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Tuesday , December 14, 2010

nogoodforme ix: Dating Dealbreakers for Dudes

IT IS ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR RIGHTS TO JUDGE MEN BASED ON THEIR ASTROLOGICAL POSITIONING

Aries- dudes are the most fucking frustrating little mice-babies on the planet. That being said, Aries-dudes are great to have around for "booty call" purposes. I could never date a Taurus, because Tauruses don't have emotional breakdowns, or even understand what emotional breakdowns are. What's that about??? I already dated a Gemini, for three high-stress years of my life. Sometimes- often- he would turn into his Creepy Gemini Other, and I'd cry. I'll probably date a Gemini again, because Geminis are attracted to Laura Jane Faulds like fleas to filth or white on rice. I'd definitely date another Cancer, because Cancers are the only people who truly understand me. However, it probably wouldn't be a very good relationship. It would be "emotionally exhausting," is what it would be.

Leos are stellar in the sack, so let us all bear that in mind, about Leos. I used to hate Virgos, but after finding out that I'm a Virgo moon, I am warming up to the idea of Virgos. I'd take a serious relationship with a Virgo over a serious relationship with a Leo, an Aries, a Taurus, or an Aquarius. So that's pretty good! You're movin' on up, Virgos. Libras are the astro-dudes I tend to date the most, cuz they are complex and ebulliant, like John Lennon. In the future, I hope to date Libras less, because they are insane egomaniacs, like John Lennon.

I wouldn't really recommend dating Scorpios, unless you are in a highly self-destructive phase of your life. Scorpios are assholes. I think that Scorpios & Leos should only date each other, and then leave the rest of us alone. My new goal in life is to seriously date a Sagittarius, because they are fun and chiill and happy and sane. So if you happen to know a handsome Sagittarian Beatlemaniac, please send this dude my way. Everybody knows Laura Jane loves a good Capricorn. Capricorn dudes= the Elizabeth Barkers of Dudes. PS: Syd Barrett was a Capricorn! Aquarians are wacky flakes who think they get it but don't. I'd rather marry an Aries than spend one week of my life shacked up with an Aquarius. Pisceans are the greatest sign of the entire Zodiac, and I love them best of all. I will never get married, unless he's a Pisces.

I highly urge everyone in the world to compose their own set of Astro-Dating Precepts. It will spare you a great deal of misery and dude-dramz. (LJ)

BEING A BAD TIPPER

I used to think I could never date someone with atrocious grammar, but then I dated a whole slew of Europeans who were quite creative in their solutions in dealing with nonsensical English grammar rules. I also used to think I could never date anyone with anything but superlative taste in music, but then I dated a few guys who weren't music nerds and they ended up being better boyfriends than the ones who were -- most likely because they were not obsessed with not making me watch portions of the Circle Saturnus Reality DVD three times in a row. Now dealbreakers for me are more about being a kind, decent human being, being relatively well-adjusted, having an adventurous intellect and a passion for something in life -- none of which are fun to expound upon in a nogoodformeix. But one thing I can't go back on -- I cannot deal with dudes who are lousy, chintzy tippers. You don't know how many times I've been on a date and been appalled at how cheap-ass some people can be. I have no problems with a cheap date because I know what it's like to be broke, and I'm not a fucking princess that needs to be wined and dined and pampered like some MTV reality tv assholette. But if you get genuinely bad service on a meal, talk to a manager, you know? Leave a minimum of 15% if you live in a big city, 20% if you're really awesome. I have a theory that bad tippers are really lousy in bed, because if they're stingy at the table, they'll be stingy between the sheets. Unfortunately, I've never gotten past the bad tip to really test out that assumption because that's how unsexy being Scrooge-y is. (Kat)

NOT GIVING A DAMN ABOUT THE CLASH

One of my BFFs says her number-one dealbreaker is Not Appreciating The Simpsons - which I get, but I'm not passionate enough about The Simpsons to slide that one into my top three. I suppose Not Giving A Damn About The Clash is my version of the Simpsons dealbreaker, and it's something I strongly urge all boy-lovin' ladies to abide by (that is, if you're a girl who typically couples up with rock-loving dudes and not, like, a serial dater of opera aficionados or jazz-fusion enthusiasts or whatevs). The Clash doesn't have to be his favorite band, or even in his top 37 favorite bands, but he must be possessed of a real-serious and unshakable reverence for the almighty Joe Strummer. Otherwise there's just something missing there - like, you know, his soul. (Liz)

P.S. Probably they should change that epithet to "The Clash: The Only Band That Matters (When You're Dating Liz Barker)."

NOT KNOWING "SAVOY TRUFFLE" IS A SONG THAT EXISTS

Once, I was talking to a dude who was an idiot. His job was "rock band manager." Being drunk at the time, I forget what spurred all this on, but our conversation ended up at a place where it was contextually appropriate for me to say "WHAT ABOUT THE BEATLES, DUDE???" Said said losery douchebag :"The Beatles had three managers over the course of their career." I said "No they didn't," because they didn't. The dude got all touchy in the way that lame dudes will get when they feel threatened by a woman who knows more about the Beatles than they do. "Yes they did!" insisted the dude, "From 1967 on, Lennon even had his own individual manager." "That's not true!" I hollered drunkly. "Yes it is!" hollered the dumbass drunkly back. "Tell me one of those managers' names," I sassed. "I don't remember any of them right now," said the jerkbox with his tail between his legs.

