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Tuesday , December 14, 2010

DO AS I SAY: You Shouldn't Take Acid Until You're At Least Twenty-One

Welcome to DO AS I SAY, the wackiest advice column on the entire Internet. If you are in need of guidance from a badass but totally wise retard with a weird perspective on things, I encourage you to please forward your complaints to LAURAJANEFAULDS AT GMAIL DOT COM. Thanks to everybody who's written in already! I will solve all your problems in due time.

Dear Laura Jane,

I'm not at all like most people my age (which is fourteen). And I just keep wondering, am I ever going to fall in love or start a band or do anything exciting even if I keep being myself? I guess I am a little weird, and spacey (my sister says ditsy) but I don't think that's so bad. Maybe it's everyone else that's the problem. Anyway, will there ever be a time when I will hold hands on a trampoline with a boy who plays saxophone while 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' blares in the background? What am I supposed to do? Do you think I should take acid? And is it worth it to become a Normie Bitch in exchange for popularity?

1. "Am I ever going to fall in love?"

Yes.

2. "Am I ever going to start a band?"

I don't know. Are you musically talented? If not, probably not. If yes, probably. If "kind of"- definitely.

K Baby- if there's one thing I know about being a "creative type" in your early twenties, it's that 90% of all the people I know are in bands. The sad truth: 90% of those bands fucking blow, and every time I go out to see one of them, I want to rip all the hair out of my skull, and then I walk home real fast and listen to the Beatles on headphones in the comfort of my own bedroom, where I don't have to lie to dumbasses about how sick their shitty band is. Chances are, if you're questioning the things you're questioning at fourteen years old (as I was, "when I was your age"), you're going to grow up to be equally unimpressed and dissatisfied by your peer group. In ten years' time, you'll be like "Fuck bands. Bands are for fucking losers." Unless, of course, you're a musical genius, in which case you're pretty much set, you know?

3. "Am I ever going to do anything exciting?"

Yeah, you'll do tons of exciting shit. But once you've done it, you won't think it's exciting anymore. So that's either awesome or lame. I can't really figure it out right now.

4. "Maybe it's everyone else that's the problem."

No, it's not everybody else that's the problem, but it's also not "you." The "problem," in life, is actually just wasting your precious time thinking sentences like "Maybe it's everyone else that's the problem." Recently, somebody told me some quote some writer (Henry Miller, possibly?) once said, which is something along the lines of that if you want to put your entire lifespan into proper perspective, you need to consider it in terms of how many summers you have left. I'm about to turn twenty-five, which, realistically, means that I probably have around fifty summers left to live. Fifty summers? Honestly? Not enough summers. I want a thousand more summers, but I can't get them. I get fifty, or possibly even less, and do I really want to spend my fifty precious summers sitting around wondering what the "problem" is? Fuck it. There is no problem. You're cool. You're so fucking cool that you're into cool shit like Joy Division and nogoodforme.com when you're four-fucking-teen. Enjoy it.

5. "Will there ever be a time when I will hold hands on a trampoline with a boy who plays saxophone while 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' blares in the background?"

No. In real life, you'll just make out. Saxophones suck, besides. But I think it's safe to say that if you want to make out to "Love Will Tear Us Apart" at some point in your life, you totally will. But probably in a year from now you'll think "Love Will Tear Us Apart" is lame. I recommend the Anthology version of "Helter Skelter," or maybe "White Light/White Heat" by the Velvet Underground, or maybe "A Quick One (While He's Away)" by the Who, although, now that I think about it, the "My name is Ivor/I'm an engine driver" part would probably kill the mood, for most dudes who are fourteen.

So that's my real advice for you, here: if you meet a fourteen-year-old dude who can kiss the living daylights out of you to the "My name is Ivor" part of "A Quick One"- BRO'S A KEEPER.

6. "What am I supposed to do?"

CELEBRATE YOURSELF.

You only get to be fourteen once. People who aren't fourteen are really jealous of people who are, because most people waste being fourteen on being boring and retarded. Don't do it!

CELEBRATE YOURSELF.

7. "Do you think I should take acid?"

Personally, I didn't take acid until I was fifteen seventeen nineteen twenty-one.

Twenty-one years old. Don't take acid until you're at least twenty-one. If you take acid when you're fourteen, it'll fuck you up forever. But I'm not going to explain why, because I don't want to be patronizing.

So maybe, think about life this way: only seven more years until it's time to take acid!

That's exciting. So cool. Now you have something to live for!

PS: It's smartest to take acid in the summertime.

8. "And is it worth it to become a Normie Bitch in exchange for popularity?"

No.

9. IN CONCLUSION:

If there's one person in the entire world who understands how much it fucking blows and is isolating to be a cool fourteen year old in a world full of lame fourteen year olds, it's Laura fucking Jane fucking Faulds. But I'm gonna give it to you straight here- it never gets better. All the lame fourteen-year-old losers you're surrounded by today are simply going to grow up to be lame eighteen-year-olds, and then they'll be lame twenty-five-year-olds, and, chances are, they're going to keep on being lame forevs. So, really, your only best bet is to hang on to the people who are cool when you find them, because, if you haven't yet, you will. I can promise you that, at least.

My best friends today are the same best friends I had when I was your age. When I was fourteen, I couldn't appreciate them the way I do now. They didn't love the Beatles the way I did, and they'd never heard of Grand Royal Records (Google it). They weren't writers like I was, and they didn't have pink hair or candy necklaces or Geek Boutique pants (Google them), and that pissed me the fuck off.

But, in ten years' time, you'll realize that none of that shit matters at all. I mean, it kind of matters. It's nice, of course, when I come across another human being who's heard of a song called "Donovan's Colours" by Van Dyke Parks, or knows snippets of Beatles Anthology commentary off by heart. But, at the end of the day, what really matters is having people in your life who love you for who you are, and vice versa. For instance, one of my very best friends in the entire fucking Universe, the "Great George Harrison of my Life," if you will, designs CEO salary payment incentive plans, or something, for a living. Do you have any idea how fucked up and lame I think that is? Very.

But it doesn't matter, at all. Celebrate yourself for being nontraditional, for caring about something more than simply what's been offered to you. But at once, celebrate every person you ever meet who merits any sort of celebration at all whatsoever. And actively, vocally, celebrate those people, to their faces.

Do that, and never listen to anybody. Never ask anybody else for advice, ever again. Do whatever the fuck you want, and never look back. Make mistakes, and make them grand. I'd rather have tinnitus today, than to never have listened to all that music really loud at all. QED motherfuckers

Tags: being fourteen, DO AS I SAY, Grand Royal Records, Joy Division, Laura Jane Faulds, LSD, the Velvet Underground, the Who, tinnitus, trampolines, Van Dyke Parks

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