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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
An Open Letter to... SETH MEYERS!
Dearest Seth Meyers,
My name is Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com, and I am here, today, to explain why I think you should ask me out on a date. This may seem like an unattractively pathetic approach to looking for love and, hey- that opinion is not entirely unfounded. I am a bit desperate these days indeed. See, it has taken me eleven long and lonely months of tears, emotional breakdowns, psychotherapy, Narc-Anon, and finally- acceptance (!)- to fully recover from having my heart done did damn got broke by that cad Michael Showalter. Now that I'm back in action, I am realizing that an eleven-month dry spell is in no way okay. I am on the market, and if there's one thing you can say about Laura Jane Faulds, it's that she doesn't settle for anything less than the very best.
See, Seth, I'm older than I used to be. I'm tired, lazy, and often misanthropic (or maybe just surround myself with losers who bring out my inner misanthrope? Je ne sais pas). I have a short fuse. I don't feel like bothering with going out to some stupid bar, engaging in some stupid conversation with some stupid 20-year-old Virgo who wears Cheap Mondays and will try to convince me that I don't understand Jack Kerouac ("His writing is bad on purpose, which is why it's brilliant!"), and ask me if I've listened to the new Mice Parade record (side note: Mice Parade is actually the name of a real band, it's not just some Wolf Parade parody-joke-name I'm making up for fun), etc etc etc forevs, I digress.
What I feel like doing is dating Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live, who is you. I feel like giving myself the Man I Deserve, who is Seth Meyers of Saturday Night Live, who, once again, is you.
See? Not so desperate after all, am I?!
But anyway, enough dilly-dallying. Let's get straight to the crux of this issue (this issue being, "me and you and our potential long-term committed relationship") I'm all business, a straight-shooter, a take-no-prisoners kinda gal (some other things I am: scrappy, cool, funny, awesome, a blogger, a brunette, a Beatlemaniac, the Ultimate Fashion Champion, a loose cannon a la Teresa Heinz-Kerry, etc) Since all information is most easily digestible when presented in list form, here is
SOME EVIDENCE PROVING THAT WE SHOULD DATE:
I just learned via imdb.com that "[your] mom, Hilary Meyers, is a legendary French teacher at McKelvie Middle School in Bedford, New Hampshire, who is known almost universally throughout the town as Madame Meyers" which is INSANE, because my Mom is a legendary French teacher known almost universally throughout the town of Oakville, Ontario as Madame Faulds!!!!
Everybody knows that shared experience is the stuff great relationships are made out of. This is why short people date other short people, and why Tom Brady is dating Gisele Bundchen. Discussing the manifold and specific intricacies of having a notorious French-teaching mother may not take us all the way to the altar, but is guaranteed to get us through at least four or five dinner dates.
PS: What's your favourite verb tense, Hot Stuff?
2. You share a birthday with Elizabeth Barker of nogoodforme.com: It is a proven fact that I love Elizabeth Barker of nogoodforme.com, who, like you, was born on December 28th. This must mean that I am astrologically compatible with people born on December 28th to an overwhelmingly overwhelming degree. I love Elizabeth Barker; therefore, I will love you. I wonder: are you are the exact dude equivalent of Elizabeth Barker? If yes, that would be awesome.The Dude Equivalent of Liz Barker= The Dude of My Dreams= You. Terrific!
3. When I was a little kid, I read a book about a squirrel named Seth: This was my first-ever encounter with the name Seth. Therefore, I have always seen the name Seth as being a "Squirrel Name." If we were dating, my cute nickname for you could be "Squirrel Nutkin." According to jezebel.com, "couples that create their own romantic language, complete with... stupid nicknames" are more likely to maintain satisfying relationships! Our relationship hasn't even begun, and we're already acing it, Squirrel Nutkin!
4. We both followed our hearts: The only thing dumber than pursuing a career in comedy is pursuing a career in writing, or perhaps vice versa. When I'm not busy trying to get quirky comedians to date me over the Internet, I devote the vast majority of my mental energy to pitying myself for not having an "easy life path" like "accountants," "veterinarians," et al. I'm sure you can relate to this, but luckily for you, you succeeded in life! Maybe this will motivate me to feel less sorry for myself. Also, maybe you could use your celebrity to help me become more successful? That would be nice.
5. We both love The Beatles: This one is a guess. I have no idea if you love The Beatles or not. But there is definitely a higher chance that you love- or at least like- The Beatles than that you hate them and think they are a bad band. If you do hate The Beatles, I'm sure there is some other band we both love. The Kinks, mayhaps?
6. You are the opposite of Michael Showalter, kind of: I hate Michael Showalter. His initials are "M.S." (which is kind of wussy, because they're like "Ms.") Your initials are "S.M," the opposite of Showalter's (they are totally not wussy, because they're like "S&M") As such, we can only assume that I must love you, since "love" is the opposite of "hate" (the emotion I feel toward Showalter)- do you see the unfuckwithable logic of what I'm getting at here? Basically: actions speak louder than words, inactivity speaks louder than actions, and your initials speak louder than anything. Quod Erat Demonstrandum.
7. Is this a cute couple, or is this a cute couple?:
Despite the strength of my evidence, I honestly cannot say whether or not the two of us would truly make a smash hit of a couple. These things are always a crapshoot; if there is one person in the world who fully accepts the 20/20 blindness of that cruel mistress we call love, it is I. But either way, It's worth a shot. Just drop me a line at email@example.com, let me know the time and the place (Personally, I vote for Cosmic Sangria and SonicVision, but it's your call)- I am more than happy to take a Greyhound bus to New York City in the name of my future Squirrel Nutkin.
PS: If you are not Seth Meyers, but happen to know Seth Meyers, can you please forward this note along to Seth Meyers? He doesn't have a Twitter, so I don't know how to get in touch with him.
Tags: broken hearts, Cosmic Sangria, Laura Jane Faulds, Liz Barker, loneliness, Mice Parade, Michael Showalter, Narc-Anon, open letters, self-pity, Seth Meyers, Seth Meyers should date Laura Jane Faulds, SonicVision, squirrels, The Beatles, verb tenses
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