Monday , November 16, 2009
Some Things I Hate, by Laura Jane: Vol. 2
Boy! Have I ever come a long way since my last Some Things I Hate post! Life sucked that day; I remember living it. I have never been in a shittier fucking mood in my entire life, literally (maybe). Five spectacular months and four glorious days later, my life doesn't suck at all! Actually, I can't even think of ONE aspect of my life that even remotely sucks. The world itself, however, sucks as much as it ever did. I am just so motherflippin' confident within myself that I don't care, but not in a "being in denial" way.
I care the exact perfect amount I should care that the world is often sucky, its inhabitants pesky, its logic flawed, its Normie population imbecilic, its regulatory measures absurd, its media crass, the lack of apostrophes in all the "it"s I just wrote striking me as being incorrect, even though I know they're not. I care the exact perfect amount about all this crap that I am motivated to write my long-awaited follow-up to the smashing success that was the first installment of...
+ First and foremost: ELISABETH HASSELBECK. What a fucking worthless fucking moron Elisabeth Hasselbeck is. She is stupid, prissy, boring, nasally-voiced, stupid, annoying, a bad mother (maybe), in no way likable, and stupid. Also, Idon't understand why people don't make a bigger deal out of how the only reason she is famous at all is because she was a fucking contestant on fucking Survivor! I remember her on Survivor. Her hair fell out and she complained a lot. She sucked then; she sucks now. I hate Elisabeth Hasselbeck.
+ There is a hip, expensive-looking salon near my house called Lily of the Valley. Naming your salon "Lily of the Valley" is pretty lame in itself, but it gets worse, bros- right now, outside their establishment is an advertisement for Brazilian bikini waxes reading "TAME THE CHIA PET," and then somebody drew a little picture of a Chia pet underneath. That is so gross and inappropriate. I mean, come the fuck on! Tame the Chia pet? Tame the Chia pet? TAME THE CHIA PET?!? Who would ever look at that ad and think "Oh! Yeah! Rad! That's so funny and cool! I'm going to go book myself an appointment to TAME MY CHIA PET." Pukey Pukerson.
+ It costs a whopping $2.75 to ride the subway or streetcar in Toronto. That's exorbitant, in my opinion.
+ How the fruit salad they sell at Starbucks is called "Rio Citrus Salad," even though it is quite obviously the same normal fruit salad you can buy anywhere in the world. There is absolutely nothing "Rio" about it, and the only citrus involved is a couple slices of shitty, poor-quality orange. This does not merit the word "citrus" being in the name of the product. Sorry, Starbucks. Lame.
+ The other day, there was a man on my subway picking individual niblets of corn off a corn on the cob and I felt like, shouldn't he realize how fucking weird that is and, like, not do it?
+ The way I feel about myself when I accidentally blow smoke into a child's face.
+ The way I feel about myself when I accidentally blow smoke into a baby's stroller.
+ When people get bitchy on a crowded subway and tell you to move but it is jam-packed as a sardine tin and you just don't have anywhere to move to and why can't they see that?
+ I can no longer patronize the Bloor Street Queen Video outpost because, a month or so ago, I rented Season Four of The Hills and kept it out for an extra two weeks-ish, so I have intensely steep late fines. There's a sort of hot dude who works at the Bloor Street Queen Video, and I really don't feel like hearing him say, "Uh, you owe $25 for The Hills Season Four," even though I don't normally care about this type of thing. Mostly I'm just cheap, and stupid, and don't want to pay my lame, expensive Hills late fee. Fuck you, Speidi, I blame y'all. And Brody Jenner. It's all Brody Jenner's fault. Everything.
+ I don't like my convenience store man. I get a weird vibe from him. I don't think he's a good person.
+ The way pigeons do that creepy thing where they puff their chests out, and coo.
+ A few months ago, I was walking down the street smoking a cigarette and I dropped my cigarette and it fell to the ground and so I picked it up and kept smoking it and thought, "Weird how I just dropped my cigarette for no reason; that's never happened to me before. I bet it will keep happening to me now!"- like how when you run into someone once that you haven't run into in a while, you start seeing them everywhere. Anyway, it did. All I ever do is drop my cigarette, and then pick it up off the dirty, germy ground and continue on smoking like the mucky piece of scrap I am.
+ When I drop a cigarette on the ground and pick it up and continue on smoking it and some blonde-highlighted Normie Chick in a business suit who is probably on her way to the stupid gym looks at me like I am a mucky piece of scrap, and I'm just like "Come the fuck on, Normie Ice Queen! Don't you realize how expensive cigarettes are these days!?!?!" But she does not. Or, if she does, she doesn't care, because she's too busy thinking about how Susan Boyle is an inspiration. Fuck that.
+ FUCK SUSAN BOYLE. The only thing more fucking tedious than talking about the fucking Swine Flu "Pandemic" is talking about Susan Boyle. Wow! Oh my God! She's unattractive and a good singer? That is just too wild. I always thought only good-looking people could sing! What a revelation. Fuck. I'd rather talk about Snoopy.
+ I don't hate Seth Rogen, but I definitely hate how Seth Rogen is famous and I'm not. It seems like it should be the opposite.
+ When you are getting on an elevator and some person is about fifty feet behind you and you don't feel like holding the door for them so instead you frantically press the "close door" button, but they catch up and get on the elevator and it's really obvious what you were doing and you feel like a terrible person.
