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Friday , December 4, 2009

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JAY-Z!

John Lennon is my hero, but Jay-Z is my IDOL. Jay-Z= the John Lennon of hip-hop.

It all started back in September, when Barker cited Jay-Z's seminal The Blueprint as being one of her Top 3 Albums of the 2000s, and wrote "I play "Takeover" a few months after the hot date and pretend I'm Jay and that loser's Nas." As per usual, Barker was right on the money. "Takeover" became my "getting over the lamest dude on the planet" theme song. I'm so over that jerkbox; if I ever saw him again, I'd be all "Don't throw rocks at the throne, BITCH." A few weeks ago, I got really into The Black Album, and realized that Jay and I have the exact same personality, or ethos at least. I named myself "The Jay-Z of Spoiled 24-Year-Old White Girls."

Today (December 4th, 2009) is Shawn Corey "Jay-Z" Carter's 40th birthday.Jay-Z is the hugest genius of his time, He is a brilliant writer and my writing is seriously informed by his more than anyone else's, not counting James Joyce. If ever you are searching for the perfect fake adjective to describe my writing, I advocate "Jay-Z Joycean."

Last week, nogoodforme reader "tarzanicus" recommended that I listen to The Grey Album, which is mash-ups of The Black Album and The White Album. At first I didn't want to, because I felt it would be disrespectful to Jay-Z's creative vision. Then i got the fuck over myself and now I listen to The Grey Album constantly. Listening to The Grey Album= killing two birds with one stone.

Whenever I get down on myself and feel too lazy to take on the Universe and become the most famous writer of all-time, I listen to Jay-Z and think "Shut up, Laura Jane. Jay-Z was a crack dealer and never gave up. Are YOU a crack dealer? No, you're not. Go write, you ingrate!" and then I do. I am so, so happy that Jay-Z was born. Here is:

Jay-Z & John Lennon, "Allure"-

I like this song extra-a lot because it has my name in it. Says Jay-Z, "The allure of the game keeps calling your name. All the LAURAs of the world, I feel your pain." Thank you so much, Jay!

I also really love when Jay says "I'm not a biter, I'm a writer, for myself and others," and it makes me so happy whenever he says "dude." One day, Jay-Z will figure out that I am a person who exists on the planet, and we'll start hanging out all the time. We'll drink distilled vodka like we was the Russian mafia, and then my Facebook userpic will be me and Jay-Z with our arms around one another, and it'll be just so FRESH TO DEATH.

Today, let us all celebrate Jay-Z's existence by overcoming adversity &/or smoking hella weed. Preferably in blunt form.

Tags: assholes suck, birthdays, Elizabeth Barker, James Joyce, Jay-Z, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, The Jay-Z of Spoiled 24-Year-Old White Girls

Saturday , October 31, 2009

Happy Birthday, Adam "Ad-Rock" Horovitz!

Today (October 31st, 2009), Adam "Ad-Rock" Horovitz of the Beastie Boys (my third-favourite band of all time) turns forty-three years old. Forty-three strikes me as a creepily old age for Ad-Rock to be; Ad-Rock, you don't look a day over thirty-seven!

Ad-Rock is one of my favourite people ever to have been born on this planet. Ad-Rock's forty-three years ago birth has greatly benefited my life over the years. Ad-Rock's spirit animal is a black labrador puppy. If I could pick one dude from all recorded history to be my fraternal twin brother, it would be Ad-Rock. Ad-Rock is my favourite Beastie Boy. I relate to Ad-Rock a ton. Here are some reasons why:

1. "So what if I'm a ham and cheese on rye? I gots to do my thing and that's no lie."
2. "I'm all fucked up and I wanna so I'm gonna."
3. I'm a water sign.
4. I'm a wiry, dynamic brunet(te).
5. "The gift of gab is the gift that I have."
6. "I'm Adam and I'm adamant about living large" (only in my case, I'm "Laura". This is an opinion I also share with Adam "MCA" Yauch. They are both adamant about this.)
7. One of Ad-Rock's many "rapping names" is "The Kid." I too am The Kid! When people call me Kid (which happens a lot, because I project really intense "Call me Kid!" vibes), I feel like I am "seen." Once, I was in Liverpool, and a creepy old man said "Oy! Kid! Can I 'ave a fag, then?" and I was like "Oh my God! You get me!" So there's an anecdote from my life that has very little to do with Adam "Ad-Rock" Horovitz.

In conclusion: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ADAM "AD-ROCK" HOROVITZ! My birthday present to you is that I will be your Personal Assistant if you want me to. Also, Happy Birthday to ALL THE HALLOWE'EN SCORPIOS out there! Congratulations on having a really killer birthday. You are wonderful, exciting, and complex human beings.

Seen below is a clip of Ad-Rock being awesome, ADD-charming and a feminist at the 1999 MTV Video Awards. He is wearing a basset hound t-shirt and is at his all-time cutest. This is my favourite video on all YouTube.

