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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
Laura Jane Investigates: What's a Girl Gotta do in this Town to Get Bobbie Round the World?!?
As Emily Richmond has recently learned the hard way:
In this life, a grand don't come for free.
I have recently learned this too, but not for any real reason. Mostly, I'm just kind of confused as to why strangers don't throw their money at me constantly, you know, for being awesome. Life's so weird! But I digress, babyishly. See, the thing about Emily's current predicament vis a vis mine is that, like, Emily's matters.
There are a lot of awesome things about being Laura Jane Faulds, but by far the awesome-est is that I am in possession of the most unfuckwithably stellar Inner Circle this planet, I mean galaxy, I mean Universe, has ever known. It would be both mean-spirited and impossible for me to rank my Inner Circle members from best-to-least best; they are all perfectly awesomely special in their own perfect, awesome, special ways. BUT- Emily Richmond's role in Laura Jane Inner Circle is highly-prized and highly-necessary for two reasons:
1) Like me, Emily Richmond is "A John" (As in, not a Paul, George or Ringo) Johns are the coolest! We Johns need to stick together!
2) Emily & I are BROS. For life. Being "bros" is so very different from being "friends," "pals," or "buds." It's better. Bros stick together.
Though Emily Richmond is a John indeed, something she has in common with Ringo Starr is that she "gets by with a little help from [her] friends" (and don't we all?) In this case, the friend/bro in question is ME! And so, it is definitely time, for ME- Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com- to take a break from walking down the street listening to headphones and truly, officially and authentically HELP A BROTHER OUT. Worry not, Emily Richmond! HELP IS ON THE WAY! And it is named Laura.
Emily, who is going to CIRCUMNAVIGATE THE PLANET SOLO, IN A BOAT has a paltry TWO WEEKS left to reach her Kickstarter goal of $8000. As of this exact second, $2371 of Emily's goal has been pledged, which means that she is presently $5629 in the hole. Let's rectify that! Alternate methodologies for obtaining financial compensation are in serious order...
1. GIVE HOT BABES FREE MONEY: $1-$5629
Isn't that enough for you? I mean, really- whose dreams aren't we the girls of?!?!?
It's like prostitution, only without the shame!
2. SEND YOUR CARDBOARD SPIRIT ANIMAL ROUND THE WORLD: $25/$50/$75
Meet Fuckscrap. Fuckscrap is my best friend in the world. He's into noisecore, travelling, supporting me in all my endeavors, and fantasizing about self-mutilation. Fuckscrap and I have been best friends for five years. The sexual tension between us is occasionally unbearable, but we've learned to live with it. Last January, Fuckscrap came to Los Angeles with me. He LOVED living in Emily Richmond's houseboat. He was on Cloud Nine. Fuckscrap's dream is to live in a boat with Emily Richmond and see the world, which is why he is accompanying Emily on her journey.
Do you have a Fuckscrap, or a Fuckscrap equivalent? A stuffed puppydog with a glass eye that has been MIA since 1982? A Precious Moments figurine of a dead baby angel sitting on a rainbow, brimmin' just brimmin' with the Lord's love? A picture of Laura Jane Faulds that you printed off the Internet and talk to as if it were Real Me? (I hope not) Either way, for a meager $25, you can send your Fake Best Pal around the world with Emily and FUCKSCRAP! They'll love it. If you throw in an extra $25, Emily will send you weekly updates of how your Animal Friend is doing. For another $25 on top of that, I'll make sure Fuckscrap puts the moves on 'em.
3. THROW A BIG GULP AT LAURA JANE'S HEAD, TRINIDAD-STYLE: $71/$711
Do you realize that July of 2011 will be "The 7-11 Of Months"? That is so cool! I love 7-11. It's my favourite place in the world. Every day of my life, 7-11 provides me with everything I could ever need: Big Gulps, cigarettes, cherry crullers, paper towels, and water. I will be so very happy in July of 2011. It will be "Laura Jane's 7-11 Worship Month."
Emily Richmond will be spending "LJ's 7-11 Worship Month" in Trinidad. For a mere $71, Emily Richmond will send you an empty Big Gulp cup full of Trinidadian goodies (a mini steel drum; ginger beer; macaroni pie (Seriously! It's a delicacy there!); Francophones; etc) For $711 plus the price of a plane ticket to Toronto, you can come live at my apartment for a day, and Emily Richmond will make a video of you throwing a Big Gulp at my head. We'll put it on Youtube, and it'll go viral. Instant fame! Oh yeah and you can also get the Trinidad Goodie Cup too.
4. THE EASTER ISLAND ACID-DIAL: $150
Easter Island is a crazy, terrifying, mystical place. If there is one place on Emily's route where she'll probably die, it might be Easter Island, especially since she's going to spend one wild night hanging out with those crazy statues and tripping on LSD. Have you ever heard of an "Acid Dial"? It's the acid equivalent of a "Drunk Dial." For $150, Emily Richmond will Acid Dial you from Easter Island. You may be the last person Emily Richmond ever talks to before being eaten alive by an Easter Island Voodoo Ghost!
For an extra ten bucks, we'll throw in an Acid Dial from Laura Jane Faulds, next time she takes acid.
