The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles: IF PEOPLE WERE BEATLES SONGS ---> NOGOODFORME.COM

Monday , November 16, 2009

The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles: IF PEOPLE WERE BEATLES SONGS

ABOVE: Starring Laura "Can I Take You Out to the Pictures?" Jane Faulds as Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Kat "Vibrating Bottle of Blue Nun Wine" as Long, Long, Long, Elizabeth "I Don't Care" Barker as Ticket to Ride, and Emily "Take it Eeeeeeaasy" RIchmond as Everybody's Got Something to Hide (Except Me and My Monkey)

Figuring out which Beatle you'd be is a breeze. It's child's play, not to mention a walk in the park. It's practically an equation: loud-mouthed lunatics are Johns, cutesy egomaniacs are Pauls, pensive dweebs are Georges, and everybody else is a Ringo. A squared + B squared = Paul McCartney.

Figuring out your Spirit Animal is infinitely more satisfying than figuring out your Spirit Beatle- while there are only four Beatles to pick from, there are hundreds of thousands of millions of billions of animals! There are rarely Spirit Animal overlaps, unless you know a million people, which I don't. Once, Emily Richmond and I met a dude whose Spirit Animal was a black lamb surfing on lava! How many people in the world are black lambs surfing on lava? Only him, as far as I know. Having a Spirit Animal compounds your individuality, whereas having a Spirit Beatle indicates only that you are part of 25% of the population, which I bet you already knew.

But sadly, figuring out your Spirit Animal is so 2008. It's time to get over Spirit Animals, just like we all got over gladiator sandals and the Ultimate Fashion Challenge. "Figuring Out What Beatles Song You Would Be" is the "Figuring Out Your Spirit Animal" of 2009. It blends the self-reflective complexity of picking a Spirit Animal with the Beatles-relatedness of figuring out which Beatle you are! To quote Michael Showalter, Michael Ian Black, and David Wain: it's purrrrrrr-fect.

I. THE "IF PEOPLE WERE BEATLES SONGS" PRIMER, KIND OF

There is no one way to figure out what Beatles song you would be. Like Transcendental Meditation, it's hard. Like Primal Scream Therapy, it's worth it. Here are some tips, from Dr. Laura Jane, the expert:

1) Mostly, it comes down to vibeyness. Like human beings, no two Beatles songs have the exact same vibe. What's your vibe? Do you smile goofily a lot? Maybe you are "Honey Don't"! Are you kind of a loser? You could very well be "I'm a Loser"! Are you suicidally depressed? Perhaps you are "Yer Blues."

2) Don't tie yourself down to Beatles songs writ by your favourite Beatle, who is probably also the Beatle you would be, if you were a Beatle. This has nothing to do with anything. It's all ego.

3) Do tie yourself down to lyrical content. This is a pretty low-concept task. Mommies have more of a shot at being "Your Mother Should Know" than gutterpunks; people named Sadie are more likely to be "Sexy Sadie" than people not named Sadie. The same goes for all the Prudences, Julias, Ritas, Eleanors, and Rocky Raccoons of the world. "Colonel Mustard" from the board game "Clue" would definitely be "Mean Mr. Mustard."

4) If you are struggling, a great way to focus is by eliminating certain Beatles albums or incarnations. However, I don't recommend committing to one particular album early in the selection process. I never would've guessed that I'd be an Abbey Road song. However, I was quite confident I wouldn't be a 1964 song, and was right. This isn't rocket science, nor is it brain surgery. Unless s/he is "She's Leaving Home," a chartered accountant probably won't be a track from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.

5) If necessary, you are always welcome to ask Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com for guidance. She, I mean I, I mean "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," am, I mean is, the authority on the matter.

II. ON BEING "MAXWELL'S SILVER HAMMER," BY LAURA JANE

If "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" and I were co-starring in a rom-com, this is the part of the rom-com where I'd be saying, "Maxwell's Silver Hammer, you complete me," or maybe "I'm just a girl, standing in front of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," asking him to love me." No, actually. Not that one.

