Sunday , June 13, 2010
Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Cutest Beatles Couple?
LAST PLACE: GEORGE & PATTIE
LJ: Pattie Boyd looks like a baby, which is very different from "having a baby face," which she doesn't. I have a baby face. Paul McCartney has a baby face. Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds has a baby face. Pattie Boyd, on the other hand, looks like an actual nine-month-old baby, in a stroller, with a pacifier in her mouth and pureed squash all over her "baby's face." It's not cute, it's creepy.
Last summer, I read Pattie Boyd's crappy autobiography, Wonderful Tonight, which confirmed my lifelong belief that Pattie Boyd is dumb. The worst part of Wonderful Tonight was EVERYTHING, tied with how she doesn't talk about what it's like to have sex with George Harrison. As if anybody in the fucking world would read Wonderful Tonight for ANY reason but to find out what having sex with George Harrison is like. Real "classy", Pattie Boyd. Speaking of George Harrison, I only ever have one opinion about George Harrison, which is that I wish I was having sex with him right now. Out of all the George Harrisons, "Something"-era George Harrison is definitely the George Harrison I'd most want to have sex with, and that says a lot, about the sexiness of "Something"-era George Harrison. I don't buy that "Something"-era George Harrison loves Pattie Boyd at all. His eyes are dead when he looks at her. "Something" about "Something"-era George just screams "I'd rather be having sex with a twenty-four year old double-named fashion blogger forty years in the future instead of my wife who looks like a baby." To make a long story short: George and Pattie? SO not cute.
LIZ: Though I've got a few probs with This Recording's "Emails From Your Boyfriend The Beatle" post, the George messages mostly tickled me pink. (And, I'm so envious about George's lunch from November 19: almonds, apricots, prayer bread, and a Chunky bar? YUM! Except for the prayer bread, actually. I'm going to pretend he said Mestemacher Westphalian Pumpernickel, instead of prayer bread.) I'd be really bad at having George for a boyfriend; I'd invariably end up doing that thing where I talk a lot of dumb shit on purpose, just to mock a dude's way-tiresome self-seriousness, and then he'd either (a) not get the joke and think I'm actually d-u-m, or (b) go all aggro* on me for teasing him and being totally brill at it to boot. Any which way you slice that loaf of Mestemacher Westphalian Pumpernickel, George and I are DOOMED.
And that's cool; he can have creepy-baby Pattie Boyd. The thing that bugs me most about her in this vid is how, for a model, she's god-awful at pulling off that whole "Oh, look at me, pureheartedly and un-self-consciously breaking into the sweetest smile whenever the camera wants to capture me gazing at my hot husband" act. That, and the problem of how - as a woman of 32 - I should really be over wishing I looked more like Pattie Boyd by now. Oh well.
*Funny aside: I was poking around online for a funny synonym for "angry," and one of the suggestions offered by some slang dictionary was "crunk." That would be pretty epic, if George Harrison and I were fighting and then he got all crunk on me. Yeah.
SECOND-TO-LAST PLACE: JOHN & YOKO
LIZ: Excepting this beautiful photo, the "Something" video may be the most I've ever been charmed by John and Yoko. They look like they're in Harry Potter, like some cool seventh-year Ravenclaw couple who're really good at Potions and always slipping each other scary sex poems in class, then sneaking under the bleachers to smoke cigarettes during Quidditch games.
My second fave thing is that goofball grin John gives at 1:30. As I've sniveled about before, sort of, I'm generally terrified of post-1967 John Lennon. It's something I feel real bad about and I'm trying to work on, and that stupid sarcastically cheesy smile really helps me along.
And my third fave thing is the shot from 0:48 to 0:52, in which John is lovingly towering over Yoko and looks about nine feet taller than her. I love to be lovingly towered-over; it's maybe the thing I miss most now that my tall-skinny-dude obsession has been replaced by an attraction to the vastly-more-physically-comfortable boys who stand within four inches of my own height. I'm so envious of Yoko for those four seconds, and so psyched to read her book.
LJ: Real life is not Harry Potter. They look like weird freaks. Why are they wearing cloaks? Who's idea was it, to wear matching cloaks in the "Something" video? Was it John's? If my hypothetical Beatles- boyfriend ever asked me to wear matching cloaks with him, I'd punch him in the face and tell him to go read his fucking Neil Gaiman comics elsewhere.
