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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
Kat & LJ Investigate: Is Astrology Real? (January 2010)
Kat Asharya and Laura Jane Faulds, intrepid astro-explorers and fellow Cancerians, continue in their joint mission to explore the ponderous and potentially life-shaking question of "IS ASTROLOGY REAL?" Vis-a-vis a side-by-side comparison of the vicissitudes of their lives next to the predictions of the ever-monolithic Susan Miller of astrologyzone.com, Kat & LJ have not yet drawn conclusions, despite two months of observation. Is Susan Miller full of shit? Does astrology work? In month three, will we pull more closely to a definitive answer? Read onwards, star children...
SUSAN MILLER SAYS:The December 31 / January 1 lunar eclipse will also help you update your self-image, especially if you have been seeing yourself in an outdated way.
LJ: Firstly: yes. Secondly...
Something that happened in 2009 was that Laura Jane from nogoodforme infamously recovered from anorexia on the Internet. It was hard for her, as she is me. I, and probably you, am (/are) unfortunately part of a deranged post-post-post-x-infinity-modern counterculture that fetishisizes the anorexic female body. I lived in that body for three years, and that body afforded me the right to self-identify as a Great Beauty of My Time. Maybe you're thinking right now this girl's a hyperbolic wackjob and that's not really how it is, but you know what? That's really how it is. I was sad and starving, but I was always "the prettiest girl in the room," and that feeling was addictive enough to keep me sick for as long as I was. I decided last November that I was sick of being hungry all the time, so I started eating, and then I gained a bunch of weight, and then I spent all December freaking out that no boy would ever like me again now that I'm no longer an emaciated mouse-elf Audrey Hepburn orphan boy beauty. In January I am OVER IT, and have also come to terms with the fact that I got a weird eye infection last September which has rendered my poor eyes allergic to mascara and contact lenses. So now I wear a size eight, and glasses, and that's me, and it's so good. Your hero John Lennon wore glasses too Laura JANE.
Kat: I have no idea what this means. I did buy some new clothes, though.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS:You will also get against-all-odds help from officials based in academia.
LJ: This is no way relates to me or my life. I threw it in because Kat goes to grad school, so I figured it will probably apply to her. Kat? Am I right?
Kat: This is so wrong that it isn't even funny. Officials in academia: YOU SUCK AND YOU ALMOST RUINED THE SHORT FILM I SHOT IN JANUARY. How much fucking money do I pay to you, Columbia University? And why is it SO GODDAMN HARD to shoot anything on campus?!!!!!!! Why the fuck do you have total wackjobs in charge of such complicated endeavors? REALLY, COLUMBIA, YOU ARE SUCH A GODDAMN SCAM!!!!!!
SUSAN MILLER SAYS:An outstanding day for fun and love, no matter what your marital status, will be when lovely Venus and surprise-a-minute Uranus combine energies on January 12.
LJ: There, Laura Jane. You did it. You posted a picture of yourself with a disgusting eye infection to nogoodforme.com. Congratulations! You are officially the least-vain person in the entire world. Anyway, my point here is that the above disgusting photo of my disgusting infected self was taken on January 12th. I think it's kind of a given that January 12th was NOT an outstanding day for fun and love. I'm also pretty disappointed that Susan Miller didn't predict the return of my eye infection. "Nice", Susan Miller. I also wanted to point out that, in the photo above, I wasn't even making that face to be funny or dramatic. It's just naturally where I was at.
Kat: Nothing happened on January 12 except that I had a production meeting and then saw a Werner Herzog movie. Maybe in my life those count as "an outstanding day for fun and love."
SUSAN MILLER SAYS:You will barely be done with your meditation about how you want your new life to look when a second eclipse - a major solar eclipse - will arrive on January 15. This one will shift your attention to a close partner.
LJ: January 15th, 2010 will go down in history as being the day Laura Jane sat around waiting for the cool Susan Miller-predicted thing to happen, listening to "Wait" by the Beatles. It was also The Day I Only Ate Cereal, and it was also one of the most important days of my life. The morale-destroying non-events that transpired on January 15th repositioned me to ride out a fifteen-day-long trajectory of self-exploration, chock-a-block with life-realizations and including, but not limited to, the following happenings: participating in The Karmic Dude Restoration Project, drunk-dialing George Harrison of the Beatles and then hanging up on him, the time that asshole called Paul McCartney a chump to my face, a hugely transcendent Stoned "Hello Goodbye" Headphones Walk, figuring out who my Ringo is, figuring out that I really need to stop being the dumbest fucking idiot in the world who is too busy worrying about George Harrison of the Beatles to even notice who her own fucking Ringo is, defining the literary symbolism of my red Canada Goose parka, changing my Facebook relationship status to "In an Open Relationship with Elizabeth Barker", eating a peanut butter dream bar (more like "peanut butter dream barf") from Mrs. Field's, the Ten of Cups, and, oh yeah, I kind of "found God", too, in my own special Laura Jane way. In conclusion: yes. It happened. She was right all along. Astrology is about as real as it gets.
Kat: Nothing happened on January 15th, but in the midst of pre-production whirlwinds, dealing with hateful and idiotic academic officials at the lame institution of Columbia University, and generally surviving the bowels of winter, my attention did indeed shift to a particular "close partner" in my life. Whatever brain I had left over from dealing with all the aforementioned stuff was indeed consecrated to questions of love and relationships and dudes and this beautiful trajectory through time and space and stars we call life...So Susan Miller, you seem to get the big stuff right, GO YOU!
SUSAN MILLER SAYS:You seem to be ready to conclude a major financial action or agreement at the full moon January 30.
LJ: Yeah, Susan Miller. It's called PAYING RENT.
Kat: Can I blame Susan Miller for the fact that my freelance clients are always paying me so goddamned late?
IN CONCLUSION: Susan Miller- you're damned good at what you do. You may have missed the mark on LJ's eye infection and the potential benevolence of academic officials, but when it comes to life-altering breakthroughs, you're yet to let us down. How do you do what you do to me, Susan Miller? I wish I knew. Since Susan Miller has called the shit out of every significant event that has happened to us since October 31st of last year, Kat & LJ have decided to call a spade a spade, believe in the cosmic wisdom of Susan Miller, and expand their astrological horizons over the course of the coming months. Next up: the Moonchildren tackle the hippy-dippy predictions of fellow Cancerian Rob Breszny. Stay tuned! To the sweet symphony of the Universe.
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