Thursday , June 17, 2010
nogoodforme ix: Beloved Odes to Female Independence
Fiona Apple, "Paper Bag"
WARNING: This song is NOT an ode to female independence. "Come and put a little love here in my void," begs Fiona. "I want him so bad oh it kills," Fiona continues, desperately. I like the part when she sigh-sings, "I thought he was a man but he was just a little boy," and you say "Oh Fi-OH-na!" in your head. You say, "It's just so hard, isn't it, Fi-OH-na?"
I'm here to tell you about a night I lived. This is the "female independence" part. Jenny left two bottles of Molson Stock Ale on my balcony and, because it is February, they stay ice-cold out there. There are so few types of beer in the world I'd even consider drinking; it all comes down to label design. I drank them. "I should download Fiona Apple's first two albums," I thought. Connect to my adolescent self. You need to do that sometimes. These songs are good. Jon Brion was so obviously the George Martin of the late 1990s. There are no downsides to having put that mirror up on my windowsill. I look at myself constantly. Give myself a wave and a wink. I thought I was done my beer but found out I wasn't, when I spilled it on myself. I wore platform sandals and a high-waisted pencil skirt and the hotter of my two red bras and watched myself sing Fiona Apple into my now-empty beer bottle. When you're cool, everything you do is cool. You can't do this kind of thing, when someone else is in the room. All women need to do this, though not necessarily with Fiona Apple. Anyone from Lilith Fair will do. Shawn Colvin, The Indigo Girls, Erykah Badu. Though not Sarah McLachlan. That's just fucking LAME. (LJ)
Salt-n-Pepa, "None Of Your Business"
Something I keep forgetting about myself is that Sandra "Pepa" Denton is my fucking hero."BE MORE LIKE PEP," I wrote, in orange pencil crayon, in my notebook. I'm trying. I'm trying really, really hard. We all need to be more like Pep. I'm iffy about Salt. She kind of creeps me out. She reminds me of a bull terrier. Also, by the time The Salt-n-Pepa Show rolled around, she'd found God and renounced her past awesomeness, so that's lame, Salt. The best thing to do is fast-forward "None Of Your Business" to 2:05, just in time for "Never mind who's the guy I took home... to BONE." And then it becomes Pep's part. Pep's beautiful, amazing, empowering, badass, cayenne pepper-soaked beautiful gorgeous miracle of a part. Maybe "SO, YO, SO-YO-HO" should be my next musician-worship-tribute tattoo. I think that Pepa and I should co-star in our own reality TV show, where Pep teaches me how to be cooler. Please forward this paragraph along to Pep, please. If you happen to know Pep. (LJ)
Jay-Z, "Can I Get A..."
I doubt Jay-Z set out to write "Can I Get A..." as an "ode to female independence," but it's certainly mine. At first, I listened to this song and told myself, "Don't date bitches who only love you for your futuristic flow and/or eight-figure paycheck," but then I realized that a more accurate "Can I Get A..."-specific meditation would be, "Stop needing bitches to love you for your futuristic flow and/or eight-figure paycheck." And that's the real glory of "Can I Get A..." and I's relationship. I know it's hard to believe that a woman who can flow so futuristic as I can may at some point in her life have maybe, possibly had some issues with needing bitches to tell me how futuristically I, you know, flow, but that's why Jay-Z exists. To help me solve all my problems.
PS: Wouldn't it be SO AMAZING if Jay-Z and Pepa collabo-ed on a song togeths? When I'm a famous Beatles writer, I'm going to use musicians that I respect and/or admire as pawns in the super-cool game that is my life. "Jay-Z! Pepa! Collaborate! NOW!" I'll say, and then they will. "Make it filthy! Say my name in it! Put in a Ringo Starr joke!" I'll request, and they will comply.They all will. "Matthew Friedberger! Get over here! Produce this shit! NOW!" I'll command. "DJ Dangermouse! Stop FUCKING AROUND, and make me a Salt-n-Pepa/Beatles mash-up called Salt-n-Pepa's Lonely Hearts Club Band!" "Jump, Jay-Z!" I'll say, and Jay'll say "How high, Laura Jane? HOW HIGH?" and I'll say "Ummmmm can you please leave me alone? I'm kind of busy right now? Eating dinner at Paul McCartney's house?" (LJ)
The Jimi Hendrix Experience, "Voodoo Chile"
If you're a boy-loving lady and you're in one of those rotten/glorious headspaces where you very much need to feel like you're waaaaaay better than some dude, like you could crush him with your bare hands if you wanted to, please please listen to this song instead of, say, "Single Ladies." Or, you know: don't. If "Single Ladies" works for you, then that's beautiful, and you should stick with it. But in general I'm just done with all single-lady anthems ever, cuz they bore me so bad it's like my eyeballs are gonna roll right outta my head and plop onto the ground and bounce straight into the gutter. I'd way rather pretend I'm teenage Tony Alva skating down a big hill in Santa Monica just before dawn on a school day, because that's exactly what happens in the opening credits of a movie directed by the woman who made Twilight, and the song playing is a blues version of "Voodoo Chile." Please let me never not choose that over the "Single Ladies" dance. PLEASE. (Liz)
Erykah Badu, "Tyrone"
That said, "Tyrone" by Erykah Badu never gets old. (Liz)
Prince, "Let's Pretend We're Married"
So, I didn't want to post "Let's Pretend We're Married." I wanted to post "D.M.S.R.," another track from the album 1999 by Prince, but stupid motherfucking Movable Type decided the goddamn file was too fucking big. Which made me want to murder, and murdering is wrong, so instead I listened to "D.M.S.R." five times in a row. In my estimation, these are the song's three most female-empowering lyrics:
-"Girl, it ain't no use/ You might as well get loose/ Work your body like a whore"
-"Never mind your friends/ Girl, it ain't no sin/ To strip right down to your underwear"
-"Do whatever we want/ Wear lingerie to a restaurant/ Policeman got no gun, you don't have to run!"
