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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
the NOGOODFORME Guide to Picking Up Girls
(Some dudes we'd like to get picked up by. L to R: Spock, John Cale, Peter Wolf of the J. Geils Band)
SAY HELLO, DUH
Awhile this dude was telling about about some "pick-up artist" (or something like that) who basically taught men how to hit on women. His name is Neil something? (Neil Strauss.) Anyway, apparently one of these tricks was this thing of hitting on a girl's friend to make the girl you're actually interested in jealous. Or something like that. It doesn't matter what the particulars are, because this is the stuff that makes the invention of the slang term "douchebag" a total necessity. Dudes, if you are reading this, PLEASE don't listen to this vagina repellent. It might work on femmebots who clog up the Meatpacking District on a Friday night, and hey, if that's your type, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU READING NOGOODFORME? But if you're into a cool, smart, hot girl (who sees through this shit in a second), then a basic "Hi" followed by a genuinely interested question about the book we're reading/magazine we're carrying/notebook we're scribbling in/whatever often works. Sounds simple, but it does work. (Kat)
BE UNEXPECTEDLY GALLANT
Okay, here's an assignment for you guys: sit down at a bar or a cafe or whatever and watch men walk into a room. Chances are, the vast majority of them are completely oblivious to the presence of other people around them. They stop in the middle of foot traffic flow, they bump into smaller human beings, they talk loudly without regard to the annoyance levels of other people around them--they basically have the manners of alpha-Neanderthals. These are basically most normie dudes, so you can distinguish yourself from this unfortunate horde by being delightfully courtly and considerate. Manners are a vastly underrated item in a dude's hotness arsenal, so if you're looking for a chance to be romantically opportunistic, you wouldn't do so bad to pick up a lady's morning coffee or let her stand with you behind the soundboard when the Phalanx of Tall Lanky Dudes inevitably lines up in front of her at a show. (That's how I met one of my favorite boyfriends ever, and I was muy impressed by such consideration.) (Kat)
COMPLIMENT A GIRL ON HER ACCESSORIES
I've actually coached many a dude friend on this, but you know why girls like crazy shoes, quirky bags and big earrings? It's because these things are designed to be noticed, and A+++++ to a usually oblivious dude who notices this stuff. Accessories are generally a safe way to remark on a lady's person--shoes are really good to say something on, as well as jewelry. Unless it's a band t-shirt, I'd avoid complimenting a girl on clothes, like her dress or (even worse) anything on her ass. It just makes you seem like someone who stares at women's bodies in a weird indirect way. And maybe you are, of course, but that's kind of creepy to lead off with in your meet-cute interaction, unless you're super-hot, and even then, it's a stretch. (Kat)
LIGHT MY CIGARETTE IN YOUR MOUTH FOR ME
Look, you have a crush on me. Why the fuck should I have to light my own cigarette? That just doesn't make any sense. Do you have any idea how hard I work, in life? Really hard. Give me a break, literally. Bonus points if you also put my lit cigarette in my mouth. Pretend I don't have hands. (Laura Jane)
DON'T TRY AND IMPRESS ME WITH YOUR "COOLNESS RESUME"
Because it's not going to work. I am unimpressable. When I meet you, I don't want to hear you list off bolded points from your "coolness resume." Why do people have to have coolness resumes? It's such a big part of dating in 2010, and it's so uncool. Coolness resumes are chock full of boring and pointless information I don't care about such as: a semi-whimsical and poorly-executed description of the (weak) concept driving your rock band, worst-case-scenario segueing into some drivel regarding "your musical influences" (No musical influences. Never tell me your musical influences.), and just all the normal garbage that makes me want to walk home quickly and swear off men forever: who you know and where you go and bad art and how hard you partied last night. How hard you partied last night- that one's the worst. I am so turned off by the contemporary impulse to try and encapsulate everything notable you've ever done/ all of your most captivating personality traits within the first four minutes of meeting someone you find somewhat attractive at a bar. Let's just talk about what we did today and share funny anecdotes from our respective adolescences and discuss what foods we like to eat and what zodiac signs we are. I will figure out that you are cool in the long-run if I like you. (Laura Jane)