+ When all the change falls out of my change purse and into the bottom of my bag (this happens a lot; I need a new wallet), and then I am trying to pay for something and realize what has happened and, inconveniently, end up performing a mega-sloppy lazzo as I try to find the correct change. It is made even worse when people in line behind me are sighing. It is inconvenient for them as well.
+ I hate when people whistle in public, like they are doing the world some huge favor by gracing us with their precious whistling talent. But when does whistling ever sound good? Fucking never. Am I supposed to stand up and start fucking applauding you because you are marginally better at pursing your lips and exhaling than I am? Do you feel as though you deserve a standing ovation? From me? Now? NO. Fuck. Compared to whistlers, Susan Boyle is the fucking Beatles.
+ I wish being sober felt like being drunk, and being drunk felt like being sober. If this were the case, I would probably drink a lot less.
+ I bought a new lighter today, but before today, I went through a really harsh two-week period where the only lighter I owned was shaped like a hot dog. I hated many aspects of Hot Dog Lighter Fortnight. Said hot dog ligher is really challenging to use and highly impeded by the presence of wind, so if I was lighting a cigarette on the street, I'd have to huddle myself into a corner, wearing some crazyola outfit and making a big fussbudgety fuss out of lighting my Benson & Hedges menthol light 100 with a hot dog, and all the Normie Moms & Dads would stop and point their fingers at me and tell their Normie Kids, "I will disown you if you ever grow up to be like her." Seriously- it happens all the time.
+ When you are in the middle of lighting a cigarette on the street and somebody asks you if you have a cigarette and it's so manipulative of them! You're like, "Well, yeah, obviously!" You can't just say no to that! This situation was made ten trillion times worse during Hot Dog Lighter Fortnight.
+ When I am scribbling something down in my notebook in a public place and the person sitting next to me is craning his or her neck and obviously reading what I am writing over my shoulder and I feel self-conscious because I am writing a sentence about how I hate when I am writing in public and some busybody is reading my shit over my shoulder (Editor's Note: this was happening to me as I wrote that sentence. I hated it.)
+ Why does the one dude at my local 7-11 always have to ask me if I want a taquito with my Fountain Big Gulp of Diet Coke? Like, I didn't want a taquito the last 500 million times you asked me if I wanted a taquito; what the fuck makes you think I want one now?
+ This isn't that funny or anything, but I really fucking hate cocaine. It's the grossest, stupidest drug, and it turns people into the most unbearably fucking annoying possible versions of themselves, and I wish I could eradicate it from the planet, along with pigeons, and my convenience store dude.
+ When I get a new text message, my cell phone plays "Louie, Louie" by the Kingsmen. If I am walking down the street, there is a 100% chance that I am listening to headphones, unless my iPod just ran out of juice (I hate when that happens!). This means that I can't hear my cell phone playing "Louie, Louie" to let me know that I've received a new text message, which means that, at least twice a day every day, I am walking down the street with "Louie, Louie" blaring all about my person. Actually, come to think of it, that's fucking awesome. I don't hate it at all!
Tags: alcoholism, corn on the cob, diet coke, FUCK SUSAN BOYLE, I hate cocaine, Laura, Laura Jane Faulds, lighters, smoking, smoking sucks, Snoopy, Some Things I Hate, Speidi, Starbuxxx Star-SUXXX, text messaging troubles
Share | 
| 
| 
|
|
Posted by Laura in Some Things I Hate |
Permalink |
Leave a comment |
Comments (8)
+ Contact Us
+ HOME
8 Comments!!
Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)
Got something to say? We'd love to hear it! Name, email and "type in the weirdo drunken text" thingie are all required to comment; don't worry, we won't email you or anything, we just want to make sure you're not an evil spambot. Keeping in mind the good-times mentality we like to keep going here, we've worked hard to keep NOGOODFORME.COM as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
"We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
Really? Isn't that what your whole site is about? I hate hypocrites! And liberals, oh sorry that is redundant.
By deb on April 30, 2009 1:49 PM
oh deb. ewww. really? try to be a little more clever. are you actually elisabeth hasselbeck?
By veronica on April 30, 2009 3:07 PM
Laura Jane, you're awesome. You can hate whatever you want, but don't let the haters hate on you!
By Kristen on April 30, 2009 4:27 PM
If Deb is Elisabeth Hasselbeck, my life is now complete.
By Laura
on April 30, 2009 8:22 PM
whoa, feisty comments today!
your posts always make me laugh, which is a great thing esp. at 5pm on a Thursday (at work.
I have to say a lot of these would be on my hate list - specifically elisabeth, puke. she's the devil.
By tahda on April 30, 2009 8:36 PM
you scare me but this was funny.
I am the person who eats one corn kernel at a time, but not on the subway, I do this in privacy of my own bedroom so i don't offend others..
By luxirare on April 30, 2009 8:38 PM
SO excited to see a second installment of Some Things I Hate! Ever since I read the first one I've found myself mentally compiling my own list - it can be sort of therapeutic in a way. However, I do not recommend turning said mental list into a complaining fest for some poor friend to endure, and then explain, "It's just Some Things I Hate, in the grand tradition of Laura Jane Faulds! Duh!" Said friend will not understand. (Actually, said friend should probably just be pointed in the direction of nogoodforme.com, and appreciate the favor they have been done.)
By Jill on April 30, 2009 10:15 PM
I just wanted to say that I got a Rio Citrus Salad yesterday, and there are also shitty grapefruit wedges in it.
By Laura
on May 1, 2009 11:56 AM