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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
A Day in the Life: Our Dream Celebrity Entourages
LIZ BARKER IS NOT, NOR WILL SHE EVER BE, SAMUEL BRODY JENNER
First and foremost, I'd like to distinguish myself from Brody Jenner - cuz people constantly confuse me with Brody Jenner - and note that my entourage is more of a brunch-and-beach kind of crew and not so into hitting up Hyde and/or Les Deux and/or any other club that I'm not sure actually exisits. Excepting the occasional trip to the discotheque, nightlife would be all about mellower ish like heading to Canter's late night for matzo ball soup, and playing Guitar Hero at Leonardo DiCaprio's house, and maybe checking out a Lakers game every now and then - which might be slightly tricky, given that one of us is probably a Knicks fan, another has pretty heavy security demands, and two are technically nonexistent. Oh well.
DUFF MCKAGAN: Once upon a time, Duff McKagan drank and drugged so much, his pancreas blew up. Which is awesome and disgusting, and definitely qualifies Duff as Entourage CPO (Chief Party Officer, duh). For "make-believe entourage" purposes, I'm gonna pretend that Duff has yet to get clean, and that we probably wouldn't spend all our time together geeking out on Stooges bootlegs or some other stupid shit like that. Also, I have such a great Duff McKagan story, but I'd feel really weird telling it without permish from the person to whom it actually happened. That's kind of the saddest thing in the world to me right now.
YOLANDE MARTINE GABRIELLE DE POLASTRON, DUCHESSE DE POLIGNAC (as portrayed by Rose Byrne in Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette): It's always good to have a pal who's the consummate girly-girl, who's aces at discreetly playing matchmaker when you spot some hot Swedish count at the bar/masked ball, who'll stay out boozing with you till dawn and then spend all the next day watching The Hills and eating rose-petal macarons in bed. Her voice might get a little annoying sometimes, but mostly whenever she sozzedly rambles on and on and on (as in 1:44 of this bit here), you'll probably just gaze adoringly at her and sigh, "Oh, Yolande Martine Gabrielle de Polastron, Duchesse de Polignac: You truly are the most darling BFF a girl could ever ask for."
BARACK OBAMA: As I was telling a friend coupla weeks back, it hardly ever occurs to me that I might never get to be buds with Barack Obama. I always unconsciously assume that we'll hang out at some point, like we did in that dream where I went out for sushi with him and Michelle, and the Barryster told me all about his caddish ex-boyfriend whom he'd never really gotten over (so sad!). I bet that's pretty much what it'd always be like to hang out with The Prez for real: Everyone else would be getting all crazy, and he'd wanna huddle up in some corner and talk about some mega-serious shit (ex-boyfriends, the crackdown on offshore tax havens) until you gently lured him back out onto the dancefloor with promises of Jager Bombs or whatever. But then once you got to the bar he'd totally buy, cuz dude's ALL CLASS.
DEBI MAZAR: Cuz we all need a tough-talking broad from Queens to keep us line. Plus, it'd be kinda great to hear her tell the duchess to shut the fuck up (repeatedly, at least five times per night) in that charmingly obnoxious voice of hers. And maybe sometimes she'd invite "Papa Don't Preach"-era Madonna to come with us, and I'd get to borrow her "Italians Do It Better" t-shirt. Yeah.
PATRICK SWAYZE CIRCA 1991: At first I felt real usey, 'cause I mostly picked 1991 Patrick Swayze for what he can give me (i.e. SURFING LESSONS, and maybe also an introduction to Point Break co-stars Keanu Reeves, Anthony Kiedis, and the dude who plays "Warchild"). But then I realized Bodhi-era Swayze would so perfectly fill the role of soulful confidante, and he'd make a great dance partner to boot. Oh, and: Who knew Brody Jenner's real first name is "Sam"? Weird! And if you crossed Bodhi with Brody Jenner, you'd get "Bodhi Jenner," which is totally my codename from now on. Use it.
WHEN IT COMES TO LAURA JANE'S TASTE IN CELEBRITIES: EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED
1. ZAC EFRON: In real life, the gaucherie of Tinseltown celebrity makes me want to ralph, unless it is 3 AM and I am drunk in a 7-11, in which case all I want to do is loiter and read Life & Style. However, if I ever do attain Zac Efron-style fame, I think I would (in the words of Michael Ian Black) GO FOR IT, and think, "When in Rome, Laura Jane Faulds, When in Rome." And by "Rome" I of course mean Hollywood, and by "Do as the Romans do" (which I never said, but it was implied) I mean "Date Zac Efron, because he's foxy, and it would make you famouser." Tragically, real-life Zac Efron is probably vapid, not to mention a raging Normie. But on the other hand- the better hand- Zac Efron is hot enough to be forgiven for all issues of personality suckage. Bro is the paradigm of teen idolatry, a serious gift to this world from the patron Saint of Saccharine Salacity (which exists, you know). At very least, there is no way Zac Efron's a bad kisser; also, according to his IMDB bio, he's a big Flight of the Conchords fan. Getting drunk and watching FotC with Zac Efron? SIGN ME UP.
