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Wednesday , August 25, 2010
THE COOLEST PHOTOS OF PAUL McCARTNEY EVER!!!!
Way to John Lennon it, Paul McCartney!
PS: Do you think that these are self-portraits? I kind of get the impression that they are. Oh, Paul.
Tags: drugz, John Lennon, John Lennoning it, Paul McCartney, Paul McCartney Charm School
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Sunday , May 9, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: The Motherless Thumb-Kissers LJ: I wonder if this was something they did on a regular basis. "Let's kiss thumbs, Paul!" said John. "Okay, John!" said Paul. And then they kissed thumbs. One time, Ringo caught John and Paul thumb-kissing in the Abbey Road bathroom. "What are you doing, mates?" he asked. "Thumb-kissing," said Paul, all sassy, like, "Duhhhh." John Lennon said nothing, because he was embarrassed by the dimension of his personality that made him want to do gay shit like kiss thumbs with Paul McCartney. Later that day, Ringo did a good job of playing drums, and he was proud of himself. "Good job playing drums, Rich!" said Paul. "Yeah," John echoed. That's when Ringo went in for the thumb-kiss. Being the nicer member of "John Lennon & Paul McCartney," Paul McCartney indulged him. Paul thumb-kissed Ringo, though unenthusiastically. Soon after, he washed his hands. John Lennon walked away, but later he felt guilty about it, so he bought Ringo flowers and a drink. "I hate being in the Beatles," thought George Harrison. LIZ: This morning I woke up and turned on the radio. The song was "Dizzy Miss Lizzie," which is always a gas, especially when your name is "Lizzie" and you're writing a book about the Beatles with your friend "LJ." When the song ended I got out of bed and scrubbed my butterfly-and-bee bowl clean, fried an egg in olive oil, "put the kettle on." The radio played "Mother" by John Lennon back to back with "Let It Be" by the Beatles, which made me want to cry into my butterfly-and-bee bowl. "Poor motherless John, poor motherless Paul," I sighed, splattering a fuckload of sriracha onto my beautifully fried egg. I went out a while, talked on the phone in front of Panera Bread, shopped for broccoli and tofu and cauliflower at Trader Joe's. I was trying to decide between "bagged cauliflower florets" and "actual cauliflower head" - always a real toss-up - when John Lennon I mean Laura Jane rang my cell phone. "We're in weird moods today!" we said. "Poor motherless John, poor motherless Paul," we added, sighingly. Then I went home, and LJ had written those six paragraphs up above. I LOL-ed at them, or at least smiled audibly. It's sad that Paul and John are motherless, but it's sweet that they found each other and got to thumb-kiss like big adorable goofballs whenever they wanted. Life is sad, but it's also sweet. It's really cool of the Beatles to remind us that, with their thumb-kissing. Oh: and their songs, too!
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Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, John Lennon, Laura Loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney, thumb-kissing
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Sunday , May 2, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: They're Killer-Diller When They're Dressed To The Hilt
Not counting Cynthia Lennon, who looks frumpy as hell: EVERYONE IN THIS PICTURE IS SUCH A TOTAL BABE WITH SENSATIONAL PERSONAL STYLE!!!
(left to right):
1. GEORGE HARRISON: Hot hair, George. I love when George's hair goes like this: all big and crazy-like. Perhaps it was a humid day out, on this fateful day, when the Beatles took the most sartorially-inspiring ship-trip of all time? That's cool. I relate to that, George. My hair responds well to humidity too. I have a bit of a problem with his "pants-length," but, you know, if I was able to forgive George for his Diving Board-era Jerry Seinfeld-shirt Fiasco, I can certainly cope with flood-length trousers on a stunning hair day.
2. PAUL McCARTNEY: Oh, Hi, Baby! You're beautiful; let's get married. Paul looks like a turn-of-the-century Italian playboy millionaire. Paul "Gucci" McCartney. That's my nickname for Paul in this photo. The Fake Italian strikes sexily again!
3. RINGO STARR: I mean, it's Ringo. But I think Ringo's lookin' pretty fly, here, for Ringo. You have to apply a different hotness-standard, to Ringo, because- let's face it- he's less attractive than the other Beatles. But, all things considered: great call on the Wallabees, Rich.
4. MO STARKEY: Uhhhhh WTF??!!!??!?!?! Congratulations on being the SEXIEST WOMAN I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, Maureen!
