Monday , November 16, 2009
Laura Jane's Addiction: The Great Wolf Lodge, it seems
Note: Niagara "Laura Jane" Falls refers to how, for approx. one week when I was in second grade, some long-forgotten dipshit ruined my good vibes by trying to get the mean nickname "Niagara Faulds" to catch on, but it never did, because it is neither mean nor funny.
I have been aching to check out the Great Wolf Lodge for about six months now. The "GWL," located in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada, is the indoor water park of my, or anybody's, dreams. There is an ad for it in the eighty-billion mile long underground pathway between the Northbound and Eastbound trains in the Spadina subway station. It taunts you as you traipse, with its idyllic imagery of ugly seven-year-olds freaking out with stokeditude inside inner tubes and windy slides.
Two evenings ago, I had the pleasure of watching a television commercial for the Great Wolf Lodge. It worked on me. As of two evenings ago, my only goal in life is to visit the Great Wolf Lodge- STAT, ASAP, PDQ, or any of the above. Are you one of my best friends? Are you a dude who is secretly in love with me? Are you my Mother or Father? If you answered "yes" to any of the above, I highly recommend that, this July, you make all my dreams come true and whisk me away to the Great Wolf Lodge.
HERE IS WHAT WE WILL DO THERE:
1. DRINK STRAWBERRY DAIQUIRIS THE SIZE OF OUR HEADS: If there is one thing about gaudy resorts you can always bank on, it is that you will be able to get your dirty paws all over sugary slushy girl-drinks served in tropically-embellished neon plastic cups. Is there anything in this life more thrilling than the mixing of waterslides and extreme drunkenness?
2. RIDE THE "CANADA VORTEX": The Vortex is the twisty stripey slide. It looks terrifying, because I don't like being in enclosed spaces, but I'm sure if I'd just drunked thirteen Texas-sized mango-ritas, it would just seem relaxing or something.
3. CHILLAX IN THE "CRYSTAL RIVER": Remember how I said my optimal state of existence is walking around listening to headphones, and then I changed my mind and said that my optimal state of existence is having sex with George Harrison? I lied, twice. My optimal state of existence is "let[ting] the current sweep [me] along the endless, winding 500,000 litre lazy [Crystal] river." It's not really endless, is it? False advertising.
4. ENJOY THE LONG & WINDING "NIAGARA RAPIDS RUN": Do you ever think about how you would most ideally like to die? I do, constantly. I've decided that "drunken waterslide accident" is my personal preference; way better than "hanging myself and making a video of it and getting Emily Richmond to edit it and put it on Youtube and then making Liz Barker post it to nogoodforme," which is what I may be forced to do if I don't make it out to GWL this summer. Eek!
PS: Have you ever been to the Great Wolf Lodge?!? If yes, please tell me everything!
Tags: commiting suicide, Emily Richmond, Laura Jane's Addiction, Niagara Falls, strawberry daiquiris, water parks, waterslides
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Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)
Got something to say? We'd love to hear it! Name, email and "type in the weirdo drunken text" thingie are all required to comment; don't worry, we won't email you or anything, we just want to make sure you're not an evil spambot. Keeping in mind the good-times mentality we like to keep going here, we've worked hard to keep NOGOODFORME.COM as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
dude those water slides are epic
IM IN
By emily on July 2, 2009 7:51 PM
Dude...there is a Great Wolf Lodge indoor water park in Grand Mound, Washington, which is like every tiny, shitty tweeker town you can imagine. I used to drive by it every day when I worked nearby. I had no idea it was, like, a chain. WEIRD! You have to pay like $400 to stay in the hotel in order to use the water park, however.
By Liina on July 5, 2009 6:44 PM
Worth every penny, in my opinion!
By Laura
on July 5, 2009 9:05 PM
i will take you to great wolf lodge or whatever. wait til i get home.
By lfg on July 5, 2009 10:55 PM
This kid I babysit is going to the Great Wolf Lodge. When she said it I was almost like "Take this girl whose blog I read on the internet with you!", but I stopped myself.
By Iz on July 18, 2009 12:00 AM