The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles: The Compleat Beatles Astrological Analysis ---> NOGOODFORME.COM

Monday , November 16, 2009

The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles: The Compleat Beatles Astrological Analysis

I believe in astrology, but I don't only believe in astrology. Mostly, I believe in my belief system being "believe whatever you want," and if one of those beliefs is "believing in astrology," then I believe in that.

Another thing I believe is that, whether or not you believe astrology is real, astrology is real. It accounts for approximately one-twelfth of why any and/or everybody's life is the way it is. This belief applies even to the Beatles! I mean, really- the fact that the Beatles happened at all is so epically crazy-mazing that shouldn't it be proof enough that Zodio-Cosmic* action is active in the Universe?

Astrology is tons more than the shlock of schloppy Schlitz uptight, narrow-minded, short-sighted little hypocrites blindly believe it to be. I wish I could condemn half-assedly Wiccan NoCal soccer mommies and the horoscopes page of Cosmopolitan magazine to the deepest depths of Satan's harem for ruining astrology for the rest of us. The world is not just Twitter, public transit, and Big Gulps. It's also planets, moons, constellations, and eclipses. It's semi-naive to discredit the impact of cosmic flux upon our lives and liveliness. If everybody believed in astrology, we'd be way more attuned to the natural environment, and then maybe there wouldn't be an eco-crisis and/or a dumb economic recession that is presently fucking my, and everybody's, life/lives over.

Maybe that statement is one-twelfth true. But enough hemming and hawing; my moon's not in Whiny, it's in Abbey Road. Let's ASTRO-BEATLES it!!!!

*"Zodio-Cosmic= the astro-equivalent of "socio-economic."

I. HOW JOHN LENNON NARROWLY ESCAPED THE LIFE OF A MENTAL PATIENT

No duhsville, John Lennon's sun sign is "Libra." John (October 9th, 1940) is the posterchild for the Libran temperament. Librans are imbalanced, quick-witted, unsettingly charismatic, and plagued by self-doubt. Anytime anybody ever asks me to explain Libras, I just say "John Lennon was a Libra. 'Nuff said." Then, I yell "BOOYAH!" and do that thing frat boys do where you shake your hand really fast and it makes a snapping noise. Just lying! I would never say "Booyah."

Second most importantly, about John Winston Lennon's astrological profile: his moon is in Aquarius. Generally, a person's moon sign is representative of his or her Internal Experience. Your moon sign tells the story of how you process and understand your Sun Sign Self. It's your "Dark Side of the Moon," as it were.

Having an Aquarius moon is supposedly kind of awesome, because Aquarius is all about sensitivity and perception and self-reflection. But it seems to me that John Lennon's getting stuck with an Aquarius moon was kind of shit breaks for him. Aquarius and Libra are the two flakiest, flightiest, spaciest signs of the whole Zodiac. A Libra-Aquarius would undoubtedly be inclined towards the conceptual in a pretty cool way- as was our John- but would also be entirely disconnected from life's most basic principles of common sense. The only thing that saved one twelfth of John Lennon from ending up in the loony bin is that he was an Aries Rising.

If your sun sign is you-you, and your moon sign is The Inner You, your rising sign (or, "ascendant") is your outer-you: the you that everybody else sees. Aries would be a killer ascendant to have, because Aries is the most straight-up, pro-active, "get what you want outta life, and fast!" sign of the Zodiac. Being an Aries Rising implies that you function most effectively from the outside in. Which sheds much light upon how a mad, madcap, irrational space cadet from a shit town in Northern England became one of the most influential cultural figures of the 20th Century.

II. I AM PAUL AS PAUL AS ME AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER

It will be very easy for me to explain Paul McCartney's astrological profile to you, because Paul McCartney (June 18th, 1942) has- literally! Honestly! Truly! For real!- the EXACT SAME astrological profile as me, Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com. The fact that I am "A John" accounts for the eleven twelfths of "why things are the way they are" that don't relate to astrology.

First and foremost: Paul is a Cancemini, just like Ray Davies, Brian Wilson, Todd Rundgren, Kris Kristofferson, Steve Shelley of Sonic Youth, and me, Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com. This means that Paul is awesome, and kind of crazy, but mostly awesome, and a genius. Canceminis are rashly moody and feel alone with everybody, but are usually people-people. We are blessed with the ability to effectively deflect attention away from our boredom and melancholia by way of bouncy Gemini charisma. We write love songs about dogs and hairdressers. We are hot-shot melody boys who live on farms. We like to pretend we can surf. We are irresistible, but resent you for loving us. Sorry.

Paul McCartney was the most successful dude of the 20th Century, and I'll be the most successful dude of the 21st, because our moons are in Virgo. Virgo Suns suck, and are boring, but Virgo Moons win it all. Basically, a Virgo moon= "autopilot." It ensures that you can, and will, function above and beyond the call of duty in even the most calamitous of crises. The life of a Cancemini is often manic, and always unpredictable. Without the presence of a subconscious bookkeeper always sorting shit out on my, and Paul's, behalves, Cancemini chaos woud be entirely unmanageable. Just ask poor crazyface Ray Davies, whose moon is also in Cancer. Tough luck, Ray.

