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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Sexiest "Another Girl" Beatle?
RINGO: THE STACY PERALTA OF 1965
LIZ: Well, the sexiest "Another Girl" Beatle definitely ain't Ringo, that's for damn sure! Next!
LJ: Does anybody think Ringo Starr is sexy? Say the sentence "Ringo is sexy" aloud to yourself. What a trip, right? I bet even Ringo's wives were like, "Richard Starkey is a fun-lovin' buttercup with a heart of gold, but um yeah no not really all that sexy." Sucks to be y'all, Barbara Bach and Maureen Starkey! Yet, eleven aberrant seconds into this video, something unearthly happens: Ringo gets sexy. It's when he's wearing giant black sunnies, and one of the other Beatles scratches at the lens of them. In that half-second, Ringo looks like a bitchin' little skate punk who would be really killer to make out with in a 7-11 parking lot while drinking a banana Slurpee. There would be liquor in the banana Slurpee. Ringo "Stacy Peralta" Starr.
PAUL: THE J.LO OF 1965
LJ: It's not Paul. "Another Girl" Paul is one of the least-sexy Pauls of the entire Beatles, trumped only by the non-sexiness fiasco we call "Let It Be" (Ew! By the way) For one thing, his ass looks like a woman's. It appears as though, prior to filming this video, Paul McCartney perused an article in Glamour magazine about how best to flatter one's curves, and then bought the exact jeans it recommended for maximum ass-bodaciousness. Paul's Rubenesque figure is most effectively showcased at 0:24 into "Another Girl". Compare him to George and John. There's a reason I date dudes, and it's not "because I think Beyonce has a hot body."
Secondly: he looks so uncomfortable when he plays the babe like a guitar (1:07, 1:41)! It's really gross and sexist to play a babe like a guitar, but if you're going to play a babe like a guitar, you ought to be raunchy about it. They really picked the wrong Beatle to play a babe like a guitar. This is probably the sole occasion I will ever champion Mick Jagger over Paul McCartney at anything, but I think Mick could probably show Paul a thing or two about how to be a sexy dirtbag at playing a babe like a guitar. Paul looks like a cherub and that is adorable and I love him. But he also looks like he would be more at home drinking apple juice than whiskey, and possibly wearing a bib while doing so.
He really works that black t-shirt, however. It compliments his alabaster complexion.
LIZ: Right now I'm reading a book about Paul McCartney; the third chapter starts like this: "He had a softness about him in those days. He was still a little chubby, for one thing - the layer of baby fat that saw Paul into early adolescence had stuck with him, thanks in part to the cakes and treats supplied to the motherless McCartney boys from their loving aunts. This weakness proved useful to younger brother Mike, who realized early on that he could always provoke an explosion from Paul with a well-timed catcall of fatty." Oh poor teenage Paul, you motherless little cake-eating fatty! Of course, Paul slimmed down in due time, but it's funny that he held onto "the rump," at least for the duration of the "Another Girl" video. More importantly, it intensifies my Paul affinity tenfold, on account of the fact that I too am possessed of a "bodacious ass." It's both a blessing and burden - like, sometimes you're walking down the street in Venice and a car pulls up and a dude leans out and asks, "Hey, where'd a white girl like you get an ass like that?" and it's so annoying and steam comes out of your ears as you shout back: "Ah, put a sock in it, will ya?!"* before stomping away. And then other times you want to post Califone's "Your Golden Ass" in Heavy Rotation and comment "This one goes out to MYSELF" and maybe pair it with "Ms. New Booty," but then you get shy and chicken out. But most of the time it's all pretty awesome, and I'm sorta sad for "Another Girl" Paul that this is one shared gift of ours that's not so much of asset on "his end." Okay, I'm stopping now.
*Sadly, my actual response was "SHUT UP!", and I probably sounded a lot like Cherita in Donnie Darko.
JOHN: THE MOST GALLANT GOOFBALL IN THE WORLD, EVS
LIZ: As everyone in the world already knows, 1965 John Lennon is my favorite John Lennon. "Another Girl" is like the apex of the vortex of 1965 John cuteness, a veritable carnival of cute, maybe even The Cuteness World's Fair. John in that jaunty little cap that makes me want to marry him? John on drums? John lying in a hole and doing weird arm-dancing moves while George towers over him with his foxy guitar? John doing more weird arm-dancing at 1:52 and grinning like the most gallant goofball in the world evs? Slays me, all of it. "Don't ever change, 'Another Girl' John!" I shout out semi-asshole-ishly, and feel halfway bad about it, but not really.
LJ: I will never think John Lennon is sexy. Bros shouldn't bang their bros, you know? Still- what a sweet goon! In other news, isn't it weird to see the 1965 Beatles wearing pale denim in a tropical location? Before 1965, you only ever saw them wearing black suits in Britain. Or America or wherever. Or grey suits.
GEORGE: IT'S GEORGE
LJ: This video marks a pivotal moment in George Harrison's transition from ugly gawky duckling to dark, sexy swan. In A Hard Day's Night, George Harrison is a bony-looking child. By HELP!, George Harrison has become the #1 Person from All Human History I Would Most Want To Have Sex With. Speaking of dudes playing babes like they were a guitar: please fast-forward "Another Girl" to 1:49. I wish George Harrison would play me like he plays that guitar, and I mean that sluttily. Wouldn't it be awesome if I got the words I'D RATHER BE HAVING SEX WITH GEORGE HARRISON tattooed across my forehead?
LIZ: Whoa, is it creepy that I've kinda got the hots for A Hard Day's Night George? Sure, he looks about 12 and all, but in that first scene I just want to rip that weird crusty roll or whatever from his hands, toss it out the train window, muss up his hair, and French him for a good ten minutes or so. Gross?
Anyway, yes, John is the cutest "Another Girl" Beatle, but George wins the sexy cookoff yet again. He's like the Yankees of Beatles Sexiness. I hate the Yankees but I love George Harrison. Life is a mind puzzle - an awesome mind puzzle.
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