NOGOODFORME.COM > style + pop culture > yr ultimate fashion mixtape

Previous Page In This Category | HOME | Next Page In This Category

Sunday , March 14, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: Secret Lessons from Paul McCartney Charm School

LIZ: By this time next year I will have graduated egregia cum laude from Paul McCartney Charm School, which is this really elite learning academy that's invisible like Hogwarts but with a far more rigorous curriculum. Like, for examps, instead of learning how to interpret runes and ward off Dementors and repot screaming plants that look like babies, we're studying far more useful stuff like introducing "I'm a Loser" in French and Making Pathological Optimism Work For You. There's even a class devoted entirely to winking! I had a hard time at first - but soon enough I was involuntarily winking at teenagers kissing on bus-stop benches*, and I knew I was really going places. For our final exams we have to ride in an airplane, smoke, wink, answer interview questions, and look superlatively adorable upon getting hit with a pillow - all at the same time! I get all itchy-twitchy just thinking about it, but then I practice hitting myself with a pillow in the mirror and I just know I'll pass with flying colors.

Anyway, all our coursework at Paul McCartney Charm School's really top secret, but I don't think the headmaster'll mind if I share a couple of fairly elementary lessons with you all. Here, two rules for achieving maximum adorability, both taken from Cute Beatle 101:

CHANGE YOUR NAME TO "HOT SOX." But, like, not legally or anything: You've gotta change it in people's minds. Obviously the easiest way to make that happen is to stand around with some tummy-ache-inducingly innocent look on your sweet little face, dressed like a wolf in prison and wearing a shirt that says "HOT SOX" in gigantic font. That's kind of cheating, though. But I bet if you put on your darlingest knee socks and walk around in a gait that's neither strutty nor slumpy, you'll be golden.

LOOK PUZZLED WHILE WEARING A FAUX-FUR TRAPPER HAT. I don't have this down yet, obvsiously. I just look mildly confused and/or bored, and like I'm simultaneously trying too hard and not trying at all. And we can't have that at Paul McCartney Charm School, where attaining just the right level of tryingness is forever paramount. Time to hit the books!

*This really happened.

LJ: Meanwhile, across town (to quote Carrie Bradshaw), there's also a John Lennon Charm School! It's called "The Goon Show", and it's run by John Lennon, and me. Me! That's right. Me. Laura Jane Faulds. John Lennon's best friend and confidante. Laura Jane Faulds.

The Goon Show is for the cool kids, the devil-may-care-attituded, the sauce-guzzlin' sorta goofball motherfuckers who think it's straight gay for grown men to wear Max from Where The Wild Things Are costumes. Though trapper hats are totes acceptable. At The Goon Show, we teach beautiful women how to say "Fuck" beautifully. We chainsmoke as if our names were Serge Gainsbourg. We do lots of drugs- the bad ones, and then we cut our necks shaving and wear ratty fur jackets on rooftops. We pin pictures of Paul McCartney to the wall, and then we gouge out his eyeballs with switchblades and draw anarchy symbols on his forehead. We spit at them. We like white jeans. We say terrible things about Jesus Christ, and we have this really fucking funny joke we all do, it's our "thing"- which is that when somebody- anybody (even your Mom!)- says "To each his own," we have to say "I like Hitler!" in response, cuz like, you know, if you really think, "To each his own," you should totally be down with us liking Hitler, so, like, yeah, that's really funny, to us. (We don't really like Hitler, though, FYI. We HATE Hitler!!!) Us goons. We dance like goons, make fun of goons, and make goony faces. Instead of winking, we half-smile derisively. Did I mention the drugs? Yeah. All we fucking do is drugs, over here. Drugs. We love drugs!

That being said- OMG PAULIE PAUL PAUL IS SOOOOO CUTE IN THESE PICTURES OH MY GOD WHAT A SWEET LITTLE ADORABLE BABY PUNKIN SWEETHEART I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE HIM AND GIVE HIM WEE LITTLE CHEEK-KISSES FOREVER AND EVER AWWWWWW WHAT A CUPCAKE, A COOKIE, A LITTLE MARASCHINO CHERRY AWWWWWW I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM PAUL!!!!!!! I love you, Paul.

