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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
Liz & LJ Get Drunk With The Beatles! (The NOGOODFORME Guide To Beatles-Themed Cocktails)
("Cheers to you, Liz and LJ!" say the Beatles.)
If there's one thing Elizabeth Barker and Laura Jane Faulds like better than the Beatles, it's getting drunk- or maybe we mean that the other way round. Recently, nogoodforme reader Kristina B. wrote in inquiring if the Universe's foremost "Beatles-drunks" could put their Beatles-drunkenness to good use and mixologize some Beatles-themed cocktails. "Yeah!", exclaimed Laura Jane, in a subtle reference to "She Loves You." "I'm down!" seconded Barker, which was an allusion to the Beatles song "I'm Down."
And so - on the twenty-ninth anniversary of John Lennon's untimely death - the Beatles-drunks got Beatles-drunk. Laura Jane came up with all the recipes, commissioned Liz to test the John Lennon and the Ringo Starr, claimed the Paul McCartney and the George Harrison for herself, and then phoned up Barker for the first-ever international Beatles-themed cocktail party/teleconference in celebration of the life of John Lennon. It'll probably be an annual event from now on, so do let us know if you'd like us to dial you in next year. Here's what you'll be drinking:
THE JOHN LENNON: STARBUCKS CHRISTMAS BLEND COFFEE & WHISKEY
First of all, the Starbucks at the laundromat across the street was out of Christmas Blend. So I got "Pike Place" or whatever the fuck, and dumped in lots of nutmeg and cinnamon to make it more Christmas-y. At home I added a shot of Jack Daniels plus about a teaspoon of honey, which did little to sweeten up the John Lennon's overwhelming sharpness. It was too bitter for my taste, and hard to take, but strangely satisfying and warmed up my insides real good. What I mean is: excellent work, mixologist Faulds. The John Lennon is exactly like John Lennon, sort of.
A few nights later I made myself another Pike Place John Lennon in hopes that it might make for a good "writing drink," but no dice. Hot whiskey's like Nyquil to me, and even the coffee couldn't overpower its sedative effect. Maybe Pike Place + tequila next time? Which dead legend might that encapsulate?
Also, right before Laura called me I almost Twittered "I want to have Ringo first but then John will get cold," which would've been cute and confusing, but then I forgot or something. Drag. (Liz)
THE PAUL McCARTNEY: APPLE CIDER & VODKA
An instant classic. The Paul McCartney is my new favorite drink, and it tasted exactly like Paul McCartney. I've made out with Paul McCartney several hundred times, and the inside of his mouth tastes like apple cider. That's not necessarily true, but it totally would be if Paul McCartney drank a Paul McCartney, which he should. I'm so happy I discovered the Paul McCartney, because, just like actual Paul McCartney, the Paul McCartney is "Paulicious." You can't taste the vodka at all, so if you like the taste of apple cider, you'll love the taste of (a) Paul McCartney. Let's make it the official drink of 2010! Let's all start going to bars and flippantly ordering Paul McCartneys as if it is the most obvious drink-order in the world. I really think that the Paul McCartney should be an official cocktail that is readily available everywhere, like a Harvey Wallbanger, only less lame. Eventually, somebody will tell actual Paul McCartney that there is a hot new alcoholic beverage named after him, and then he will discover that it was invented by ME, and such will be the tale of how Paul McCartney learns that Laura Jane Faulds is a person who exists in the world. Reason #241200124820 billion why I'm never quitting drinking. (LJ)
THE GEORGE HARRISON: CHAI TEA & GIN
The George Harrison is a nice idea in theory. It may work for other people, but it definitely didn't work for me. It tasted aggressively floral, but in a subtle way. That sentence doesn't make any sense, but it's true, about the George Harrison. It definitely tasted like the essence of George Harrison: dour, sexy and sylphlike. I couldn't drink an entire George Harrison, just like how I can never get through all of All Things Must Pass. Three sips into George, I made myself another Paul, and left George sitting on my coffee table. Moments later, my room began to stink overwhelmingly of George Harrison. I removed the George Harrison from my bedroom and dumped it down the sink, and then I went to bed, and then I woke up, and my room continued to reek of George-smell. Two nights later, I drank four gin & tonics in a relatively short amount of time. I felt okay, because I'm a champ, but then I came home, and walked into my bedroom, and my room still smelled like George, and it was disgusting. I'm really surprised I didn't puke. That night, I had some of the worst "drunksomnia" of my life. I kept paranoidly convincing myself that I was having drunksomnia because my room smelled too much like a George Harrison and that, as long as my room smelled like a George Harrison, I would stay awake forever. I was really mad at George Harrison (the person) in my head. It was all his fault, somehow.
A couple days after that, someone drank chai in my presence and it reminded me of a George Harrison and I gagged a bit. I can't even think about gin right now, which pisses me off, because I was really enjoying having G&Ts be my December 2009 drink, but now George Harrison has gone and ruined that for me. I don't want to say that I will never drink gin again in my life, because I will, but I definitely won't drink gin for the rest of this decade, and I probably won't drink chai tea for at least another six months. If my "drinking a George Harrison" experience was a George Harrison song, it would be either "It's All Too Much" or "Something in the way a George Harrison smells makes me want to barf all over myself." (LJ)
THE RINGO STARR: ORANGE SODA & RUM & RED WINE
Not so shockingly, the Ringo Starr is about a zillion times easier to deal with than the John Lennon. I used a few glugs of Barefoot Cab Sauv, a shot of Bacardi, and about half a can of Sunkist, and the result was this fun, fizzy, fruit-punch-y concoction, like mega-cheapo sangria. "How is it like Ringo?" asked Laura, and I didn't say anything because I couldn't think of anything. "Does it get the job done?" she offered, and I replied in the affirmative: "It's effective, and easy!" And totally reliable, when it comes to getting you drunk. Last night I made another, this time with white zin, under the assumption that using pink wine instead of red would turn the Ringo Starr the color of Ringo's Sgt. Pepper's suit. It didn't work, but that's cool. We love Ringo no matter what.
So yeah, the Ringo Starr: for when you want sangria but are too lazy to cut up fruit. That's probably the perfect tagline. And speaking of the Beatles and cutting up fruit, there's this whole part in the Paul McCartney bio I just finished about how if you spend the night at Paul's house, he'll make you an elaborate fruit salad for breakfast, even if you don't like fruit. At first I thought that anecdote was a bit superfluous, but now I'm really charmed by it. I want Paul McCartney to make me an elaborate fruit salad! So please do what Laura said, about ordering Paul McCartneys all the time. Salud! (Liz)
EXTRA CREDIT: We also decided that if Linda McCartney were a cocktail, she'd be called The Lovely Linda, and would be pink wine, Triple Sec, and soda. Yoko Ono would be The Bloody Yoko, which is a Bloody Mary with sake and a grapefruit garnish. Gold stars go out to anybody who can brainiac up cocktails based around the following Beatles Inner Circle Members:
1) The Brian Epstein (note: MUST INVOLVE COGNAC)
2) The Pattie Boyd
3) The Aunt Mimi
4) The Neil Aspinall
5) The Mal Evans
6) The George Martin
7) The Maharishi
8) THE MAGIC ALEX
Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, chai, George Harrison, getting drunk, international Beatles-themed cocktail parties, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Linda McCartney, mixology, orange soda, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, sangria, Starbucks, Yoko Ono
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