paranoia, I was totally paranoid that I smelled bad. Which I probably did. EW!
DAY 81 ( HOLY GHOST LANGUAGE STUDENT REDUX REDUX: black boots; red & white striped knee sox; blue stockings; men's XXL white v-neck worn as dress; purple & green striped polo shirt; burgundy/white/black sweatervest; Best Friends necklace): This outfit was symbolic. This outfit pushed me over the edge. I had to wear this outfit to work, and I felt like giving myself the axe right then and there. This outfit is, in my books, unacceptable. This outfit is problematic. This outfit is "fugly". Outside the context of the UFC, there is no good reason on Earth to wear a men's XXL v-neck t-shirt as a "skirt". Part of me was grateful that I bought a three-pack of XXL men's v-neck t-shirts last July; God only knows what I would have done without them. Well, good for God. But I'm not God, I'm Laura Jane Faulds, and this outfit SUCKED.
DAY 86 (THE CRAPPIEST OUTFIT OF THE ENTIRE UFC!: red snowflaked long johns; striped stupid Oxford-y thing; red & white baseball shirt; Australia tee): Well, obviously. I am just grateful as Hell-vetica that I had Day 86 off of work. As we all know, I was a trooper about the UFC, and if I'd've had to go in, I totally would have worn this. And then I would have been fired for wearing snowflake-print long-johns to work. And then my life would have been officially ruined by the Ultimate Fashion Challenge. And, you know, that would've really pissed me off.
I definitely feel its absence, that's for sure. My post-UFC sartorial existence is easy as pie compared to The Shit I've Seen, and I definitely feel loads better about my physical appearance. But post-UFC life lacks the high-highs and low-lows that I came to expect over the course of the particularly intense eighty-nine days I recently lived. Actually, I've felt kind of purposeless and broody this week; up til now, I've attributed it to impending winter, dumb boy garbage, and my general inability to see what is good about my life with any degree of clarity whatsoever. But maybe I just miss the Ultimate Fashion Challenge. God, Joni Mitchell, you are so right sometimes! You don't know what you got 'til it's gone.
Old habits die hard, as they (they=not necessarily Joni Mitchell, but perhaps Joni Mitchell) say. On my first day of post-UFC existence, I did a major wardrobe overhaul. I trashed everything I hated, put summer clothes into Tupperware bins, and crafted for myself a pared-down closet composed solely of The Goods. But still: every night, when I get home from work, I change into jammers and place my Daily Outfit atop my desk, away from my As Yet Unworn Clothes, just as I did every night of the UFC. What I mean is that I can't help but apply the learned behaviors of the Ultimate Fashion Challenge to my new, UFC-free life. I am working only with the best stuff I've got, but am nevertheless articulating a mini-UFC out of it. And I will probably do this over and over again forever. I am a creature of habit.
Whenever I tell people who have never known a vegan before that I'm vegan, they inevitably make some sort of comment along the lines of, "How do you do that?? What do you eat?? I couldn't live without [insert name of animal product said person couldn't live without here]." But here's the thing: veganism is the Sazerac of Diets. When you are vegan, you have no choice but to care. You care intensely about the food you put in your body every single day. You always think to prepare for how you may very well end up in a location with crappy vegan food options; you think about protein and how you're going to give it to yourself that day so you don't die of anemia; you find your favorite vegan haunts in the city you live in; you discover your favorite meals and treats and go out of your way to make sure you always have some of them on hand.
The Ultimate Fashion Challenge taught me to dress myself the way that I feed myself. Whenever I think back to pre-veganism Laura Jane, it blows my mind how little thought or energy or effort I put into feeding myself the things I like the best. And now, when I think back to pre-UFC Laura Jane, I can't believe how boring and anti-hella-conceptual and not-entirely-avant-wack I was for wearing the same stupid t-shirts and jeans over and over again.
That being said, I really need to stress that THERE HAS NEVER BEEN A HUMAN BEING ON THIS PLANET SO GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO WEAR JEANS AND A T-SHIRT AS I HAVE BEEN THIS WEEK.
Like I said, every day can't be The Sazerac of Days. But if that's the case, you might as well be comfortable. You might as well just be you. Really: it's your only choice.
Best wishes,
The Ultimate Fashion Champion,
November 8th, 2008.
PS: OMG OMG HELLZ YEAHHHHHH:
Tags: avant-wack, Best of the UFC, John & Yoko, Joni Mitchell, Laura Jane Faulds, Sazeracs, tees please, Ultimate Fashion Challenge, Ultimate Fashion Championship, Worst of the UFC
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I LOVE THIS.
Love the all-black outfit. BUT OF COURSE YOU DO, KAT!!!
xo k.
By kat on November 8, 2008 9:37 PM
I was so going to caption that outfit "Laura Jane does Kat Asharya"!
I highly recommend you nab yr own drapey Covet bamboo cardigan. It's the best thing in the world!
By Laura
on November 8, 2008 10:19 PM
FUCKING BRILLIANT. faulds, you've done it again.
(and i'm pronouncing 'again' like you canadians, btw.)
By Liz
on November 8, 2008 11:44 PM
I know what you mean about the weird lingering effects of a challenge like this. And how it's never quite as satisfying as you think it will be, to finish.
By John on November 9, 2008 2:56 AM
congratulations on finishing the UFC! this post is especially brilliant. and because of you, i totally just threw out a pair of pants with an olive oil stain on them.
By teri on November 9, 2008 3:03 PM