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Tuesday , December 14, 2010

Let's Cut Off Heidi Montag's Head And Hope Samantha Fox's Head Grows Back In Its Place

Up until a few weeks ago, when a buddy and I were reading Cosmo in bed on a lazy Saturday afternoon, I'd forgotten all about the existence of Samantha Fox (late'-80s popstar/Playboy model/professional "wild dame"). I can't recall what in particular dredged up the memory, but it makes sense that Cosmo would be the catalyst: Both Cosmo and Samantha are total trash, both fancy themselves so subversive and edgy when really they're just playing into the most utterly conventional notion of sexxxiness. But Samantha Fox is better than Cosmo 'cause she's so unintentionally kooky, as evidenced by the video for "Naughty Girls (Need Love To)." The part (at 2:22) when she demands "NO MORE FUN AND GAMES WITH THE MIND!" in that weird British-accented robot voice? Totally wacky! That's so my favorite non sequitur of the moment; I want everyone to use it at least once today, especially if you're in the process of breaking up with some evil and emotionally manipulative dude. I also want everyone to start referring to me as the "Samantha Fox of Fashion Bloggers," which will really encourage me to pursue my newly established goal of being "dirty but in a daffy way" on nogoodforme.com. Cool?

Another thing I want is to cut off Heidi Montag's head and have Samantha Fox's head grow in its place. Wouldn't that be a real treat to watch, albeit a very gross treat, like Sponch cakes? Think on it a little: What if Heidi Montag were this blatantly slutty hellcat instead of her actual plastic wackjob good-girl boring self? What if Heidi Montag had ambitions beyond becoming some creepy Jesus sextoy? What if Heidi Montag strutted around in pink hair and high-waisted stone-washed jeans and a black leather jacket with a yin-yang on the back? What if Heidi Montag ever behaved like someone you could actually imagine enjoying sex? What if Heidi Montag demanded "NO MORE FUN AND GAMES WITH THE MIND!" in a weird British-accented robot voice, then murdered her gross dumb sociopath of a husband with her bare hands?

I want all of this to happen, as swiftly as possible. And maybe it could, as Samantha and Heidi are kindred spirits in at least one way: Upon being asked, in the mid-'90s, how she could reconcile her dirrrty past with her then-newfound Christianity, Samantha replied: "God gave me my body. I know it has made many people happy. There is no conflict there." Similarly, a few months back on Twitter, Heidi accompanied a link to her puzzlingly low-budget "Blackout" video with the eloquently communicated observation that "God does not say to be ashamed of your body that he made." Then she said stuff like "getting a mani peti thank you Jesus!" and "why wont my hair grow?! forgive me God for caring so much!", and that was amazing too.

Of course, none of us here wants Heidi Montag to be ashamed of her body that God made. But, dude, if you're gonna hump a rope in a bikini on some deserted beach, at least look like you're having a good time doing it. When I was a nerdy fifth-grader watching MTV with some sodapop and a paper plate of microwave French fries after school, Samantha Fox seemed almost unnervingly dirty, but I never doubted that she was having heaps and heaps of fun. But Heidi Montag never seems like she's having fun, except when she's Twittering about shooting guns or eating corncakes. Heidi Montag is becoming some creepy Jesus sextoy, and I want to stop it, if only to keep it from happening to other girls too. Help? Cut off Heidi Montag's head for me? Or at least let's get her into some kind of British-dialect-coaching course, STAT.

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4 Comments!!

GOD HOW IS OUR BLOG SO GOOD RIGHT NOW?!?!?!!?!

Happenstancically enough, this very morning, I was thinking about how I'm the James Joyce of Fashion Bloggers, and I was like "Is Elizabeth Barker the Emily Dickenson (sp?) of Fashion Bloggers?" But nope! She's the Samantha Fox!

IT IS SO GOOD!!!

emily dickinson is the samantha fox of 19th century poets.

I just really feel the need to share this fantastic youtube video with the world right now. I also want to kill Spencer.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tGnQ8xqcXX4

By Giselle on July 31, 2009 7:16 PM

What is so different about the two of them?



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