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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
Laura Jane Investigates: Was LBJ Really A Dog Torturer?
I have always had a soft spot for LBJ, because his initials are the same as mine, only with a "B" in the middle. Based on some preliminary research I conducted for this rock-solid slice of investigative journalism, It seems as though President Lyndon Baines Johnson was the only human being from all history as obsessed with his own initials as I, LJF of NGFM.C, am. But more about that later.
Based on nothing, it seems to me, LJF, an uneducated observer, that LBJ was the most boring U.S. President ever, except for maybe some other boring President from a long time ago, such as Benjamin Harrison. The only thing that anybody seems to remember about LBJ, except for that he was the Joe Biden to JFK's Barack Obama (side note: the name of my first solo record will be "LBJFK"), is that he liked to lift his beagles up onto their haunches by tugging on their ears.
Beagle ear tugging sounds cruel in my books, but I don't want to jump to any conclusions here. I'm not going to run amok thru the blogosphere, pinning names on LBJ that are not backed up by actual fact. So, it seems that the time has come for me to officially investigate: Was LBJ really a dog torturer?
EVIDENCE INDICATING THAT LBJ WAS, IN FACT, A DOG TORTURER:
1. LBJ was born on August 27th, 1908, making him a Virgo with a whole lotta Leo running through his veins. If there is one thing in the world I absolutely cannot wrap my head around, it is Leo/Virgo cusps. Honestly, I don't trust these people. I think it is possible that they could be dog torturers.
2. On the matter of beagle ear-tugging, Lyndon B. Johnson was quoted as saying, "It's good for them. It does them good to let them bark." That sounds mean. It sounds like he's trying to "toughen them up" or "treat 'em like men" or "prove what they're made of." If he had said, "It's good for them. They lick me after I do it. It really, really seems to make them happy," that would be another story. But unfortunately, this is not the case.
3. After his first round of beagles (called Him and Her, which is sweet) passed away, he got a new beagle and named it Little Beagle Johnson, so that every member of the First Family (Lyndon Baines Johnson, Lady Bird Johnson, Lynda Bird Johnson, Luci Baines Johnson) would have the initials LBJ. Damn! How megalomaniacal can a person be? This qualifies as crazy behavior in my books. It seems like the behavior of a dog torturer.
EVIDENCE INDICATING THAT LBJ WAS, IN FACT, NOT A DOG TORTURER:
1. According to this website, by far and away the Internet's most comprehensive source on LBJ beagle ear tugging, at the peak of media controversy surrounding LBJ's penchant for beagle ear tugging, "beagle experts came to Johnson's rescue, [saying] that it was indeed common practice in hunt country to tug the dogs' ears to be sure they are in good voice." Fair enough, Beagle Experts. But let's be frank here- bumming around the White House is very different from professional hunting.
2. Also according to that weird website I found, a Copenhagen-born pianist named Victor Borge once visited the White House and alleged that LBJ picked him up by the ears, and said: " You, sir, are truly a great Dane." If this is indeed true, LBJ was a crazy person. And if LBJ was a straight-up crazy man, you can't blame him for being a softcore dog torturer. Maybe it wasn't his fault. Maybe he was ill.
3. Whether ear tugging is humane or not, bro clearly loved him some beagles. In addition to Him, Her, and Little Beagle Johnson, LBJ was also the proud owner of "Edgar," a gift from J. Edgar Hoover. If you are a huge enough beagle fan to own four beagles, you must feel a certain amount of affection towards the breed. In short: if you love beagles, you probably don't want to torture them. Unless, that is, you are a crazy person, which I recently determined that LBJ may very well have been. Hmmm....
LAURA JANE'S FINAL VERDICT: LBJ was pretty much a dog torturer, but by accident, and maybe because he was a crazy person. I believe that LBJ's beagle ear tugging was carried out innocently, and that criminal intent was not present.
ABOVE: An image of Him and Her on the cover of LIFE magazine. All I ever wanted to do was post this one picture, but then I got sidetracked and wrote an entire joke expose on whether or not Lyndon Baines Johnson was a dog abuser. Oopsies!
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