Sunday , June 13, 2010
nogoodforme ix: In Which We're Each Granted Three Wishes
ALL DOUCHEBAGS WOULD TURN BRIGHT YELLOW DEPENDING ON THEIR DEGREE OF DOUCHINESS
The problem with dealing with douchebags is that sometimes it takes so much time to figure out that they are indeed douchebags. Having them all turn a shade of bright neon yellow would not only announce their douchiness to the world and thus make it easy to spot and avoid them, but it would make the world just a bit more like being in an episode of "The Simpsons." Everyone wins! (Kat)
SOMEONE WOULD GIVE ME $12,000 SO I COULD MAKE MY THESIS SHORT IN THAILAND
This is self-explanatory. The economy is terrible, grants are drying up and I got a movie I have to make about sisterly bonds and exploitative relationships in Bangkok. If someone has a pile of money lying around, you can give it to me and I'll make you executive producer on my film, you can come to Thailand at the end of the year and laugh at me while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off "directing," and you'll get that ever-elusive yet oh-so-coveted IMDB credit. Plus you get to run around saying you're a producer AND it's tax-deductible. (Really, it is!) So what are you waiting for, mysterious and rich benefactor? You're awesome! Do it! Email me and let's get it started! (Kat)
The executive producer is probably the dude in the polo shirt going "You better be spending my money good!"
DEAD FAMOUS PEOPLE COULD COMMUNICATE FROM THE OTHER SIDE THROUGH SAFE AND APPROVED CHANNELS TO INFORM US OF VERY SPECIFIC THINGS
This is mostly so that when folks answer the "Who would you have at your ultimate dinner party?" question, the aforementioned dead famous people could pipe up and offer feedback. Like, Martin Luther King, Jr. could say, "Hell no, I ain't sitting next to Bono! That guy's a hoser!" Or Amelia Earhart could go, "I'm going back to the Bermuda Triangle, I'd rather work on my tan." Or Jackie Kennedy could sniff, "I would never go to your dinner party, not even if it were catered by Petrossian." The lesson here is that dead famous people aren't our mental playthings. Stop inviting them to imaginary dinner parties. (Kat)
DIET COKE WOULD PREVENT MACULAR DEGENERATION
Meaning: I wish everything bad were good for you. Not that I don't love stuff that's good for you; I was so one of those nerdy kids who was always like, "Ooh yum, raw cauliflower!" and today I remain a hardcore veggie-head. But along with loving kale and flaxseed and green tea and mega-protein tofu, I also majorly dig on Diet Coke and Hostess Cupcakes and Top Ramen and Honey BBQ Fritos and lots of other stuff that probably shouldn't be classified as actual food. Maybe I should just get over it and revel in the odd dichotomy of being both a wackjob health nut and total junk-food junkie, but instead I'm going to waste one of my pretend wishes on wishing Diet Coke prevented macular degeneration, McDonald's fries were cardioprotective, Cadbury Creme Eggs made you cancer-proof, and - most of all - Reese's Pieces turned into little eternal-youth-giving pellets of magic when poured into your movie popcorn and washed down with real Coke. Yeah. (Liz)
(L: TwinkieHenge, a mythical place I'd love to eat. R: What I wish I were having for lunch instead of salad.)
EVERYONE WOULD SPEAK IN DISNEY-RELATED NON SEQUITORS ALL THE TIME
One fun thing about my mom is how she often quotes really weird lines from Disney movies totally out of the blue. Like, she'll be all, "Take your foot out of my eye, clumsy ox!" (from Dumbo) or "If you think we're waxworks you ought to pay, you know!" (from Alice in Wonderland) and it's so funny and oh how we laugh! So I wish life were like that more often. You could even make it non-non-sequitor-y and have your quotes apply to the situation at hand (e.g., when someone asks what you're looking for in a nanny, you respond "Rosy cheeks, no warts. Plays games: all sorts!" a la Jane and Michael Banks in Mary Poppins). It should be noted that, out of all the things I'd ever wish for, this one probably wouldn't even make it into the top 100 - mostly I included it here 'cause it's more surprising than actual wishes like "I wish I lived on Lookout Mountain in 1972" or "I wish Kurt Cobain/Bobby Kennedy/John Lennon weren't dead." It should also be noted that, whilst searching for Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee images, I came across this little jpg of the worst Halloween costume I've ever seen in my life. So terrifying! (Liz)
(BTW, why does no one ever recognize that Dumbo is the SADDEST MOVIE EVER? Bambi's got nuthin' on that one, IMHO.)
WE'D ALL GET SOME QUALITY TIME WITH OUTER SPACE CREATURES
Despite being a perpetual optimist and pretty much always assuming everything will work out exactly the way I want it to, I'm about 99 percent certain that Earthlings and aliens are probably never going to party within my lifetime. THIS MAKES ME SO SAD! Which is maybe kind of kooky, considering that the idea of an extraterrestrial encounter really gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I still get eeked out at the memory of my big brother whistling that Close Encounters of the Third Kind alien song-thing to try to scare me when I was little. So maybe I don't actually want to hang out with the Martians; I just want to see pictures of them and learn their opinions on phones and radios and fans and clocks and other strange objects not featured in the Earth Book. That would be the most! (Liz)
(Above: Some dudes I'd like to get to know better, maybe.)
