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Tuesday , December 14, 2010
"SONIKKK HATE," by Laura Jane Faulds & Chelsea Fairless Six Years Ago
When I was nineteen years old, I lived in an apartment by the White Castle on Metropolitan Avenue in Brooklyn with Chelsea, who grew up to write the killer blog Cat Party, and our beloved friend Neil Aspinall. The three of us spent the bulk of our time getting stoned, watching Mo Rocca's short-lived reality TV show Things I Hate About You on DVR, eating White Castle emotionally, hating our lives, listening to "Vertigo" by U2, playing with these Bratz dolls we bought, hating Ronald Reagan, and obsessively hating Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon with the fire of a thousand suns.
In today's nogoodforme Snapshot, I mentioned that Kim Gordon and I once bitch stared each other down in the Prince Street J.Crew, which was instigated by how, at the time, my entire existence was defined by my ideological issues with Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore. Asked nogoodforme reader Amy, What ideological issues did you have with Gordon/Moore? I then proceeded to dig up my notebook from Fall 2004, where I came across a thirteen-page-document entitled "SONIKKK HATE: Evidence," which more than explains my Gordon/Moore-related ideological issues of yesteryear. I am now going to type out the entire piece, because it's fucking brilliant.
NOTE: THIS WORK DOES NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT MY PRESENT OPINIONS ON THURSTON MOORE AND KIM GORDON; IT IS THE WORK OF TWO DELIRIOUS AND HATEFUL TEENAGERS FROM THE PAST. I AM REPRODUCING IT BECAUSE IT IS HILARIOUS. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE COMMENTS ARGUING ABOUT HOW THIS LIST IS STUPID AND OFFENSIVE BECAUSE I KNOW IT. THAT IS EXACTLY WHY IT IS BRILLIANT. I LIKE THURSTON AND KIM SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT EXPLAINING WHY I SHOULD PLEASE.
-In a 1993 interview, Kim Gordon specifies "judgmental people" and "hypocrits [sic]" as 2 of her dislikes. Though her commitment to the infantile Sonic Youth aesthetic may prevent her from acknowledging as such, may we remind Ms. Gordon that H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E is spelled with an E and apparently also with a K-K-KIM
-Kim Gordon is a "self-proclaimed pseudo sex symbol" God how cocky can you be
-Kim Gordon is aging in the same way as Iggy Pop (key words: sinewy, leathery etc)
-OK Sorry the Strokes aren't cool enough for you (although they didn't use to be so lame in fact you losers thought they were cool (or should I say kool) enough to call a song "Sonic Youth Says Hello To The Strokes" but OHHHH They're so corporate now...) At least the Strokes aren't PRETENDING like you KKKim
-Sonic Youth should be FORCED to listen (REALLY listen) to Velvet Revolver's Contraband
-Thurston Moore will never be as 1) Talented 2) Cool or probably even 3) Smart as <3Slash<3
-Sonic Youth: we fucking challenge you to write a song as good as "Welcome to the Jungle" or even "Machinehead." Or Fucking PIANO MAN. If you're gonna dish it out you better be able to take it. Actually fuck- write a song as good as "Hard to Explain" by the Strokes for that matter.
-Why can't you be as chill as Missy Elliott MJB (Mary J Blige <3) and Ciara???
-Sonic Youth promote a subverted version of authority ("First Couple of Indie Rock") that OPPRESSES THE OPPRESSED
-Oprah & Gayle are WAY cooler!!!!
-They hate fun.
-Teenage Riot- YEAH RIGHT
-Kim is so "above" being a "woman in rock"
-Kim is a crappy feminist
-Why can't they at least stop at music? No they have to inflict their bad art and kinder level poetry on us too
-They like to go into Kim's & Other Music just to watch everybody cream their pants
-Okay is it really necessary to play at Tonic like every fucking night??
-Fuck that bullshit with DJ Olive
-"We Are The Princesses" is the Dumbest song I've ever heard
-Daydream Nation is such crap compared to SIXTEEN STONE
-T&K(KK)- how can you discipline a child (Coco) when you make such undisciplined music.
-They are not capable of writing a pop song even if they wanted to (PROOF: Sonic Nurse, they tried & failed)
-NYC Ghosts & Flowers is such a joke. Pitch Fork [sic] Media gave it a 0.0--- HARSH!!!!!!
-Only good thing about them is their comprehensive website (more shit to hate on)- however, it is only so that they can ram their "kool"ness down insecure teenagers' throats
-Thurston Moore is aging creepily/poorly
-Thurston & Kim's marriage has only been sustained by how they SHIT TALK everyone because EVERYONE is lame.