Just kidding, I guess. But "D.M.S.R." stands for "Dance, Music, Sex, Romance," which are four very vital things any lady can enjoy regardless of her relationship status. Once when I was very newly single I used to walk around all the time singing a few lines from "D.M.S.R." in my head, the ones that go: "I don't wanna be a poet/ Cuz I don't wanna blow it/ I don't care to win awards/ All I wanna do is dance/ Play music, sex, romance/ Try my best to never get bored." I actually do kinda wanna be a poet, and I wouldn't mind winning awards, but the rest is dead on. So I'd strongly advise you to go download "D.M.S.R." right now, if you don't already have it on your person, and always always always try your best to never get bored. But please don't listen to Prince about wearing lingerie to restaurants - that's so dangerous!
Anyway, "Let's Pretend We're Married" is inspiring in a real fun and dirty way too, partly cuz the complete lyric is "Let's pretend we're married and do it all night." The last eight lines are some of my favorite eight lines in all the world; they're about believing in god and being good at life and never acting the "double-drag fool," and they're always so clever at realigning me with My Soul's True Destiny and My Deepest Authentic Self and all that other important stuff it's easy to let slip in the bonkersness of everyday existence. And, as Charliebro once said: "You don't slip, you trip, you flip - just like pancakes." AMEN TO THAT, CHARLIEBRO. Amen. (Liz)
Neneh Cherry, "So Here I Come"
Neneh Cherry's Raw Like Sushi may be easily one of my Stealth Favorite Records of all time. ("Stealth Favorite Record" is defined by a record so integral to your construction as a human being that you take it for granted till you realize you've owned it in multiple formats and know every word and beat back and forth -- but because dudes at All Music and Pitchfork constantly overlook its genius, it is somewhat excluded from various canons of Official Best Records.) A few other Kat factoids about me and Raw Like Sushi: I did indeed own it in multiple formats, including a vinyl copy that an old boyfriend found for me in a flea market in London; I learned from reading the credits that Judy Blame was a stylist, and then I learned what a stylist was; I also learned what blue balls were from this song. And if all else fails, remember what Neneh says here: "If you wanna rock, you got to roll it / If you gonna live, you got to show it / And if you gonna do it, you got to do it right!" If that ain't a call to females-being-awesome-all-day-long, I don't know what is. (Kat)
Pebbles, "Mercedes Boy"
I was going to put Salt 'N Pepa's "Expression" but then I realized that I already put it in a previous HR. Then I thought of Missy Elliott's "I'm Really Hot," but I already put that as well. Then I toyed with the idea of putting Roula's "Lick It" because what's more awesome for women than cunnilingus? But I thought that was a bit much. What can I say? We're nogoodforme, we're already up on our odes to female empowerment! The byproduct of that, though, is that I'm left with excavating a forgotten 80s dance-pop gem from the vault of time and utilizing my lazy critical analysis skills to extrapolate how "Mercedes Boy" is a proto-feminist anthem. Female independence and empowerment in this song are conflated with having a sweet ride, leering at dudes and inviting them into your car for a good time. This was like the "Little Red Corvette" for preteen girls in 1987. On the one hand, you had Billy Ocean telling you to get out of his dreams and into his car, but on the other hand, you could always say, "Speak to the hand, Billy! I got me my own Mercedes! And you look like a stereo equipment saleman!" By the way, did you know that Pebbles created and managed TLC? "Ain't Too Proud To Beg," yo! Now she's a Christian minister, so who knows what dark paths vehicular sex will lead you to? (Kat)
Huggy Bear, "Her Jazz"
This riot grrrl anthem NEEDS NO EXPLANATION. (Kat)
Tags: BE MORE LIKE PEP, being awesome all day long, Charliebro, controlling famous musicians, cunnilingus, dance, drinking alone, dudes, Erykah Badu, Fiona Apple, Huggy Bear, Jimi Hendrix, Lilith Fair, music, Neneh Cherry, pancakes, Pebbles, preteen girls need sex-posi anthems too, Prince, Ringo, riot grrrl, romance, Salt-n-Pepa, sex, Tony Alva, vehicular sex
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Posted by Laura in nogoodforme IX |
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RIP Alexander McQueen...hoping you'll acknowledge his death with a few words
By d on February 11, 2010 1:14 PM
her jazz! I used to mix that with jungle to really freak out the dancefloor. hmmm.. maybe I need to learn to do a remix.. and bring that back.
By ripley on February 11, 2010 5:13 PM
Earlier, I was trying to get an feed for the RSS to the website & for some odd reason it isn't properly displaying in Google Chrome. Does anyone have any ideas?
By slab leaks on June 17, 2010 2:38 PM