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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
HOW TO DRESS YOURSELF: A Guide to Astrological Perfumery
The only thing in this world I love more than getting drunk or talking about astrology is getting drunk and talking about astrology. My social network seems to have figured this out about me; lately, drunk-nights have been particularly awesome because everybody asks me to explain the zodiac to them, and I do! I hope my social network never finds out that, 90% of the time, I am making shit up as I go along.
A few weeks ago, I was out with the gang, and our astrology convo became enmeshed with a discussion we were having about our fragrances of choice, and the proverbial lightbulb clicked on atop my boozied, bevvied head. "I shall write a nogoodforme post about matching your perfume to your zodiac sign!" I hollered. Because the only thing in this world I love more than getting drunk and talking about astrology is getting drunk and talking about astrology and nogoodforme.com at the same time!!!! That shit is HEAVEN ON EARTH.
The general character of an Aries is defined by their having the emotional age of "zero through seven years old." This is why all Arieses (Arieses? Ariesians? Aryans? Iranians? Arugula?) act like frat boys. The world's Aries population: can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. Arieses are simple folk. They are visceral people, governed by instinct and a predisposition towards creepy rage. Best case scenario Ariesians are straight-shooters, the type who say what everybody else is thinking (for instance, "He's just not that into you"); alternately, worst case scenario Arieses are neanderthals. Ariesianians need not be bothered with topnotes and basenotes and bergamot extract and essence of heliotrope. All an Aries needs is "tomato." Arieses can process that. They know what a tomato is. They like a tomato. They could imagine themselves smelling like a tomato. Yes, thinks an Aries. Yes, Tomato. And that is enough.
PS: If there was a Demeter fragrance called "Steak," I probably would have picked that one instead.
Tauruses (Tauruses? Taureans? Torrential Rainstorms? Capybaras? Lexington Avenue?) are the salt of this motherfucking Earth. Making sure there's solid Taurus representation in Laura Jane Inner Circle is high-priority for me. Taureans see life exactly as it is, whereas I erratically misrepresent life based on a neverending slew of arbitrary guidelines, instances and weird inexplicable impulses. Taureans help me out with not getting too caught up in that. Thanks, Tauruses! Speaking of Tauruses, Bono is a Taurus, and today happens to be Bono's 49th birthday! Happy Birthday, Bono!
If all the different Zodiac signs were different kinds of fruit, you'd think that Tauruses would be apples, but you're wrong: Pisceans are apples, because Pisceans are perfect, a la apples. Tauruses would be figs, because, well, I dunno, fuck it- it's just obvious. Area equals length times width; A squared plus B squared equals C squared; The Beatles are the greatest band of all time; Tauruses are figs. Some things are just true. If you've ever smelled Fresh Fig Apricot perfume, it must be obvious to you that it is what all Capybaras, I mean Tauruses, should smell like. God, I love Universal Truths! They make my job as a writer so much easier. Fuck "explaining things." I've got more important things to do, like freak out about some new irrational opinion I've conjured up in my head proving for once and for all that I am destined for failure, and will never find love.
Geminis are the theme of my life. I have a gift for dealing with Geminis, a topic I will be more than happy to expound upon further once May 21st hits and I post Del Shannon's "Gemini" to Heavy Rotation. Geminis are stellar human beings, except for when their scary Gemini Other creeps in and takes hold of their soul. When this happens, Geminis turn into the worst fucking people you will ever meet. The most fucked part of all is that they remain infuriatingly oblivious to the fact that they have just morphed into an unbearable mutant ogre version of themselves, and are mean to you when you gently try to let them know. This phenomenon is called "The Gemini Mind-Meld." It is terrifying, and I hate it.
Stella McCartney Eau de Parfum seems like a good call for Geminis because they are plucky little blithemeisters, and despite Sephora.com's claim that Stella is "a fragrance based on the contrast between the freshness and softness of the rose, the dark sensuality of amber... a sophisticated scent focused on an intense sense of femininity," to me it just kinda smells like a frolicky June good time. And Geminis are all about that. Incidentally, Stella McCartney is a Virgo, which kind of sucks. Sir Paul McCartney, however, is a Gemini, so that must be why she understands what they want to smell like.