Good listeners are where it's at. True story: the only thing better than a good listener is a great listener. I'm talky, you know? I'm a loudmouth and chatterbox and I have a real great arsenal of slammin' anecdotes, and I like telling them to people. Inasmuch as I'll never bore your face off with my coolness resume, it's inevitable that I'll be the one doing most of the talking, because that's just how I roll, like a big talky talker. So that's why I want a great listener: because I'm a great talker, and great relationships are all about balance. But this is not to say that my great listener can't be a great talker also. Actually, I find that us great talkers tend to be some of the best listeners around, because chatterboxes understand how annoying it is when they are brilliantly chatterboxing and the other person is either staring vacantly into space or waiting for you to take a breath so they can chatterbox cockblock you. No chatterbox cockblockers allowed! Not with this girl. (Laura Jane)
BE WILDLY ORIGINAL WITH YOUR PICKUP LINES
Some cool lines I've heard in my life:
-"What is this, a babe convention?" (spoken by some Norm McDonald clone, to a group of my friends as we stood around a jukebox)
-"Hey gorgeous, wanna kill some zombies tonight? Just you, me, and a machete." (actually kinda scary)
-"HI I'M ON ECSTASY!!!! You know why I love you? Cuz you got great teeth, and I love blondes!" (actually also scary)
-"Hey, Reputa the Beauta, flip me down your hair and lemme climb up the ladder of your love!" (actually from a J. Geils song)
-"If I had a peppermint, I'd give it to you." (actually spoken by a five-year-old)
-"Is that a costume, or you just always this adorable?" (it was Halloween, and somehow totally non-cheesy, and the only line here that actually worked)
Once, some guy tried to hit on my friend and opened with "What kind of crackers do you like in your soup?", which beats all the above with a big ol' bat. Another time, this boy came up to me at a bar and said: "I just wanted to say hi to you before I left." "How nice!" I thought. "How simple, how straightforward." I like simple and straightforward. So go with that one, or the Reputa the Beauta thing. (Liz)
BE WILDLY UNORIGINAL WITH YOUR PICKUP LINES
Corniness is so my bag, and I'd be stoked as all get-out if some dude ever used one of the following lines on me:
-"Are you an overdue book? Because you've got FINE written all over you!"
-"Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!"
-"You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!"
See, they're are all literary! Although that last one's pretty atrocious and makes zero sense. (Liz)
AND HERE'S SOME ASSORTED DOs AND DON'Ts
-DO smile and ask questions and buy me a beer and be wildly funny in a non-show-off-y kind of way and don't ever try to prove to me how goddamn clever you are: it's unbecoming and makes me feel like you either kinda hate yourself or are secretly d-u-m.
-DON'T be a creepy starer. (Eye contact is hot; stalkers are not.)
-DO OWN YOUR DUDENESS! My friend Michaela and I invented this concept a few weekends ago; it's about how dudes should be dudes and not whiny little girly-man loser babies. More on that later, but for now I'll just say that it's hot when dudes can hold their liquor and like rock music and smell good and dress effortlessly foxy and have casually impeccable yet dudely manners. Is that a tall order?
-DON'T shit-talk (anyone, ever). "Unbecoming" x infinity
-DO fall off your skateboard and land at my feet. (It works; it's worked.)
-DON'T crack jokes about your own physical shortcomings. In general, don't hate yourself. It's so icky! Sheesh! (Liz)
Tags: babe conventions, books, chatterbox cockblockers, chatterboxing, coolness resumes, crackers, dudes are so hot, good manners, Halloween, holding your liquor, listening, Peter Wolf, pickup lines, Reputa the Beauta, skaters are hot, smoking
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