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Monday , November 9, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Faux Fur Coats, Perfect Shitkickers

FAUX FUR AND FOXY

I don't know why I missed out on last month's Imaginary Winter Coat Edition of ISS; probably I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian, to quote that bumper sticker lots of girls used to stick to their dorm fridges in college. But yeah, I need a winter coat, in a very non-imaginary kind of way, and I want it to be Faux-Fur and Foxy - the ol' "triple F," if you will. These be the pretend animals I want to put on my body. (Liz)

(L to R, top to bottom: Diane von Furstenberg's Indina Mongolian faux fur jacket is so "Rooftop George," we don't even need to call it "Rooftop George," so let's don't. This H&M one's maybe my fave, but there's the problem of how this winter I'm going to wear a faux leopard fur hat all the time, and mixing make-believe leopard with make-believe snow leopard seems like a terrible idea. Won't they get into a make-believe fight? That seems really make-believe dangerous. No double leopards in 2009, or ever after! Graham & Spencer's Long Hair Faux Fur Jacket reminds me of the coat LJ wore the night we went out for Thai food and I took pictures of her repeatedly kicking a Little Orphan Annie poster in the face, which was really subversive and cool. But probs what I'll end up going for will be something secondhand, like the jackets I found at Lucky and Marmalade's Etsy shops. Hoorah for me, and for animals everywhere.)

PERFECT SHITKICKERS

Maybe it was all that expounding upon my love of army parkas that I did recently, but lately I've been reminiscing about and re-romanticizing my love of combat boots. Like parkas, it began as a high school fashion thing for me -- I still remember my first pair, which were steel-toed, beat-up and completely bad-ass. I still have that pair somewhere in my parents' basement, and while they're way too dilapidated to wear out anymore, I still slip them on and look fondly upon the duct tape that's barely holding them together and the barely discernible black markered band names and lyrics scrawled on them. (Apparently I had a thing for super-earnest Fugazi lyrics.) I have been feeling a strangely palpable need to resurrect a pair of real shitkickers in my life, most likely because I need to kick some serious ass in the next few months on several fronts. But I've been craving a more vintage-y take than the usual army-navy thing, kind of like an imaginary WWI style, and these Steve Madden ones hit that spot in a serious way for me. I don't think I'll be scrawling the lyrics to "Merchandise" on them in Sharpie marker, although the idea of emblazoning the sole with YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU OWN has a delicious irony to it. (Kat)

Tags: combat boots, double leopards, Etsy, faux fur, Fugazi lyrics, jackets, kicking Annie in the face, leopards, shitkickers, winter

Monday , November 2, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Pixi Beauty, Many a Killer T-shirt

WELCOME TO KAT'S DARK SIDE, WHICH IS REALLY A LIGHT SIDE: PIXI BEAUTY

I often miss doing more fashion/beauty stuff on nogoodforme, like I did at the beginning, before I began to be more obsessed with charting my cultural obsessions like the Scandinavian imaginary, horror film canonization, Banks Violette and the like. I like to be all hardcore and intellectual, but deep down I know I'm a girly girl and I need both in my life to keep me happy. This is all to say that I go through random beauty product bullshit on a periodical basis, and the latest incarnation of this is a weird fixation I have with trying out different products from the Pixi line. I first encountered Pixi on a whirlwind trip to London in 2008, where I bought one of the few lip products I have ever used up. Now most of it is at Target, and I get super-excited to go home to Illinois and muck about the less picked-over environs of the Pixi aisle, which is less crazyville than the Brooklyn Target. (Target, please, make this store less nutso! Or bring Pixi back to the Bronx Target, yo!) The price point is on par with other high-end makeup lines, which means in comparison to other Target products, it's a little heart attack-inducing. But I think it's mostly worth it, mostly 'cause I love the natural, sheer colors and the whimsical packaging, not to mention many of the products' high performance.

