HEY YOU! NOGOODFORME.COM is now found at...NOGOODFORME.COM! You've stumbled upon our old mirror site instead. Please point your browsers to NOGOODFORME.COM instead and update your newsfeed to http://feeds.feedburner.com/nogoodforme/tYOS. Thanks and we shall see you at NOGOODFORME.COM!
Tuesday , December 14, 2010
nogoodforme ix: Our Dream Dinner Party Guests
In the Old Hollywood/flapper era, Anita Loos was a clever, sharp, funny screenwriter, novelist, columnist and general media personality. Most famous for her novel Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (which is satirically, comically brillsville, by the way), she was also known for her stylishness, her cosmopolitan lifestyle and her work ethic. She also uttered one of my most favorite quotations about fashion: "I've had my best times when trailing a Mainbocher evening gown across a sawdust floor. I've always loved high style in low company." She was proto-nogoodforme before nogoodforme.com was a twinkle in the bleak universe of the Internet, and I'd invite her to our dinner party as a kind of godmother to the nogoodforme troika. At our dinner party, she would dispense career advice to me, Liz and LJ, we'd talk about clothes and publishing, and she'd warn us to never ever marry a schizophrenic and let him manage our money. I need reminding sometimes, and Anita would be the good woman to do it. (Kat)
MARK E. SMITH
The most memorable dinner parties I've been to have had at least one semi-bananas element to them, whether it be narcotics, a duel or open, prolonged seduction. Mark E. Smith would bring the crazy to the nogoodforme dinner party in a big way. Judging from the scattered but brilliant wordplay of his lyrics, his cryptic interviews and his formidable extracurriculars (writing plays about Popes, acting in artworks, inexhaustably hiring and firing the Fall), he would have something interesting, if a little incomprehensible, to say. And as the night goes on and the wine flows, he would perhaps go crazy and rant and raconteur and probably go find a dowager to shout and shake his fist at. It would either be a disaster inviting Mark E. Smith to a dinner party, or a stroke of brilliance. Get the man a new business card: "Mark E. Smith, bringer of dinner party anarchy." (Kat)
Viggo fulfills the "hot older dude who is also intelligent, modest, well-spoken and non-creepy" quotient of our nogoodforme dinner party. Here are the questions I would ask Viggo Mortensen, who I would also want to sit next to at our dinner party:
What was it like being married to Exene Cervenka?
Did you keep your sword from The Lord of the Rings?
Can you buy me a horse?
And can I see your "Fellowship" tattoo? (Kat)
Oh, I'm sorry. Is that too obvious?
I've been pretty torn up over whether I should invite "Cartoon John Lennon" or "Wack Attack 1967 John Lennon on Acid" to my Imaginary Dinner Party, but in the end, I'm going to have to go with Wackadoodle LSD John, for obvious reasons, which are: 1) He's real, and 2) He'd "acid me out," which is like "smoking me out," only with acid. So that would be neat! We'd talk about the sky, and all the different colours it can be, and one of us would posit that the sky isn't real, and then the other one would argue that the sky is real, and then we'd compromise on the sky being time, and it would be HEAVY. "'Big Sky' by the Kinks is superior to 'Because' by the Beatles, as far as sky songs go," I would say, cheekily, to John Lennon. "Oh no you dih-in't!" John Lennon would rebut. "Bitch PLEASE!" I'd offer. And then I would have said "Bitch PLEASE" to John Lennon, and nothing could ever be bad again. (Laura Jane)
THE DUDE I STOOD IN LINE BEHIND AT THE VILLAGE MARKET THE OTHER NIGHT
Have you ever stood in line behind an attractive, well-dressed gentleman buying Orangina, nachos-ingredients, and ice-cream-sundae-ingredients (ONE OF WHICH WAS BLUEBERRIES), and thought "I could spend the rest of my life with you"? I have! Obviously*. Adding some serious non-insult to some serious semi-injury, he then proceeded to buy a pack of cigarettes! A smoker who likes nachos and ice cream sundaes? Are you kidding me? Those are, like, my three favourite foods! Upon his departure, he gave me a real whopper of a smile, which was undoubtedly meant to communicate, "Oh, girl buying three Ambrosia apples, chocolate-covered almonds, and a can of Diet Coke, I could really imagine you being the mother of my children." I caught the subtext; I'm no fool.
In the end, guess what I ended up saying to Mr. Nachos & Ice Cream Sundaes? If you guessed NOTHING, you're correct! You win NOTHING. But really, I should have ran after him, grabbed him by the tweed-coated shoulder, and breathlessly asked, "Would you like to attend the Imaginary Dinner Party I'm co-hostessing this Wednesday? You can totally bring your famous 'nachos made with pre-made Tostitos cheese sauce that is disgusting to me but I forgive you for liking it because you're cute'! Anybody who's anybody is gonna be there- John Lennon included." But I didn't. Instead, I went to the Wine Rack. And then I blogged about him. (Laura Jane)
*Though wouldn't it be weird if I hadn't? And that was just the "meeting a dude" situation of my screwy-yet-banal dreams? Well, it's not. The "meeting a dude" situation of my dreams involves a hat flying off my head, and a dog picking it up in his mouth. In a bizarre twist of fate, however, it does, involve homemade pico de gallo.
