HEY YOU! NOGOODFORME.COM is now found at...NOGOODFORME.COM! You've stumbled upon our old mirror site instead. Please point your browsers to NOGOODFORME.COM instead and update your newsfeed to http://feeds.feedburner.com/nogoodforme/tYOS. Thanks and we shall see you at NOGOODFORME.COM!
Tuesday , December 14, 2010
nogoodforme Superlatives: Our Favorite Lame Starbucks Drinks
KAT IS...THE SIMPLICITY OF A COFFEE FRAPPUCINO
I will keep this very, very simple: my favorite lame Starbucks drink is the tall coffee frappucino. I try all the fancy lattes and everything with a fancy faux-Italian name, but I always go back to the plain ol' frappucino. It's like drinking coffee ice cream, the idea of which is just dandy to me. I don't like them premade in the little glass bottles, because to me the real pleasure is that shake-like texture that you get when they grind it down all fresh when you order. I like the autumnal variations of the frappucino (toffee nut and maple being two that I loved) but one of the few things I genuinely love about summer is the part of my brain that lights up and sings, "It's frappucino season! Doo da da doo!" because the frappucino is like the hot weather version of a coffee drink -- it's at its best when it's gross outside and you're inside all happy with your espresso-laced frozen drink. Oooh! I'm going to stop writing and get one RIGHT NOW 'cause it's hot, I already went for a run today and I live in a city where there is a Starbucks on nearly every corner. Life works sometimes. (Kat)
ICED SOY CARAMEL MACCHIATOS ARE BOGUS, LET'S ALL GO TO COLORADO
Ever have one of those luv relapse things, where you somehow end up swapping spit with some wickedly irresistible dude you long ago cast aside for the sake of preserving your then-precarious mental health? Yesterday I drank a Starbucks iced soy caramel macchiato for the first time in at least two years, and it was exactly like that - except way more emotionally scarring. Not really. But it was totally shitty nonetheless. And I promise I'll never do it again.
See, iced soy caramel macchiatos were the first Starbucks drink I ever drunked; the inaugural sip happened on Mt. Auburn Street in Watertown, Massachusetts, probably sometime in the fall of 2001. I sucked up that icey caramel-y espresso-y soymilk from the big green straw, and from that moment on I had to have iced soy caramel macchiatos all the damn time. That's SOOOO STUPID, and here's why: Iced soy caramel macchiatos are basically just a glass of soymilk drizzled with caramel that mostly ends up gobbing up around the edges of the cup; there's also a shot of really subpar espresso dunked in. The best part's those aforementioned caramel gobs, but in order to get at them you have to slurp like hell, and the straw makes that awful sound and you feel so obnoxious and ill-mannered. I slurped my head off yesterday and the caramel wasn't even that satisfying, and the espresso was 87 times more terrible than I remembered. I got a big headache, then prissily marched myself back home, took out a Sharpie and wrote "LAME!" on the cup to express my deep psychic upset. See that face to the left? That is not the face of a girl stoked on her first iced soy caramel macchiato since 2007. That is the face of profound existential turmoil.
Here are some places where the coffee is so much better than any bullshit coffee drink you'll ever buy at Starbucks: Dunkin Donuts, Groundwork, Abbot's Habit in Venice, Coffee Bean, MCDONALD'S, Auntie Em's Kitchen in Eagle Rock, the weird little cafe/home+garden store across the street from my parents' cottage in Maine, the bakery I worked at in high school that doesn't really exist anymore, the coffeehouse in the student union of my college, and the place on Bedford Ave. in Brooklyn that I went to the morning of Spirit Animal House but will probably never remember the name of. And the creme de la creme, if you will, is the soy latte at Dot's Diner in Boulder, Colorado. If you haven't sat at the counter at Dot's with a big steamy cup of soy latte, a plate of hot-saucy eggs and buttery toast, and a copy of Dorothy Allison's Cavedweller on a hotter-than-a-billy-goat-in-a-pepper-patch August morn, then, brother: you haven't lived. (Liz)
LAURA JANE IS... THE SOY ICED LONDON FOG LATTE PRESERVATION SOCIETY
Once upon a time, I used to "hate" "people" who "drank" "lame Starbucks drinks." Then, something monumental occurred: Starbucks debuted a drink called the "London Fog Latte." "Hoppity Skipperloo!" I thought, "London! England! That's so cool! It's like the Beatles, only Starbucks!"
I bought one, because I thought it would make a kicky anti-accessory, gorgeously-suited to the "Anglophilia" component of my aesthetic sensibilities. I found the drink itself merely okay, because I don't like Earl Grey tea, which is what it is, but I really liked how ordering one made me feel: "cool." Another awesome thing about London Fog lattes is that they have the same initials as me. London Jane Fog. If initial-sharing isn't a killer reason to have brand loyalty to a beverage you don't like the taste of, I don't know what is.
Then- tragedy struck! For some unthinkably retarded reason I will never understand, Starbucks changed the name of this drink to the comparatively boring "Earl Grey Tea Latte." "Bonersville, USA!" I thought. Then I started drinking iced soy Chai and/or Green Tea Lattes instead, which I like for real. They are the honest answer to this question. But like whatevs, you know? I'm just biding my time until the day Starbucks busts out the Strawberry Frappuccino Forever. That will be absolutely jackadory! Cheers! Ta! Cheerio! (LJ)
Share | | | |