FAVORITES AND WANTS

1. Pixi Lip Blush in Purity: This is so good. This lip stain lasts a long time, smells like fresh candy, and comes in a super-fun marker-type package that you can scribble upon your lips with, thus replicating the time I tried to color my lips in with Crayola marker in red. Doh! This particular color looks browner than it is in real life...it's more like a rosy-nude that interacts with your natural lip color and makes it all rosy and just-bitten.

2. Pixi Flawless Beauty Primer: I never really understood the primer business, mostly 'cause I rarely wear foundation, but loads of makeup obsessives I know swear by it, saying it makes their skin really smooth and their foundation longer-lasting. You can actually wear this stuff on its own, I think. It's not as glistening as other primers, so you won't feel like you're sparkling like a disco ball, and it evens skin tone nicely while giving you a glow that doesn't look too fake. I actually treat this like a skincare product and apply it right after putting on moisturizer in the morning, and it seems to last a long time, not to mention make my skin really soft but not greasy.

3. Pixi Eye Bright Kit in Medium/Tanned: I think most kits are bunk, and honestly, I don't about half of this (the concealers...they don't match my skin). But the browbone highlighter and the pinky-nude bit that you put on the inner and outer corner of your eyes? Pure genius. You dab it on your browbone and in the dark parts of the corners of your eyes and really do look about ten times more alert. Everyone always tells me I look "refreshed" when I wear this, which makes me wonder just how tired I look in real life. Hmmm, must stop going out as much...not! LIVE HARD!

4. Pixi Sheer Cheek Gel in Natural: This is now my favorite blusher of all time. This color, a warm, mellow pink, looks as genius on a olive-skinned dark-haired Asian chick as well as my porcelain-skinned blonde best gal pal. Unless cream or powder blusher, gel blushers take on the texture of your skin, so it really does look like you have a lovely flush to your skin. This is another one of those products where people tell you that you look so healthy when you wear it. Deception! Love it!

5. Pixi Wakeup Kit: I don't have this yet, but I am enamored of it. Like most kits, I probably will not use nearly 2/3rds of it, but isn't it just so cute? I'm a sucker for good packaging.

IF I COULD ONLY EAT ONE FOOD FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, IT WOULD BE T-SHIRTS

When I was in high school, I used to ask people: "If you were a cartoon character, and could only wear outfit, because that is how cartoon characters roll, what would it be?" My answer is: these jeans, Beatle boots, a red cardigan, and A REALLY KILLER T-SHIRT, like maybe a Kinks one or something. All I care about is killer t-shirts. I have many already, and I want more. I'll get more! Here are some more ones that I want. They are from a British website called asos.com, which is awesome. Case in point: TAPESTRY KITTY-CAT MOTORCYCLE JACKET. But I digress.

At left: Sometimes, even happy faces turn into vampires! It's a cruel, cruel world. This t-shirt was in British Vogue, further proving that UK Vogue is superior to the barfo American version, as if we didn't all know that already. This t-shirt is so killer! I would probably pair it with, like, "jeans." UNBEATABLE!

At right: Obvsduh "animal t-shirts" are overdone, but so are a lot of things that I think are great. For instance: the Beatles. I am particularly into this bunny t-shirt because there are two of them, and one has dark hair and one has light hair, so I would wear it while hanging out with "my porcelain-skinned blonde best gal pal" (to quote Kat Asharya) and be like "You're HER, and I'm HER!" and it would be so cute and funny and fun! I wonder if either of these bunnies are Delverts??

At left: The decal on this t-shirt is sort of like if you mixed the Rolling Stones mouth logo with the Apple Records logo. This t-shirt is a "meeting of minds", you could say. It also looks like the shape of it would look hot on every single person in the world, not counting dudes.