However, the real icing on the "Being Paul McCartney & Laura Jane Faulds" cake, which is a cupcake, is that we are both Leo Ascendants. This means that we are Showmen, Performers, for the World. Externally External. When I'm sixty-seven, I too will be capable of entertaining thousands of laymen at Citi Field, which, in 43 years time, will be named either "Twitter Field" or "nogoodforme.com Field."

Astrology may account for a mere 8.3% of Everything, but the 8.3% of me that I share with 8.3% of Paul McCartney is by far the best 8.3% of us both.

III. WHY I WANT TO SLEEP WITH GEORGE HARRISON, THE ASTRO-EDITION

George Harrison (February 26th, 1943) is a Pisces, and Pisces are The End. If "Pisces" was a Beatles song, it would be "The End." Pisceans represent the apex of human development; those bless-ed motherfuckers are born self-actualized. It makes perfect sense that the Beatles' Pisces contingent would be the only Beatle who ended up actually caring about meditation and yogic breathing and Hare Krishnaism and etc. If you're that highly-evolved to begin with, where else can you go but toward the heavens? My best friend is a Pisces, and she's a certified yoga instructor. One out of twelve of them are.

George's moon is in Scorpio, which tells us why he is a negative, ungrateful sourpuss who "hated" being in the Beatles. Scorpios hate everything. We have George Harrison's Scorpio moon to thank, or curse, for the bad attitude that drives "Taxman." Yes, Scorpios are jerks- but they are also foxy, and exude a raw sexuality, so we forgive them. I support my Pisces/Scorpio brother. It makes sense that a double-water sign would want to "alienate himself from the group." The inclination to alienate oneself from the group is a central water sign trait. I, personally, am a huge fan of alienating myself from the group. As I write these words, I am alienating myself from at least ten groups. It's worth it. None of them are water signs. They wouldn't understand.

Lastly, George Harrison is a Libra Rising, which rationalizes his otherwise nonsensical "I Love God"/"I Hate Life" dichotomy. Libra is the sign of balance/imbalance; therein lies the cosmic crux of why I love George Harrison as a person, but also hate George Harrison as a person. George's Libraness also accounts for why I want to have sex with him until I die, but would rather die than spend ten minutes alone in a room with him, unless they were a sexually charged ten minutes, in which case I would want more. Like I said, Scorpios are foxy. "Foxy" is the August equivalent of "sexy," which I said a lot this past July. Sexually, Scorpios are fucked up freaks, I hear. I'll betcha George was really talented at "tantric boning."

IV. RINGO STARR- THE MAGICKAL MYSTERY BEATLE

Ringo Starr is a July 7th-born Cancer, which is baloney. Ringo's Cancerdom proves only that the eleven non-cosmic twelfths of a person's existence count for way more than I've been presupposing. See, I've been convinced that Ringo Starr was an August 7th-born Leo since as long as I've been a person who would care to know about Ringo Starr's astrological positioning. So confident was I in Ringo's Leoness that, two weeks ago, I was watching The Beatles Anthology, which said he was born on July 7th, because he was, and I assumed it was a "typo." A typo in The Beatles Anthology?!? Heresy! It was only after double-checking out the sitch on Wikipedia that I came to terms with the error of my ways.

The only straightforwardly Cancerian trait I've noticed in Ringo is that some of the lamer, "less-evolved" Cancers get pretty into having houses and wives and kids and frontyards/backyards whatever, and Ringo liked that stuff. He brought a case of baked beans to Rishikesh. Lame Daddy Behavior.

But, but, but- Ringo's moon is in Leo! Which proves that my powers of perception are keen, as finely tuned as the gears of a sports car in a surf-rock song. Of a "cherry-red Jaguar XKE," if you will. It is validating to learn that my fanatic belief in Ringo Starr's leonine essence was not unfounded. It was "founded."

Ringo is a Pisces Rising, which means nothing to me, because Ringo Starr is not all that interesting to talk about, compared to the other three. Are you a rabid Ringo Starr fan? Well, then, I pass this information along to you; do what you will with it. Astrologically analyze Richard "Ringo Starr" Starkey, and make it mean something. Then, tell me it, and I will pick a winner out of the hundreds of thousands of responses I receive. The winner of "The Great Astro-Ringo Astro-Sweepstakes" will thereby be anointed "The Ringo Starr of nogoodforme.com" for all eternity. Nogoodforme.com is seriously lacking in "A Ringo." Good luck!

V. ASTRO-JOHN V. ASTRO-PAUL: WHO TAKES THE ASTRO-CAKE?!?

Q: Who won? John or Paul?