Tags: drugs are cool, drugz, Hogwarts, Hot Sox, it's cool to do drugs, John Lennon Charm School, Laura Jane plus John Lennon equals love forever, making pathological optimism work for you, Paul McCartney, Paul McCartney Charm School, ratty fur jackets, The Goon Show, thinking caps, wolf prison

Sunday , March 7, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: Smiley Sweaty Summer Beatles!

LJ: Hello! My name is John Winston Lennon, and I'm having a great day. Such a very great day! The kind of very great day that makes you want to play electric organ with your elbows. It's so hot outside. I'm sweating profusely. I'm wearing a Sheriff's badge. I'm dressed very differently from how I've been dressing for the past few years- I used to always wear black suits and grey suits, with neckties, but today I'm wearing this khaki kind of military thing; I'm pretty into it. My life is so confusing right now. I used to be this good-for-nothing no-goodnik, and all my "friends" thought I would end up little more than an alcoholic bum. Boy, did I show them! Except Paul. Paul believed in me. Paul- he's this other guy, who's in my band with me. That's what I do. I'm in a band. We're playing a concert, for 55,000 people, right now, at this exact second. It's August 15th, 1965. My relationship with Paul is confusing. It's one of the most confusing aspects of my whole confusing life. Paul and I used to sit in corners at parties and ignore everybody else. We're really compatible humans: a Gemini, and a Libra. But these days, he's starting to annoy the fuck out of me. He's so adorable, and he knows he's so adorable, and, like, I don't even want to be adorable! At all! I think it's gay to be adorable. But then I see Paul, this guy, my friend- we write songs together- being so adorable, and it makes me angry. It makes me want to be adorable too, just because of this creeping desire that informs every move I seem to make these days, to out-cool Paul. Fuck. Paul. Whatever. It's today, and I like today. It's sunny out, and I'm the Literary Beatle. That's so much cooler! Than being the Cute Beatle. Right? Is it? It is. Today, I'm going to ignore Paul. Today, I'm going to focus my attention on George. Look at this guy! This guy, George, he's in my band with me too. This guy is not half bad. He's non-threatening. He's less adorable than Paul, and less literary than me. He's basically the Perfect Beatle, in my opinion. Do you think he likes me better than he likes Paul? I'm kind of getting that vibe from him, the "liking John" vibe. This guy, George, I want this guy on my side. That's what I'm going to do. Tonight. Later on. First, I'm going to finish playing this concert. I'm going to play piano with my elbows, and I'm going to make George feel included. We'll be a cool little team, George and I. I'll make him laugh, with this elbowey pianoey schtick of mine. And then the show will be over, and I'll take a shower. Smoke some pot, drink a beer. Maybe I'll have a bite to eat. "Egg and chips," perhaps. And then I'll take George aside. We'll have a ciggy on the balco. "Don't you think Paul's a bit cutesy?" I'll ask, "A bit gay? A bit megomaniacal? A bit, er, annoying?" And George, George, this kid George, this great, great kid, this Pisces- he'll say "Yeah." "Yeah, I do," he'll say. And that's the best decision I could make, I think. That's how I'm going to play it, this "being in the Beatles" deal. I'm going to get George in on hating Paul with me. Yes. Yes! I am confident that this will guarantee a fun and non-dramatic "being in the Beatles" experience for us all. Great. Great thinking, John. I'll do that. But first, I'm going to scream. And then, I'm going to play piano with my elbows.

LIZ: Hi, I'm James Paul McCartney. In addition to being adorable, I sometimes look like this. Do I contradict myself? Very well, then, I contradict myself: I am large, I contain multitudes. And look there - I just quoted Walt Whitman! How's that for "literary"? Also if we were ever going to team up for party games, Ringo and I would totally kick John and George's asses at Charades and Squeak Piggy Squeak, albeit mostly due to our sheer enthusiasm for the sport of it all. Just one of the many upsides of being perpetually out-cooled, you know.

