Monday , November 16, 2009
The James Joyce of Fashion Bloggers: "Let It Be Boring," by Laura Jane Faulds
ABOVE: That little piece of paper you can't read says "Music Makes You Not Alone." Which is true.
1. BEGINNING
When you are a very little kid, you dream of your past lives. They are still fresh; you know them better than you know yourself.
When you are a less-little kid, you dream of adolescence: of book reports, first kisses, and the movies.
Adolescents long for high school, the freedom and the frowns.
And, when you were a teenager- once, back then:
You dreamed only of today.
2. GOOD AND BAD
The Fiery Furnaces, "South Is Only A Home"-
Good and bad will mean a lot of things, and already have. Within themselves, they are hollow- two vacant drag-words useful only in their ability to delineate a polarity. It is your right, to make them yours. "Good" and "bad" won't ever mean the same two things for very long. Give it two days: and already, it's time to take stock of what they now-mean. One must never fall back upon yester-you's G and B. They mean nix now- remember it; economize. "Good" and "bad" are smart jokesters who can trap you. It is your right, to trap them first.
Today, I am interested in "boring" being the opposite of "hilarious"; hilariously, "boring" is not the bad one. Boring is the best.
3. BORING
Elastica- "Waking Up"-
The best moments of these days are not when the dullness slackens, but when it throbs. Ohhhkay. Cute dude at the bar alert! And that is so convenient how I have pink-eye on the street-car but Dad already bought me my favourite wine! I don't have to go to the wine store now. There is a piece of paper in the mailbox which says I can walk to the post office and pick up a package. A package! What could it be? I know exactly what it is. I go to this one place, where I "make my own salad." It's breakfast. You get six ingredients for $7.50; sometimes, I switch it up. And I got this contraption, it's like a pan. You put water in the bottom of it, then heat it on the stove. Eggs are a bit scary but can be cracked with a butter-knife. You pour them into these cute ramekins, like little pots. You let it all boil for fifteen minutes, and it poaches them perfectly! Amazing.
4. HILARIOUS
When something bad happens, you go into shock, and behave stupidly. But give it two days, and it can become a joke. The more tragic the tragedy, the funnier it will be. It probably won't be funny to other people- as it shouldn't be. But it is hilarious to you, which is right. I think.
Maybe it is not so funny that I had anorexia for three years and almost died. But it is very hilarious for now-me to reflect upon certain smallish dumbnesses, things like:
I would listen to the line of "I'm Gonna Run" by the Fiery Furnaces where she says "I ate 12 dozen donuts for lunch" and I would think "Well, yeah! She better run! That fat slob Eleanor Friedberger!"
(You have to admit that's kind of funny.)
Living with anorexia was a lot of terrible and horrific things, and none of them were boring. They were the worst worsts I'll ever know, and now they are my history, and if I don't let them go, they'll kill me still.
I'm too lazy to be sad about it. Laughing's my favourite, so I may as well, right? Jokes are the best, so why not? Be so gauzy and calm, diaphanous.
__
It takes about two days to learn that your good has changed. Or: that you have.
5. LAZY AND SEXY
First albums are good because they were written before the person who wrote them knew for sure that they were going to get a record deal. First albums are good because they are about real, boring life. They are relatable.
I am five foot six and one half inches tall, and it is September. I am lazy and sexy, and two of my all-time favourite first-albums are Elastica by Elastica, and Gallowsbird's Bark by The Fiery Furnaces. They are both lazy and sexy, and I mean that twice:
1. Elastica and Gallowsbird's Bark are lazy and sexy;
2. Justine Frischmann from Elastica and Eleanor Friedberger from the Fiery Furnaces are lazy and sexy.
I used to listen to the Beatles a lot, but right now I'm very "burnt out on the Beatles." I am curiously talented at skewing Beatles-tales to mean whatever I want them to mean about things that have nothing to do with the Beatles, but right now- I can't be bothered, I'm too lazy.
