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Tuesday , December 14, 2010

The NOGOODFORME Guide to the Greatest Stoners of All Time

CAB CALLOWAY

As of today (4/20 '09! WORRRDDDD UP!), I am formally anointing Cab "The Reefer Man" Calloway The Patron Saint of Getting High. Bro was penning odes to the green back when William S. Burroughs was a wee babe toddling around in his diapies. Big Band Era stoners referred to themselves as "vipers," which is kind of sexy. Vipers loved "jive" (viper slang for weed) even more than they loved dolls, broads and be-bop: "Here Comes the Man With the Jive," "Viper Blues," "Jack, I'm Mellow," "Sweet Marijuana Brown," "Viper Mad," "Tea Party," "The G Man Got the T Man," "The Stuff Is Here (and It's Mellow)," "All the Jive Is Gone," are a mere handful of the many pro-pot tunes that came out of the Jazz Age. "The Stuff Is Here (and It's Mellow)" sounds like it must be the best song of all time. Also, you know "La Cucaracha"? My grandmother used to sing it to me when I was a little kid; I wonder if she realized that "La cucaracha ya no puede caminar ... por que no tiene marihuana por fumar," directly translates as "The cockroach can no longer walk because he doesn't have any marijuana to smoke." Probably. My grandmother is really cool.

THE REEFER MAN IN SERIOUS ACTION:

PS: NO SHIT THIS DUDE WAS STONED ALL THE TIME (LJ)

ANNA FARIS IN SMILEY FACE

I already practically wrote a goddamn book about how Anna Faris's performance in Smiley Face is the most potentially life-changing cultural event of the 21st century thus far. So yeah, go read that. Then read the New York profile in which Anna speaks of a "fantasy project" she wants to produce in response to Sex & The City: "[W]e've seen so many ambitious women in the last ten years of comedy, and their comedy comes from trying to balance guys and jobs and fashion," she says. "I want to play the girl that has zero ambition, the girl who's stoned, playing video games, wearing the same things for weeks in a row. I want to see what she's up to: the girl who just says 'Fuck it.'" Then, if you happen to know Anna Faris for some reason, please text her and tell her that there's some girls at a website called nogoodforme.com that really, really, really want to write the screenplay for her fantasy project. Seriously. Please?

P.S. In 1:00 to 4:36 of this vid you'll find my 5th or 6th favorite bit from Smiley Face. Why do I always forget to incorporate "This is fucked, man - with a CAPITAL!" into daily conversation? (Liz)

BRIAN WILSON

Practically speaking, Brian Wilson's affinity for dope smoke isn't something you wanna bring up while endorsing the healing properties of marijuana; if anything, Brian Wilson's affinity for dope smoke would make even the most hardened stoner briefly consider cutting back. But perhaps we just need to reframe this sitch: Yes, Brian Wilson is a paranoid schizophrenic with agoraphobic tendencies. Yes, Brian Wilson supplements his agoraphobically-slanted paranoid schizophrenia with smoking copious amounts of weed. But what if, without smoking the copious amounts of weed, Brian Wilson would be even crazier?!? Let us ask not what Brian Wilson can do for weed, but what weed can do for Brian Wilson. A lot, hopefully. (LJ)

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CANDY BARR

Candy Barr's real name was Juanita Dale Slusher, which is the second-coolest name in the world, after Candy Barr. Wouldn't you feel amazing about yourself if you were a baudy Cancerian burlesque dancer from Texas who dated Jack Ruby, not to mention Mr. Television himself?!? I would. Tragically, it must have been quite the buzzkill when Candy was sentenced to FIFTEEN YEARS in jail for possession of some dank mary jane. Talk about marytrdom; homegirl's like the Joan of Arc of marijuana! (LJ)

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CHARLENE YI IN KNOCKED UP

I guess one of the saddest things about the world is how we have to slog through all of Knocked Up with wet-blanket Katherine Heigl as the female lead and only get a few tiny glimpses of Charlene Yi as Martin Starr's perpetually giggly pigtailed girlfriend. Her part's so itty-bitty, I can't find any YouTube clips and therefore give you this vid of Charlene's BF Michael Cera "getting fired" from the starring role in Knocked Up. BEST COUPLE EVER, and I hope they haven't broken up, mostly because I'd like to come off like I halfway know what I'm talking about. (Liz)