As celebrity Cancerians Kat Asharya and Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com can attest to, Cancers should ideally alternate between at least six or seven different fragrances. I always match my perfume to my outfit, and I match my outfit to my mood, and my mood is matched to the lunar cycle, whether I like it or not. However, if you are a Cancer and don't want to buy six or seven fragrances (though I can't imagine how this could possibly be the case, since I like to believe that all Cancers have the exact same preferences as I do; it makes me feel less crazy and alone), Chloe is probably your best bet. It smells like everything good about being a Cancer: freesia, lychees, and peony, apparently. I jest. It smells raucously girly, which matches the traditionally Cancerian character of being nurturing, but also insane. Cancers: the Deadbeat Dads of the Zodiac.
l could not relate to Leos less if I tried. Oddly enough, I recently found out that I am a Leo Rising, not a Libra Rising as I always believed myself to be. I guess I got confused over the years because the words sound vaguely similar, or maybe I just repressed it. It's tough to admit that I understand myself so little! Finding out that I have Leo blood was sort of like if I learned I was Quebecoise and not French from France; that is to say, alarming. I don't mean anything hugely negative about Leos; I just don't get them. They're crazy, but sane. Cancers, on the other hand, are sane, but crazy- you know how it is. Anyway, I fucking love a good Mick Jagger-style Leo (also, don't you think Mick Jagger's being a Leo proves for once and for all that astrology is true?)- who doesn't? Their sloppy, enthusiastic gaiety can be absolutely irresistible if you're in the right mood (the right mood= drunk).
I've always wished I liked the scent of YSL Opium. The idea of wearing YSL Opium is really sexy, like Bianca Jagger, speaking of Jaggers (incidentally, Bianca Jagger is a Taurus). But anytime I earnestly spray that shit on, I feel like I'm an obnoxious old rich lady wearing sequins and a hearing aid. But it seems like maybe Leos would be into that? Actually, I just went and conducted some very serious e-research on the matter, and discovered that 9 out of 10 obnoxious old rich ladies wearing sequins and a hearing aid are Leos, so, as per usual, I am dead on.
PS: The other 10% of obnoxious old rich ladies wearing sequins and a hearing aid are Arieses. Obviously.
I have some seriously deep-rooted Virgo issues, but I will do my best to keep my intense personal bias at bay in the name of accurate reporting. This is a difficult task. I keep wanting to say things like, "Basically, Virgos suck," but I know that some Virgos don't suck, kind of. Anyway, Virgos are the most preposterously self-involved people in the world; unless you are a giant masochist (BTW, a handy synonym for masochist is "Scorpio") and enjoy being constantly invalidated, ignored, and undermined, DO NOT LET VIRGOS INTO YOUR LIFE.
I am failing at objectivity. It's time to copy and paste: "The Virgo personality is a complex mix of intelligence, common sense, attention to detail, and commitment. This is a down-to-earth sign with a strong sense of responsibility, especially with regard to family and close friends." Chanel No. 5 is "the now and forever fragrance. The ultimate in femininity. The most powerful, concentrated and long-lasting form of fragrance; the fullest expression of the perfumer's art. The classic bottle signifies personal luxury and is an attractive addition to any dressing table."
Seems like a good match, right? Okay! Let's move on.
Oh, Libras. You're so cool and stupid and don't understand yourselves. You're John Lennon and Matthew Friedberger. All of you are such weird, sad, awesome dimwits. You're so adorably misguided! See, Libras always think that the thrust of being a Libra is that they are exceptionally balanced individuals. In reality, the core truth of Libradom is that it's the most imbalanced sign of the entire zodiac! HA! If only Libras could admit how out of wack their souls are, then Libras would be perfect. But that magical Libra idiocy is what makes Libras Libras, and that is why we love Libras (sort of), and that is why everything as it should be. Because the joke is on Libras.