Tags: adorability, Geminis, George Harrison, John Lennon, John/George relationship dynamic, Libras, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Shea Stadium, Squeak Piggy Squeak, summertime, Walt Whitman

Sunday , February 28, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: The Birthday Boy and The Fake Italian

LIZ: Happy birthday, George Harrison, a few days late! I like to think this snapshot was snapped at some post-bday dinner with your non-BFF Paul McCartney - like, one of those deals where Paul couldn't go to your actual party cuz he had other, more-interesting-to-Paul plans and then offered to take you out a few nights and later and you were all, "Nah, it's cool - don't sweat it, my brohemian" and then Paul was like, "Oh, but I insist, Brobi Won Kenobi!" and you tried your damnedest to weasel your way out of it but then you here you are this restaurant that looks vaguely Mediterranean but maybe it's just some hole-in-the-wall Italian dive and that checkered tablecloth's made of plastic. But the pasta fagioli's to die for! That's what Paul says when you get your menus, and he punctuates it by doing that thing where you gather together the fingertips of one hand and then kiss your nails and then splay your fingers, all in one swift fake-Italian motion. He's such an adorable little fake Italian, that Paul. I bet when your meal arrived he was all "Mangia, mangia!" and then when the waitress came over to ask how ask how the food was he cried "Ah, benissimo!" and of course gave her a big wink.

Anyway, George Harrison: you look so good! Your hair is very "now." Your eyes are soulful yet seductive, in a puppy-dog-esque way some dudes probably spend their whole lives trying to pull off. I like your shirt. I don't like Paul's shirt. What are you guys watching? Probably the keno scores, even though you're not playing keno, you're just kinda sick of talking to each other. Which is totally fine! It's your birthday, George Harrison! Order whatever you want for dessert. I recommend the semifreddo di amaretto. Arrivederci, amore mio!

LJ: Holy shit, dudes. How fucking funny was that shit Elizabeth Barker just wrote? I can't compete with that. Instead, I'm going to say a few nice words about George Harrison, in honor of his hot dead ass recently turning "some crazy age":

The only Beatle* who sucked harder at writing love songs than Paul McCartney was John Lennon. George Harrison is responsible for every great Beatles love song: "For You Blue", the Anthology version of "Something", "Long, Long, Long" (if you pretend it's about girls not God), "Within You Without You" (if you pretend it's about making it not meditating), and, most importantly, "You Know What To Do":

Which is the most beautiful love song of the entire Beatles. It was written by Baby George in early 1964; to quote Wikipedia, "After the Anthology 1 was released, Harrison was asked about the song and he said he didn't even remember its existence, and that it was just as well because it wasn't a good song." GOD! Stop being such a negative Nancy, George Harrison. "You Know What To Do" is my "mooning over dudes" staple, so heart-smashingly beautiful. I am so in love with the accidental brilliance of "And if you want me, just like I need you"- compellingly adorable/ adorably compelling.Like, what love song did John or Paul ever write that comes anywhere close to the prettiness and sincerity of this diamond? "Don't Let Me Down," the ultimate ode to creepy co-dependence? A fake story about a meter maid he doesn't even end up getting it on with? No, no and no. Shut up, John and Paul. This song sounds like Lou Reed if he wasn't a jerk on drugs. It renders the entire Velvet Underground unnecessary.

*Not counting Ringo

Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, birthdays, broisms, fake Italians, George Harrison, Laura loves the Beatles, Lou Reed, love songs, pasta fagioli, Paul McCartney, semifreddo di amaretto

Sunday , February 21, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: Dreamboat John Lennon in Paris

LJ: This week, I figured out that I want John Lennon to be my boyfriend. This is huge for me.