There's the real Question of the Century. I will do whatever it takes to reach a conclusion, and I'll do it in style, like Donovan. I'm presently vying for Paul, because we share a soul. Now that I know LJ & McCartney are "As One," I am tempted to throw all my longstanding pro-John "Ballad of John v. Paul" opinions out the bathroom window. My new take on the matter: Paul was perfect! He never did a single thing wrong! I can in no way comprehend how Paul McCartney's persnickity overconfidence would ever get on anybody's nerves! John Lennon and Paul McCartney's relationship soured because John was Paul's astrological inferior. Also, it is highly likely that John was jealous of Paul's boyish good looks, and couldn't cope, because he was as mad as a March hare.*

As previously noted, Paul's a Cancemini, but he's got a heavy Gem bent. Really, he's a Gemicancer, but that word is awkward compared to Cancemini, which rolls off the tongue like delicately whipped butter. Also noted previously, John Lennon was a Libra. This is non-surprising, since Gemini ("The Twins") and Libra ("The Scales") are astro-BFFs, the only two signs as freakishly bipolar as the other. Cosmic double-vision; Cosmic Xeroxification. My theory: One of Paul McCartney's Gemini twins loves one of John Lennon's Libra scales and hates the other, the same goes for his other Gemini, the same goes for either of John's scales. Do you follow me? There's a lot of love, and a lot of hate, and all that love and hate is dependent on an insane number of galaxical variables. John and Paul's relationship is intrinsically stressful, and too high-maintenance for anybody to handle, especially a crazy Cancemini and a crazier Libra. Even a rational, grounded Capricorn would crack under such frenzied zodiacal pressure!

The relationship between John and Paul's ascendants is equally elucidating: Aries-John is a ram; Leo-Paul is a lion. Rams and lions are the ruthless CEOs of the Animal Kingdom. Of course they would be prone to duking it out for the title of Big Man on Campus! The Beatles Zodiac Animal Kingdom University campus, I mean. That's where I went for my undergrad. It ruled.

In the end, I think John's Aries tenacity trumps Leo Paul's ditsiness. Ram-John would head-butt Lion-Paul off a cliff, and wound him with his horns. Lion-Paul would strut daintily across a fallen log with a meerkat and warthog in tow, like Simba in The Lion King.

*How impulsively Cancemini of me, ditching John like that. It must be the full moon on the rise. Today is Werewolf Day. I's be sharpening my fangs!

VI. IN ASTRO-CONC:

According to the cosmos: John Lennon was crazy and awesome, Paul McCartney is crazy-awesome, I want to have sex with George Harrison, and Ringo Starr isn't a genius.

See?!?!?! Astrology is real after all!

Tags: Are YOU the Ringo Starr of nogoodforme.com?, Astro-Beatles, astrology, astrology is real, Canceminis, foxiness, George Harrison, John Lennon, Laura Jane and Paul McCartney are cool togeths, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura loves the Beatles, Libras, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Satanicism, Scorpios, sex, The Great Astro-Ringo Astro-Sweepstakes, The Young Persons Guide to the Beatles, zodio-cosmicism

Posted by Laura in The Young Person's Guide to the Beatles | Permalink | Leave a comment | Comments (8)

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8 Comments!!

this is the other best thing i have ever read ever. in my life. forever.

btw, i think we need to do an entry where we completely analyze one another astrologically. maybe that would be only fascinating to ourselves, but THIS IS OUR BLOG WE DO WHAT WE WANT AND ANYONE WHO DON'T LIKE THAT CAN STEP OFF. BOOYAH!

By kat on August 5, 2009 5:24 PM

omg, i just arrived at this post and guess which song is playing at groundwork coffee? (answer: 'maxwell's silver hammer.')

i'm going to read this later when i'm not surrounded by people talking loudly in my face, but i had to share this fun little tidbit with you right away.

By Liz on August 5, 2009 5:52 PM

'maxwell's silver hammer' is now on again. they switched the record to repeat, so it's playing after 'polythene pam.' i disapprove.

By Liz on August 5, 2009 6:55 PM

i'm semi-sure that in the past week i wondered why you haven't done something like this. yay!

By calli on August 5, 2009 6:57 PM

Thank you so much, Kat! I am down for your idea. We need to instate a column named "The Young Person's Guide to Kat, Liz & Laura Jane," or something. Although I fear I've ruined a bit of the fun by using Paul McCartney mostly as a tool for astrologically analyzing myself.

By Laura on August 6, 2009 1:55 AM

my moon's in leo too, so maybe *i'm* the ringo starr of nogoodforme.com.

so stoked for nogoodforme.com field!

By Liz on August 7, 2009 4:41 PM

Sorry, but you got Paul Mccartney wrong:his moon sign is in Leo and his rising sign sign is in virgo. So you don't have the same horoscope after all!

By Lizzie on September 27, 2009 8:29 AM

oopsie daisies!!!!!!

By Laura on September 27, 2009 3:10 PM

Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)

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