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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
All-Time Top Five Reasons Why Rufus Humphrey Should Totally Off Himself
Whilst rewatching season one of Gossip Girl the other night, my 17-year-old sister pointed at Rufus Humphrey and proudly cried out "There's you, Liz!" Which is probably the most geniusly mean thing anyone's said to me in my life, but - to quote T.S. Eliot's "Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" - I AM NOT RUFUS HUMPHREY, NOR WAS MEANT TO BE. I too may be stuck in the grunge era, but I'm awesome at it, whereas Rufus Humphrey's a pathetic schlump who's never awesome at anything. Hence, I give you the top five reasons why Lonely Boy and Little J's "lame '90s dad" (TM Blair Waldorf) should seriously consider shuffling off this mortal coil at some point during GG S3.
1. HE'S THE EPITOME OF "AGGRO-WHINY." You know how there are some dudes who - upon not getting their way - take it on the chin, get their shit together, then boldly move on to life's next great adventure? Rufus Humphrey is not one of those dudes. In fact, Rufus Humphrey wholly embodies my least favorite dude-quality in all existence: aggro-whininess, a term I invented while sitting in the passenger's seat of my friend Lisa's Cabriolet on the way to a Cure concert in either late-August or early-September 2004. Aggro-whiny dudes are really into trying to make you feel bad for not indulging their every display of bitchery-masked-as-sensitivity; another one of their favorite pastimes is responding to sexual rejection by pouting a lot and trying to guilt-trip you. It is so unbecoming. It is so Rufus Humphrey. There's also a sound effect that goes along with it, but since I don't know how create an mp3 file, I'll just encourage you to try to imagine what "whining, but in an aggro kind of way" might sound like. Can you hear it?
2. HE SO FAVORS THE WRONG OFFSPRING. My fave GG eps are those that revolve around Jenny's budding fashion career - her internship at the atelier, the ill-fated J Humphrey Designs, the subplot with the psycho model who sets Jenny's clothes on fire. Little J's troublesome and annoying and kind of an asshole sometimes, but I dig her blonde ambition in a serious way. Dan, on the other hand, is a self-righteous and possibly talentless prat who grows less likable with each scene. I wholeheartedly blame his increasing suckiness on Rufus's constant ego-stroking and blind encouragement of his son's holier-than-thou tendencies (interrupted only by the occasional attempt at tossing his guerrilla-fashion-show-throwing, vastly more charismatic daughter into the back of a cop car). Dan started out a bit of a bruiser, not afraid to throw down when some evil rich boy fucked with his shit, but now he's dangerously verging on the aggro-whiny ways of his pop. Lonely Boy, a message to you: Once you start down that dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny. It's not too late to man up, young Humphrey.
3. HE'S PROBABLY LYING ABOUT EVERY EARLY-90s ALT-ROCK BAND HE CLAIMS TO KNOW. Clue #1: On the episode when he and Lily are post-coitally reminiscing about the time Ol' Lil got sexually harrassed by the drummer of Buffalo Tom, Rufus says their name all funny and puts the emphasis on the wrong word. (It's Buffalo TOM, not BUFFALO Tom. Christ, Rufus: Even Sharon Cherski knows that.) And for the record, I resent the implication that any member of Buffalo Tom is a sex offender. Clue #2: Tanya Donelly is awesome and possessed of impeccable taste, and hence would never take Rufus Humphrey on tour with her. I know this in my heart of hearts. Clue #3: I was gonna make a joke about how the only early-90s musician we've ever actually seen in the same room as Rufus Humphrey is Lisa Loeb, and what does that tell you about Rufus Humphrey's rock career? But then I started to feel bad about poking fun at Lisa Loeb, for some reason, so never mind. Also, for the love of Pete, has there ever been a lamer fictional-band name than Lincoln Hawk? Fictional-band names are always atrocious, but that one really takes the cake.
4. THAT FUCKING TURTLENECK SWEATER. You know which one I mean. He wears it to rendezvous with Lily at Grand Central Station, or wherever, midway through S2 and it's the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Worse even than the v-neck monstrosity he's got on in the pic above, if such a thing can somehow be possible.
5. BECAUSE GAWKER'S RUFUS-HATING GG RECAPS ARE THE SECOND-BEST THING ON THE INTERNET. Probably the saddest part about GG being over till the fall is we won't get any of Richard Lawson's recaps again for so very long. Here, my favorite anti-Rufus bit from Richard's write-up of the S2 finale: "Back at Humphington Manor, Rufus was watching old Lincoln Hawk concert bootlegs on YouTube and furtively touching himself when Lily showed up. She was carrying Haitian beer and a bag full of something. She said it was from Chuck's room, so I guess we were to assume it was marijuana. My roommate said it would be funnier if it was coke, because wouldn't it be fun and dirty if they just stayed up all night drinking warm beer and blowing lines and listening to Gin Blossoms really loud." Yes, it would be so fun and dirty. In fact, I really want someone to make that into a movie. Can someone please make that into a movie?
P.S. As punishment for writing this entry, I've had that "Everytime you walk away or run away, you take a piece of me with you" song in my head for the past hour. I shake my fist at you, Rufus!
Tags: Buffalo Tom, Gawker, Gossip Girl, grunge, humor, Leighton Meester, My So-Called Life, Rufus Humphrey, Tanya Donelly, Taylor Momsen, terrible sweaters, the aggro-whiny phenomenon, The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, Yoda
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