Tags: Adam "Ad-Rock" Horovitz, basset hounds, birthdays, black labrador puppies, feminism, Hallowe'en Scorpios, Liverpool, Scorpios, The Beastie Boys

Sunday , June 21, 2009

Happy Birthday, Ray Davies!

Oh My God! It's Ray Davies' birthday today! CANCEMINI FORTNIGHT 2009 is in full effect!

In both theory and practice, Raymond Douglas Davies is the Ultimate Cancemini. In terms of actual birthdates, you can't be more Cancer/Gemini cusp-y than June 21st. In terms of actual Cancemini behaviors, you can't be more Cancer/Gemini cusp-y than Ray Davies. Homeboy's particularly erratic brand of emotional instability just screams Cancemini. Compared to Ray Davies, I am barely even Cancemini-esque at all. Compared to Ray Davies, I'm a Virgo.

I racked my brain all morning trying to figure out what my birthday present for Ray Davies could be. I listened to "Autumn Almanac" really loud and danced cool-ly in my bedroom to it, but that didn't seem good enough. I already wrote him the best thing I've ever written and think about him constantly; that doesn't really require any special birthday effort on my end. And then I realized:

Ray Davies, my birthday gift to you is myself. I have offered myself to you on nogoodforme.com before, but to no avail. Why? Why, Ray Davies? Why do you not want a kicky twenty-four year old concubine who will worship you, inspire you, and make you tea? Are you secretly gay or something? That seems like the only explanation.

Sorry, Ray Davies, I don't mean to clog up your birthday tribute post with petty allegations about your sexuality. I just really want to be your younger lover! I would do such a good job at it! I would call you "Dude," and it would make you feel young again. I can make you happy, Ray Davies. Why are you so blind to this? Why am I only attracted to unavailable men? Why am I only attracted to unavailable men who are sixty-five and the lead singer of the Kinks? Why do I never get what I want? Why is this dweeby message board debate about "Arthur" vs. the Beatles so cool to me? How much is a shilling worth? What time is it? What is a birthday?

So many questions, but only one solution- becoming Ray Davies' concubine.

Now, let us all watch "Apeman," and swoon.

Tags: becoming Ray Davies' concubine, birthdays, Cancemini Fortnight, Canceminis, Cancer-Gemini cusps, french kissing, Laura, Laura loves The Kinks, Ray Davies, Ray Davies is a genius, Ray Davies' front-teeth gap, Ray Davies: The Ultimate Cancemini, Ray-Davies-Perfect, Raymond Douglas Davies

Saturday , June 20, 2009

Happy Birthday, Brian Wilson!

Today's "Musical Genius of the 1960s" celebrating a birthday within the confines of sweet, emotionally-charged, very-intense-for-me CANCEMINI FORTNIGHT 2009 is Brian Douglas Wilson of the Beach Boys. He turns sixty-seven years old today, just like Paul McCartney did two days ago. Spooky!

Although Brian's sexier, less-talented cousin, I mean brother, Denny Wilson is the Official Beach Boy of nogoodforme.com, Brian Wilson is still aces in my books, even though I think "California Girls" is a really mean and hurtful song, if you are a girl who is not from California. Brian Wilson has done some great things over the course of the past sixty-seven years. Namely, he wrote "Sloop John B," (by wrote I mean "wrote"), "Heroes & Villains," "Be True To Your School," and "Little Saint Nick." I have weird taste in Beach Boys songs. I think "God Only Knows" is hokey.

My favourite thing that Brian Wilson ever did, however, is something that Brian Wilson may never have done, because it is something that the heart-throbby, mis-cast actor who played Brian Wilson in a made-for-TV movie about the Beach Boys I watched in high school did, which was ask his future wife if he could buy her a hot cocoa after a Beach Boys concert. I think that is so sweet, and I really hope it happened. If a dude ever nervously asked me if he could buy me a hot cocoa, I would be a goner. A GONER, I tell you!

My birthday present to Brian Wilson is that, earlier today, I listened to "Sloop John B" on my iPod shuffle and visualized myself punching that motherfucker who ate up all Brian Wilson's corn in the face. I can't really do any better than that, Brian Wilson. I hope you have a nice day. I hope your birthday doesn't totally depress you, though I feel like it would.

Lastly, here is the music video for Don't Go Near The Water, from 1971's Surf's Up. This song was written by Mike Love and Al Jardine, and has nothing to do with Brian Wilson. I can't even tell if Brian Wilson is in this video at all. But suck it, Hypothetical Beach Boys Purist Who Is Questioning My Choice Of Including This Vid In My Brian's B-day Tribute Post- it's (almost) my birthday, and I'll post it if I want to.

PS: ISN'T AL JARDINE THE LEAST ATTRACTIVE DUDE YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE? In my opinion, yes.

Tags: Al Jardine is ugly, Brian Wilson, Cancemini Fortnight, Canceminis, Cancer-Gemini cusps, Dennis Wilson, Geminis, hot cocoa, the Beach Boys

Thursday , June 18, 2009

Happy Birthday, Sir Paul McCartney!