FIRST RUNNERS UP: RINGO & MAUREEN
LIZ: If'n you're ever caught in rush-hour traffic on the Hollywood Freeway and bored outta your gourd, one fun way to pass the time is to go through all your ex-dudes and figure out who they'd be if they were Beatles. I did just that one night last week, and while I couldn't solve every boy-Beatle puzzle, I did work out that the biggest evilest life-destroyingest heartbreaker of the lot is a RINGO. "Well if that don't beat all!" I cried out, then tried not to crash my car as I illegally Twittered "Fell in love with a ringo" from my cell phone. But it's true; it's the truest truth. And maybe you'd think such a revelation might inject a little Ringo hate into my heart, but no: emotional banality is so not my bag. If anything, I love Ringo buckets more than I did last Tuesday, and my bruised heart thumps so hard when he and Maureen plow their motorbikes through the magic meadow. It's so sweet how they look kinda scared at first, and then everything turns out okay. Also I dig Maureen's eyeliner, a lot.
LJ: Maureen is so cool to me. She looks like trailer trash, but in a sexy way. She looks like the exact female equivalent of Ringo Starr, and it is making me really mad in my head right now, that their marriage ultimately failed and Ringo got re-married to a Bond girl. Of all the girls! A Bond girl. How cheap of you, Ringo. Every time I think about Ringo & Mo (as she was known colloquially), I think of the part in The Beatles by Bob Spitz where Mr. Spitz writes, "Maureen gave birth to a boy- "a little smasher," as Ringo dubbed him-..., whom they whimsically named Zak." I like how Bob Spitz injected a little bit of his own Beatles-opinions into that sentence ("Zak is such a whimsical name!"), but mostly, I'm so massively adorabled-out at the thought of Ringo calling his son a little smasher in his cute Ringoey "If a basset hound could talk" Ringo-voice.
In other news, I recently found out that Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay Loser are total besties with Jay-Z and Beyonce, to a point where "Apple" and "Moses" call Jay-Z "Uncle Jay." I hope the same is one day true of my own brood, and Jay-Z, but all this talk of basset hounds and whimsy is making me feel like I'll be one hell of a deadbeat dad if I don't hook my little smashers up with an "Uncle Ringo," too.
AND THE WINNERS ARE... PAUL & LINDA!
LJ: I feel like, if you were dating Paul McCartney, he'd go down on you a lot.
I'm sorry I just had to say that. I mean, I'm not that sorry. Mostly, I'm just sorry that, at some point this evening, Elizabeth Barker is going to log onto the Movable Type Publishing Platform, wondering "Hmm! What does Laura Jane have to say about Paul and Linda McCartney being the Cutest Beatles Couple?" and then she's going to see THAT. Meanwhile, Laura Jane is all "heh heh heh" laughing to herself, because she totally just blogged about Paul McCartney eating you out.
But seriously! Deep down, every woman knows that 75% of Paul McCartney's appeal can be attributed to how obvs it is that he'd totally McCartney the living McCartney out of cunnilingus. And that's so darling! Great work, Paul McCartney. My "Paul McCartney being good at cunnilingus" hypothesis is further proved by "something" that happens at precisely 2:00 into the "Something" video- it's that part where Paul, Linda, and Martha the Old English Sheepdog are hopping across the English countryside, and Paul is like ninety billion percent more into hopping than Linda, who's only even participating in Paul's bucoli-whimsical antics because she's married to him, and has to. No woman in the world would marry a dude who'd hop that wacko-enthusiastically across the English countryside unless he went down on her a lot, and rocked at it. WHAT DO YOU THINK, LIZ?
LIZ: Yes, Laura. Paul McCartney is absolutely the Mr. Pussy of the Beatles. You've hit the nail right on the head. And speaking of head, again, right now I really wish Less Than Zero and the life story of the Beatles were one in the same, just so that some vengeance-seeking coke dealer could trash Paul's flat and spray-paint on the walls: "PAUL GIVES GOOD HEAD. AND IS DEAD."
Or maybe I don't wish that; I don't know. What I do know is that, in addition to being totally boss at "chowing down on Georgia O'Keefe's inspiration*", Paul's probably a real good spooner. And a back-rubber. And I bet he's into eskimo-kissing and tickle fights, and giving zerberts. I also know that I'm 1,000 percent into Paul's wacko-enthusiastic hopping across the English countryside, along with that silly-billy waving thing he does at 1:03. Linda kinda overdoes the shyly-hiding-behind-her-hair bit, but it's still about 87 zillion times more endearing than Pattie Boyd's bullshit fake smile. In short, Paul and Linda = The Cutest Beatles Couple In All The Land. May the dappling sun shine on them forevs and evs.