5. TURN YOUR LOCAL THAI RESTAURANT INTO ACTUAL THAILAND: $200
AT LEFT: My shitty local Thai place; AT RIGHT: A palace in Thailand
I hate my shitty local Thai place. It looks nothing like actual Thailand. It looks like a sports bar. It's the most sports bar-esque Thai restaurant in the world, I bet. It's even called "Grill," like a "Bar & Grill," like a sports bar. I wish my shitty local Thai place that I hate looked more like actual Thailand. If you give Emily $200, Emily will buy you $200 worth of aesthetically pleasing Thai statues, tapestries, paintings, and what-have-yous, which you can then donate to your local Thai restaurant, and then maybe getting Thai take-out from the same shitty Thai place five-to-seven nights a week will be less insanely fucking uncomfortably lame. I'm definitely taking myself up on this offer.
6. BECOME LAURA JANE'S NEW MUSE: $400
This one really has nothing to do with Emily Richmond's circumnavigation, but I'm bored of all my old muses, and I want Emily Richmond to sail around the world, so if you take me up on this offer, I'll definitely donate all the proceeds to Emily Richmond's sailing round the world. The "Being Laura Jane's New Muse" package includes the following perks:
- You can be one of my Style Icons in the next round of our Style Icons series
- I will write a nogoodforme Magnum Opus about a fake double solo album you never wrote
- Ray Davies will suck compared to you, to me
- I'll design a new "Twitter Gimmick" based around my love for you
- I'll hook you up with Barker
7. DAR-WIN IN DARWIN: $500
"Darwinning" is a new slang term I just made up. "To Darwin" means "to evolve, grow as a human being, and/or make significant headway on your journey towards self-actualization." An example of "Darwin" in a sentence: "While circumnavigating Planet Earth solo at age 24, Emily Richmond really Darwinned the shit out of herself, especially during that fateful Easter Island acid trip. Way to play it, Emily Richmond!"
For $500, Emily Richmond will phone you from Darwin, Australia, and divulge to you all of her Darwinned secrets towards Ultimate Darwinism, and then you will get to be as smart and cool and self-actualized as Emily "So Darwinned She Makes Actual Charles Darwin Look Like A Charles Dar-LOSER" Richmond.
8. THE BALLAD OF YOU & EMILY RICHMOND: $755
As we all know, John Lennon and Yoko Ono were married in Gibraltar on March 20th, 1969. For $750- the exact price of a pair of ugly Christian Louboutin leopard-print pumps- plus the price of a plane ticket to Gibraltar, Emily Richmond and YOU (!!!!) can re-enact John & Yoko's wedding! Your Phony J&Y Wedding Tribute (you and Emily won't actually get married, unless you and Emily are actually in love with each other, in which case: Congratulations, Guys!) will take place on May 20th, 2011, to celebrate John & Yoko's forty-two year and two month wedding anniversary. Emily gets to be John, since she's "A John," but you get to be "YOU-ko Ono"!
9. LAURA JANE'S MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR IS COMING TO TAKE YOU AWAY!: The remainder of Emily's Kickstarter goal
As much as I am SO INSANELY PROUD of my bro for circumnavigating the planet solo, I am a little nervous about the fate of Circumnavigation Emily's sanity. It both saddens and scares me to contemplate how fucking nuts Emily might go, alone, on a boat, for two years. She will probably turn into the hot 26-year-old girl equivalent of Tom Hanks' character in Castaway. Fuckscrap will be her "Wilson."
To protect Emily, I have recently decided that I will be accompanying her on the "India to Morocco" (January 2011- May 2011) leg of her journey. I will fly to India, where we will ride bikes down to Rishikesh, fully immerse ourselves in Cosmic John Lennon Energy, and Darwin the living daylights out of our Lennon Brothers Selves. Then, we will live on a boat for four months. We will be like man and wife. Fuckscrap will be our first-born son. Emily will bake me pies while I get to work on my second book, "I Take Back Everything I Said In My First Book," by Laura Jane Faulds. Then, we will arrive in my homeland of Morocco, where we will smoke a shit-ton of hash.
If you finance the rest of Emily's Kickstarter goal, YOU CAN COME WITH US. OMG OMG OMG! I don't really need to explain why this is a great investment. The only person in the world funner than I am is Emily Richmond, so HAVE FUCKING FUN! You will. You so will.
HOWEVER: If you are a Hot Dude, you are allowed to accompany me on my Magical Mystery Tour for FREE! I will be accepting Magical Mystery Dude apps all the way up 'til November 2010 (unless the cosmos intervene, I mean); please send two (2) photographs (one headshot; one full body), some information about your astrological positioning, and a 500-word essay entitled "My Favourite Kinks Song" to firstname.lastname@example.org.
If you win the Laura Jane's Magical Mystery Dude Sweepstakes, I will write you an e-mail reading, "GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, AND INTO EMILY RICHMOND'S BOAT!!!!!!" See you then, Hot Stuff!
Tags: 7-11, boats, Bobbie Rounds the World, DarWINning, Emily Richmond, Fuckscrap, HELP EMILY RICHMOND SAIL AROUND THE WORLD, Helping a brother out, Inner Circle, John & Yoko, John Lennon, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura Jane's Magical Mystery Dude Sweepstakes, LSD, Precious Moments, Thai food
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