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Tuesday , December 14, 2010

Liz and LJ Present...The Ultimate Beatles Dating Guide!

Isn't it so wonderful when you have a crush on somebody, and then you check your compatibility on the Susan Miller Matchmaker by Sign thing, and Susan Miller's all, "On this pairing I say yes, yes, yes!" and it's the most validating thing in the world?

Yes, yes, yes. As was discussed last Sunday, The Beatles Archetype Zodiac is the second-most important Zodiac in existence, after the regular Zodiac. So, if the regular Zodiac gets a Susan Miller Matchmaker by Sign thing, shouldn't the Beatles Archetype Zodiac get one too? Yes, yes, yes- or possibly "Yeah, yeah, yeah," to quote the Beatles. The first step toward divining your Beatles Archetype Compatibility Profile is figuring out your own Beatles Archetype Zodiac Sign. In case you don't know who the Beatles are, here's a little refresher course:

JOHNS are acerbic, idealistic wiseguys who, deep down, just, like, really need to be loved.

PAULS are cutesy, megalomaniacal pragmatists. Pauls are never wrong. According to Pauls.

GEORGES are studious and dreamy. They are often highly judgmental of Johns and Pauls.

RINGOS are fun-loving sweethearts who may or may not suffer from mild autism. "I'm just happy to be here!" say Ringos, about everything.

Cool! Get ready to find out whether you should break up with John, work it out with Paul, sleep with George, or hold hands with Ringo this coming Sunday. All you need is love, Dudes!

1. JOHN & JOHN: Johns shouldn't date Johns, Johns should marry Johns. For Johns, there is simply no other way. This is why John married Yoko. Because Yoko is a John. So, as Johns, let us all take our cues from actual John, marry Johns, and live the dramatic and unreasonable lives we so passionately crave in John-esque dissonance forever and ever amen. (LJ)

2. JOHN & PAUL: This is a delicate balance. The John/Paul pairing has the potential to be the most complex and fulfilling relationship of the entire Beatles Archetype Zodiac, but it will take a lot of work. The great paradox of the John/Paul romance is that the John will believe him or herself to be perfect and that Paul needs to change, and the Paul will think the same, only in reverse. Best case scenario: both the John and the Paul will learn a valuable lesson in humility, and together, the John and the Paul will attain a transcendent state of "Day in the Life"-like symbiosis. Probably not, though. (LJ)

3. JOHN & GEORGE: This is sort of like the time I was reading the Susan Miller Matchmaker by Sign thing, and I clicked on Cancer and Libra, and Susan Miller was all, "DON'T DO IT, LAURA JANE!!!" Which sucked, because Libras are kind of the hottest thing in the world to me, but I can't deal with their emotional detachment, and I only ever end up getting hurt. Same goes for Johns & Georges: DON'T DO IT, JOHNS!!! They will never see you. Johns & Georges should limit their romantic interactions to "darkly sexy trysts." Then, cut each other out of your lives forever, and don't look back. (LJ)

4. JOHN & RINGO: No. This can't happen. It's not fair to Ringos. The John will bleed the Ringo dry. Eventually, the John will realize that the Ringo's effervescence is only a Band-Aid solution for his or her deep-seated neuroses, and then the John will abandon the Ringo, robbing the Ringo of his or her innocence. The Ringo will emerge from this relationship weighed down by a hardened realism, and sadder-eyed. It will take a long time for the Ringo to bounce back. (LJ)

5. PAUL & PAUL: Paul & Linda = Paul & Paul, so yeah: this can happen, and beautifully. "The proof is in the almond-milk agave-nectar-sweetened brown-rice pudding," as they say. The only thing that troubles me is the likelihood of Paul and Paul perpetually attempting to outcharm each other, which could get old - albeit probably only for those who have to witness that unending display of saccharinity, so who cares? Let them roll their eyes and make that finger-down-the-throat gesture anytime we turn our backs! We Pauls are so immune to your sneering scornful ways. Ha! (Liz)

6. PAUL & RINGO: Oh, this should work. It must work. It does work! I'm a Paul and I want a Ringo, and I want our entire relationship to be exactly like 3:53 to 4:51 of this clip from Let It Be. Each morning we'll greet each other with jolly cries of "Good morning, Paul!" and "Good morning, Rich!", head on over to the baby grand to pound out a jolly tune together, and then my Ringo will do a jolly little tap dance. And then he'll make us a jolly breakfast, and I'll jollily eat it. Perfect! Jolly good indeed. (Liz)

7. PAUL & GEORGE: No. A Paul-George pairing may start off hot and lovely, but ultimately it'll end up exactly like 5:23 to 6:58 of that same Let It Be clip, with the Paul needling the hell out of the George, the George whining his pretty head off, the Paul fake-apologizing for being annoying, and the George sweeping it all under the rug with a bit of cutely passive-aggressive insincerity. I KNOW BECAUSE I'VE LIVED IT, more times than I care to recall. So if "A Lifetime of Mutual Annoyance" is what you're after, then a Paul-George union is just the thing for you. (Liz)

8. GEORGE & GEORGE: A placid and unwavering union, as true as the ocean itself. The type of couple who play candlelit Scrabble, drink Merlot, and don't own a television set. They will be the stern parents of future diplomats. (LJ)

9. GEORGE & RINGO: While hooking up with a Ringo could be quite liberating for a George, I find that most Georges tend to be distrustful of Ringos' obviously totally benevolent goofballness. Like, you'll be trying to set some George dude up with a really hot Ringo chick and he'll be all, "Yeah, Ringo's cool, she's just kinda berserker," and then almost knock over your beer while doing some overly complicated yoga pose to stretch out his back. But if the George can loosen up a little, in a non-yoga kind of way, maybe some groovy Ringo action would turn him into Shoulder Shimmy George 24-7. That could be sweet, although maybe not for George himself. Maybe all non-Georges should just leave all Georges alone, from now and till forever. Yes, let's. (Liz)

10. RINGO & RINGO: Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. The most kooky-adorable pairing ever possible. When Double Ringo walks into a party, everyone cheers and hollers and maybe even goes "Ohhhhh, SHIT!" and then dies of joy, such is the epicness of Double Ringo's fun-loving ways. And it's even better when Double Ringo's hosting the party, cuz their flat's permanently decked out in tiki decor and they serve really elaborate fruity cocktails and will probably make you do the limbo and it's actually really awesome. Now I kind of wish I could surgically alter my soul and become a Ringo, all for the purposes of entering a Ringo-Ringo romantic relationship. So if you know of any spiritual surgeons specializing in the alteration of divinely assigned Beatles archetypes, do give me a shout. (Liz)

Tags: astrology, Barker loves the Beatles, dating, dudes, George Harrison, girls, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, love, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Scrabble, Susan Miller, Valentine's Day, vegan pudding, yoga

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