At right: LOOK MAYBE I BELIEVE THIS T-SHIRT TO BE A GENUINELY SUBVERSIVE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING. It communicates to the world: "Gosh! It's so ANNOYING and also PROBLEMATIC how expensive YSL is!" Mostly I like this t-shirt because I think the pound sign is really cool-looking: ££££££££££. When I was young, I used to write "£$D" all over everything. I wish this was an "£$D" t-shirt. Will somebody please make me one? It's what I'd wear, if I were a cartoon character. (Laura Jane)

Tags: blonde best friends, British Vogue, bunnies, cartoon characters, Delverts, Imaginary Shopping Spree, Laura loves the Beatles, Pixi Beauty, t-shirts, Target, tees please

Tuesday , October 20, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: The Imaginary Winter Coat Edition

HAVE I EVER MENTIONED THAT I HATE WINTER?

Cuz, like, I do. The only halfway-decent thing about the wintertime is the way shopping malls smell on December Fifteenth. And then sometimes The Body Shop will release limited-edition seasonally-scented lip balms that remind me of the smell of mid-Decembered shopping malls, and I buy them, and that's pretty okay. Otherwise, it's total garbage from start to finish. One of the clear worst-worsts of the November-thru-March shitfest we call winter is that you have to wear the same damn coat every day, and winter coats are expensive as shit, so you can never afford to buy more than one per every three years, and wearing the same coat every day forever GETS REALLY OLD. "If I were rich, I would have, like, twelve winter coats!" notes my winter-self, every day of the winter. This is what I like to call The Great Winter Coat/Imagined Wealth Paradox. While it is true that if I were Martha Stewart-level wealthy, I could drop hella cash on hella hot jackets, the greater truth of it is that, if I were Martha Stewart Rich, I wouldn't live in a climate requiring winter coats. But I guess I would have to come home for Christmas, or I might visit London for a week, or go to Aspen or something. In which case, I would totes drop $14,555 on these bad boys:

1. Stella McCartney Tufted Wool Coat (A modest $8,845, net-a-porter.com): This coat is like the Girlsy-Swirlsy 2009 Edition of George Harrison's rooftop coat! George Harrison Rooftop Chic as articulated by Paul McCartney's daughter? Cold hard proof that the Circle of Life is real after all, so take that, all y'all Rafiki-haters out there! As per net-a-porter's recommendation, I would pair this floofy pile of beauteous ugliness with Stella's "sexy-sadistic" perforated thigh-high boots, and then maybe lame the whole deal up with this wildly retarded John Lennon t-shirt.

2. Gareth Pugh Diamond Quilted Jacket (A scant $2,610, barneys.com): This one's meant for the dudes, but I don't think dudes would look very good in this jacket, except David Bowie. Unless your name is David Bowie, HERE is the exact winter coat you should buy, Dude(s). Wear it, and I swear I will make out with you on a skating rink, like, tomorrow. You'll wear hockey skates, and I'll wear figure skates. I'll also wear this Gareth Pugh wack-sterpiece with a flouncy little mini-skirt, and you'll just die over how cute my butt looks. It will be the 2009 equivalent of the part in The Catcher In The Rye when Holden Caulfield and that boring bitch go to Rockefeller Center.

3. Proenza Schouler Quilted Leather Jacket (A meager $2,450, La Garconne): The Yoko Ono of Winter Coats? I want this jacket more than my life. I would rather have this jacket than $2,450. I would rather own this jacket than meet Ringo Starr. I would sacrifice the existence of Nilsson Schmilsson by Harry Nilsson, the entire band The Move, "Dead End Street" (but NOT "Afternoon Tea"!!!) by the Kinks, Zac Efron, and 2 or 3 Laura Jane Inner Circle members to own this jacket. Perhaps I should set up a "Buy Me This Jacket" Kickstarter account? I'm sure people will deem that "A Worthy Cause."