5. CYNTHIA LENNON: N/A
6. JOHN LENNON: Obviously the cooler Lennon. In this photo, and every photo. I think John's cape/flight bag combo here is the chic-est moment of the entire Beatles, and I really wish I had both of them. Imaginary Shopping Spree that, my friends!
Tags: Beatles Photo of the Week, Laura Loves the Beatles, Mo Starkey is a babe, the most sartorially-inspiring ship-trip of all time, turn-of-the-century Italian playboy millionaires
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Sunday , April 25, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: The Fake Italian, Foiled Again!
Remember that night when Paul took George to an Italian restaurant for a belated birthday dinner and kept doing this annoying fake-Italian shit like saying "Mangia, mangia!" when the food arrived and exclaiming "Ah, benissimo!" when the waitress came by to check on them? Remember that? Well, ol' George got fed up with the Fake Italian pretty fast, sneaked away from the table before they even got their semifreddo di amaretto. Then he went out to the local discotheque, picked up these two birds and took them to a late-night picture show. Things were just starting to get real freaky when the Fake Italian showed up and caught them in the act. "Curses, foiled again!" cried the Fake Italian. Then he left them all to their creepy threesome - 'cause if there's one thing the Fake Italian's not, it's a no-good cockblocker.
Tags: cockblocking, fake Italians, George Harrison, Paul McCartney, semifreddo di amaretto, threesomes
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Monday , April 19, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: SWIMMING! With John Lennon and Paul McCartney
LJ: Who do you think is the cutest Beatles swimmer? I think John's the cutest Beatles swimmer- he looks exactly like a sea lion, emerging from the water. It's so rare to see a photograph of John Lennon looking this straight happy. Normally the whole "inner turmoil" aspect of John Lennon takes John Lennon facial-expression precedence over happiness. Sorry to be so aggressively a pot-smoker or whatevs, but isn't that just so true? What, in this world, makes anybody happier than the exact things that are making John Lennon happy, in this photograph? Sunshine, and the ocean. Sunshine, the ocean, animals, and children. If those things don't make you smile, I don't understand you one single bit, and neither does John Lennon.
As for Paul: yes, Paul is cute here. But he's just mugging for the camera! He's lampooning. It's insincere. Or is it? I have no insight into Paul McCartney.
LIZ: Paul is not just mugging for the camera: he's genuinely, sincerely, true-blue-ly shaking the water from his hair after a nice long swim. But yes, John is the cutest Beatles swimmer, by a country mile. Also, Beatles look cute on diving boards. Except for George, who looks dumb and horrible. George = ugliest Beatles diving-board-sitter, hands-down. Ringo = second ugliest. John is second cutest, and Paul is the cutest Beatles diving-board-sitter of all! Way to win it back, ol' Paulie Boy.
Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney, swimming
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Sunday , April 11, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: The Great Beatles Murder Mystery!
There's been a murder, and you're a detective. It was a really, really bad murder. Totally brutal. A gross sexy one, with strong sado-masochistic undertones. Overtones, even. Basically, the most fucked up murder you could ever possibly imagine, but stop imagining it, because it's scary!
So you're the detective, a detective for the London police department- a modern-day Sherlock Holmes, if you will. All evidence leads you to believe that the murderer you need to nab is a member of the rock-and-roll band The Beatles. But, being a serious detective and all, you don't know anything about The Beatles. You don't even know what the Beatles look like! For crying out loud.
So, you ask your assistant ("Watson"?) to bring you a photograph of the Beatles, and, based on only this one photograph of the Beatles, you have to solve the Great Beatles Murder Mystery and arrest one of the Beatles for being guilty of committing THE WORST MURDER EVER.
The photograph seen above is the photograph your assistant brings you.
QUESTION: Based on this photograph, who do you presume is the Magical Mystery Murderer?
(click behind the jump to find out)
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Tags: crime-solving, imagining you are a detective, murder, sado-masochism, Sherlock Holmes, The Beatles, The Great Beatles Murder Mystery
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Sunday , April 4, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: Ringo's Revenge!