A few days ago, my Facebook horoscope posited that my attitude toward love is presently "sober and realistic," and it was, like, so true. About me. Right now. So that's why I want to date John Lennon: because I'm feeling "realistic" about love. To quote myself, "In real life, John Lennon and I might really, really, really work." I like to imagine that my life is exactly the same as my life actually is, only I meet this dude, like, on the street, in Toronto. And he's totally just the standard "unemployed dirtbag motivated by delusions of grandeur" I'd normally date, only he also happens to be "John Lennon of the Beatles." It would work. We'd have a functional and mature relationship. "I'm unmoved and unimpressed by your psychotic creative energy," I'd say. "Same," he'd say. It would be liberating. We'd chill each other out. All John Lennon's friends (the other Beatles) would say, "Laura, you're so good for John." We'd be a funny and boisterous duo and everyone would love us. We'd be the Double Ringo of archetypal Johns. We'd make tons of goony faces, and every time we walked down the street together, it would look like this. I was going to make the joke that John Lennon and I would make "sauteed garlic rapini" for dinner, since that seems to be the #1 thing that people in functional relationships do for kicks, but fuck that. John Lennon and I are too cool to sautee shit. We'd eat cereal and it would be hot.

Yeah, and this picture of the Beatles in Paris is this week's BPOTW because it's just so obvious that John is my boyfriend in it. Like, who the fuck else would I date? Paul is a girl, George is twelve and couldn't handle me, and Ringo has weird pants things going on. John is dreamy and looks like the captain of the football team. We should have a circular conversation about "where things are going." We should watch LOST and never wash our bedsheets.

LIZ: Yes, I support this union. So much so that I'll even "take one for the team" by volunteering to date Girl Paul, just so's we can have biweekly Scrabble Night at the ol' Faulds-Lennon flat. We'll drink Charles Shaw cab sauv outta coffee mugs, eat accidentally vegan snacks like BBQ Frito's and Nabisco ginger snaps, listen to Dr. Octagon records, or maybe Smile by Brian Wilson on repeat. The whole game LJ and JL will have a pretty serious edge over me and my fair lady, but then in the end Team Paul will crush it by laying down something like "quetzal" or "asphyxy" right on a Triple Word Score. And then we'll beat them by like 100 points, get up out of our chairs and do a little victory dance, and Girl Paul will totally raise the roof. And then we'll high-five, cuz high-fiving couples are so the most adorable thing in all the world. God, Girl Paul and I are so great together. I can't wait for Scrabble Night!

Tags: accidentally vegan snacks, Barker loves the Beatles, Dr. Octagon, high-fiving couples, Laura Jane plus John Lennon equals love forever, Laura loves the Beatles, LOST, quetzals, raising the roof, Scrabble Night

Sunday , February 14, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: The One Where Liz & Laura Jane Write A Book Together

LIZ: One fine day not so very long ago, I was flipping through my copy of Linda McCartney's Sixties and came across this perfect photo, which I promptly scanned and titled awwwwwwww.jpg. "Look," I emailed Laura Jane a few nanoseconds later, "it's us working on our book!" Which was partly me being cutesy-clever but mostly me being serious-truthy, because LAURA JANE FAULDS AND ELIZABETH BARKER ARE TOTALLY WRITING A BOOK TOGETHER!!! Stop the presses! Alert your local and interplanetary media! Give us a book deal! Laura and I are writing a book about the Beatles, but it's about us, but it's about the Beatles. It's your favorite book, the best book in the world. Maybe Laura will explain more about it below but maybe she won't, and all I really have left to say for now is that LJ is the best John a Paul could ever ask for and I'm so stoked to spend this Valentine's afternoon telecon-ing with her about Our Beautiful Beatles Book. If I had thought ahead and gotten a box of Beatles-song-themed conversation hearts custom-made for the occasion, I so would've given her a pink one that says "Thank You Girl" and then, just to be cryptic, a green one that says "I Forgot To Remember To Forget." Instead I gave her a gif file with a cartoon of Charles Darwin and a caption that reads "I select you. Naturally!", and that's pretty sweet too. Happy heart day, all.