Poor Libras. Their entire existence is a cosmic gag, so they deserve a really awesome fragrance choice. Well, Libras: Burberry Brit for Dudes. I am speaking to female Libras right now; I don't really care what dude Libras smell like. All dudes smell naturally hot; it's their thing. Chicks don't smell naturally hot. Chicks need help.The scent of Burberry Brit for Dudes on a chick is unexpected, and sexy. It's "unsexypected." Burberry Brit for Dudes smells like dandelions and gravel. Plus, it makes a metric fuck-ton of sense that an emotionally lopsided human being such as a Libra would wear a fragrance made for the gender they are not. Libras are walking oxymorons, but oh well: it's better to be an oxymoron than a moron!
As if I would ever bother trying to tell a Scorpio anything about anything! As anyone with a Scorpio parent has learned the hard way, there is just no pleasing a Scorpio. [A note to everybody reading this who has a Scorpio parent: you need to be in therapy, okay? Promise me you'll go to therapy. If you don't, your inadequacy issues will destroy you.] Even if I somehow managed to correctly guess the exact fragrance an actual Scorpio wears and swears by, they would figure out how to make it not be true. That's just their way. It makes them happy, I guess.
I would never marry a Sag (I'm too negative; they'd never understand me), but I hope I eventually get to be in a committed long-term relationship with one. Crazier signs are always drawn to Sagittarians, hoping to capitalize on some of their unstoppable good vibes. Somehow, Sagittarians missed the memo on how life is hard. These babies are the most pleasant, cheerful, buoyant bundles of spunk you will ever encounter. If the Sagittarian disposition could be encapsulated by a single catchphrase from pop cultural history, it would definitely be "Party On, Wayne!" (Virgos, on the other hand, would be "Yo Quiero Taco Bell?" because they're both ANNNOOOYYYYYINGGG)
Hypnotic Poison smells like a Cherry Icee mixed with a root beer float mixed with the plastic that My Little Ponies are made of mixed with a red permanent marker. It is one of the most undeniably deliciously across-the-board adored-by-all fragrances; I know this because I wear it sometimes, and people always like me better when I do, especially dudes, who already fucking want to kill themselves with love for me as it is (NOT!!!). Sagittarians and Hypnotic Poison are akin in that, if they were Presidents, they would both be Babe-raham Lincolm. Shwwiiiiinnnnggg!!!!!!!!
If it weren't for Capricorns, nothing would ever get done. Capricorns are the type of people who make that annoying gesture where you tap on your fictional wristwatch to indicate to your co-workers that they are being slowcoaches. To Capricorns, the world must seem like a gnarly, frustrating mess, populated by heathens who don't know shit about how to effectively manage their time. Because their rigidity and lack of emotion is foreign to us, many water signs hate Capricorns. I am not one of them. I am grateful for Capricorns: they are an asset to the world. Compared to a Capricorn's life, my life is a nonstop bender. Compared to a Capricorn, I am a burnt-out druggie freak. Compared to a Capricorn, I am an epileptic dog.
Personally, I wouldn't be caught dead wearing a fragrance as subtle, elegant and unintrusive as Prada. But there are also a lot of things I would do that Capricorns wouldn't do, namely everything (except sleeping, breathing, eating, and going to Starbucks. Cappies adore Starbucks. It's their spiritual homebase). A Capricorn could never understand the impulse to reek of juice and spices. All a Capricorn requires of a scent is that it smells good. Good for you, Capricorns. It must be nice to be sane.
There is no rhyme or reason to the Aquarian tendency. Except for a startling deficiency in the arena of "decision-making," Aquarians never have anything in common with other Aquarians. Yoko Ono is an Aquarius; Lauren Conrad is an Aquarius; Oprah Winfrey is an Aquarius; Ronald Reagan was an Aquarius; what gives? Who are these people?!?! They are flaky enigmas, defined by the astrological oddity of having the word "water" in their name, yet being air signs. Aquarians live in Pisces' shadow. They are the Stephanie Tanner of the Zodiac. Some of the dumber Aquarians you meet will argue that Aquarius is a water sign. These people are not worth arguing with. They are dumb, and if you don't learn to let it go, you will never, ever be happy, Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com.