Figuring out that I'm "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" was the the final step in my journey towards self-actualization. At first, I made the amateur mistake of assuming that I would be a John song, since I'm "A John." I really wanted to be "Baby You're A Rich Man," but, like, I'm not Jay-Z, you know? Then "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" came on my psychic genius iPod shuffle, and I got it.

Being "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" takes so much pressure off of everything. It's freeing not to be a John song, or even a good Paul song. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is an Epic Fail. In the words of John Lennon, "[Paul] did everything to make it into a single, and it never was and it never could have been." Also according to John Lennon: "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" epitomizes Paul's tendency toward "granny-style" writing. Said George Harrison, of "Maxwell's Silver Hammer": "I mean, my God, 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' was so fruity." Even Ringo had some mean words to say about "Maxwell's Silver Hammer": "The worst session ever was 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer.' It was the worst track we ever had to record. It went on for fucking weeks. I thought it was mad."

AWESOME!!!!! I am so on Paul's side with this one. Good for you, Paul! Way to persevere! "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is my new favorite Beatles song. I love it as much as I love Laura "The Dude of My Dreams" Jane Faulds, that is to say, a metric fuck-ton. "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is adorable, silly, and infectious, but also, it's about brutally murdering people with a hammer! I may not have killed a man (yet!), but I am adorable, in the "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" way. Also, it rhymes "quizzical" with "pataphysical." What's more, "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" was performed by Steve Martin in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band the movie:

But the real reason why I'm "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" is because of the part where Paul giggles while singing "Writing 50 lines," (1:21) and then says "Sew-oh-oh-oh" four seconds later. If you want to know exactly what it feels like to be Laura Jane Faulds, there is your answer. It feels like the sound of Paul's giggle, and the second "sew-oh-oh-oh." Every moment of my life, is that. It's all just sew, oh-oh-oh!

And then I killed my teacher.

III. IF CERTAIN CELEBRITIES, AND MY EX-BOYFRIEND, WERE BEATLES SONGS

My ex-boyfriend: "Revolution 1"
Keith Moon: "Helter Skelter"
Don Draper: "I Want You (She's So Heavy)"
Joan Holloway: "She's a Woman"
Ray Davies: "A Day In The Life"
George W. Bush: "Martha My Dear"
Martha Stewart: "Martha My Dear"
Best Case Scenario Michael Showalter: "Hey Bulldog"
Beyonce: "Michelle"
Jay-Z: "Baby You're A Rich Man"
Lance Armstrong: "Blackbird"
Carrie Bradshaw: "Bungalow Bill"
Bungalow Bill: "Bungalow Bill"
Axl Rose: "The Sheik of Araby"
Yoko Ono: "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" (obviously)
Spencer Pratt & Heidi Montag: "The Ballad of John and Yoko" (NOT!!!!)
Brody Jenner: "Sexy Sadie"
Lauren Conrad: N/A
Thurston Moore & Kim Gordon (as a unified whole): "Revolution 9" (I mean that as an insult)
Ian Svenonius: "Baby's in Black"
Many a Hot Dude: "Blue Jay Way"
Robert Mitchum: "Dig a Pony"
Robert F. Kennedy: "Norwegian Wood"
Zac Efron: "Eight Days A Week"
Pastry Chefs: "Savoy Truffle"
Grandpas: "Old Brown Shoe"
Motivational Speakers: "Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da"
Fucking losers: "The Long and Winding Road"
A floppy-eared golden retriever: "Don't Pass Me By"
God: "Hey Jude"
Paul McCartney: "Honey Pie"

PS: What Beatles song would you be! Tell me! TELL ME EVERYTHING!

PPS: Also, can you think of other Beatles songs other celebrities would be? Stephen Malkmus, per chance? Courtney Love? Gwyneth Paltrow? Anybody?!? Tell me them!

PPSS: Who would be "Come Together"? I can't figure it out.