4. Pendleton Meets Opening Ceremony Tight Peplum Coat ($650? CHUMP CHANGE, I say!): It's sort of nauseating how adorable this coat would look on me. Imaginary Rich Laura would rock it with these black Current/Elliott Motos I am "current"-ly dying over and my haute-TImbos, and Arthur (Or The Decline And Fall of the British Empire) on headphones. Because it is- and always will be- very important to match your clothes to your Kinks song. (Laura Jane)

I LIKE WINTER AND THINK COATS ARE RAD

If you know anything about nogoodforme that comes from the past year or so, you know that I am the sole member of the nogoodforme troika that likes winter. It's so fucking existential to bear this burden alone, but I'm used to it. I know that it's really weird, but I can't help it. I think winter is pretty, and I find people much more bearable in general during the season, probably because there are fewer of them out. As long as I'm bundled up in a warm, cute coat, nice boots, and scarves and hats and everything else, I'm content with my place in the season. Coats are key, and happily they're about my favorite thing to buy after boots. I already have a coat that I love and that goes with everything: a black military style Helmut Lang ripoff one from H&M with one of those big stand-up collars that not only makes me look like I could be Ian Curtis' spiritual little sister but doubles as additional neck protection. Being a girl member of Joy Division is one of my winter coat muses; the other, believe or not, is Audrey Hepburn, who is probably the most fashion-y cliche muse you could have. But I don't care -- the girl had it going on, and she wore great coats. It'd be great to add a more vintage-y coat to my repertoire, but whatever...when it's cold out, who really wants to go shopping? Still, I like these options from the collabo that Ruffian is doing with Anthropologie. It's called Mise En Scene and it's super-cute and totally up the sophisticated librarian-chic lady's alley, which is an alley I like to go into during the week occasionally when I feel like copping something a bit more cozy and charming on the sartorial tip. I want to wear the beautifully pared-down and elegant dress coat with skinny black jeans and my most avant-garde pyramid-heel stilettos when I go to the Metropolitan Opera next week to see Turandot, and I would wear the totes charming standard overcoat when I sit at the Hungarian Pastry Shop in the morning reading Elaine Dundy's The Old Man and Me and trying not to kill myself because the second half of my Act Two in my screenplay is not working out. But alas, I don't have an extra near-$700 to get both coats. Or even $300+ to get just one. God, sometimes you just want to say to yourself, "FUCK RENT, BUY COATS INSTEAD!" (Kat)

left to right: Audrey Hepburn looking fly, who I think needs to be revisited and rethought out as a fashion icon; the dress coat by Ruffian for Anthropologie; their standard overcoat, with super-cute ruffly collar; Ian Curtis of Joy Division, my other winter coat fashion icon.

Tags: Audrey Hepburn, dudes, George Harrison Rooftop Chic, Holden Caulfield, Ian Curtis, Imaginary Shopping Spree, Laura Hates Winter, Laura loves the Kinks, Martha Stewart RIch, Proenza Schouler, Stella McCartney, winter coats

Tuesday , October 13, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Stella McCartney "Fruit of the Week" Knickers, Linda Derector Eyeglasses

IN A PERFECT WORLD, EVEN MY UNDERWEAR WOULD BE PAUL McCARTNEY-RELATED

rsz_20090405-stella-mccartney-fruits-of-the-week-briefs-436x590.jpg Life was really rough for poor Eye Infection-Era Laura Jane. After twenty-two straight days of "Rear Window-in' it," I (understandably) went a little crazy, and decided that, after my eyes no longer resembled Mac from Mac and Me's, only redder, I was going to try sluttiness on for size. I named my never-to-be-realized October Life Concept "Laura Jane's Slutty October." I even went so far as to Google "how to meet men," which taught me that dudes like it when you rub up against them at the bar. Ew! On October First, I tried. The creepy bartender told me he was going to make me the best Whisky Sour of my life (he didn't). I sat at a table and wrote out a list of Reasons Why My October Life Concept Could Be Sluttiness I Guess; the only one that resonated at all was that I have seriously the world's sickest "adorable underwear" collecksh and it pisses me off that it's wasted on unappreciative me. Then the creepy bartender (who I can only assume was a Bob Marley-loving Virgo) sat down across from me and asked me what I was writing, which, like, doesn't work, okay? In turn, I gouged his eyes out with my ballpoint, ran home, listened to "Susannah's Still Alive" by the Kinks several times, related to it, and decided to save my adorable underwear collecksh for marriage.