I'm lucky to have a lot of awesome Aquarians in my life right now. One of them is my roommate, who I've been pals with since we were eight years old. She is by far and away one of the best flaky enigmas I've ever known! Anyway, my point is that she wears Ultraviolet, and it smells groovy. Besides, I don't want to indulge dumb Aquarians in their erroneous belief that they are water signs by picking Acqua di Gio or Pucci Acqua 330 or something by Acqua di Parma or whatever or aqua-whatever.
In this life, Pisceans are the cream of the crop, the pick of the litter, the icing on the cake, the cherry on the ice cream, the ice cream on the apple pie, the Would You Believe by Billy Nicholls on the Immediate Records, the carrot-tahini dressing on the Dojo soy burger dinner, the "Helter Skelter" on the Side C of The White Album, the nogoodforme.com on the blogosphere, the Fiery Furnaces on the shitty landscape of Pitchfork Media-style "indie rock," the absolute beyond-perfect pinnacle of Earthly existence. Catch my drift? To carry on with the "Wayne's World" analogies I was experimenting with earlier (I found this device pretty successful, personally), alls I gotta say to the Universe's Pisces population is: I'M NOT WORTHY!!!!
Unlike the rest of us meager mortals, Pisceans have no need for petty contrivances like "perfume" to make them feel like they don't smell gross. Pisceans are highly-evolved. They are beyond such frivolity. All Pisceans need is soap and water; I guess they can spray themselves with Evian spray if they want, but even that seems a little frothy for these sages. I often wonder how Pisces are able to tolerate the imbecilic rest of us, but then I remember that they are fucking swamis, and don't care. They forgive us for our doltish ways. They want to help us not be thick-witted goofs anymore. But will we ever change? I doubt it.
We're all too busy spraying our pulse points with mass-marketed chemicals packaged in candy-coloured bottles to truly apprehend their messages of enlightenment.
Tags: alcohol, aqua-whatever, Aquarians are flaky enigmas, Arieses like tomatoes, astrology, astrology is real, Cancers, Cancers: The Deadbeat Dads of the Zodiac, Capricorns love Starbucks, Cherry Icees, drunkedly explaining nogoodforme.com to strangers, Friedberger, hearing aids, John Lennon, Laura Jane's Virgo Issues, Lauren "LC" Conrad, Mick Jagger-style Leos, My Little Ponies, obnoxious old rich ladies, Oprah, perfume, Pisces are enlightened geniuses, Ronald Reagan, Sagittarian spunkiness, sanity, Scorpios, Scorpios make unfit parents, Sir Paul McCartney, Stella McCartney, Tauruses are figs, The Gemini Mind-Meld, the joke is on Libras, Wayne's World, Yo Quiero Taco Bell?, Yoko Ono
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18 Comments!!
Couldn't agree more about Virgos! There are always shiny and pretty up front, but a sour apple underneath. I mean, this is coming from a Gemini, so...perhaps don't believe me (AT YOUR PERIL! I mean...)
Anyhow, I totally own that Stella perfume. You are dead-on.
Thanks for the great post :)
By Marie on May 11, 2009 9:59 AM
I really want to talk zodiac with you, Laura Jane, because I don't know much about it, to be honest, and I have never really bought it. However, I am indulging myself this week, so let us talk zodiac, no?
I want to mostly talk about the fact that my mother is a Libra and my father was a Gemini, and I have unknowingly dated Libras and Geminis exclusively. How had I not realized this before?
By Jo on May 11, 2009 10:27 AM
I love this, being an astrologically-inclined Cancer. We do like to switch between a zillion different fragrances, all of which are ultimately synced with the phases of the moon. I do want to go on record as being pro-Virgo myself. Also, as a Cancerian, that Chloe perfume smells terrible on me, like over-chemicalized fabric softener. I am so sad because I love the bottle! As consolation, I am wearing Jo Malone's White Jasmine and Mint instead, and am saving up for a bottle of Frederic Malle's Carnal Flower. God, it's expensive being a Cancer.
