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Tuesday , December 14, 2010

Some Things I Hate (& Love!), by Laura Jane: Vol. 3

You should never say anything negative without saying something positive to balance it out. This is the most neutral piece of writing you will ever read.

I HATE: "Grabby for change" store employees. I like to pay for everything in as close to exact change as possible. Sometimes picking three pennies out of my changepurse may take me a little bit longer than paying for a 73 cent apple with a $20 bill, but it saves these impatient jerks time in the long run. Stop holding your palm out in front of me and sighing exasperatedly!

I LOVE: Punishing such assholes by taking an extra-long time to procure correct change. If they roll their eyes, it's time to get the bottom of my tote bag involved. SUCKAS!!!

I HATE: How I am on the exact same "Going to Sam's convenience store at one-o-clock in the morning" schedule as this one swollen-faced alcoholic, who both terrifies and depresses me. He is extremely loyal to the yellow flavour of generic-brand Listerine. Sometimes, he starts swigging it in the store. Often, he starts swigging it before he has paid for it. Pleads the convenience store employee: "Wait!" But the man does not obey.

I LOVE: When people so kindly let you cut in front of them in line because you have 4 items and they have 1000.

I HATE: Any sentence beginning with the words, "Sorry to be a bitch, but..."- I highly doubt these people are sorry for real. If they were that sorry, they wouldn't be being a bitch, it seems, to me. They are being a bitch because they work at a shit job and hate their boring Beatlesless lives and are taking out their aggressions on poor you. This is all perfectly fine. I just think they should own it.

I LOVE: Those utterly perfect moments when I am walking down the street listening to the exact song I should be listening to while drinking a Big Gulp, and I see some Normie Bitch sitting on the side of one of those gravelly cement flowerpots that litter the beautiful streets of my fair city talking on her dumb bitch cell phone to her dumb bitch boyfriend, and I imagine myself throwing my Big Gulp at her head, and I laugh out loud, and then she glares at me with narrowed Normie Bitch eyes, and I reflect upon how happy I am to be Laura Jane Faulds, and not a Normie Bitch.

I HATE: That I have never followed through on actually, literally throwing a Big Gulp at one of these Normie Bitches' heads. Why am I such a goddamned weenie? Grow a pair, Laura Jane Faulds. DO IT!

I LOVE: The possibility that maybe, one day, if all goes according to plan, I will finally carry out my lifelong dream of throwing a Big Gulp at a Normie Bitch's head. Perhaps tequila is the answer. Furthermore, if I for some reason pussy out and can't bring myself to physically injure a stranger in the name of my own petty self-satisfaction, I'm sure at some point down the road one of my friends will take pity on me and let me throw a Big Gulp at his/her head in a 7-11 parking lot. We'll laugh hard, and each get new Facebook userpics out of the deal.

I HATE: I'm generally a person who is down for a little lewdness- just to break up the dirge of the days, you know how it is- but only if it is in an adorable way. Nastiness is simply nasty, and I hate it. In Some Things I Hate, Vol. 2, I mentioned that I live really close to a frou-frou, lame-looking spa named Lily of the Valley. Back in May, I hated how they had a sign out front advertising Brazilian bikini waxes that read "Tame the Chia Pet." May-era Laura did not know how lucky she was. Here is Lily of the Valley's way disgusting-er new sign:

Filthy, offensive, stupid, and unfunny. I hate it.

I LOVE: Elizabeth Barker's recent writing of the sentence, "If I were stuck at Cabo Cantina with Braden, I'd spend the entire time slyly turning to whoever was at the next table, rolling my eyes and making that jerking-off gesture with my right hand as my left hand maintained a death-grip on my margarita glass," has inspired me to make that jerking-off gesture a lot more in my life, especially at Cabo Cantina. "Lewd, but adorable!" say strangers. Love that.

I HATE: You know, it would be so nice if just one time, I could buy cigarettes or alcohol without being IDed. Furthermore, it would be really rad if, nine out of ten times I'm IDed, the person IDing me wouldn't say "Wow! You're 24? You look so young!" and then I wouldn't have to shrug and say, "Yep! I guess I'll appreciate it when I'm 40!" That's my stock answer. I am very bored of saying it. I don't want to have to say that anymore.

