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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
Random Picture Entry: 3 Reasons Why I'm Meant to Marry Early-1970s Kris Kristofferson
The best thing about the newly published Rolling Stone feature on Kris Kristofferson is how it makes you realize that Kris Kristofferson is the Best Man in the World, and not in the way that Esquire thinks Angelina Jolie is the best woman in the world. It's got more to do with the fact that, as author Stupid Ethan Hawke nonstupidly points out at the start of the story, "Kris Kristofferson is cut from a thicker, more intricate cloth than most celebrities today: Imagine if Brad Pitt had also written a Number One single for Amy Winehouse, was considered among the finest songwriters of his generation, had been a Rhodes scholar, a U.S. Army Airborne Ranger, a boxer, a professional helicopter pilot - and was as politically outspoken as Sean Penn." Not to mention that early-1970s Kris Kristofferson was hotter than an armadillo's hide at a West Texas picnic on the Fourth of July, as Stupid Ethan Hawke stupidly fails to add. What shoddy journalism.
(By the way, the best thing about the newly published Rolling Stone feature on Kris Kristofferson is not how Ethan Hawke tells the reader early on: "As a music fan, I had dreamed of the encounter [with Kristofferson], but the unforeseen interloper is my own need to express myself, asking questions quickly and then just as rapidly answering them. Periodically, I let him speak." Really, dude? Really? Congrats on being a way bigger asshole than I've ever given you credit for. But uncongrats on the irksome assumption that quasi-self-effacingly acknowledging your assholeness somehow excuses everything. It doesn't. Everybody hates you.*)
The second best thing is the photos, which offer a perfect illustration of the top 3 Reasons Why I'm Meant to Marry Early-1970s Kris Kristofferson. Here we are:
1. He knows how to start the day out right - not just with a hearty breakfast, but the morning edition of the local paper. Oh, and beer! Beer for breakfast is hardcore; I probably couldn't handle it myself and would maybe just stick with my Earl Grey. "Pass me the funnies, Kris," I'd call across the table after my second cup, and then later we'd go shopping for cowboy boots.
2. He's fit! I like dudes who are fit; I need someone who can deal with my obsessive gym-going. Plus, it's cool how early-1970s Kris Kristofferson seems not to own any shirts. It takes a certain mega-chill kinda sexy to pull that off right.
3. He's got vices! NOGOODFORME's got vices! You know what that means? Kris Kristofferson: He's just like NOGOODFORME.COM!
To round this out into a nice li'l top 10 list, let's tick off 7 more Reasons Why I'm Meant to Marry Early-1970s Kris Kristofferson:
4. Judging from the above photos, he seems to really dig Los Angeles. Which is convenient, because I really dig Los Angeles. In fact, having spent the last six days in delightful-yet-arctic Massachusetts, all I can think to say is: "I CAN HAZ SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA???"
5. When Johnny Cash wouldn't listen to his tapes, Kris Kristofferson landed a helicopter in the Cash family's backyard, "a beer in one hand and a tape in the other." THAT'S A GO-GETTER.
6. One time in 1978, he told Cameron Crowe in an interview: "Look at me! I can go from Donny & Marie to Sam Peckinpah to Radio City Music Hall in one week. I'm just a ramblin' guy...with rangy hips...'Course I can do it all!"
7. In 1972 he released a song called "Jesus Was a Capricorn," by which I'm sure he actually meant: "Liz Barker is a Capricorn and I Really Hope She'll Be My Date to the Premiere of Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore (Even Though She Isn't Born Yet)."
8. He so gets the I Love You, Man thing. "It was a decade of rolling laughter and love," says Kris's wife Lisa of his stint in The Highwaymen (with Willie Nelson, Waylon Jennings, and Johnny Cash). "John and Kris's last words to each other were 'I love you.' Same to Waylon. That's rare for men, and it was real." Awwww...
9. Speaking of Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, it's the greatest movie ever. Watch this weird trailer ("They won't have to hand [an Oscar] to Ellen Burstyn," voice-over man says, "OSCAR WILL RUN OVER AND HUG HER!") and then Netflix it inmediatamente:
10. Speaking of zodiac signs, Kris Kristofferson is a Cancer. I kind of can't get with that. So maybe it's OK that we were born 41 years apart.
*Actually, I kind of love Ethan Hawke sometimes. He's so goddamned good in Before Sunset, it makes my stomach hurt. Also, the Velveteen Rabbit bit at the end of the Rolling Stone article totally brought a tear to my eye and made me understand life just a teensy bit better. You're all right, Troy Dyer. I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Tags: Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore, armadillos, beer for breakfast, Ethan Hawke, I Love You Man, Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson, L.A. rules, rangy hips, Rolling Stone doesn't always suck, Stars: They're Just Like Us!, the burdens of being Capricorn, the funnies, vices
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