Monday , November 16, 2009
LIZ & LJ ON: L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad
"HEART OF RETARDEDNESS*," BY LAURA JANE
It took me two torturous weeks to get through Lauren Conrad's L.A. Candy, approximately twenty-three hours and 45 minutes longer than it should have taken me to read a novel written at the reading level of a five-year-old with a learning disability. In the midst of my "reading" it, a friend of mine came over and noticed the jacketless book sitting on my coffee table. "CONRAD" is written down the side of the spine in bold, overconfident red. "Oh, cool!" he said, "You're reading Joseph Conrad?"
"Nope!" I said, " I'm reading Lauren Conrad."
Needless to say, Lauren Conrad is not the Joseph Conrad of 2009, though L.A. Candy does use the word "frisson" twice. I wonder how she learned the word "frisson"? I guess she thesaurus.commed "thrill," or maybe Brody Jenner told her it (I don't think Brody Jenner told her it). Beyond "frisson," however, L.A. Candy is the worst-written piece of crap shit trash shit filth puke boring lame annoying garbage I've ever read in my life. On page 173, Conrad writes, "Worry marred his smooth, Asian-American face." Worry marred his smooth, Asian-American face. That sentence is so horrific, it's almost brilliant. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS AN ASIAN-AMERICAN FACE.
L.A. Candy tells the tale of two ordinary girls named Jane ("The Dull Sweetheart") and Scarlett ("The Slutty Genius") who become co-stars on a Hills-style reality show called (you guessed it!) L.A. Candy. At first I was stoked because I thought that Jane was Lauren and Scarlett was Audrina, and I wanted some "Audrina's skanky exploits" gossip, but quickly gathered that Lauren Conrad is too stupid to write a character that is not "Lauren Conrad." It seems that Jane and Scarlett are meant to represent the two sides of Lauren Conrad; tragically, I think she is attempting to communicate to her audience that, in real life, she is "complex." This is true, if you use the word "complex" to denote "having more than one personality trait."
For me, the real highlight of L.A. Candy was imagining real-life Lauren Conrad writing it. How did this happen? What was her "creative process"? I bet she was all uppity about it- "Sorry, Brody Jenner. I totally can't come out to Les Deux/ a skeezy pool party/ fly to Cabo in your private jet. I have to stay home and work on my novel." What a fucking bitch. L.A. Candy is the worst shit I've ever read in my life. It is isn't even readable on the most basal level of "so trashy and dumb it's entertaining." Whatever energy you could harness into reading L.A. Candy can be more effectively focused on pitying Elizabeth Barker and Laura Jane Faulds for doing the dirty work for you. We are martyrs. Do not read this book.
The Hills is a legitimately compelling cultural phenomenon because a) it's a reality TV show, but the characters never acknowledge it, which is thought-provoking, and b) it's fascinating to observe the vapid, idiotic, worthless cast live their worthless lives idiotically and say vapid shit about worthless nothing. I've always been of the opinion that what saves The Hills from being entirely unbearable and depressing is the placement of LC at its forefront, since she seems moderately less retarded than Speidi, Audrina, Brody Jenner, et al. "Reading" L.A. Candy taught me that this is, in fact, not the case. Lauren Conrad is not smarter than Speidi, Audrina, Brody Jenner, et al. She's just more boring.
* I have refrained from saying "retarded" on nogoodforme.com for two years and two months, as it is understandably offensive. But, in this case, there is no other applicable word.
"IN WHICH LC FORGETS THAT SMELLY HIPSTERS MAKE HER WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE" BY LIZ
I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING LJ JUST SAID! Here are some other really fucking stupid things about L.A. Candy:
-It's like if, at age 9, after polishing off all the books in the Sweet Valley High series, I'd decided to write my own novel in which everyone talks exactly like Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. In L.A. Candy, boys say things like "Penny for your thoughts," and girls sweetly reply: "Sorry, Braden. It's gonna cost you a little more than a penny to hear my thoughts." BUT NO ONE EVER TALKS LIKE THAT. No 19-year-old girl drinking an apple martini at Lola's in 2009 has ever said "It's gonna cost you a little more than a penny to hear my thoughts," and none ever will. I guess that's a beautiful thing about life, and Lola's.
-It is so boring! No one ever does anything bad! Probably the most startling example of illicit behavior is when Madison ("The Bitch") slips Scar ("The Free-Thinking Feminist") a pain pill in the spa lobby right before Scar gets her bikini line lasered. Seriously. That is totally the most juicy part of the entire book. In the words of another Free-Thinking Feminist*: "Yawn! Like, SUPERFUCKINYAWN!"
(*Kathleen Hanna, on the Mike Watt record Ball-Hog or Tugboat?, FYI)
-This is maybe the worst string of sentences I've ever read in my life: "Wearing only a faded black tank and American Apparel boy briefs, Scarlett recalled the dozens of times guys had told her how hot she looked in this particular ensemble. But her appearance was not a quality she thought much about. In fact, her attractiveness sometimes got in the way of what she really wanted. It made other girls jealous of her and, consequently, they snubbed her (at best) or acted like sabotaging, PMS-plagued, psycho bitches from hell (at worst). It made guys unable to see past her super-long, wavy black hair, olive skin, and piercing green eyes to actually connect with her brain, which she worked hard to cultivate and was actually quite proud of."