By Kat
on May 11, 2009 11:45 AM
"I like to believe that all Cancers have the exact same preferences as I do; it makes me feel less crazy and alone"
EXACTLY--that is totally why I find myself reading descriptions of Cancers every few months! So comforting. I'm a fellow Magic Cusper (well, the 25th so some say "yay," some say "nay"); your description of us in the "Funeral Songs" post was dead-on.
By calli on May 11, 2009 11:49 AM
BTW, if there are any Scorpios feeling left out, I am trying a sample of Musc Ravageur right now that is totally intense and super-hot, which is how I think of Scorpios.
By Kat
on May 11, 2009 11:56 AM
Scorpios could also wear Fracas, and I think Hypnotic Poison might work for them as well.
By Laura
on May 11, 2009 1:55 PM
a couple things: first, LOVE ngfm.com and talking astrology when drunk! second, my sister is a cancer and she is as scrappy is the day is long, layers perfume, loves her thriftscores and smokes her some weed. lastly, i am sagittarius and wear fresh sake, if you havent smelled it you need to. it is devine!
By lauren on May 11, 2009 5:49 PM
gah, this is one of my favorite things ever! and i so understand the impulse to reek of juice and spices, so i think maybe, perfumewise, i might be a taurus instead of a capricorn? is this possible?
(isn't it weird when you've already left a comment in your mind and you forget that it didn't actually happen in real life??? yeah.)
By Liz
on May 12, 2009 10:24 AM
I was going to work your being an atypical Capricorn into my post. I was going to say something like "Liz Barker is a Capricorn with her moon in Jeff Spicoli," or something like that, but then I decided it weakened my Capricorn argument, and that maybe we don't have to be so cliquey and obsessed with each other all the time?
And then I just found out that your moon is in Denny Wilson, so I would have been wrong anyway.
By Laura
on May 12, 2009 11:10 AM
"Liz Barker is a Capricorn with her moon in Jeff Spicoli" is one of the best things anyone's ever said to me, probably. At first I thought you wrote: "Liz Barker is a Capricorn and her mom is Jeff Spicoli."
By Liz
on May 12, 2009 12:32 PM
As a Libra/Scorpio cusp (try not to be jealous, VIRGOS), I'd like to weigh in on the Scorpio fragrance discussion with my latest personal favorite, Vera Wang for Me... for chicks. Technically, it smells like "Green Mandarin Leaf, Yuzu, Nutmeg, Vintage Leather, Anise, Sandalwood, and Tobacco"... but the important thing is that is smells like someone you are lusting for, but cannot have because he or she (for whatever reason) is FORBIDDEN. Trust me. This is a Scorpio smell (with libra basenotes?) if ever there was one.
By crocodilian on May 17, 2009 9:54 AM
Damn, that sounds awesome! Good old Scorpios. You always know what to do. I really love shit that is supposed to smell like leather, like Tocca 007 candles. Maybe Scorpios should just rub Tocca 007 candlewax all over their bodies.
By Laura
on May 17, 2009 4:11 PM
I'd like to think I'm more complicated than a tomato.
By JP on May 19, 2009 1:46 AM
I believe you, JP.
By Laura
on May 19, 2009 12:25 PM
ahaha i'm glad you wrote this. i'll definitely indulge in some more drunk astrology talk with you in the future. maybe i should go out and buy your recommendation, i'm still looking! but i guess that's what liz wears?
well if we aquarians all have nothing in common with one another, it should smell different on me anyway :)
By kasia on June 1, 2009 1:30 PM
You picked the best scent for your sign, I think.
By Jackie on June 1, 2009 3:18 PM
I'm a perfume loving Pisces...is there something wrong with me?
By Samantha on April 19, 2010 9:36 PM
Sorry I suck so much. -virgo
By alex on June 20, 2010 1:49 PM