I thought this tale of sluttiness lost would provide a cleaner segue into discussing what a sick addition to my adorable underwear collecksh Stella "Paul's Daughter" McCartney's "Fruit Of The Week" knickers set would make, but apparently not. Moral of the Story: If you're the kinda girl who gets all worked up over the possibility of having a "Pineapple Thursday" underwear day, you're probably more of a sweetheart than a skank. What can I say? When it comes to the fellas, I'd rather be taken to the symphony than the STD clinic. CALLA LILIES NOT CHLAMYDIA!!! (LJ)

I WANT FOUR EYES, REAL BAD

The only thing that I actually (as in ACTUAL REAL LIFE) need to buy these days are a new set of glasses. It is shameful, and I'm sure that the optometrically-oriented among you would be appalled, but I still wear the same pair of glasses I got ten years ago. What a horrible waste of a grand accessorizing opportunity! I took the plunge and recently underwent a bit of an odyssey to find super-awesome glasses, but am really kind of discouraged -- it's way easier to find a stunning Ann Demeulemeester dress at a secondhand shop than to find an equally individualistic, awesome pair of frames that aren't emblazoned with designer logos AND are sturdy enough to last years and years, i.e., that aren't fake fashion-y glasses. What's a wannabe contact lens-eschewer to do? If money were no object, I'm super, super-tempted to go to Linda Derector and pick up a pair of their wonderfully curated vintage frames and get real lenses put in them. But I fear if they knew of my nefarious plans, they would ban me from the store in an attempt not to sully their wares' design integrity. (Don't worry, Ms. Derector: I can't afford your frames! Boo hoo!) Still, a girl can dream, even if she's sending out an SOS: help me find non-lame eyeglass frames, somebody! (Kat)

(My favorites: a vintage pair of Bulgari sunglasses; beautiful wooden frames from Revue; Harry Lary's)

Tags: adorable underwear, glasses, Laura loves the Kinks, Linda Derector, Mac and Me, October, Paul McCartney, sluttiness, Stella McCartney, sweetheartism

Monday , October 5, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: John Lennon's ACTUAL Talisman Necklace

There is certainly no shortage of things a person could do with the princely sum of $500,000 USD. What would you do with $500,000? Would you buy a charming red-brick townhouse off of Prospect Park? Would you "Monopoly It"? ("Monopoly-ing It" means "investing your money in hotels or railroads or the stock market or something") You could buy a thousand vintage Elsa Schiaparelli dresses, or drink really good wine forever. New computer, twelve iPhones, spike your ramen with truffle oil. Self-publish your first novel? Twenty Orange amplifiers! Move to France and buy a dog! A pony! A dog and a pony!

Personally, I would blow it on the actual Talisman necklace that John Lennon sported near-obsessively between the years 1967 and 1969. Then, my contribution to every Seasonal Fashion Concept post always and forever would be "Some Clothes, Plus JOHN LENNON'S ACTUAL TALISMAN NECKLACE!" and it'd be groovy. Boy, being "Martha Stewart Rich" is going to kick ass. All my friends will be like "Hey, Laura Jane, what are you up to today?" and I'd be like "Oh, I'm going to a Sotheby's Beatles memorabilia auction to go buy a napkin that Paul McCartney once wrote a word on." 20K well-spent!

PS: This one sketchy-looking company sells very tacky reproductions of John Lennon's Talisman necklace. I don't want one at all.