Tags: black lambs surfing on lava, Don Draper, Emily Richmond, George Harrison, If People Were Beatles Songs, John Lennon, Kat Asharya, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura loves the Beatles, Liz Barker, Maxwell's Silver Hammer, Paul McCartney, Primal Scream Therapy, Ringo Starr, spirit animals, Steve Martin, The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles, transcendental meditation

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26 Comments!!

This is kind of a given, but I figure I might as well state for the record:

Laura Jane= John
Liz= Paul
Kat= George

By Laura on July 29, 2009 3:46 PM

does it mean i'm not self-actualized if i don't understand why i'm 'ticket to ride'?

By Liz on July 29, 2009 4:49 PM

I feel like I need to go on a vision quest before I am able to discover what Beatles song I truly am. But I've decided that I'm "Blue Jay Way." I have to be a George song, because he's my favourite (most days) & because I spent a lot of time listening to Chant and Be Happy during my formative years. Also 1. I'm always late for everything and yet 2. I'm also super impatient and it would be so like me to complain about having to wait for other people. The guy wrote a whole song about it! Love it.

By Anabela on July 29, 2009 5:02 PM

Unfortunately, Liz, Yes, I think it might mean that. But I am confident that if you get a little bit stoned and listen to "Ticket to Ride" approx. 5 times, it will all become clear to you, and then you can say, "Ticket to Ride- you make me wanna be a better man."

Anabela- Yes! You are SO "Blue Jay Way" it HURTS. Which is especially awesome because this also means you're the hot dude of chicks, by proxy. Check YOU out!

By Laura on July 29, 2009 6:47 PM

hmmm...this is WAY harder than I thought it would be - in high school I for sure would have said "everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey" but now...I'm at a bit of a loss. Maybe I too need to go on a vision quest. thanks though, it gives me something fun to do with my Wednesday.

I'll report back when I know. But I love that Hey Jude is God's Beatles song. perfect.

PS: that SPLHCB movie is sooo awful EXCEPT that steve martin did that song. I love that! My parents had the album of the movie on vinyl which is completely befuddling. but of course this didn't stop me from taking it when I left for college ;)

By meg o on July 29, 2009 6:49 PM

Help - what Beatles song are the following people? I need to know!

James Dean
Barack Obama
Rasputin

Thanks in advance.

By crocodilian on July 29, 2009 8:03 PM

i second the obama request! also:

-jack white
-bob dylan
-blair waldorf

By Liz on July 29, 2009 8:07 PM

I am Eight Days A Week. Because there is NOT ENOUGH TIME to do everything that I MUST DO, but also I am quite relaxed and upbeat about that in a way because it's just an inevitable fact (like far-off death).

ALSO, it has an animated video, and animation is one of my Things.

PLUS, the Runaways covered it and I love the Runaways!

And too it's just a really good song! Maybe one of my favourites. Which I hadn't considered before, so thank you for this moment of multiple personal realisations.

(If the song has weird alternate meanings, like the Beatles sometimes do, then it still works because: so do I!)

Zac Efron is still creepy to me, though.

By Claire on July 29, 2009 9:18 PM

Barack Obama= "Come Together."

Wow, that all CAME TOGETHER so perfectly!*

*least funny Beatles joke I ever made

By Laura on July 29, 2009 9:54 PM

WHY is liz not dizzy miss lizzy?!?!

By laura louise on July 29, 2009 10:50 PM

I think I'm either You Never Give Me Your Money or And Your Bird Can sing. I can't decide!!!!!

By Steph on July 29, 2009 11:32 PM

Whoa! Way to read! I didn't notice that "Blue Jay Way" was already taken by many a hot dude! But I'm sticking to it because it has a trippy video in which a cat face is superimposed over George's face.

I am so into this post!