LJ: About a month or so ago, infamous nogoodforme spam commenter "ugg boots" left us a legendary spam comment reading, Love is not a thing to understand. Love is not a thing to feel. Love is not a thing to give and receive. Love is a thing only to become And eternally be, and it really spoke to my soul. I Googled it, and found out that "ugg boots" is a giant plagiarizer, and that his or her comment is actually a poem by a lame-seeming spiritual teacher named Sri Chinmoy, which sucked to find out, because I don't normally fall for that hokey kind of garbage. But, this time, I did, and I decided that, "From now on, I'm just going to, like, be love."

As a writer, one of your great responsibilities, or possibly entitlements, is to devise an elegantly-phrased showstopper of a sentence tersely encapsulating your personal take on "what love is." Mine goes, The spark of art puts love to shame. I don't expect you to agree with that exactly, but I hope that you agree with it somewhat. I'm me, so I agree with The Spark of art puts love to shame one hundred, and, essentially, what The Spark of art puts love to shame means, to and/or about me, is that I'd rather write a killer sentence than get laid in a heartbeat (though I'd definitely rather get laid than, you know, not write a great sentence). And this is the part of the movie where we wrote the book, and nothing has ever been better, but the thing that makes it the best is that I always thought I'd be an Alone Writer, but I'm SO NOT! I'm a collabo-writer, with Barker, who is my Paul! I'm the John. So if art out-loves love to me, and I am presently in the midst of writing the writing that is the writing-equivalent of having the hottest sex ever with the dude of my dreams, I guess what I mean to say is that writing this book is me, like, being love. And this week's Beatles Photo of the Week is a photo of John & Paul, like, being love, as well. And, just for fun, here's one more Barker & LJ's Book Teaser:

IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT A FAIRYTALE, STARRING PAUL McCARTNEY AS ELIZABETH BARKER, & JOHN LENNON AS LAURA JANE FAULDS.

Tags: Barker Loves the Beatles, books, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney, Valentine's Day

Sunday , February 7, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: Ringo Rising

LJ: These days, I am terrifically intrigued by the dynamics and emotional composition of what I call "secondary Beatles relationships." Secondary Beatles Relationships are all the Beatles-relationships that aren't John Lennon & Paul McCartney. John Lennon & Paul McCartney are a "primary Beatles relationship." A "tertiary Beatles relationship" would be, say, John Lennon & Neil Aspinall, or George Harrison & Brian Epstein. Paul and the Maharishi, even. The most baffling secondary Beatles relationship is definitely George & Paul, AKA the hugest enigma of all time. I seriously can't imagine these two men sitting in a room together and talking about anything. It makes no sense and I gather that dour old George didn't like Paul very much at all, but who's counting? I am. Moving along...

John & Ringo. What a tremendous pair! It's nice, to reflect upon all that Ringo was for John. The greatest bro, who will always be there to light your cigarette, who's cigarette you (John) want- no, need- to light right back. It made John happy, to grant Ringo such kindnesses. Ringos are the great touchstones of Lennon-esque existence.

After zodiac signs, the most important thing you need to figure out about any single human being you meet is what Beatles archetype they fulfil. Watch the sweet, satisfied smile spread across my face upon realizing that I'm in a Beatles-balanced group of four. It feels so safe, so right. But sometimes there are overlaps. Sometimes, there are two Johns in a group of four, and one of those Johns (never me, though) is forced to take on the role of a different Beatle. Nine times out of ten, the errant John will become the group's Ringo. This is so interesting! I think it's fair to say that the Beatles are more like astrology than I initially thought, in that the Beatle you are is the Beatles equivalent to your sun sign. But then, I think, everyone deserves a Moon Beatle and a Beatle Rising, and you may as well make them different from your Sun Beatle, to shake life up a bit. I'm a John with my moon in Paul, Ringo Rising. Ringo Rising! Such a gift. Hey, Barker, what are you???

LIZ:: Obviously I'm a Paul with my moon in John, George rising. But my moon's in Ringo, too, I realized just after typing that very reactionary sentence. So, I am a double moon. What fun!