Tags: France, Imaginary Shopping Spree, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Orange amplifiers, ramen noodles

Tuesday , September 29, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Huset Extravaganza

As we head into the last quarter of 2009, I like to revisit the intentions I set out for myself in the New Year and reevaluate depending on how my needs and desires have shifted, as needs and desires often do. Cultivated my inner Dita Von Teese? Check, right down to the super-hot lingerie and red lipstick. Simplicity and clarity? That's an ongoing project, and I don't mind making out like a conceptual artist to help me reach that total Zen-ness that will help me be a more beatific human being, bring beauty and justice to the world, and help nogoodforme in its quest for total world domination. The latest thing I have been into, having stumbled upon the idea while writing our epic series of entries on our Favorite Records Of All Time, is cultivating my inner Scandinavian. (Who knew enlightenment could come via Facebook quizzes?) Whether it's the Swedish concept of lagom or the Danish idea of hygge, I love the core of coziness, intimacy, modesty and practicality that seems to be a hallmark of the Scandinavian lifestyle -- who doesn't love those things, especially as winter approaches and all you want to do is cuddle up in your house with tea and wool socks in front of a fire? Yet this is also a region where doom/death/black metal thrives, where the nights get long as knives and people go fucking mental when they drink 'cause they just can't handle it. Cozy 'n happy AND dark 'n hedonistic? SIGN ME UP. Step one in cultivating my spiritual Scandinavian: coveting various objects of the remarkable design culture coming out of northern Europe, many superlative examples of which can be found at my new favorite website, Huset, one of the most kick-ass online shops devoted to the modern Scandinavian aesthetic awesome. I hunt this site like a polar bear hunts a seal in the Arctic circle: with fierce intensity and concentration because I WANT I WANT I WANT.

+ Continue reading "Imaginary Shopping Spree: Huset Extravaganza"

Tags: I DIE, I WANT, insanity, shopping, spiritually Scandinavian

Monday , September 21, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Look From London tights, Mastodon Vans

The reason I'm lumping these two lovelies together is they're both things I may very well buy sometime soonish and then put on my feet/legs. I'm not 100 percent sold on the Look From London tights, as the placement of the eye of the feather kind of wigs me out a little, but I'm so over the moon for the Mastodon Blood Mountain Vans and think about them every other second of every day. The only thing holding me back from me and my second pair of wannabe-metalhead Vans is I've yet to rake in the cash from all the books I'm selling on Half.com to subsidize my Vans habit (which also led me to the recent purchase of my beautiful Kime Buzzelli high-tops that I love so much). Last night Emily Richmond and I were hanging out on Bobbie and I told her about my Vans/Half.com scheme and she asked, "What does that say about you, Barker?" and I replied: "That I'm sacrificing my brain to make my feet look good," and then said something about being spiritually imperiled, but that's not true at all: I'm sure those shoes'll make my spirit shine in a way that all my copies of L.A. Candy and Running With Scissors and some fucking Chuck Palahniuk book combined could never ever manage, not in a zillion years.

Tags: boats, books, Emily Richmond, Half.com, Iron Maiden Vans, Kime Buzzelli for Vans, Mastodon vans, peacocks, shoes, tights

Monday , September 14, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Pamela Love & Built By Wendy

"THE DEAD SHALL INHERIT THE RUNWAY"