2. JENNIFER ANISTON (NOT GWYNETH PALTROW):
Oddly enough, last night I dreamt that I met Jennifer Aniston on the meal car of a train. She looked like Friends Season One-era Jennifer Aniston. I let her know that I was due to write a nogoodforme post about how I wish she was my buddy. She was flattered. I told her I liked her performance in Friends With Money; she crinkled up her nose said she thought she'd done a terrible job, which really goes to show you how hard people are on themselves. I specified that I chose my homegirl Jen over Gwyneth Paltrow because, in theory, I would pick Gwynnie over Jen; in practice, howevs, Gwyn has a nasal speaking voice, an ego the size of Texaco (or so I have inferred from reading GOOP) which she is completely oblivious to, and writes sucky blog posts that suck. Jen is chill. My favourite thing about her, besides that she is unlucky in love (like me!) and loves smoking weed (like me!) is that she's always eating cheese and crackers in interviews, and talks about how she loves eating cheese and crackers. She also goes to Cabo a lot, which is smart.
3. MATT DAMON & BEN AFFLECK (TIE):
Despite the fact that both of their wives are Normie bitches, I will never stop loving Matt & Ben. I have loved Matt & Ben since I was twelve years old and had my "life changed" (to the greatest extent that a twelve-year-old's life can be changed) by Good Will Hunting. On Sunday, I was waiting for Thai takeout at my local Thai place, and they were playing The Talented Mr. Ripley on one of the two television sets that hang from the ceiling (side note: my local Thai place is weirdly sports bar-ish for being a Thai place), and I realized that Matt Damon as Tom Ripley is just about as hot as a dude can possibly get in this life. Matt & Ben are two chill bros who I would feel really comfortable being myself around. I'd like for the three of us to have weekly hang-out dates at an Irish pub-type location. We'd talk about our opinions on Dog Day Afternoon, and they would feel very warm towards me. If a nasty dude ever hit on me, Matt & Ben would say "Yo, Dude. Back off. Back off our Sweet Laura Jane," and I would feel so safe.
4. QUEEN LATIFAH:
I've known for a long time that I need Queen Latifah in my life. I discovered this back in 2004, when my old roommates and I went through an "obsessively hating on Sonic Youth" phase. We believed that, in order to realign their souls and rid them of their egotism issues, Thurston Moore should be forced to shadow Bono for a month, and Kim Gordon should be forced to shadow Queen Latifah for a month (while this all went down, Coco Hayley Gordon-Moore would be placed beneath the loving care of Jim O'Rourke). We also smoked a lot of bong hits, and ate White Castle every day. Our White Castle was attached to a Church's Chicken. We ate a lot of the biscuits you can get there. Dare I say YUM??? Anyway, Queen Latifah has obviously seen shit, but unlike Mary J. Blige, who's all uppity and condescending about it, the Queen is just wise, and understands life. Take me under your wing, Queen Latifah. Knock some sense into me.
5. SIENNA MILLER (NOT LAUREN CONRAD):
SISI!!!! I love Sisi! What is Sisi up to these days? I wish I knew. She seems to have dropped off the face of the planet, and her media presence has been replaced by that of stupid Agyness Deyn, who I envy for being two months ahead of me in our "race to grow our hair out." But, as per usual, I digress. For some reason, I sometimes like to convince myself that Lauren Conrad and I would totally love each other and have an amazing friendship, but I recognize that this is an irrational belief, and is all just me displacing my "wishing that Sienna Miller and I were best friends" shit onto Lauren Conrad for no reason. OMG, SISI + LJ!!!!! What a saucy pair we'd be. We'd get drunko, shop in each other's closets, and gab a blue streak (probably about clothes, dudes, and the perils of fame). It's tough to make Laura Jane Inner Circle, but Sienna Miller: if you want the slot that opened up last time I cut some vicious loser out of my life, it's all yours, babe.
Tags: Agyness Deyn, Barack Obama, Brody Jenner, Canter's Deli, cheese and crackers, Debi Mazar, Dog Day Afternoon, exploding pancreata, Going For It, Guns N Roses, Jennifer Aniston, Keanu Reeves, Laura, Lauren Conrad, Los Angeles Lakers, Madonna, Marie Antoinette, Mary J. Blige is uppity, Matt Damon, Matt Damon & Ben Affleck, Point Break, Queen Latifah, Sienna Miller, Thai food, Thurston Moore & Kim Gordon, Tom Ripley, weed, White Castle, Zac Efron
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