-Coco is an art project.
-Thurston Moore is a RICH WHITE MAN, straight up
-Coco Hayley GORDON Moore- Hey Thurston just because Kim's last name comes first, this does NOT make you a feminist.
-YOU EXPLOIT KAREN CARPENTER'S ANOREXIA!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES???
-Stop hiding your lame adolescence and trying to re-live it coolly. Seriously just STOP.
-Okay you were seriously thinking of covering the entire White Album? Like are you fucking kidding me? Do you think you could IMPROVE it???? If so you are DELUSIONAL
-They even make us fuck up school because we are too busy talking about how horrible they are to do our homework
-Coco's self-esteem is even lower than that of millions of Sonic Youth fans
-Thurston to Kim: "Coco's so lame."
Kim to Thurston: "Yeah, she's so corporate"
Thurston to Thurston: "Like oh my God Kim's so lame."
-GEFFEN- Nuff said.
-Last tour sponsored by none other than KKKLearchannel, nice one assholes.
-Thurston & Kim are so stupidly indifferent/apathetic about everything, even the things they love most- GUYS ARE YOU INDIFFERENT ABOUT COCO??
-EXCLUSIONARY
-FUCK DISSONANCE
-They probably think as lowly of Bono as they do of poor Coco.
-How can you raise a child if you can't even spell "your"? OK WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH "YR"? I never want it to be used again unless used ironically to dis Thurston & Kim
-We liked Sonic Youth as teenagers because we were insecure. We thought we were lame. Thurston & Kim thought (think) so too. But all we wanted was for them to think we were cool. I wish I could go back in time and give 15-year-old Laura a hug and throw out Goo.
-KIM GIVING BIRTH= THE MOST AGGRO EVENT EVER LITERALLY
-Kim would be so aggro to get high with.
-Maybe Thurston Moore is impotent... I hope so.
-WE'RE GONNA CALL CPS ON YOU MOTHERFUCKERS
-At least Bush (<3Gavin Rossdale<3) make guitars sound GOOD.
-You are BULLIES. You latch onto young people (ex. The Liars) and bully them into being your friends. The Liars have already been brainwashed by Kim & Thurston for years into thinking they are cool so then they try and capitalize on that "cool"ness (NOT!!!!) because they are unpopular & poor. So, then the Liars (ex.) get more popular/respected and then people think Sonic Youth are cooler because of their exclusive relationship (ex. NIRVANA) but then if the band ever does ONE lame thing even (especially) if it is tiny and irrelevant, Thurston & Kim will cast them aside like it never happened (ex. THE STROKES) and will also shit talk them nonstop
-Poor Coco must hear Thurston & Kim shit talking people so out of hand much. No child should be exposed to that kind of negativity!!!
-Coco can come to our apartment anytime she wants if she ever needs to go some place where she won't feel judged.
-Why the fuck did they make her sing a Yoko Ono "song" on Goodbye 20th Century?? It was obviously against her will (Yeah guys I guess Coco's just too LAME to love avant fuck experimental bullshit at age six...). Oh right because she is an art project.
-"The Pixies always seemed a little... collegiate to me. Kurt was always listening to them when we toured with Nirvana, we were like what is this? God! (laughs)" -Thurston Moore
Okay. Okay. HOW FUCKING SOULLESS CAN YOU BE??? Kurt Cobain is DEAD. He KILLED HIMSELF. Yet still he cannot escape your constant fucking judgment. God the Pixies (and Nirvana) are 10000000000000 x better than you will EVER be. They write SONGS, not BULLSHIT. Thurston & Kim you were probably so fucking condescending to Kurt Cobain. You probably treated him like such a child- yet he just LOVED you, worshipped you even. You are just MEAN assholes- bad people. I'm sure he felt REALLY supported by you. All he wanted was for you to hear the Pixies the way he heard them, and even ten years after his SUICIDE you are still making fun of him.
-Sonic Youth have been dangerously obsessed with infantilizing themselves since the late 1970s. Subject Mr. Arto Lindsay (et al...) to band literature and PROPAGANDA executed w/ the craftsmanship of a five year old child. We suspect that this desire can be attributed most prominently to Gordon & Moore's feelings of inadequacy towards their own adolescences, and have THUS spent their entire adult lives trying to re-live their unsatisfactory (and GOD FORBID- uncool) adolescences.