Speaking of fun, right now the radio's playing "What's Wrong With Ringo?" by the Bon-Bons. Speaking of even more fun than that: should I go try to see Ringo get his star on the Walk of Fame tomorrow?

Tags: astrology, Barker loves the Beatles, Beatles astrology, double moons, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, radio, Ringo Rising, Ringo Starr, The Beatles, the Bon-Bons, the Hollywood Walk of Fame

Sunday , January 31, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: Just Loungin'

LJ: The other night, I got dragged into participating in a really brutal debate about "what [I] would do if I caught [my] [hypothetical] boyfriend looking at pornography." My highly unpopular stance on the matter was that I wouldn't care, because a) I doubt any dude I would date would be into looking at, like, slutty pictures of Megan Fox, more like he'd think Maria Schneider was a babe in Last Tango in Paris, which I respect, and b) every human being is entitled to a dude or babe beauty and/or sexiness ideal, which they should indulge. Because if you don't (indulge it), you run the risk of making an actual real-life person into your dude or babe beauty/sexiness ideal, which will in turn create a disastrous power imbalance in your relationship, and those things are tragedies. I know it because I've lived it, and it felt sort of like my life exploded into the lyrics of "Can I Get A..." by Jay-Z, and I was all "If we couldn't see the sun risin' off the shore of Thailand, would you ride then, if I wasn't drivin'?" only more about haircuts and blogging. Anyway, my greater point here is that looking at this picture of George Harrison is my equivalent of beating off to Maxim, only tons less gross. In real life, no dude doing nothing, ever, could even begin to come close to the uncompromising perfection of THE GUITAR PLAYER FROM THE BEATLES loungin' on a divan, wearin' striped trousers, chillin' out and readin' a book. I can't tell what book George Harrison is actually reading, but it doesn't matter, and such is the beauty of fantasy. George Harrison is reading whatever book I want George Harrison to be reading. George Harrison is reading MY book. MY book, by ME.

LIZ: Awww, I can't believe LJ didn't say anything about the bulge in George's pants! Maybe she didn't notice. Or maybe it's not a bulge at all, but rather an illusion of bulginess created by the stripes of George's amazing trousers. Or, maybe there's not even the illusion, and I'm just the most adorably creepy lech in all the land. (I prefer this option, actually.)

And yes: I hugely agree with Laura's thoughts on the potential disastrousness in making an actual real-life person into your dude or babe beauty/sexiness ideal. It reminds me of a few sentences from Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides, which go like this: Maybe the best proof that language is patriarchal is that it oversimplifies feeling. I'd like to have at my disposal complicated hybrid emotions, Germanic traincar constructions like, say, "the happiness that attends disaster." Or "the disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy." Once upon a time, I experienced the disappointment of sleeping with one's fantasy - and it was indeed quite the disaster, and I despaired much and then quoted that beautiful Jeffrey Eugenides bit in a book that's a best-seller in at least six imaginary countries. (Sadly, it's now out of print.)

And, yes: I also agree that George looks like sex on a platter, a golden platter engraved with teardrops and garnished with the petals of a rose that looks like a rainbow. "The only dude in the world who can make a mustache foxy as foxes," is what we all call him.

Most importantly of all things ever, I agree about which book George is reading. It's George's favorite book!

Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, books, foxes, George Harrison, idealism, Jay-Z, Jeffrey Eugenides, Laura loves the Beatles, Megan Fox, pornography, roses that look like rainbows

Sunday , January 24, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: The Medieval Beatles Jam Sesh

BPOTW1:23.jpg

LIZ: Did your college or university have a chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism? Mine sure did. I don't know anything about them, but I'm now going to do a little "selective re-creation" of my own and pretend that the Beatles were secretly ardent medieval enthusiasts, fond of fencing and greeting each other with cheery cries of "Good morrow!"* This photo's from some Medieval Beatles jam sesh, in which the dudes play all their usual songs but on crumhorns and bladder pipes and gemshorns, the lyrics peppered with kooky Elizabethan phrases. I don't know why they all look so weird and gross except for John, but - methinks that swashing harpist hath stolen mine wappened heart! I really want us to date, if only so we can break up and I can call him a spleeny swag-bellied ratsbane and a fobbing plume-plucked hedge-pig, and he can respond by shouting "Fie on thee, poxy harlot!" and then writing "You Can't Do That." That'd be boss. Fare thee well, sweet poppets.