ANY, OR ALL, OF THESE WEIRD DUDES
These weird dudes are named "The Wuzzles," and I discovered them by Google Image Searching "disney animals" twenty minutes ago. Apparently these adorable freaks had their own television program in the 1980s, which Baby Laura totally missed the boat on. That's a shame, because it seems really up Baby Laura's alley. Clearly, my only opportunity to rectify this massive disservice I unknowingly performed against the Wuzzles is to invite them to my Imaginary Dinner Party. I'm ambivalent about the Wuzzles. The coolest one (the John Lennon of the Wuzzles, possibly) is Moosel, who is the moose/harp seal mash-up in front. According to Wikipedia, Moosel "has a vivid imagination, which makes him believe in monsters." I feel that. The obvious weak link of the group is Rhinokey, the doltish-looking monkey/rhino hybrid at far right. Rhinokey is a "fun-loving, happy-go-lucky prankster. He loves to play practical jokes, [but]... can be obnoxious," No fucking kidding. Ew. The rabbit/hippo one is also terrifying.
The Wuzzles would be really fun for John Lennon and I to interact with while we were "tripping." And then, in a classic Laura Jane display of "having personality traits akin to those of the girl from 'Girl' by the Beatles," I would spend the entire Imaginary Dinner Party ignoring Nachos/Ice Cream Sundaes, who'd leave early all wounded. The inability to comprehend why I would neglect him in the name of playing with a half-bumblebee/half-lion while on acid with John Lennon? DEALBREAKER. (LJ)
FAMOUS PEOPLE I HAVE (ALMOST) KNOWN
Apparently I didn't "get the memo" on how we're each supposed to invite only three guests to our imaginary dinner party. Or: I got it, but then forgot, and ended up inviting 12. Basically it's a bunch of cats I've interacted with in real life, sort of, and would now like to get to know a little better. The party will be lavishly catered by the taco truck that's always outside the Vons on Alvarado Street; the Elizabeth Barkers will flow like wine. Here's the guest list, plus a bit of our backstory:
1. KIEFER SUTHERLAND
Gave me grape juice once, in his kitchen.
2. MIRANDA JULY
Gave me lemonade once, in someone else's kitchen.
3. POLLY HARVEY
Told me I had warm hands. I was wearing furry baby-blue mittens.
Stood behind me in line at Whole Foods, where he was buying flaxseed oil.
5. MIKE WATT
We're Facebook friends. He addresses me as "Ms. Liz." Now no one else in the world is ever allowed to call me "Ms. Liz," cuz ONLY WATT CALLS ME THAT. Got it?
6. JULIAN CASABLANCAS
Reacted indifferently when I stuck my hand up his shirt at a show in December 2001.
7. IGGY POP
Reacted quasi-indifferently when I touched his bare stomach at a show in November 2003. (Do I sound like a creepy groper? I'm really not a creepy groper.)
8. CHARLES SMITH
Aka "Charliebro," aka "The Real Star of The Hills, After Enzo." The other day on Twitter I @-ed him and he @-ed me back and said nogoodforme.com is a "treasure" with "breathtaking synergy" - which it is! Charliebro totally gets us.
9. ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
I saw him once at Hungry Cat; we actually had zero interaction whatsoevs. I just wanted to invite him cuz I think it'd be cool to have Robert Downey Jr. at a dinner party - he'd talk a whole lot, and no one would understand most of what he was saying. I never understand what most of what he says. That's cool.
10. JOHN FRUSCIANTE
Was mean to me at Blonde Redhead show, even though I love him more than almost anything. I think it's time we work out our differences. Stop resisting, John!
11. MARY TIMONY
When I lived in Boston I used to go see her all the time, and a few times we chit-chatted. I miss that a lot. A while back I shared with you my fantasy of introducing Mary T. to John F. at a Fugazi Fan Club ice cream social, which I still think'd be really rad. When is the next Fugazi Fan Club ice cream social?
12. PAUL MCCARTNEY
I rescued him when his car broke down in Santa Monica last week, and as a thank-you he invited me to lunch at The Terrace with him and Ringo and Woody Harrelson. That's all a lie, but - as LJ asked in an email yesterday - what's a dinner party without Paul McCartney? I'd invite his 1970 self, because I need him to tell me what his five or six favorite records are right now. And by "right now," I mean "1970." Right now pretty much always means 1970 for me, FYI. (Liz)
Tags: Barker is bad at following directions, celebrities, Charliebro, creepy gropers, Enzo, Facebook, falling in love with strangers, flaxseed oil, Fugazi Fan Club ice cream socials, Iggy Pop, John Frusciante, John Lennon, Julian Casablancas, Kiefer Sutherland, KRS-One, Laura Loves the Beatles, lemonade, LSD, Mary Timony, Mike Watt, Miranda July, nachos, Robert Downey Jr., The Hills, the sky, The Wuzzles, Twitter
Share | | | |