-HEY THURSTON. This is a wake up call to you and your dumb fucking aggro wife, KIM. I hate everything about you. You think you're so progressive but all you are is a Rich White Male- you can't hide it, it shines through. It totally infiltrates your filthy, disgusting elitist ideology. Is ANYTHING cool enough for you Thurston?? ANYTHING AT ALL? Aren't you a little OLD for all this? GOD- HOW FUCKING SHITTY WAS "YR" LIFE BECAUSE YOU WASTED IT HAVING NO FUN AND DENYING YOURSELF ALL PLEASURE??? PRETTY FUCKING SHITTY I BET, NOT TO MENTION WORTHLESS.
Your whole life is a lie. This is because we refuse to believe that anyone in the world actually likes fucking experimental noise art avant fuck bullshit, except maybe Jim O'Rourke and [my ex-boyfriend]. But you are just a fucking LIAR who PRETENDS to like the most annoying musical sub-subgenre of ALL TIME? Okay also why did you & your fucking aggro wife front like Sonic Nurse was going to sound like Laurel Canyon. I was really excited for that, but (of course) you let me down. It just sounds like avg. Sonic Youth crap. The same old bullshit. What fucking idiot liars. They WISH they would sound like Joni Mitchell- but they can't, because they're TOO fucking CRAP.
But anyway Thurston--
You hate all your fans because they're lame "indie rock" teenagers. But here's the fucking paradox- HOW COULD ANYBODY LIKE YOU EXCEPT TEENAGERS? They are the ONLY people in the world as self involved & OBSESSED (OUT OF HAND) WITH COOLNESS as you & Kim. You are both such an embarrassment to art and music. THE COPS SHOULD TAKE COCO AWAY FROM YOU AND PLACE HER IN THE LOVING CUSTODY OF <3JIM O'ROURKE<3 YOU ASSHOLES ARE UNFIT TO RAISE A CHILD THURSTON You are required to spend an entire year as Bono's apprentice. The same goes for KKKIM, only with Queen Latifah.
I HATE YOU SO MUCH. Why do you fucking have to think "Vertigo" is lame? Why do you think we're lame for liking "Vertigo"?? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT THAT IT'S GOOD? WHAT THE FUCK?? WHY DO YOU HATE EVERYTHING?? NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU IS IT? WELL APPARENTLY NEW YORK CITY ISN'T- CONNECTICUT???!!?!???! How "ironic" of you. IN REALITY PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING IS BETTER THAN YOU THURSTON. You are an uncool loser.
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. SOMEBODY ACTUALLY CALLED YOU A LOSER.
Face the music, Thurston. Bono is a better musician than you. Same goes for Gavin Rossdale, Simon Le Bon, and the SPICE GIRLS (Who Kim dissed of course). PAVEMENT and THE LEMONHEADS are also better- so stop fucking shit-talking <3Evan Dando<3 He is my generation's Frank Sinatra.
-THE SONICS are so much better than you. I feel sorry for them for always being placed next to you alphabetically. You will NEVER write a song as good as "Strychnine." You're not even a musician Thurston. You're a DOUCHE. Fuck off and die.
-Everytime Laura/Chelsea turns on the TV to watch The Other Sister/The Birdcage, Thurston & Kim are all up in our shit like "UNHHH YOU GUYS ARE SO LAME." Like seriously- leave us alone! (The same goes for when we are trying to chill out & listen to "Piano Man"- just fucking let us be, Thurston!!!!)
-Just for the record: YOU ARE NOT THE VELVET UNDERGROUND!!!
-Oh yeah & by the way, you guys single-handedly killed punk rock. Thanks for that!!! (NOT)
-SONIC YOUTH IN MARC JACOBS ADS- KKKORPORATE DIE KKKIM
-"Yeah I don't care about my fucking FANS who SUPPORT my crap music I just play 30 minutes of experimental guitar feedback because I am fucking selfish and SELF-INDULGENT" -Thurston Moore
-They aren't real activists. They're too fucking apathetic. They just latch onto social causes sometimes to make themselves seem cool.
-They don't seem to have any interest at all in music not made by white people. Exceptions: Ikue Mori, Ivan Julian. (I would put Public Enemy but they could really care less. They just put Chuck D in their song to seem cool of course)
-THEY HAVE NO POLITICS.
-Psychic Hearts!?! <3<3<3?!?! PRETTY FAGGY THURSTON!!!!
-SO FUCKING FASHIONY
FUCK THEM
Thurston is so fashiony, so is Kim. So fucking lame. Kim is a hag. Why do people blind themselves to that? HAG
-Fuck their stupid "fashion" or "anti fashion" as they would probably annoyingly say. It's ugly, they always look like fucking crap.
-Thurston wore a really ugly long beaded necklace on CONAN, it was SO ugly and plus he himself is just so ugly now, it was so sick to look at.