By Anabela on July 30, 2009 12:23 AM

I don't know nearly enough about the Beatles to make a definitive statement on this, but I'd probably be "When I'm Sixty-Four" because 1) it's about the kind of quiet, mostly uneventful life I lead, where weeding is complete drama and going for Sunday drives is the BEST; 2) I like the names Vera, Chuck and Dave; and 3) I grew up thinking the song was called "When I'm Six Feet Four" thanks to my dad who enjoys purposely customizing song lyrics to fit his own life.

God I'm so LAME. Please, someone tell me this song has some kind of seedy subtext!

By Samantha on July 30, 2009 12:46 PM

Samantha, I am quite sure that "When I'm Sixty/Six Feet Four" has absolutely no seedy subtext. I think Paul started writing it when he was sixteen. Great choice! I have recently decided that it is the only sincere love song Paul McCartney wrote, and maybe "Two Of Us."

By Laura on July 30, 2009 6:18 PM

Stephen Malkmus is "Tomorrow Never Knows"... right? speaking of SM, look for "Malkmus in a Cave," the new sitcom starring Stephen Malkmus, Neil Hamburger & J Mascis coming to NBC in Fall 2010...right Kat?

By rob on July 30, 2009 6:24 PM

Jack White- What's the new mary jane

Bob Dylan- While my guitar gently weeps

By Laura on July 30, 2009 6:26 PM

I feel like maybe "Tomorrow Never Knows" is too overtly psychedelic to be Malkie. Maybe "Love You To"? "Malkmus in a Cave" sounds like the jam of the century, or at least 2010

By Laura on July 30, 2009 6:31 PM

New opinion: Stephen Malkmus is "Sun King"

I wish I knew a person who was "Fixing a Hole", they would be so chill.

By Laura on July 30, 2009 7:39 PM

omg, *my* dad used to make the 'when i'm six feet four' joke too! the gag was that he's 6'3 1/2", so he just had that 1/2 inch to go.

By Liz on July 30, 2009 9:35 PM

laura louise: 'why am i not dizzy miss lizzy?' is actually a question i've been asking myself for at least two years now.

By Liz on July 30, 2009 9:37 PM

Liz: My dad's actually 6' 2", so I think your dad wins the rights to that modified lyric!

By Samantha on July 30, 2009 11:12 PM

Since reading this, I've listened to each Beatles song that came on shuffle and thought, "Am I you?" But then "Sexy Sadie" came on, and I recalled that names almost immediately associate one with that respective songs. Then it dawned on me that I don't really have any other choice than to be "Michelle"! Which kind of sucked, but then I realized that for roughly 2:40, I'd be French by associated, which rules. But I don't know, "Birthday" just came on, and I think if I was anywhere as fun as this song (minus the shitty background vocals) I'd be pretty well off.

By Michelle on July 31, 2009 9:20 PM

1. I am really glad that there is someone out there (who is my age and who is also not my dad) who loves The Beatles as much as me. Thanks Laura Jane.
2. My name is Julia so you may think that automatically makes my song 'Julia' (which I would have definitely told you it was circa 2008 or earlier) but it isn't! Julia is kind of a creepy song really seeing as ocean child is what Yoko's name translates too...although I definitely AM an ocean child myself...but I am pretty sure my song is 'Here Comes the Sun' or maybe a mashup of the two songs...Here Comes The Sun You Ocean Child You? Yes.
3. I wish my song was 'Something' because I love it so much but I am not egotistical enough to pick it...although maybe secretly I am?
4. Although I am a 'John' I have recently realized how important many of George's songs are to me (that I never even knew were George songs).
5. 'Because' just came on shuffle and I am now contemplating whether it is actually my song...

By julia on August 1, 2009 1:59 AM

this is too good. lauren conrad: N/A is hilarious. is courtney love "carry that weight"? i am def. "girl" - a john song all the way.

By kerrry on August 5, 2009 12:54 PM

A friend has me set up in his phone so it plays 'I Should Have Known Better' whenever I ring him. Nice, no?

By Julia Smith on August 5, 2009 1:05 PM

this took a while to figure out but i'm also "Ticket to Ride"! sooo gooood.

By dani on August 5, 2009 1:51 PM

Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)

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