FRANCES MCDORMAND IN LAUREL CANYON

When I grow up, I want to morph into some bad-ass hybrid of Catherine Hardwicke, Mary-Louise Parker on Weeds, and Frances McDormand as Jane in Laurel Canyon. I covet Jane's life most of all, for the hair and the house and the ability to make sitting around the living room, listening to Steely Dan and getting stoned with a bunch of mostly hot almost-rock-stars count as a workday. I'm worlds away from owning a house in Laurel Canyon and my record-producing career hasn't quite taken off yet, but I sort of have the hair and I almost get the Steely Dan thing. Last night I listened to Can't Buy a Thrill in its entirety while doing my hair and sipping some cold pinot grigio in my 90-degree apartment, and it was perfection. Oh sweet Jane, how you have opened my eyes. (Liz)

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JAMES FRANCO IN PINEAPPLE EXPRESS + BRAD PITT IN TRUE ROMANCE

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These two go together because (a) Brad Pitt's Floyd in True Romance was supposedly the inspiration for James Franco's Saul Silver in Pineapple Express and (b) both perfectly exemplify the type of dude I'd most often date if I were 57 percent less uptight about life. I've already loved them both up a bunch, so let's just lie back and watch that darling little leapfrog-in-the-woods bit from Pineapple Express and dream of a world where every boy is so adorably devoted to his bubbeh. (Liz)

JOHN BENDER + CRISPIN GLOVER IN RIVER'S EDGE

And these two go together on account of the fact that they're maybe the most un-chill stoners in the history of the stonerverse. Bender's scary-aggro; Crispin Glover's Layne is more high-strung than a poodle on speed. Layne's lack of mellow kinda makes sense, considering he's in crisis for most of River's Edge, but why is Bender SO MEAN? Does he really have to be such an asshole when Molly Ringwald does that thing with the lipstick in her bra? If anything, he should scold her for giving Ally Sheedy that stupid prissy makeover and stamping out her proto-grunge hotness. Let's hope "Claire" never tried to make a similarly wrongheaded de-grunging attempt at Bender come prom time. But she probably did: Anyone Molly Ringwald ever plays is always such a giant drag. (Liz)

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JANICE FROM DR. TEETH & THE ELECTRIC MAYHEM

Last year I was Janice for Halloween; the costume was a smashing success and even more of a hit than the other Iconic Blonde costumes of my recent past (Nancy Sinatra, Christina Ricci's character in Buffalo 66, etc.). The funnest part was getting to do the Janice accent, which I'm rilly rilly good at and which will probably become my standard manner of speaking once I finally transition into a full-on beach rat. I have no idea what's going on in this clip, but it's so great to know that Janice can muster up a cheery little rendition of "With a Little Help from My Friends" even when she's about to be roasted on a spit by a tribe of pagan pigs. She's plucky, that one. (Liz)

JASON SEGEL ON FREAKS AND GEEKS

As Jason Segel gets famouser and famouser, sometimes it's so easy to forget all about Nick Andopolis and the arguably unjust conflict between his love for Lindsay Weir and his love for marijuana. This is one of my favorite Nick moments, and is it weird that I think "Lady L" is actually kind of a good song? (Liz)

JEFF SPICOLI

It took LJ and I awhile (like at least two minutes) to figure out who would write up Jeff Spicoli portion of this post, and somehow it was decided I was the man for the job. Which is kinda wacky, because before Laura first spoke of Spicoli as style icon, I'd nearly forgotten all about that dude. CUT TO LIZ BARKER TWO YEARS LATER: All I ever think about is Jeff Spicoli, and how I can lead a more Spicoli-esque lifestyle. Now I own a pair of Vans so outrageous, LAPD officers stop me on the street to tell me they're kick-ass (true story). And I went surfing last Saturday! And pretty soon I'm gonna start wearing a white turtleneck under my drug rug, except I probably won't. Jeff Spicoli & Laura Jane Faulds: Joining forces to help Liz Barker have a way more awesome life. You guys are the best. (Liz)