A DESERT ISLAND PARADISE TO CALL MY OWN
It came down to "A Desert Island Paradise to Call my Own," and "For John Lennon to not be Dead," but, as was dynamically illustrated in the Ashton Kutcher classic, The Butterfly Effect (2004), there is a legitimate metaphysical principle in effect called "The Butterfly Effect" that means: if you change one thing, it fucks up the Universe. I don't really want to fuck up the Universe. Besides, if John Lennon were alive, it wouldn't immediately benefit me, which means it is a waste of a wish. I'm not your fucking fairy godmother, Yoko Ono. I would way rather have a tropical island paradise complete with a treehouse compound ideally suited to my aesthetic sensibilities. I would be able to access it whenever I snapped my fingers, or twitched my nose, maybe. I would be allowed to bring my friends to my desert island with me, but only one per month, because I don't want losers on my desert island paradise. Once somebody came once, though, they could come forever, but only when I wanted them to. Also: no monkey butlers, please. Many secret passageways, though. And mangos. Lots and lots of mangos. (LJ)
INSTA- NOGOODFORME.COM WORLD DOMINATION
This is a smart one because, in true "insta-" fashion, it insta-renders 95% of anything else I'd wish for insta-irrelevant. Now what on earth would be the point of wishing for "A Personal Cupcake Chef" or "Being in a Rock-and-Roll Supergroup with Friedberger, Ray Davies and Sir Paul McCartney" or "No Longer Having to Deal with Massive Anxiety Centred Around my Paralyzing Fear of Failure," when I can just wish for ginormo nogoodforme-related fame, and subsequently score into all of the above? This wish is also cool because it bestows me with some serious "Wishing for World Peace" self-satisfaction- I would never stop being gratified by the knowledge that, thanks to yours truly, Kat Asharya and Liz Barker would be guaranteed awesome lives forever. And, you know, I kinda like those girls. I can't think of any other twosome I'd rather share Beatlemania-brand celebrity with! (LJ)
"THE ETERNAL $20 BILL"
This incredibly genius wish is courtesy of my high school best friend. She came up with it one rowdy winter eve at a tacky coffee shop we used to hang out at called the Parlour Cafe (you could smoke there, and the waffles were amazing). The Eternal Twenty Wish will be on my Three Wishes list until the day I die, or become wealthy to a point where twenty dollars becomes chump change.
This wish is a pragmatic alternative to wishing for a hundred hundred billion trillion thousand hundred million squadrillion dollars, which I bet would have some unforeseen life-ruiner of a side effect or twelve. The Eternal Twenty Wish is: every time you reach into your pocket (or wallet/change purse/fanny pack/whatever), you will find a double sawbuck with your name written all over it! I guess there'd be some sort of daily limit of how many times you could score into one of these free twenties, but it would be high; you'd rarely feel the need to surpass it. Besides, the whole point of this wish is that it doesn't change your life. You buy all the same things as you ever did, only now you always have a twenty dollar bill to pay for them with! Take that, minimum wage and ATM machines! (LJ)
Tags: Alice in Wonderland, anxiety, bad Halloween costumes, cupcakes, Diet Coke, Disney, Friedberger, Hostess Cupcakes, Laurel Canyon, Mary Poppins, my mom rules, pragmatic wishing, Ray Davies, Sir Paul McCartney, The Butterfly Effect, the Yip Yips, tropical island paradises, twenty dollars, weird dichotomies, Yoko Ono
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7 Comments!!
Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)
Got something to say? We'd love to hear it! Name, email and "type in the weirdo drunken text" thingie are all required to comment; don't worry, we won't email you or anything, we just want to make sure you're not an evil spambot. Keeping in mind the good-times mentality we like to keep going here, we've worked hard to keep NOGOODFORME.COM as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
LJ - you should go here & listen to the song titled 'john lennon', it proves you were right to wish for a desert island instead!
By sarah on May 13, 2009 3:57 PM
i'm wearing my lakers shirt today too! and i can't think of any other twosome I'd rather share beatlemania-brand celebrity with either!
i really like the idea of a teenage couple consulting a ouija board to see if they should go steady, btw.
By Liz
on May 13, 2009 4:55 PM
I really like this post because I took it so seriously compared to you guys! Now I know how it feels to not be me!!!
In other news, my Lakers t-shirt caused such a stir today! So many people shouted "Go Lakers!" at me. Laura Jane Faulds + Elizabeth Barker= Cosmic Laker Twins. Lakerettes.
By Laura
on May 13, 2009 6:30 PM
my answers are TOTALLY serious! seriously!
By Liz
on May 13, 2009 8:02 PM
i'm being serious, too. i really do want people to give me money to make a movie, for douchebags to turn yellow and to talk to dead famous people!! my life would be so complete! xo k.
By Kat
on May 13, 2009 8:50 PM
let us all share a ride on the fame train together! i'm also completely in favor of making major life decisions using a ouija board. it can't be any worse than the way i make them now! xo k.
By Kat
on May 13, 2009 8:55 PM
But douchebaggery is subjective! Some people think I'm a douchebag, probably. Would my face be yellow!?!?! I don't want my face to be yellow!
By Laura
on May 14, 2009 12:16 PM