-OOH WOW "YR" so SUBVERSIVE for getting married. How anti cool How Punk rock FUCK THAT- their marriage is a shitty art project JUST LIKE THEIR DAUGHTER
-God how sexually FUCKED UP must Thurston Moore be behind closed doors??? CREEPY!!!!!
-Too good for the Rolling Stones (Kim said in Interview)
-We feel SO SORRY for all of Coco's teachers for always having to deal with Thurston and Kim's pretentious behavior all the time. ALSO THE PRINCIPAL OF THE SCHOOL AND ALL HER FRIENDS' PARENTS. THE CONDESCENSION MUST BE OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!
-Too cool for Paul Simon definitely
-KIM IS GOING TO GO THROUGH MENOPAUSE SOON AND IT'S GOING TO BE EVEN MORE AGGRO THAN HER GIVING BIRTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Tags: Bono, Chelsea Fairless, Coco Hayley Gordon-Moore, Gavin Rossdale, hatred, KKKim Gordon, Laura Jane Faulds, Sonic Youth, SONIKKK HATE, Thurston Moore
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12 Comments!!
oco is an art project? THAT is total fucking genius. Well, the whole list is pretty fucking solid actually. I am printing it out and putting it on my wall. I also love this one:
Thurston to Kim: "Coco's so lame."
Kim to Thurston: "Yeah, she's so corporate"
Thurston to Thurston: "Like oh my God Kim's so lame."
SO TRUE! God we really did hate sonic youth! It's funny because I don't hate them anymore either but I still feel like we were totally right about a few things, particularly our assertation that
Kim giving birth would be the most aggro event LITERALLY! Thank you so much for typing that shit up, I have some good stuff too.....
By Chelsea on September 3, 2010 2:47 PM
this made me laugh SO HARD! "coco is an art project"!!!! LOVE IT.
By Kat
on September 3, 2010 2:51 PM
Ha ha ha! I was not expecting 13 pages' worth of such hilarious hate. I can't believe two teenagers had so much hate in them, and still had room for Ronald Reagan hate!
By Amy on September 3, 2010 2:54 PM
I really love "how can you discipline a child (Coco) when you make such undisciplined music."
Such a bad point!
By Laura
on September 3, 2010 4:40 PM
So as someone who was stoked to find people who actually *liked* Sonic Youth back in college, I'm even more stoked to see someone expend the energy to *hate*them*so*much*!
There's a ton of great lines in here, some of which were noted in the comments above.
I love this one a lot too:
"You're not even a musician Thurston. You're a DOUCHE. Fuck off and die."
By Masonic Youth on September 3, 2010 5:14 PM
Thanks Mason! I just caught that your name is Masonic Youth. I mean, I caught that a long time ago. I just think it gives special weight to this comment.
By Laura
on September 3, 2010 8:18 PM
the strokes are fucking pants-wettingly awesome, fans of Hard to Explain. go have yourself a nice listen to Ize of the World.
By eryn on September 3, 2010 9:46 PM
I also love; "Okay is it really necessary to play at Tonic like every fucking night??"
That was actually a really valid point in 2004. That list is the best, thank you so much for typing it up! "Sonikkk Hate: Evidence" totally sounds like the name of a zine that thurston moore would make. I also remember that we thought that sonic youth would be really jealous that we thought of all of that Reaganomikkks stuff. I have a scrap of paper somewhere where you wrote this (poem?) from the perspective of the ronald reagan. It was so fucking hilarious, I would find it right now if it wasn't locked in a storage unit in harlem. I think the first line was: I WAS A SOLDIER OF THE REPUBLIKKK.
By chelsea on September 4, 2010 1:43 AM
We also wrote a lot about Kwame from The Apprentice
By Laura
on September 4, 2010 10:42 AM
Holy shit I forgot about Kwame! But not Bethenny Frankel, unfortunately.
By Chelsea on September 4, 2010 3:25 PM
Wow, this entire hate list about SY encapsulates the excruciating hatred I feel for Laura Jane! You are everything you said they were. J Crew indeed. But it's okay, cause you're Syd Barrett's girlfriend, who can pimp Cinnabons. And doesn't write all Kinder at all.
Like you, Sonic Youth was probably joking most of the time. But they made money at it and got to hang with Kurt Cobain.
By Kate on September 4, 2010 3:54 PM
Whatevs, Bitch! At least I'm famous enough to be hated on by strangers! HONESTLY SO GRATEFUL XOXOOXOXOOXOOXOXOXOOOXXXX
By Laura
on September 4, 2010 5:45 PM