*Obviously, I learned everything I know about medieval culture from the movie Role Models.

LJ: Wasn't it thoughtful of Elizabeth Barker to go through all the trouble of providing us with links explaining what bladder pipes and crumhorns are? If she's hadn't, I probs would have sat here staring at my computer for an hour, saying "Duhhhh" and banging myself in the head with a shoe. Speaking of shoes, aren't Paul's shoes so cute? Third-cutest shoes of the entire Beatles!* Speaking of Paul: I bet, in real life, if you took Paul McCartney to a Renaissance fair, he'd be so INTO IT and make a big show out of playing a lute-driven rendition of "Yesterday," and then he'd talk about lutes like he was the world's leading expert on lutes, and we'd all shrug our shoulders and say "Paul McCartney: can't live with him, can't live without him!"

On the John tip: John Lennon and I have the exact same hair texture. It's uncanny! These days, I wish my hair texture and John Lennon's hair texture were a little less similar. My bangs do the exact same flippy whoooooshhh thing as his in this photo, and I hate it. But, as I reminded myself yesterday: You can't let the quality of your hair day dictate the quality of your life, Laura Jane.

I wonder what the instrument Ringo is playing is named. Maybe it's a "trambouline." God that joke is funny to me. Speaking of funny Beatles things from inside my head: the other day, I thought the thought, "Wait, what's the name of that Beatles album that's kind of like Sgt. Pepper's, but not?" The answer, of course, was Magical Mystery Tour.

*First place goes to the knit booties that George Harrison is wearing while singing "For You Blue" in The Beatles Anthology, though not in Let It Be, for some CRAZY reason; second place goes to George's navy slip-ons from HELP! Great work, George Harrison!

Tags: bad hair days, Barker loves the Beatles, bladder pipes, Elizabethan insults, Laura loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney at a Renaissance fair, shoes, Society for Creative Anachronism

Sunday , January 17, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: HOTTEST JOHN EVER!

LJ: Where are you, John Lennon? It looks like you are in the locker room of the ice rink where I used to take skating lessons as a child. Are you? I doubt it. Either way, this photograph makes me smell the smell of that ice rink in my head*. Why do ice rinks smell like that, John Lennon? I guess it is the smell of the chemicals they use to clean the ice. I don't care. Oh, foxy 1966 John Lennon. Have I told you lately that I love you? You're hot! This was such a good look for you. Why did you only look like this for, like, one month of your life? I guess because you started taking acid and got all weird and grew your hair out, which made you seem like "not a dude," somehow. I'm sorry; I don't mean to emasculate you. I'm not saying you looked like a chick- you just looked sort of beyond gender, but maybe that's what you were going for. Cool. I respect that. But the truth is, John Lennon, you're a dude. I'm sure you know this about yourself. You used to beat people up. You swagger, and you're an asshole. You're four-and-a-half inches taller than me. You're wearing the greatest outfit I've ever seen a dude wear! Your kicks are legendary. You're totally the dude equivalent of the girl in "Girl" by the Beatles. Hey do you feel like getting stoned with me tonite?

*Because I suffer from a cognitive disorder called "Beatles Synaesthesia"

LIZ: I actually think this is the hottest John photo ever, but that's maybe just me. It probably has lots to do with how John looks eerily like this wacky-delightful boy I dated a thousand years ago (in 2005), who was from Louisiana and would always play-shout "Huey Long never used a pillow!" whenever offered a pillow. I never recognized that boy's 1966-John-Lennon-esque-ness at the time, which is a shame, since I've recently realized that 1966 John Lennon is my favorite John Lennon evs. I always thought 1965 John was my number-one, but then YouTube recommended I watch "The Beatles Return from Manila", and now that sharp-dressed, shaggy-haired, bespectacled little scamp is just the "apple" of my eye. The above photo's definitely a nice proxy for the foxiness of "TBRFM" John (a "foxy proxy," if you will), but you really need to see the vid to experience the goofball charm and vulnerability behind all that cool. And make sure to watch all the way through, else you'll miss what Laura Jane Faulds and Elizabeth Barker have officially dubbed "the greatest twist ending since L.A. Candy"! Have fun!

Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, Beatles Synaesthesia, dudes, foxy proxies, Huey Long, ice rinks, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Manila, the girl in Girl, the greatest twist ending since L.A. Candy

Monday , January 11, 2010

Beatles Photo of the Week: Paul McCartney Uses Ketchup AND HP Sauce!

LJ: He's drinking a glass of milk. Straight milk. I just wanted to make sure everyone caught that.

I have some girlfriends who are Normies, and I love them. Together, we eat sushi, and then we drink alcoholic beverages at bars I wouldn't normally go to. I say things I wouldn't normally say, and most of them are about dudes, who I am forced to call "men," because when you say "dude" to a Normie, they think you are impersonating Keanu Reeves. I say things like, "I like my men to be men," and by "I like my men to be men" I mostly mean nothing, but I also mean "I like dudes who look like and/or have the same general vibe as Paul McCartney in the picture of Paul McCartney with HP sauce," but that would mean nothing to my Normie girlfriends, because they don't know every single photo of Paul McCartney that exists off by heart. This is Paul at his all-time sexiest, "IMHO." The only reason why I don't want to spend the rest of my life with Paul McCartney in this photograph is because I know it's Paul McCartney, and I'm not into Paul McCartney, because I like my men to be men. Ouch!

But Paul's really masculine here, for Paul. He looks like he is of Greek descent. I'm super into his "right arm hairiness level" and the nailbed of his left index finger. Mostly, I just love knowing that Paul McCartney needs ketchup and HP sauce to make his food taste good, Doubling up on condiments is the mark of a true man's man. The worst thing about this photograph of Paul McCartney is that it's a photograph of Paul McCartney, so you know it's totally calculated. He worked really hard to look so manly and insouciant. But whatevs, it paid off. Just don't think I'm going back on my Bearded Paul is disgusting opinions. This does NOT count as Beard Paul. OKAY???

LIZ: Stop the presses: LJ and I actually have a shared Paul-Attractiveness opinion! That never happens, ever. It's very groovy, but also slightly worrisome. Like, what if LJ and I are out at the discotheque some night, and Greek-Looking, Multiple-Condiment-Wielding, Straight-Milk-Drinking Stubble Paul saunters up to us and starts working his "A-game"? And at first we do that thing where I'm all, "You should go for him, LJ - he's really into you," and then LJ kindly furrows her brow, shakes her head and says "No, Barker, he's so all about you - plus, I think taking him home would be a really positive first step in your getting over that no-good Stephen Hamel*." And we keep going back and forth, back and forth, coyly slurping our Colorado Bulldogs till ol' Stubble Paul gets bored and moves on to some floozy in a tight fuzzy pink sweater. But then one of us, whoever's nicest that night, decides to cede Stubble Paul to the other, even offering up a real handy pick-up line to lure him away from the fast chick in the slutty top. Probably the line would go something like: "If I said you had a beautiful body, Paul - would you hold it against me?" Or, much more fittingly: "Hey Paul, are you wearing space pants? CUZ YOUR ASS IS OUTTA THIS WORLD!" Yeah, that's it. That's the stuff.

Anyway, what the fuck is HP Sauce? Is it like A-1?

*Stephen Hamel's actually the name of the dude who owns the amazing website Steve's Beatles Page. As far as LJ and I can tell, Steve is as good as it gets.

Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, Beatles Photo of the Week, discotheques, HP sauce, Laura loves the Beatles, manliness, Paul McCartney, pick-up lines, Stephen Hamel

Previous Page In This Category | HOME | Next Page In This Category