*Seriously, isn't that the clunkiest euphemism you've ever heard? Check this site for more, including "sneezing in the cabbage," "mumbling in the moss," and "French kissing Mr. Lincoln."
Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, Crunk George Harrison, cunnilingus, emotional banality, George Harrison, Gwyneth Paltrow, Harry Potter, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Less Than Zero, Linda McCartney, Maureen Starkey, Pattie Boyd, Paul is Dead, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Uncle Ringo, Yoko Ono, zerberts
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16 Comments!!
Say something so insightful and witty, it will blow us away. (No pressure.)
Got something to say? We'd love to hear it! Name, email and "type in the weirdo drunken text" thingie are all required to comment; don't worry, we won't email you or anything, we just want to make sure you're not an evil spambot. Keeping in mind the good-times mentality we like to keep going here, we've worked hard to keep NOGOODFORME.COM as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, but insults/abuse/general bitchery are not tolerated. In other words, we put the smackdown on evil troll posts. If you want to be a hater, please go elsewhere. Now, as Salt 'N Pepa say, "Only the sexy people..."
I'm really into "growling at the badger", not to mention "Mouthlove," which is the name of the new band from 1998 I just formed with Tommy Lee
By Laura
on January 13, 2010 1:58 PM
Thank God for you guys! Your posts help me get through the day, whether they're funny or sad or somewhere in between.
By Suzanne on January 13, 2010 2:03 PM
I agree with this assessment 100%. Not just because I run this blog: http://fuckyeahpaulandlinda.tumblr.com/. You guys are awesome.
By Kristen on January 13, 2010 2:28 PM
ooh kristen i love your tumblr so much!
and thanks, suzanne! xo
By Liz
on January 13, 2010 2:36 PM
cool. i'm personally quite fond of 'facing the nation.'
i wonder if there's anyone whose punk name is Connie Lingus.
By Liz
on January 13, 2010 3:02 PM
thx so much kristen and suzanne!
Yeah, "facing the nation" is awesome. I genuinely think "going way down south in dixie" is kind of hot.
By Laura
on January 13, 2010 5:40 PM
MAYBE GEORGE AND PATTIE NEVER HAD SEX.
Thought the chaste little fifteen-year-old.
Oh wait!
By Clara the annoying fifteen-year-old on January 13, 2010 7:10 PM
paul and linda clearly; they're the only couple where you can truly sense a real, deep romance between them; i don't know, yoko and john gave me a bad taste. george and patti were adorable mostly for only reason being you could tell how in love george was. and george is cute. but paul and linda, definitely.
By brittney on January 13, 2010 7:15 PM
fave beatles couple: liz and LJ!!!
ok, ok...i like paul and linda.
i feel like i should say yoko and john, but for some reason i feel like it would be slightly excruz to be around them.
every dude i've dated is a george. BUT OF COURSE.
xo k.
By Kat
on January 13, 2010 7:34 PM
thanks, kat! :)
oddly i've dated many a george too...
By Liz
on January 13, 2010 7:49 PM
If Hot Sauce and Baby's Face never had sex, that's the coolest thing that happened in the entire history of the Beatles.
I had a really bad relationship with a Ringo once, but at least he was hot.
By Laura
on January 13, 2010 8:02 PM
what if you dated a paul who thought he was a john?
some of us have made that mistake.
By Ellen on January 13, 2010 11:56 PM
That is a very helpful warning, Ellen. We ALL thank you.
By Laura
on January 14, 2010 12:01 PM
i'd also advise staying away from dudes who aggressively assert that they're a john, especially when it seems like they're actually really boring. (super-obvious, but whatevs. from now on whenever that happens to me i'm going to shout "Methinks the lady doth protest too much!" in a bad upper-crusty accent. it'll be cool.)
By Liz
on January 14, 2010 1:15 PM
Dudes who think they are Pauls when they are actually Johns are kind of weird news too, because it means they are afraid to take ownership of their own insanity
By Laura
on January 14, 2010 1:28 PM
Wow! I enjoyed watching this video so much, it was so cute! And evocative of a feeling past and a mood so iconic it has been an inspiration for by young people and lovers for days ever since!
Paul is adorable. Ringo was looking winsome too, even with cigarette smoke (yuck). But the couple on my altar is John & Yoko.
By Micaila on January 15, 2010 4:01 AM