-The ending is such a non-ending, I immediately flipped to the next page and mistakenly started reading the acknowledgments as if it were the next chapter. LJ calls it "The Best Surprise Ending Since The Usual Suspects." That is so smart of LJ. Someone should give her a book contract!
So yeah, that's all gross and horrible, but for me the worst thing about L.A. Candy is The Braden Problem. When LJ posted Teen Vogue's excerpt of the book on Facebook a while back, I got to the part about a noncommittal scamp named Braden and my heart went boom. "Braden is Brody Jenner! Braden is Brody Jenner!" I cried out silently, merrily clapping in a metaphoric kind of way. 'Cause a funny thing about me is I kind of love Brody Jenner, in all his magnificent douchebagginess. But: Braden is not Brody Jenner. Braden is this hideously milquetoast actor-dude who's "really not into that whole Hollywood thing" and has big dreams of becoming a star of the indie screen. He has a roommate who listens to cool bands like Death Cab for Cutie and MGMT. Like Scar, Braden is a free-thinker, except he's also a whiny loser whom I want to sock in the nose. If I were stuck at Cabo Cantina with Braden, I'd spend the entire time slyly turning to whoever was at the next table, rolling my eyes and making that jerking-off gesture with my right hand as my left hand maintained a death-grip on my margarita glass, and all the while Braden would obliviously keep babbling on about his stupid fucking indie-film career.
So, a message to Lauren Conrad: Please please please knock off this whole "fetishizing indieness" thing. Though we all believe "Electric Feel" to be a hot jam, I'm a thousand percent certain that hipsterism is not the right direction for you. Remember that time you said you'd rather kill yourself than make out with Justinbobby, because Justinbobby has bad hygiene? Yeah, "real" indie dudes are even grosser than Justinbobby. And remember that other time when you told Audrina about all the sacrifices you make for her, how you're always "awkwardly bobbing [your] head at the weird shows"? "Real" indie shows are even weirder than whatever emo-pop shit Audrina subjects you to. Instead of trying to find yourself a Braden, maybe stick with what you know and keep on hanging around Brody Jenner. I know he's taken, but you guys seem to have a cute kinda buddyship going on (like, that time you were on a friend date and you said, "Cheers, Big Ears!" as you raised your glasses in a toast? Adorable!). You could get Brodes to teach you to surf, and maybe set you up with one of his friends, ideally none of the "asshats" we've already seen him hang around with on the show. Like, who's this Nick character I keep hearing so much about on Brody's Twitter? He seems like a nice fellow! Yeah, go out with him. Do that. Just please don't write another fucking book. Please?
Tags: Brody Jenner, feminism, fetishizing indieness, free-thinkers, Joseph Conrad, Justin Bobby, Kathleen Hanna, L.A. Candy, Lauren Conrad, literary masterpieces, magnificent douchebagginess, retardedness, The Hills, The Usual Suspects
Share | 
| 
| 
|
|
Posted by Laura in Liz & LJ on |
Permalink |
Leave a comment |
Comments (9)
+ Contact Us
+ HOME
9 Comments!!
Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)
Got something to say? We'd love to hear it! Name, email and "type in the weirdo drunken text" thingie are all required to comment; don't worry, we won't email you or anything, we just want to make sure you're not an evil spambot. Keeping in mind the good-times mentality we like to keep going here, we've worked hard to keep NOGOODFORME.COM as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
I LOVE and am a HUGE fan of your blog! Hope you can take the time to check out my site!
We sell Vintage and Designer clothes, shoes, and accessories all in one place. We have some really great things up right now! Studded boots, Alexander Wang halter top, and vintage blazers. Check it out!
www.fashionlagniappe.blogspot.com
By Amy Nguyen on July 15, 2009 5:26 PM
Um, did you read Nicole Richie's book? I was on the library's waiting list for it for MONTHS. I'm not sure if that's more or less embarrassing than buying it. Anyway, it sucked and I didn't finish it.
By andreajean on July 15, 2009 5:29 PM
This post= Reason #23847239845732754239875 trillion why Elizabeth Barker is my favourite writer of all time.
By Laura
on July 15, 2009 7:16 PM
lj: thanks! i got carried away. but it was fun.
andreajean: i haven't read nicole richie's book! i'm scared.
By Liz
on July 15, 2009 8:13 PM
We will NEVER read Nicole Richie's book. We've been through enough as it is.
Signed,
LJC
By Laura
on July 15, 2009 9:01 PM
Thanks for taking a bullet for readers everywhere, dudes.
By Jo on July 15, 2009 10:07 PM
I wasted two hours of my life sitting in Chapters reading this book. I am literally still dazed-and disappointed in myself for doing so. I agree with everything you both said...especially the ''written at the reading level of a five-year-old with a learning disability.'' part. They should put that on the jacket.
By Erica on July 16, 2009 12:07 AM
whoa- you two just ripped LC a new one. nnnnoice! and i agree with Jo... thanks for willing to go where others definitely should not.
By dani on July 16, 2009 1:46 AM
Now I really have to read this book. I'm saying that with a straight look on my Asian-American face.
By Kat
on July 16, 2009 2:28 AM