I may be a loudmouth, but I'm definitely not a man who is a famous drug addict in 1967. I'll never sleep with George Harrison, because he is dead. I hope I get to meet Paul McCartney one day.
I would rather listen to music that is exactly about my exact life today. I want to hear songs about being a sexy, lazy babe in her mid-twenties, written by other sexy, lazy babes in their mid-twenties. Elastica and Gallowsbird's Bark are about shit relationships and shit jobs, eating and drinking, hanging around, going away. They are about wishing to have sex with Peter Fonda on the hood of a car, or motivating yourself to go to the gym and run on one of those things that is kind of like a treadmill I think. And- we are all brunettes. With "F" last names!
I'm too bored to listen to music that doesn't make me feel exactly the same as how I'd feel without it:
Lazy and sexy. Like a lazy cat stretching.
6. TEENAGERHOOD
Your late teens, those ill-fitting days. You are a dress that won't zip up. These girls are like mice, and "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon" blares unwanted and obnoxious as they scramble uncomfortably 'cross the crosswalk, arms crossed. Chest hid.
Women in their mid-twenties are women and cats. You ogle their glamour, and imagine yourself in their cool shoes: "Will I like myself then?" Yes, probably. They are sexy and lazy and swat at flies. Killed in their paws, they strut, stare straight-forward. They are straightforward and don't tell lies. You won't too, but: "Will I like myself then?"
YES!!!! The sound of our voice presages. We are lazy cats stretching. You are threatened and nervous and scurry away! Time passes. It turns out to be true; you grow up to be me. Pretty and cool and all that.
She is a cat now, and eats you up.
7. JUSTINE
I am 16, and bad means good. I don't have my priorities straight. I bought a poster of the cover of Elastica by Elastica five years ago because I saw they were a cool band to like. I only finally bought the album yesterday, and I love it. Justine Frischmann- what a name! English and hard as 100-proof Cadbury, her voice like that snap of breaking dark chocolate in two. A lank lock of greasy black hangs down over her forehead and face. I stink of nasty wildflowers; too shy not to spray on this perfume I've been given as a gift. I am a good kid, but try to seem mean. Justine seems like she'd be mean if you messed with her, though who would try? All of her clothes are black! It seems. How bad like good she seems. She's skinny, and wears buttoned-up Oxfords buttoned down into a deep V. Sex is a thing she has. It's the year 2000 but I've trapped her six years ago: she dates Damon Albarn, who is the hottest. He's drunk and a slut, which makes her sad, but that sad to me is appealing, it's cool.
"I would be so happy," I thought, "To have her Sad."
8. ELEANOR
The Fiery Furnaces, "Up In The North"-
I am 18, and good means "Eleanor Friedberger's Haircut." Yesterday, my boyfriend played me this new album by this new band whose album is getting great reviews. I love it. It's so sweet how she's in a band with her brother, though I don't care about the brother at all. He's boring. But her- she's beautiful. Light and lemony, like a Greyhound (the drink). Six years from now, I will regret nothing more than how I wasted this past year sniffing coke with Norm from Cheers' daughter instead of going out to Greenpoint to watch the Fiery Furnaces play all the time.
Aging: like how you have different penmanship with different pens.
It is that next summer, and she. Can wear any clothes in that brown baseball body. I drew a picture of myself and wrote "Maria Anna Gamisou" underneath, and I wrote a story named "Anjou" after that same song. She is on the wall of my Oakville bedroom, laughing with her brother. I've always wanted a big brother, and he seems like he'd be a good one to have. She is perfect, and I envy her for everything.
9. YOUR MID-TWENTIES
Elastica, "Stutter"-
The hilarious part is that everything is exactly how you thought it would be. Only now- it's boring.
"Oh, Life! You've proved me wrong once again!": "If you're hoping he won't, well, of course then- he must"
It's easy to let this get you down: "Keeping a brave face in circumstances is impossible"
Especially because you have a bad job that makes you want to die: "I slit my wrists with my Swingline"
So you quit it, and are now unemployed: "I'd work very hard, but I'm lazy"
Which also sucks: "Dude, I'm broke"
You're annoyed because you're not famous yet: "If I can't be a star I won't get out of bed."
