Wednesday , March 17, 2010
nogoodforme Superlatives: Dream Musical Collaborations
BLASPHEMOUS RUMOURS, THE MUSICAL: FEATURING THE MUSIC OF DEPECHE MODE
If anyone has been privileged (or cursed) enough to have conversations about music with me on a regular basis, they'll probably have heard me advocate a Depeche Mode musical at least once. The idea is rather hilarious at first glance, but actually it's so genius that I'm surprised some asshole Broadway producer hasn't thought of it earlier: DM are bombastic, grandiose and infinitely melodic, and their songs have an innate sense of narrative and character that would make adapting their oeuvre into a Broadway musical so frickin' easy. It's so utterly logical that it kills me! My take would be to call the thing "Blasphemous Rumours," it would star the kid who played Silas in "Weeds" and completely bowled everyone when he starred in "Spring Awakening," and the big moment where everyone sings along at the end in a big old kumbaya of a song-and-dance would be to "Never Let Me Down Again" and the whole cast would pile into a car and drive off into the sunset to the big city. That's all I have so far, but I can tell you that it's already beyond awesome. (Kat)
THE ARCHIES: THE 2009 EDITION
There are not enough fake bands in 2009, and this is not okay. I am so over real bands; they're chock-full of unlovable, egotistical jerkoffs, and seem more focused on perpetuating the flawed myth of the artistic temperament than writing songs as good as "Sugar, Sugar" by The Archies. Which brings me to the crux of my argument: The Archies are the greatest fake band of all time. They fake-wrote the best fake songs, and looked fake-great doing it. Since no fake band could ever surpass the fake brilliance of The Archies, we might as well just consider all bets off and reform The Archies! They, I mean, we, can be called The Archies: The 2009 Edition. Because I moonlight as Simon Fuller and/or Cowell, I have taken the liberty of casting an updated Archies lineup that I feel does justice to The Archies' storied and portentous legacy.
Starring THE DUDE FROM FRANZ FERDINAND as ARCHIE ANDREWS: I don't really know why I picked him. It just seems like (with the help of a little ginger hair-dye) he could be a proper Archie. Plus, he's a charismatic frontman, and I want The Archies: The 2009 Edition to be ace, because a) it's a killer concept and b) I'm in The Archies: The 2009 Edition, and I want to get really famous.
Starring MATTHEW FRIEDBERGER as REGGIE MANTLE: Unlike Reggie Mantle, Matthew Friedberger is neither moderately sociopathic nor problematically obsessed with capital acquisition. Matthew Friedberger is, however, a gifted songwriter- but that ain't really gonna fly in this context, since The Archies: The 2009 Edition's entire recorded output will consist of note-for-note covers of original Archies songs. Nevertheless, Matthew Friedberger does have brown hair, making him an ideal candidate to take over Reggie's fake bass-playing duties.
Starring MARY TIMONY as BETTY COOPER: Betty Cooper sucks. She is an entirely inadequate female role model; excepting the fact that her character is an accomplished auto mechanic, Betty exemplifies the mid-20th-century archetype of Happy Housewife (or, Happy Housewife: The Teenage Edition) Betty is a total pushover for Archie, always there to fix up his stupid jalopy so he can take Veronica out on a hot date. Mary Timony is nothing like Betty Cooper, but she is a female vocalist who I like and would be honored to back-up vox-collabo with in The Archies: The 2009 Edition. And, if it so happens that history repeats itself and Franz Ferdinand Dude falls in love with both of us, she can have him; he's not my type. No girl-dramz here!
Starring LAURA JANE FAULDS as VERONICA LODGE: Sure, my hair may be blonde right now, but that doesn't mean I'm not still a brunette. Actually, I am more than just a brunette, I am An Ultimate Brunette. Veronica Lodge, howevs, is The Ultimate Brunette. Maybe once I become the Veronica Lodge of The Archies: The 2009 Edition, then 'llI be The Ultimate Brunette!
Starring JUSTINE FRISCHMANN as JUGHEAD JONES: Jughead is The Archies' drummer, and Justine Frischmann is not a drummer. But that's okay! Justine Frischmann is the ideal neo-Jughead because she is lanky, black-haired, and regularly consumes twenty-five Pop Tate's cheeseburgers in one sitting. Plus, there is already an Archies song called "Justine", so that's really convenient. Franz Ferdinand Dude can serenade her onstage!
In the oh-so-succinct words of our predecessors: Bang Shang A Lang, Bang Bang! (LJ)
BIRDS OF A FEATHER: MARY TIMONY & JOHN FRUSCIANTE
For a long time I was really stoked on the idea of Mary Timony joining forces with John Frusciante - not just to make a song or record or rock opera, but maybe to fall in love and get married and live happily ever after. "Think what weird babies they'd have!" I'd exclaim to anyone who might halfway give a damn. But the dream eventually faded, which might've had something to do with my finally meeting John Frusciante and finding out he's so not nice enough for our Mary (who's never been anything but sweet as pie every time I've fawned all over her at a merch table post-show). Nonetheless, I'll allow that maybe Old John was just in a cranky-pants mood that day and he's actually quite worthy of the Timonyster's charms. And if we ever happen to all be at the same Fugazi Fan Club ice cream social some night, I'll be sure to introduce them to each other and say something like, "You're both totally nutso for Joy Division!" so they'll have something to awkwardly chat about before I slyly slink away and help myself to more Heavenly Hash.
Anyway, if those two weirdos every made a song or record or rock opera together, I'm certain it'd be the most soul-ruling thing I'd ever heard in my life, and I'd go so crazy for it I'd probably end up absentmindedly driving my car off the PCH and into the beautiful briny sea, which would only make it sound even more epic. They're my number-one guitar gods of all time, and right now I'm kinda relieved that my lack of knowledge of Mary Timony's birthday is keeping me from devoting way too much of my precious time today to figuring out their astrological compatibility (both onstage and beyond). (Liz)
Tags: cheeseburgers, fake bands, Franz Ferdinand Dude, guitar gods, Heavenly Hash, ice cream socials, John Frusciante, Justine Frischmann, Laura Jane Faulds, Mary Timony, Matthew Friedberger, sociopathy, The Archies, ultimate brunette-dom, Veronica Lodge
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Posted by Kat in Superlatives |
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this is so awesome! i think we've just figured out the entertainment portion of our next event!
By Liz
on January 27, 2009 1:43 PM
I have tried SO HARD in my life to figure out Timony's zodiac sign. She must be a Pisces. If Mary Timony is not a Pisces, nothing means anything.
Before I thought of my high-concept nouveau-Archies idea, I was totally going to do "Matthew Friedberger & Mary Timony", and then, Liz, we would have essentially written the exact same superlative. It's like we're the second-grade best friends who have to get separated during silent reading hour because they keep talking about their weird little worlds togeths.
By Laura
on January 27, 2009 4:28 PM
Oh, how I LOVE Depeche Mode.
Thank heavens they are coming out with a new album. I need a fix.
By Tiffany on January 28, 2009 1:53 AM
i am always beyond psyched to find a fellow DM lover!! xo k. ps -- those are such great gena rowlands pics, tiffany! ach, i LOVE her...
By Kat
on January 28, 2009 1:01 PM