I LOVE: At least toddlers don't think I'm a dude anymore.

I HATE: How stupid gringo John Lennon mispronounces "Seine" in "The Ballad of John and Yoko." I hate every time anybody misuses or mispronounces French words at all, actuellement. I especially hate when Americans mispronounce "foyer." That is the worst one of all.

I LOVE: Every other single thing about the Beatles. When people pronounce French words correctly. The footage from the time the Beatles went to France in 1964, and all the gay boys loved Ringo.

I HATE: The frequency with which I deliver sentences along the lines of "I really need a denim jacket," or "Getting dressed would be so much easier if I had a white v-neck t-shirt," or "My wardrobe is decidedly lacking in 'cute little tops'," like as though acquiring one (or more!) of these garments would bestow upon me a newfound sense of oneness. Like as though I wouldn't just keep thinking the same thoughts, only about different types of clothing. Or records.

I LOVE: Yesterday, I went to Value Village with Non-Wicked Anabela of Fieldguided (PS: Best blogger-meets-blogger hang out evs! We also ate lunch at the Dufferin Mall food court. Well I did at least.) We were looking at dresses in different aisles, and then Anabela popped out of nowhere holding the turquoise-and-gold minidress of my wildest dreams! "Here's your dress!" she said. I cried tears of joy. I would post a photograph of it, but, like, it's going to be in another photograph. You'll see.

I HATE: When you are out to eat with somebody and they are telling you a story very long-windedly, and the whole time, they are holding a fork with a bite of food on it mid-air, and your OCD tendencies kick into high gear and your brain cannot stop picturing them eating the bite of food and you just want to jam that fucking fork into their fucking mouth or at least scream "CAN YOU EAT THAT FUCKING BITE OF FUCKING FOOD PLEASE?" or at least slap them in the fucking face.

I LOVE: Eating food.

I HATE: This terrible thing that has recently happened to the Universe called "Every menu in the world suddenly referring to Eggs Benedict as 'Eggs Benny.'" I have always hated "Eggs Benedict" as it is- both "eggs" and "Benedict" are ugly. But "Eggs Benny" is more than ugly. It is lame and stupid and annoying and fails at being cutesy and I'm stoked I'm vegan so that I'll never have to say either "Eggs Benedict" or "Eggs Benny" in my life, unless I am telling people about how dumb I think "Eggs Benny" is.

I LOVE: This magical, magical new development in my life called "some person invented a website called Twitter and now I suddenly have this perfect forum to share all the brilliant one-liners that pop into my head over the course of the day with the masses."

I HATE:I'm a really uncoordinated person. Always tripping and falling and knocking things over and getting bruised up. I hate how this doesn't change about me when I'm drunk, but strangers, or bar employees, probably attribute it to extreme drunkenness, when really I am just kind of drunk, and clumsy.

I LOVE: Maybe one day I'll fall over in such a way that I will score into a black eye! Black eyes are sexy on everybody. I would love to have a black eye. Then I could be Laura "Black Eye" Jane Faulds, and Elizabeth "Black Eyes" Barker and I could skip down the street, holding hands, black-eyedly.

I HATE: How every single dude in the world assumes that you are just dying to have him tell you "Spinal Tap" anecdotes.

I LOVE: This is in no way related to either dudes or "Spinal Tap," but it's so nice when the natural environment forms itself into natural heart-shapes, such as the flowers called bleeding hearts. And this bottle opener I have, which doesn't count. But it's nice, too.

I HATE: Negativity :(

I LOVE: Positivity! :)

Tags: adorable lewdness, apples, Big Gulps, black eyes, dudes, Dufferin Mall, Elizabeth Barker, Fieldguided, jerkfaces, Lily of the Valley is gross, negativity, neutrality, people, positivity, Spinal Tap, store employees, The Beatles, throwing Big Gulps at Normie Bitches heads, Twitter

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