You try really hard to maintain a positive attitude: "There's nothing like a smiling face"
But then you get pink-eye: "Now my eyes are all itchy and I can't tell which way to walk down the street"
So you get drunk: "Vodka, scotch and loads of beer- it's so great! We want to stay here"
Which is a Band-Aid solution: "You got a wing in your snaggle tooth, and you can't knock it back with no 80 proof"
But still all you care about: "Is loving and drinking wine"
Unfortunately, the only dudes who are into you are creeps: "Dirty boy said, Let's make love in the water; I said, No thanks, pal"
And the only dudes who you are into are taken: "He's a married man, but he comes to see me sometime"
This is something to obsess about: "Whose head were you turning? Don't you know I've been out of my mind?"
You conclude that something must be wrong with you: "Is there something you lack, when I'm flat on my back?"
So you get drunk again: "Drank myself to a stupor"
But kind of too drunk: "Ears started to ring"
So you: "Make a cup of tea, and put a record on"
And realize there's a Fiery Furnaces lyric with your name in it!: "Beautiful Laura's sweeping the porch"
You clean up the kitchen: "Beautiful Laura's sweeping the porch"
And you see how your brain's kind of messy too: '"The only thing I surely own is a worried and troubled mind"
So you: "Type my brains away"
And then you: "Got back the plague."
10. LAURA JANE
It is nice outside can you please go do anything in the world except this please Laura Jane
I like my body because I am a human being and women have nice-looking bodies and I am one of them. No two women have the same hot body. It is like how I went to the bar with her and she drank a Gin & Ginger and I thought that is a cool drink to get. I had a sip of it to see how I liked it; I didn't, at all.
It is impossible to convince myself that I am majorly less beautiful- or, less thin- than either of these two women. In teenagerhood, I begged, pled, and screamed for this- thinness, which was beauty- and now I have it, and I am like oh cool well yeah whatever.
I am skinny but it is not creepy and jacked. I am too lazy to hate my body, and I am too sexy to convince myself that I am anything otherwise. Everything I thought would be best is boring, and my body is one of them.
Good.
11. OTHER PEOPLE
Ally is my best friend. She practices yoga every day. My second best friend shelves books and hates it, but has a beautiful dog and takes well good care of him. Sometimes, we talk on the phone. We decided that "glad" is a shit word; it's like "happy" but without the heavy. There is Jackadory, who loves nothing more than to suture up a cadaver; Emily Richmond is sailing around the world. Jenny smokes a shit-ton of weed. My roommate is only twenty-three, but she makes paper out of pulp.
I am bored and boring, and I am in great company. You, I bet, are one of us too! What do you love? I bet I would think it was boring.
__
Let's walk home now. It's late outside.
12. END
The Fiery Furnaces, "We Got Back The Plague"-
My name is Laura Jane, and I'm 24. I was very very sick for a very long time, but I worked so hard to get better, and then- I did! I live in Toronto, which is where I'm from. It is a fifteen-minute walk to the exact hospital I was born at. My favourite band is the Beatles, my favourite colour is red. My favourite jeans are a size 1; any smaller, and I wouldn't exist. If I'm hungry, it means I'm about to eat. I add a healthy dash of nonfat milk to my iced Americano, and am so proud to be seen holding it, because that caramel colour- it means I'm well. I love my parents more than anything, and my best friends are my life. I have a crush on a dude, and I hope it works out in the long run. My heroes are Kat Asharya and Elizabeth Barker. The three of us run a blog together, and I think we are doing something amazing and important. Sometimes I am so scared that I will never get to be a writer, but then I see that I guess I am one.
I am filthy and sharp, sexy and lazy, happy and bored. All I need is to walk down the street and listen to my favourite music on headphones. I think about everything, and then I write it down.
Maybe this would be boring for a lot of people. But for me-
It's good.