In conclusion: if you don't know that "Brian Epstein" was a person who existed, you are not allowed to talk to me about the Beatles.

In further conclusion: A lot of people think they like the Beatles, but actually don't. The failsafe gauge for detecting whether or not a person is a real Beatles fan, or just owns an ugly Beatles t-shirt and saw the movie Across the Universe, is whether or not they have heard of a song called "Savoy Truffle," and have an opinion about it. I don't date dudes who don't have "Savoy Truffle" opinions. Oh, what the heck-

The Beatles, "Savoy Truffle"-

PS: If people were Beatles songs, I'd be really into dating a dude who was "Savoy Truffle." (LJ)

TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF NON-STOP

I live and date in New York City, where people are always talking about themselves. It's kind of obnoxious, but at the same time, if someone's genuinely, passionately into what they're doing with their life, I think it's the most beautiful, inspiring thing in the world -- and that's why I love living here. That's what the electricity and energy of New York is about for me. But there's a huge diff between talking about your passion and talking about yourself. I've been on dates that have almost been like performance art in their degree of monomania, where the dude is sitting there, expounding and extrapolating and telling me how awesome his band/book/documentary/whatever is and what he thinks about this and that and the only reason he asks you questions is so he can tell you his opinion about his answers, blah blah blah, please someone hand me a gun and shoot my brains into a million different pieces? Sweet Jesus! I can't believe people like this exist on the planet! Send them off to Pluto and hope they never breed! (Kat)

BEING A CRIMINAL, MAYBE

(Mega-datable criminal John Bender.)

If I were a comedian whose schtick was based on the trials and tribs of being a hip single girl in the city (The Carrie Bradshaw of Stand-Up Comedy, if you will, or maybe just Janeane Garofalo in the early '90s), I'd totally have some lame joke about how I always make a first- or second-date point of asking dudes if they've ever been to jail, and they often say yes, and I usually keep dating them anyway. But seriously! It's actually a damn good conversation stimulator, albeit one that should probably come at least 12 questions after basic getting-to-know-ya stuff like "Where'd you grow up?" and "Do you have any brothers and sisters?" And keep in mind that having been behind bars doesn't necessarily mean he's some scary degenerate thug - a couple of my friends got arrested once for sitting on a rock in a park after dark, and they're pretty morally solid people. I guess the important thing is to gauge your comfort level with whatever's on the guy's rap sheet, and then go from there. Like, maybe you're not down with dating anyone who's done time at all. Or maybe your whole dating mission is to find your way to some dashing outlaw who'll be the Clyde Barrow to your Bonnie Parker. Although if he's already been locked up, then maybe that means he's bad at being a criminal - and that's something to mull over too. (Liz)

BEING A REPUBLICAN

Sorry, can't do it. There are a lot of charming, kind, intelligent Republicans out there (I went to a college full of them) but I just can't bring myself to make out with them. I'm sure they feel the same way about Democrats, Greens, etc., so there's no love lost there. (Kat)

(Some dudes Kat would totally never date. L to R: 50 Cent, Alice Cooper, Dennis Hopper, Vincent Gallo.)

HATING CERTAIN THINGS, OR EVEN JUST DISLIKING THEM

Sometimes hating stuff is so cool! But sometimes it's so troubling. For examps, I break out in hives a little whenever anyone (dude or dame) speaks the words "I don't like rap." (First of all, it's "hip-hop" - "rap" is a verb, not a genre. Second, if you've got no love for Wu-Tang or Biggie or Jay-Z or even nerd-appealing stuff like De La Soul or A Tribe Called Quest, then I kinda feel like maybe you're boring and bad at life - which might be unfair, but "unfair" is so the name of the game when it comes to dating.) I also get skeeved out when boys speak the words "I don't like sports" - but I know some girls are totally into that sports-hating thing, because it means the dude's sensitive or something (ewww).

Most important, of all the things I've said here: DON'T EVER PAIR UP WITH A GUY WHO HATES HIMSELF. It's the sort of thing you can usually suss out within a cocktail or two, and it's really really sad, but it's for him to work out and not for you to try to fix. Because the thing about a boy who hates himself is he'll invariably end up hating you too, in some way - and even if you're intellectually cognizant of the fact that it's not your fault, it'll still leave you feeling spiritually icky. And no lady needs that spiritual ickiness. It takes such an irritatingly long time to scrub off. (Liz)

IF U CAN'T DANCE, U CAN'T DO NOTHING FOR ME BABY

Considering what an aggressively non-traditional person I am in nearly every arena of my life, it may come as a surprise how much I care about old-timey chivalry. For one thing: A GENTLEMAN SHOULD ALWAYS WALK ON A LADY'S EXTERIOR. Secondly, I'm really into getting drunk for free. And why should a lady ever have to open a door? It is performing sweet little gestures like these that will ultimately get you laid, Dudes. Speaking of getting laid: if a dude can't dance, he probably can't "dance", either. Dudes who don't dance are self-loathing buzzkills, and I don't want to have anything to do with them. I'm not even saying they have to be good dancers. Probably we should just hop around to the Kinks in my bedroom. If you can't get on board with that: go do your physics homework, dweeb. (Laura Jane)

Tags: Alice Cooper, astrology, Bonnie and Clyde, Brian Epstein, Carrie Bradshaw, chivalry, dancing, dating, dealbreakers, dudes, jail, Laura loves the Beatles, Laura loves the Kinks, republicans, Savoy Truffle, The Clash, The Simpsons, Vincent Gallo

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