Saturday , June 26, 2010
All-Time Top 5 Reasons Why The Ewoks Totally Outcool The Na'Vi
So the other night I saw that movie Avatar, which cost me $18.50 plus three life hours that I can't ever get back no matter how hard I try. Then yesterday I called Wapner and was all, "Dude, Avatar, WTFuck?" and he kind of concurred but then made the point that James Cameron did a good job of creating a culture, which isn't easy to do. But I don't think that's true! I think James Cameron just kind of ripped the Na'Vi off from the Ewoks, an infinitesimally cooler alien species who also live in trees and use archery to battle scary machines. To that end, here's five very key reasons why EWOKS BEAT NA'VI, forever and ever.
I. THEIR LANGUAGE IS WAY NEATER. As far as I can tell, most of the Ewok language is made up on monosyllabic words ending in "ub," which is probably the best way any monosyllabic word could ever end. There's "chub," "scrub," "dub," "flub," "hub"..."cub"! "Cub" is the most adorable word in all the world, maybe. "Pub" and "rub" are chill, too, I guess, although "nub" makes me uncomfortable. And the other day I came across this quote from P.D. James, reading: "We who write in English are fortunate to have the richest and most versatile language in the world. Respect it." Can not the same be said of those who write in the Ewokian language?
II. THEY'RE SASSY! When you fuck with the Na'Vi, they hiss like bitchy cats and then whine a lot about trees. Ewoks, on the other hand, will cook you up over a campfire and then play drums on your decapitated head! When I was five, I wanted so badly to fall off my speeder bike and then wake up lost in the woods of Endor, only to get adopted into a tribe of sassy little teddy-bear-looking chubsters who would make me their queen and all of a sudden I'd have cool warrior-princess clothes and complicated braids. I still wish this, sometimes.
III. THEY BASICALLY INVENTED ANIMAL COLLECTIVE. You know how everyone/AllMusic.com thinks Animal Collective are so influenced by Vashti Bunyan and Syd Barrett and the Boredoms and the Beach Boys? I'd argue that their number-one influence is actually the Ewoks' victory song from the final scene of Return of the Jedi. It's such a hot jam; I listened like 27 times yesterday and maybe I'll play it 27 more times today."The Purple Bottle" just pales in comparison.
IV. SAM WORTHINGTON IS CRAZY-HOT. That doesn't really have anything to do with anything, but it's the only element of Avatar I found even remotely life-enriching, so it seemed worth mentioning here.
V. EWOKS ARE WAAAAAY BETTER DANCERS. As Stephanie Zacharek observed in her totally right-on Salon.com review of Avatar, the Na'Vi's ritual dance "looks an awful lot like a Beverly Hills yoga class." But the Ewoks know how to get down. Look at Billy Dee Williams trying to keep up with them, in that clip up there. Dude so can't compete.
Tags: Animal Collective, Avatar, Billie Dee Williams, dancing, Ewoks, language, Nerd Barker, Return of the Jedi, Sam Worthington, Star Wars, Syd Barrett, the Beach Boys, the Boredoms, Vashti Bunyan, warrior princesses, yoga
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Posted by Liz in All-Time Top 5 |
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If I learned anything from Total Godhead, it's that the Ewoks suck.
The Na'Vi just happen to suck a little harder, plus haven't yet been flushed through the soft lens of nostalgia.
By Masonic Youth on March 1, 2010 4:57 PM
if i learned anything from Total Godhead, it's that the guys on staff there were superhot, especially Crazy Casino Mike.
ewoks rool, mason drools
By Liz
on March 1, 2010 5:11 PM
yeah this is straight brilliant
By Laura
on March 1, 2010 7:17 PM
This shit is hilarious, and so, so, SO unbelievably true.
By chelsea on March 2, 2010 12:17 AM
Hi i like this
this is my funny.
my english is not good. for its i cant write good. i want to use this text in my website can i use? oyun indir if you give permisson me i will happy.
Again thank you
regards
By oyun indir on June 7, 2010 11:33 PM