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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Bigger Beardo, John or Paul?
LIZ: A few Sundays ago Emily "Switchfoot" Richmond and I were hanging out on Bobbie, drinking Tecate and eating oversized chocolate chocolate chip cookies. "I don't think Paul McCartney is sexy!" Switchfoot shouted suddenly, throwing an oversized chocolate chocolate chip cookie at my head. "I don't either!" I responded wide-eyedly, my mouth full of cookie that'd just bounced off my nose. "Unless he's got a beard," I added. "Paul + beard always equals sexy." Then Emily nodded in agreement, and we each shotgunned a fresh can of Tecate and went to Chipotle to buy salad. The salad was soooo good, and we also ate chips with guacamole.
Cut to two or something Fridays later and I'm on the phone with LJ, who asks: "Do you think Paul McCartney is sexy?" "No, I don't!" I responded wide-eyedly, my mouth full of cookie that'd just bounced off my nose. "Unless he's got a beard," I added. "Paul + beard always equals sexy." Then Laura told me I was disgusting, and then after that she emailed me a link to a video of Bearded Paul McCartney singing "Let It Be," accompanied by the statement "Liz has Retarded Beatles Opinions." But I don't have retarded Beatles opinions! Sexiness is subjective, and Bearded Paul McCartney is just the bee's knees in my sexy book. With Pre-Beard Paul I've got this real innocent affection, a sort of pre-adolescent lovey-doveyness: I wanna hold his hand, and maybe neck a little on the couch with my parents safely sleeping upstairs, but that's about it. With Bearded Paul, I wanna hold his hand and more, but in a real romantic, in-love-for-life kinda way - me and him burning matches, lifting latches, and all the rest. It's a rare thing to gaze upon a man and realize, "Dear sir, I'm very interested in having emotionally profound marital relations with you," and I think it's really beautiful that I've found that in Bearded Paul. "Beautiful," as in "not disgusting." So there.
Ugly Beard Paul Singing "Let It Be":
LJ: Subjectivity is the spice of life, and, for the most part, it's pretty convenient how Barker and I have such wildly divergent tastes in dudes (not counting Michael Showalter). It's nice to know that no dude- except maybe Michael Showalter, who once came between us- will ever come between us. So: good. Goody good good, Elizabeth Barker. Take your Anthony Kiedis and your Benicio Del Toro and your Andrew Wilson. Zero judgment, my sister. But Bearded Paul? Bearded Paul?? BEARDED PAUL?!? Out of every Paul incarnation, you pick BEARD PAUL??? That is just so jacked. If it were the 1960s, and Paul McCartney was a friend of mine, and we'd hung out a bunch in '67, fallen out of touch for two years, and then re-hooked up in January of 1969, I would be aghast at how "retardedly disgusting" my old friend looked. I would grasp him by the forearm, look deep into his eyes, nod slowly, and say "Dude- you've really let yourself go."
Um, yeah, Liz- it's so "hot" when dudes have greasy center-parted hair, curly bangs, and oily, red faces. Rooftop-era Paul looks like he has let his personal hygiene fall to shit. He makes me want to call up Rooftop-era John and be like, "Congratulations on finally out-hotting Paul McCartney!" Beard Paul is the only Version of Paul I'd consider "not beautiful", as in "disgusting." I would be enthusiastically pro-"having emotionally profound marital relations" (which I tend to call "boning cutely", but, to quote a recent Tweet of Spencer Pratt's, "tomatoe tomatoa right?" RIGHT.) with Non-Beardo Paul, so long as he promised me he'd never, ever grow a beard again. And as for Beardo John? To quote Spencer Pratt, again, at some point, probably: I'd SO "tap that ass."
LIZ: Firstly, I'd like to clarify that I too find Paul kinda gross in the above video, mostly because I find anybody kinda gross when they stare into a camera with their mouth ickily open like that. When I think "Sexy Bearded Paul," I think of him on the cover of Rolling Stone, or playing his bass guitar during the Let It Be sessions, or, yeah, the Rooftop Concert. If the Rooftop era is Paul's Fat Elvis moment then, wow - way to win at life all over again, my bearded friend! Second, I'll fully cop to finding not-so-well-groomed dudes infinitesimally hotter than their more put-together counterparts. I really dig greasy hair, and one time all my friends made fun of me for classifying Benicio Del Toro's potbelly as "so adorable." And I'm proud of that! Scruffy is sexiest, and delicate beauty in a dude just eeks me out. Last summer, for instance, I had a very brief dalliance with a Vinnie Chase-lookalike, and I'm still mad at him for being prettier than me. Bleh.
So yeah, tomatoe tomatoa/the horrible sound of tomato. And while I guess I can maybe concede that Rooftop-era John is possibly tappable, I really don't consider John fit for "cutely boning" anytime after 1965. John reading from A Spaniard In The Works, or doing whatever he's doing here, is my most adorable John, and as the hair gets longer I get more and more turned off till eventually we arrive at THIS, and "turned off" becomes "borderline-terrified." Bearded John is SO SCARY to me, and has been every since I was a little girl. Back then there was this graffiti artist in my hometown whose tag was "Starchild," and my cousins told me how Starchild was some satanist-punk who could set buildings on fire with his eyes. Bearded John seemed evil like that, even though I knew in my heart he wouldn't hurt me. I'll probably never shake that off, and Bearded John will always be kinda nightmarish for me. If Laura says he's sexy, I'm gonna be so scared of her too.
LJ: Well now I have to say I find Bearded John sexy, because I like the sound of Barker being scared of me. "Fear of LJ" will add a really exciting new dimension to Liz & I's generally conflict-free relationship. Now I'll be able to get Barker to do whatever I want, whenever I want it! Admit that Bearded John is sexy, Elizabeth! GIVE ME MONEY. Fly to Toronto and cook me some goddamned dinner, you filthy little geek, or I'll fuck your fucking face up. Cool? Was that scary? YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT WAS SCARY. I can set buildings on fire with my eyes!
Just kidding, on every count. I'm not scary, I can't set buildings on fire with my eyes (though I wish I could), and I don't really think Bearded John is sexy, though I do think he's "Significantly Sexier Than Bearded Paul," and "tappable," because, like, he's John Lennon, you know? I would always choose "tapping John Lennon" over "not tapping John Lennon." Also, it hurts my feelings when people speak ill of John Lennon, a la when Barker just called him terrifying. It's a natural fact that John Lennon had mega-"body image issues", and it worries me that John Lennon may be reading this nogoodforme post from beyond the grave, and now the ghost of John Lennon is crying! Nice one, Barker.
But really: the only Bearded Beatle I care about boning, tapping, tomatoe-ing, and/or tomatoa-ing (either sweetly or non-) is Beardo George Harrison. Bro could "set me" on "fire" with his "eyes" any day of the week: preferably, all eight.
LIZ: I WANNA DO IT WITH BEARDO GEORGE HARRISON TOO. And I'd maybe even European-kiss Bearded Ringo for three seconds, so long as he was wearing a cravat. Beard + cravat always equals sexy - don't you think, world?
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