Sunday , July 4, 2010
Congratulations from Laura Jane!- Jennifer Aniston, Will Smith's son, Juliana Hatfield
1. CONGRATULATIONS TO JENNIFER ANISTON
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
I think you are a super-cool, chill, and weirdly-together-for-being-famous human being, and, no matter what you do, I will always support you. This week, it has come to my attention that you may or may not be pregnant with John Mayer's baby (and/or babies; sometimes speculation of your being knocked up is accompanied by reports that you are carrying twins. In which case: the more the merrier!).
Jen, if you do happen to be pregnant with John Mayer's baby: congratulations! You've always been awesomely honest with the mainstream media about how desperate you are to have a lil' kidlet. The media are not always kind to you about this. They love to bring up how depressed you must be about how Brad is now father to, like, 10 billion tots, and you are STILL SINGLE. That sucks of the media. I hate them on your behalf. Anyway, you'll obvs be the best Mom ever. I just hope that US Weekly doesn't nickname you "Mom-iston" and your baby "Mini-ston" or something equally horrific.
If you are not pregnant with John Mayer's baby: congratulations on not being pregnant with John Mayer's baby! He's obviously quite the sleazebag, and would probably be a deadbeat dad. Only I bet he'd be even worse than your average deadbeat dad, since he seems to perceive himself to be this sage-like/Adonis/prophet hybrid-thing and is (I'm assuming) too self-involved to meet your hypothetical child's needs. You should seriously consider yourself lucky to not be stuck in this obvious shitbox of a situation. Hold out for a man who deserves your awesome self, Jen!
We really need to hang out sometime,
Laura Jane
PS: If you are indeed pregnant with John Mayer's baby, please ignore that last paragraph. I was only kidding. John Mayer will make an awesome dad. I trust your judgment.
2. CONGRATULATIONS TO JADEN SMITH
Dear Jaden,
This is a facetious congratulations.
I hate you, Jaden Smith. I hate you and your stupid Scientologist father. I don't necessarily hate your mother, Jada Pinkett Smith, but I do think that her weird nu-metal band, Wicked Wisdom, is stupid and pointless and basically just total crap.
I found out about ten minutes ago while boredly scrolling through pages of blah garbage on Perez Hilton that your rich daddy is producing a remake of The Karate Kid starring GUESS WHO? You- his son. Jaden Smith.
That is just so fair. What awesome casting! I'm so sure you are the best man for the job, Jaden Smith. I'm sure that you will so be able to come remotely close to holding a candle to the immense charm and sweetness of Ralph Macchio, the ONLY Karate Kid in my opinion.
Do you even know what "facetious" means, Jaden Smith? I doubt it. I bet you don't know what "nepotism" means, either. Go enjoy your childhood. Stop being in movies. It makes you seem lame.
Best wishes (NOT!),
Laura Jane
3. CONGRATULATIONS TO JULIANA HATFIELD
Dear Juliana Hatfield,
I read your recent blog post and am motivated and inspired by your candor. It is appalling how taboo it remains for women (and men, too) to speak openly about their experiences with eating disorders. Congratulations on reclaiming your life and having the confidence to share your story with the blogosphere/world/me/everybody.
You have changed people's lives.
We all love you,
Laura Jane
PS: Please do not allow the sincerity of what I am saying to be diminished by the fact that this letter is positioned beneath hate mail to Will Smith's son.
PPS: "Fleur de Lys" is the best song ever!
Tags: Congratulations from Laura Jane, eating disorder awareness, facetiousness, Jaden Smith, Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer, Juliana Hatfield, nepotism, Wicked Wisdom, Will Smith
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5 Comments!!
Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)
Got something to say? We'd love to hear it! Name, email and "type in the weirdo drunken text" thingie are all required to comment; don't worry, we won't email you or anything, we just want to make sure you're not an evil spambot. Keeping in mind the good-times mentality we like to keep going here, we've worked hard to keep NOGOODFORME.COM as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
I know someone who, as an ongoing joke, tries to spread a rumor about Will Smith's recent death by talking very loudly about it while walking down the street in New York. It's garnered some gasps of shock ("Will Smith and Bernie Mac on the same day!?"), but as far as I know it has yet to succeed. Believe me, it's hilarious in a very terrible way. "Poor Jada!"
R.I.P. Bernie Mac, btw.
By April on November 12, 2008 1:51 AM
dear LJ, you rule. your entries rule. rulage!
By melanie on November 12, 2008 10:48 AM
I'm so with you on the mini Will Smith. ewww! I've never disliked a child so instantaneously before.
By suzann on November 12, 2008 11:17 AM
I appreciate your JH call-out. She is so wonderful. Hope she reads this...
By Laura f. on November 12, 2008 12:36 PM
this entry = awesome in every way.
MOMISTON! OH NOES!
xo k.
By kat on November 12, 2008 2:58 PM