Whoop-a-lye Scooby doo wop Shooweeee!!!!! It's CANCEMINI FORTNIGHT!!!! For two weeks out of every year, us crazies come out to play! Ahhh, the comfort and solace of these magical two weeks that fall at the end of June, like Father's Day, when all us manically-depressed (and/or manically-repressed, in the case of Sir Paul McCartney) Gemicancers finally have a chance at enjoying emotional stability and- dare I say???- happiness!! We are in our creepy dualistic lunar element! Enjoy it, Canceminis! You will be crying once more, come July.

Let us kick off the CANCEMINI FORTNIGHT festivities by taking a moment out of our busy lives to celebrate the accomplishments and awesomeness of today's birthday boy, one Sir James Paul McCartney. Because nobody ever does that. Poor Paul McCartney- such an undervalued individual! Paul turns SIXTY-SEVEN today, which is a really sketchily old age for Paul McCartney to be turning. Don't die, Paul McCartney!

Luckily for me, who is lazy right now, everything I could ever say in honor of Sir Paul's legacy has already been succinctly expressed by the geniuses over at Fidelity Investments, or whatever advertising firm is responsible for creating this ever-entertaining slice of Grade-A Paul McCartney Propaganda/commercial for Fidelity Investments:

Happy Birthday, Paul McCartney! My gift to you is not eating meat, and being obsessed with you.

Signed,
Your fellow Cancemini,
Laura Jane

Tags: Cancemini Fortnight, Canceminis, Fidelity Investments, Geminis, Laura loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney, Sir James Paul McCartney, Sir Paul McCartney

Monday , December 15, 2008

Happy Birthday, Rodney Bingenheimer! (12 Ways to Celebrate the Mayor of the Sunset Strip)

Rodney Bingenheimer (aka Rodney on the Roq, The Mayor of the Sunset Strip, THE MOST LEGENDARY RADIO DJ THAT HAS EVER WALKED THE EARTH) turns 61-years-young today! Here are 12 ways to honor his godheadness.

1. Time travel back to 12 a.m. Pacific time this morning/last night and listen to Rodney's radio show while drinking many cans of Diet Rite.

2. Look at lots of pictures of Rodney. Here's Rodney with KISS, and with Debbie Harry.

3. Joyfully exclaim "It's all happening!" at least five times before sundown. Almost Famous didn't invent that shit: Rodney did.

4. Drink another Diet Rite and listen to Rodney's life story in his own words, as told in "Rodney" by the GTOs. Rodney gets beaten up by Brian Jones! But he's better in bed than Ringo Starr! (Download at WFMU's Beware of the Blog.)

5. Watch this video of Rodney introducing Brian Wilson to Ronnie Spector's version of "Don't Worry, Baby," then slug your heart and tear up a little. Then go watch Mayor of the Sunset Strip in its entirety.

6. Stop by Canter's at nighttime and sit somewhere near Rodney's booth, but totally chicken out on talking to him and instead walk over to the bakery for a piece of chocolate rugelach. Or, just go say hi! He's supernice, for sure.

7. Download "Rodney on the ROQ" by Brian Wilson, and listen over and over and over and feel really happy about everything in the world. It's here. P.S. IF YOU DON'T DO THIS YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVER.

8. Gaze sighingly at this photo of Rodney and Grunge Keanu Reeves. Yowza.

9. Buy Liz Barker a copy of The Best of Rodney on the ROQ. It's her own birthday in 13 days, after all.

10. Then go buy Liz Barker whichever Modern Folk Quartet record has "This Could Be the Night" so she doesn't have to wait till Rodney's show's on and/or play this YouTube video every time she wants to hear its dreaminess:

11. Don't subject yourself to J.P. Manoux's criminally bad Rodney impression in that goddamn What We Do Is Secret movie. In fact, a good way to celebrate life in general would be to never see What We Do Is Secret.

12. Go find Rodney's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (it's in front of the DSW at Hollywood Galaxy Mall), have a seat on the sidewalk, listen to Sonny & Cher and the Ramones and X and Oasis and the Ting Tings and the Byrds on your headphones. Drink a can of Diet Rite. Life is good and grand, because there is Rodney Bingenheimer. Happy birthday, Rodney! It's all happening!

Tags: birthdays, godheads, love, radio, Rodney Bingenheimer

Thursday , October 9, 2008

AN OPEN LETTER TO DEAD JOHN LENNON ON HIS 68th BIRTHDAY

Dear John Lennon,

You should not be dead. You should be alive, celebrating your 68th birthday with Yoko Ono, the love of your life. I wonder what you would be doing to celebrate your 68th birthday? Maybe you would take a stroll around Central Park. If you were alive, there would be no Strawberry Fields in Central Park. I think this is a fair trade-off. I would way rather have you be alive than have the Imagine mosaic. Truth be told, the Imagine mosaic is a bit corny- sorry, Yoko!

+ Continue reading "AN OPEN LETTER TO DEAD JOHN LENNON ON HIS 68th BIRTHDAY"

Tags: birthdays, genius, John Lennon, Laura loves The Beatles, Paul McCartney