So that was real lousy, how Paul totally gave Ringo the shaft the other night at the Hollywood Bowl. And then on Thursday, when Paul and I had our Day of Pampering, McCartney refused to share any of his special grapes with poor Richie - what an absolute heel! It's pretty pitiful, really, especially when you listen to this l'il Beatles "speech" and get a load of Ringo's sad dumb cry of "OH I LIKE GRAPES" at 0:47:
Just slugs you right in the heart, doesn't it? And speaking of slugging, I fully support Ringo socking Paul straight in the cute little nose, as in the above photo. It's the perfect penance for Paul, and just in time for Easter too! That'll learn him to share his grapes. Ol' grape-hogging swine - scallywag, scoundrel, skunk, scapegrace!
(Just kidding, Paul. I love you, Paul. I hope you got the best Easter basket, this morn.)
Tags: grapes, Paul McCartney, revenge, Ringo Starr
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Tuesday , March 30, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: Paul's Day of Pampering! OMG you guys, I'm sooooooooo psyched cuz my best friend in world is in town right now and I haven't seen him in FOREVS!!! He's doing this thing tonight and tomorrow night at the Hollywood Bowl and it's kind of a big deal but after that we're gonna have major BFF time and totally catch up! Thursday'll be the funnest cuz it's our Day of Pampering - first we'll sleep in and watch the second half of season six of "Sex and the City" in bed, and then for the rest of the day Paul will keep doing his impression of Carrie Bradshaw doing an impression of Aleksandr Petrovsky - which just kills me every time. "You are comic?" he'll fake-Russian-ly ask whenever I'm trying to be funny, and we'll just LOL our faces off. Then later on we'll go to Le Petite Retreat and do the Girlfriends Getaway package, with a Jade Stone Massage and Aqua Latte & Floral Medley hydrotherapy bath for Paul and a Sugar Rush Body Scrub Escape and True Transformation Facial for me. "Girl, I so needed that Aqua Latte and Floral Medley hydrotherapy bath!" Paul will sigh as we're sipping chamomile tea by the fireplace, in our fluffy robes and spa slippers. "You so earned it, hon'!" I'll tell him, playfully swatting his arm with my copy of W, spilling my tea a little. And then Paul's driver will come fetch us and drive us up to Inn of the Seventh Ray in Topanga Canyon, and we'll have flax crackers with olive tapenade and macadamia nut fake-cheese for apps and split the Crispy Vegan Duck and Farmers Market Melange Du Jour for dinner. And when the waiter comes by and asks if we'll be having dessert Paul will give me that look and say "Should we do it? Let's just do it!" and we'll get the vegan creme brulee, which is almond milk and sugar cane and organic berries and OMG I'm dying just thinking about it! We're so bad!!!!! Then after dinner we'll fly around a while on Paul's private plane a while and a flight attendant will feed Paul grapes, while the other Beatles stare creepily like it's some kinda sex thing. Weird, right? But Paul looks so happy! And if Paul's happy, I'm happy - isn't that right, Paul? Love ya, bitch!!!!
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Tags: airplanes, Barker Loves the Beatles, BFFs, grapes, hydrotherapy baths, Paul McCartney, The Russian, vegan creme brulee
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Sunday , March 21, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: Laura Jane Needs Her Maid To Be The Beatles
My bedroom is very, very messy. My bedroom has been very, very messy for a very, very long time. It's not that I don't clean it- I clean it all the time! It's just that it has hit such an extreme level of messiness that all cleaning does is take it from "crack den" to "filth den", and then I live a day, and it's a crack den again! You know that wildly sexist and crappy song Neil Young wrote named "A Man Needs A Maid"? I want to cover that song, only I would slightly alter the title to something along the lines of "Laura Jane Faulds Needs the Beatles to Clean Her Bedroom," and the photograph above would be the cover of the 45's picture sleeve- because if I were Neil Young, all my hit singles would get picture sleeves. So that's my big "fantasy" I've got going right now- I'd wake up in the morning to the sweet and convenient sound of the as-seen-above-style Maid Beatles knocking at my bedroom door. Only instead of holding those weird and obviously ineffective brooms, Ringo would have a Swiffer Sweeper, and John Lennon would have a Swiffer Wetjet. George Harrison would still be holding that big basket, and Paul McCartney would be holding nothing. Paul McCartney's job would be to put all my empty Perrier bottles and Diet Coke cans into George Harrison's basket.