JENNIFER ANISTON AS OLIVIA IN FRIENDS WITH MONEY

I'm really offended by the lack of cool girl stoners in movies; God bless Nicole Holofcener for understanding how obviously obvsduh obvious-o-rama it is that poor directionless, lovable, Olivia would have a dependency on marijuana! If Friends with Money was directed by a dude, he just would have made her drink Mai Tais or something, which is stupid. Sometimes, you need to come home after a long day at your shitty job that you hate and smoke a joint in bed. Olivia understands this, and I understand Olivia. Also, Jennifer Aniston (who we all know gets baked in real life, too) nabbed a a High Times Stony Award for this performance, which is about 1,000,000x cooler than winning an Oscar. (LJ)

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LAURA JANE FAULDS OF NOGOODFORME.COM

Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com really likes smoking weed. Smoking weed really chills Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com out. Sometimes, Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com irrationally stresses out about something not worth stressing out about, and believes that the non-stressful stressful thing is truly the end of the world. Then, Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com gets stoned, and realizes the error of her ways. She really loves when that happens. Laura Jane Faulds likes taking bong hits, and she likes smoking joints. She also likes smoking out of pipes, though a little bit less than the other two. She likes smoking weed and listening to music and talking about the music. She likes smoking weed when she's drinking alcohol; she likes smoking weed when she's not drinking alcohol. She likes to smoke weed while drinking a Super Big Gulp of Diet Coke, eating Thai food, and watching LOST. If it weren't for smoking weed, Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com would suck a lot more than she presently does; that is to say, not at all. Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com officially endorses pot smoking in any context. Says Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com: Burn a fatty, not the flag. Last but not least: Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com bids you all one hell of a chill 4/20. (LJ)

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MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY AND OWEN WILSON AS COOL STONER BUDDIES

The best thing about US Weekly circa 2004 was the regularity with which they'd run paparazzi snaps of Matthew McConaughey and Owen Wilson totally bro-in' it up, joggin' along some beach in Malibu, cookin' up some burgers at an impromptu BBQ (Munchies much, Boys?), frolickin' in the ocean, obviously stoned-o as all get out. It made me want to run away to Los Angeles and join their crew. Sadly, the bromance went awry once they hooked up with Jake "Obviously a Square" Gyllenhaal and Lance Armstrong, who seriously must be the world's hugest killjoy. (LJ)

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PICKFORD FROM DAZED AND CONFUSED

If I could invent a human being for making-out purposes, he would look, dress, talk, and walk exactly like Pickford from Dazed and Confused - except he probably wouldn't, because the idea of making out with a perfect creature actually doesn't appeal to me much. So maybe we could just be in a band together and have some cool brotherly-sisterly thing sweetly rife with a "Will they or won't they?" sort of tension. Yeah, that sounds good. Because YouTube is stupid, there are very few Pickford-centric videos available for online viewing; I guess watching him hotly lean against the windshield in the most overrated Dazed and Confused scene ever is the best we're gonna get. Instead of clicking that link, just stare longingly at Pickford's photo and try to think up a name for our band, which will probably include lots of King Crimson covers. (Liz)

pickford.gif

ROBERT MITCHUM

So that's why his eyes were so squinty!

Robert Mitchum's 1949 bust for dope possession is easily the coolest celebrity arrest of all-time. The only hypothetical arrest that might outcool Robert Mitchum's getting nabbed for smokin' a doobie would be Cary Grant getting nabbed for smoking a doobie (since Steve McQueen getting nabbed for smokin' a doobie would be way too obvious). Pictured at left is Mitchum looking sexy and badass while serving his sixty-day jail sentence; at above right is a photograph of Mitchum's reaction to the news of his incarceration. Lester Bangs believed this pic to be one of the most significant seeds of pop cultural rebellion eventually paving way to the birth of punk rock; I can't say I disagree. Says Robert Mitchum: "The only difference between me and my fellow actors is that I've spent more time in jail." Hells yeah you have! For smokin' a doobie! (LJ)