Tags: babes, boredom, eating disorder recovery, Elastica, Eleanor Friedberger, Eleanor Friedberger's Haircut, hilariousness, I Am Not John Lennon, Justine Frischmann, Laura Jane Faulds, Laura loves the Beatles, laziness, mid-twenties, sexiness, teenagerhood, The Fiery Furnaces, The James Joyce of Fashion Bloggers
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12 Comments!!
Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)
Got something to say? We'd love to hear it! Name, email and "type in the weirdo drunken text" thingie are all required to comment; don't worry, we won't email you or anything, we just want to make sure you're not an evil spambot. Keeping in mind the good-times mentality we like to keep going here, we've worked hard to keep NOGOODFORME.COM as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
I posted this on a Saturday night as a symbolic gesture meant to communicate how awesomely boring my life truly is.
By Laura
on September 19, 2009 8:23 PM
"And, when you were a teenager- once, back then- you dreamed only of today."
So exact. Only for me, "once" is now and "today" is a hazy glamorous future.
Ps. I put two zines in the mail on Wednesday after school. Sorry I took so long; I'm apparently lazy about these things.
By Clara the annoying fifteen-year-old on September 19, 2009 9:40 PM
Awesome! Super-stoked to read them, Clara.
By Laura
on September 20, 2009 1:28 AM
reading this wasn't boring at all
By L.E. on September 20, 2009 9:39 AM
You definitely are a writer; if you weren't i couldn't be one of your readers. But I am!
And, I am glad that I am, which was an unfortunate choice of words maybe. But then if everything was heavy, we would all be SQUASHED.
I love good comic books and Jean Claude Van Damme movies. Boring?
By Claire on September 20, 2009 11:06 AM
although i'm always happy to be big sis, sometimes i wish the roles were reversed so that, for instance, 17-year-old me could've read this post and gotten some really good ideas about being 24.
part #9 is the best thing i've read in 87 years btw.
By Liz
on September 20, 2009 12:17 PM
LE- Oh no! I have failed! Just kidding. Thank you!
Claire- Thanks bro! I actually think that being into comic books & JCVD is sort of non-boring, so I guess I disagree with myself, your blog is fucking awesome btw
Barker- Whoa that is kind of too META- for me to handle. #9#9#9 was really hard to write. It took FOREVS. "Glad" to know it was worth it
By Laura
on September 20, 2009 12:32 PM
Thanks dude!
(The word "dude" has risen WAY UP in my vocabulary since I started reading here, by the way. Fun fact!)
By Claire on September 20, 2009 5:54 PM
"When something bad happens, you go into shock, and behave stupidly. But give it two days, and it can become a joke. The more tragic the tragedy, the funnier it will be. It probably won't be funny to other people- as it shouldn't be. But it is hilarious to you, which is right. I think."
What if it takes weeks?
I would like to take on this attitude! Right now something bad just happened but I felt better reading this so I'll just think its funny before I actually realize it is funny so I don't suffer in the meantime.
By luxirare on September 21, 2009 9:50 AM
Dear Luxirare,
Let's bear in mind that I am in no way a therapist and am actually kind of an idiot. But I think when something bad happens the best thing you can do at first is "sit with your discomfort," rather than see the tragedy as this Mystical Other leering at your life, and fucking with your ability to be you. But I do believe that there is humor in everything and that laughing is the easiest way to feel better fastest. A couple of weeks ago I felt like total angry-sad bullshit so I called one of my friends and delivered a three-hour-long angry-hilarious monologue about it and probably have never been so funny in my life. That's a good thing to do.
I hope all is well!
Take care of yourself,
Laura Jane
By Laura
on September 21, 2009 1:52 PM
Laura Jane,
If you're the James Joyce of fashion bloggers, you're also the Lester Bangs of 2009. xo.
http://www.straycat-blues.blogspot.com
By Michelle on September 21, 2009 7:22 PM
Wow! Well my day is definitely made. Thanks, Michelle
By Laura
on September 21, 2009 10:02 PM