Tags: Beatles Photo of the Week, crack dens, fantasies, George Harrison's basket, Laura loves the Beatles, maids, messiness, Neil Young, sexism, The Beatles
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Sunday , March 14, 2010
Beatles Photo of the Week: Secret Lessons from Paul McCartney Charm School
LIZ: By this time next year I will have graduated egregia cum laude from Paul McCartney Charm School, which is this really elite learning academy that's invisible like Hogwarts but with a far more rigorous curriculum. Like, for examps, instead of learning how to interpret runes and ward off Dementors and repot screaming plants that look like babies, we're studying far more useful stuff like introducing "I'm a Loser" in French and Making Pathological Optimism Work For You. There's even a class devoted entirely to winking! I had a hard time at first - but soon enough I was involuntarily winking at teenagers kissing on bus-stop benches*, and I knew I was really going places. For our final exams we have to ride in an airplane, smoke, wink, answer interview questions, and look superlatively adorable upon getting hit with a pillow - all at the same time! I get all itchy-twitchy just thinking about it, but then I practice hitting myself with a pillow in the mirror and I just know I'll pass with flying colors.
Anyway, all our coursework at Paul McCartney Charm School's really top secret, but I don't think the headmaster'll mind if I share a couple of fairly elementary lessons with you all. Here, two rules for achieving maximum adorability, both taken from Cute Beatle 101:
CHANGE YOUR NAME TO "HOT SOX." But, like, not legally or anything: You've gotta change it in people's minds. Obviously the easiest way to make that happen is to stand around with some tummy-ache-inducingly innocent look on your sweet little face, dressed like a wolf in prison and wearing a shirt that says "HOT SOX" in gigantic font. That's kind of cheating, though. But I bet if you put on your darlingest knee socks and walk around in a gait that's neither strutty nor slumpy, you'll be golden.
LOOK PUZZLED WHILE WEARING A FAUX-FUR TRAPPER HAT. I don't have this down yet, obvsiously. I just look mildly confused and/or bored, and like I'm simultaneously trying too hard and not trying at all. And we can't have that at Paul McCartney Charm School, where attaining just the right level of tryingness is forever paramount. Time to hit the books!
LJ: Meanwhile, across town (to quote Carrie Bradshaw), there's also a John Lennon Charm School! It's called "The Goon Show", and it's run by John Lennon, and me. Me! That's right. Me. Laura Jane Faulds. John Lennon's best friend and confidante. Laura Jane Faulds.
The Goon Show is for the cool kids, the devil-may-care-attituded, the sauce-guzzlin' sorta goofball motherfuckers who think it's straight gay for grown men to wear Max from Where The Wild Things Are costumes. Though trapper hats are totes acceptable. At The Goon Show, we teach beautiful women how to say "Fuck" beautifully. We chainsmoke as if our names were Serge Gainsbourg. We do lots of drugs- the bad ones, and then we cut our necks shaving and wear ratty fur jackets on rooftops. We pin pictures of Paul McCartney to the wall, and then we gouge out his eyeballs with switchblades and draw anarchy symbols on his forehead. We spit at them. We like white jeans. We say terrible things about Jesus Christ, and we have this really fucking funny joke we all do, it's our "thing"- which is that when somebody- anybody (even your Mom!)- says "To each his own," we have to say "I like Hitler!" in response, cuz like, you know, if you really think, "To each his own," you should totally be down with us liking Hitler, so, like, yeah, that's really funny, to us. (We don't really like Hitler, though, FYI. We HATE Hitler!!!) Us goons. We dance like goons, make fun of goons, and make goony faces. Instead of winking, we half-smile derisively. Did I mention the drugs? Yeah. All we fucking do is drugs, over here. Drugs. We love drugs!
That being said- OMG PAULIE PAUL PAUL IS SOOOOO CUTE IN THESE PICTURES OH MY GOD WHAT A SWEET LITTLE ADORABLE BABY PUNKIN SWEETHEART I JUST WANT TO CUDDLE HIM AND GIVE HIM WEE LITTLE CHEEK-KISSES FOREVER AND EVER AWWWWWW WHAT A CUPCAKE, A COOKIE, A LITTLE MARASCHINO CHERRY AWWWWWW I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM PAUL!!!!!!! I love you, Paul.
Tags: drugs are cool, drugz, Hogwarts, Hot Sox, it's cool to do drugs, John Lennon Charm School, Laura Jane plus John Lennon equals love forever, making pathological optimism work for you, Paul McCartney, Paul McCartney Charm School, ratty fur jackets, The Goon Show, thinking caps, wolf prison
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