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SNOOP DOGG

Because I'm the biggest nerd in the world, one of my favorite Snoop Dogg moments is his cameo on season 2 of Weeds; now all weed is MILF weed in my book. Also, we have the same favorite munchie food: Honey BBQ Fritos! "Bet you can't eat just one bag of these muthafuckas," predicts Snoop in the Weeds promo clip below. Actually, Cordozar Calvin Broadus, Jr., I can eat just one bag, but that's probably because I'm a girl and not a nine-foot-tall hip-hop icon. You win...you always do. (Liz)

THE BEATLES

The first time The Beatles smoked weed (THANK YOU, Bob Dylan!), Paul McCartney became convinced that he had uncovered the deepest meaning of spiritual existence. He didn't want to forget it, so he wrote it down on a piece of paper and handed it off to Neil Aspinall for safekeeping. When he awoke the next morning, he had indeed forgotten his revelation, so procured the slip of paper from Neil. It read, THERE ARE SEVEN LEVELS.

I think that anecdote is an unfuckwithable testament to why every citizen of Planet Earth should, right now (or possibly at 4:20 PM), take a moment to praise the sweet Lord above (and/or Bob Dylan) for turning The Beatles onto dope. There really are seven levels, and four of them are named John, Paul, George and Ringo. (LJ)

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VARIOUS PRESIDENTS OF THE UNITED STATES:

Out of forty-four American presidents, there is solid proof that at least eleven (twelve if you count Slick Willie; Dude- do you honestly expect us to believe that you didn't inhale!?) of them smoked weed! To massively overstate the case, a whopping 25% of Presidents of the United States of Americas were stoners! Abraham Lincoln loved nothing more than, and I quote, "sitting on [his] front porch smoking a pipe of sweet hemp, and playing [his] Hohner harmonica." According to Thomas Jefferson, "The greatest service which can be rendered any country is to add a useful plant to its culture; hemp is of first necessity to the wealth & protection of the country." Word up, Thomas Jefferson, you filthy rascal! JFK smoked weed to help with his "back pain"; Barack-and-Roll "inhaled frequently, that was the point"; I'm sure Yale-era G. Dub managed to fit some bong hits into his railing lines of coke/driving under the influence schedule.

God Bless America! (LJ)

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Posted by Liz in nogoodforme IX | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (8)

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8 Comments!!

best post ever? (well, maybe, that's hard to decide of course)

but thank you. thank you 1000x for the Friends with Money paragraph, can i get an amen! I haven't seen this movie yet but whoo-boy it's getting added to queue.

(longtime lurker first time commenter.i read you gals in my rss feed reader thingy mostly.)

i didn't even realize today was 4/20. for shame.

Holy Extensive!!!...I am in need of a big fattie tout suite...shite, I'm at work and have none..dope.

Eleana: if you like nogoodforme.com, you'll LOVE "Friends with Money".

right before i posted this link on twitter, snoop dogg sent out a tweet saying, in part, 'Happy 420 ma tiwzzles may all your smokn dreams come true!!' maybe *he* knows anna faris. the 'entourage' connection and all.

You're serious welcome from Jeff Spicoli and I, E-Bark.

Man I am hell of late commenting here, because I don't have the internet in my daily life anymore, but I love this post & I love you two. I wish I was still better internet friends with you like I used to be like 9 years ago. But since it's the internet, I kind of feel like I still am (ps. I'm glad we're facebook friends). I am SO GLAD that you are out in the internet being girl stoners writing about stoners...it is my dream come true.

LOVE YOU!
Love,
Liina

By Liina on May 10, 2009 3:30 AM

Thanks, Liina!!!!!!!!!! My feelings toward this comment are the non-mother equivalent of how stoked mothers get when you wish them a happy Mother's Day

Very nice piece! Not to say that Brian Wilson has not done enough for two lifetimes, but, he not touched illegal drugs (yes that includes pot) since the early 1980's. He's been what the kids used to call "straight-edge".

By Bill Wikstrom on September 19, 2009 9:34 AM



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