I always thought being fashion Goth-y was a default style choice for me, expressive of the types of music and movies I'm into and my own general interest in such timeless and eternal concerns as death, sex and psychological mind games. (My sun sign is Cancer, but I think my fashion id is a Scorpio.) But I'm starting to realize what an all-encompassing commitment it is, and I am in awe of its endurance and general characteristics as a fashion lifestyle. Gothiness actually radically conservative in its total aesthetic consistency: if it doesn't have the patina of sex-as-death and death-as-life, then IT IS JUST NOT GOTH. There is no two ways about this. Yet despite this strict Goth code, it's incredibly elastic as an aesthetic, able to commingle and co-opt other visual subcultures with surprising flexibility. Cute lil' bunnies: not Goth. Cute lil' zombie bunnies, though: kawaii-meets-total fucking Goth godhead. Happy hippie birds flying through the air through a lovely canyon: not Goth. Cadavers of aforementioned birds: hippie-slayed-by-Goth. Basically, add mortality and you get Goth. (All this is why, when I hear people talk about wanting to have a more consistent style, I just tell them to be Goth. It's easy. Start with skulls, move onto Rick Owens and BLAMMO! Goth!) I only mention all of this because right now the epitome of fashion Goth to me is embodied by this Pamela Love talon cuff, sold for a lot of money at our favorite Bona Drag; the talon of a bird could ONLY be Goth in the form of a bracelet. The whole bird is a symbol of national pride and patriotism; the whole dead bird is just taxidermy. But take just a (symbolic) bit of that dead bird, make a bracelet of it, and it's absolute fashion Goth in its arresting morbidity. You can put money on it: after nearly every fashion aesthetic comes and perishes, Goth will remain. The dead shall inherit the runway. Long live the living dead. (Kat)

QUITE SIMPLY: IT'S A HOT DRESS THAT LOOKS GOOD ON ME

Last Friday, I made the idiotic mistake of trying on this Built By Wendy Night-Time Ruffle Minidress at Robber (Which, FYI, is the Laura Jane-endorsed " Best Non-Vintage Clothing Store in Toronto") Isn't it just so "in no way annoying at all" to fall in love with items of clothing you will never be able to afford? But, being a writer and all, I have a great imagination- just ask my kindergarten teacher! On Friday, I used my imagination to "fake-buy" this dress. I'll be wearing it to a fake prom I'm attending next week. It takes place in the late 1950s, and my date is Kenny Cosgrove from Mad Men, only wearing a Wu-Tang t-shirt. He is the captain of the football team. We slow-dance to "Waiting To Know You" by the Fiery Furnaces, which is the only Fiery Furnaces love song worth my salt. Then, my eye infection clears up and animals are talking and John Lennon comes alive, they make the Beatles into Happy Meal toys and there is a law that all kitties have to be purple!!! My imagination is very good, and this dress is very pretty. (Laura Jane)

Tags: BLAMMO!, Built by Wendy, falsity, fashion theory, Goth, Kenneth Cosgrove, Mad Men, Pamela Love, Robber, the Fiery Furnaces, the power of my imagination, Toronto, Wu-Tang Clan t-shirts

Monday , September 7, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Betsy B Designs, With Hearts In My Eyes, the Official Uniform of Laura Jane's Self-Actualization

BETSY B DESIGNS

Etsy as an endeavor is amaaaaaaazzzzzziiiiiiiiiiinnnnnngggggg, but there's no denying that a hardcore arty-intellectual minimalist would have a hard time finding that perfectly sculptural yet poetic something on it. (I kinda think it is hard to find anything on Etsy; it's like the most intense browsing experience ever.) However, having a hardcore arty-intellectual minimalist as my superego, (i.e., the part of my fashion identity that likes to yell at my fashion id and ego for liking adorable vintage dresses and dressing like my 9-year old nephew), I am here to help. I recently found a few items by Betsy B Designs and have totally fallen in love -- the designs are lovely and feminine but completely unfussy, and they're made of eco-friendly materials whenever possible. I love this particular dress and tunic top:

My fashion superego is appeased by both items' simplicity and clean, beautiful lines. Of course, my fashion id is screaming for something bright yellow and my fashion ego is checking my budget, but pleasing all parts of your fashion psychic apparatus is near impossible sometimes. (Kat)

A VERY LAVENDER LACE LABOR DAY

In my dream life, instead of being sick/working on Labor Day, I'm lying in a densely poppy-populated field in the middle of nowhere with some total babe, sopping up the sunshine, 75 SPF unnecessary, eating apples, sipping alcoholic lavender limeade through a swirly straw and wearing lavender lace pants by With Hearts In My Eyes, listening to an iTunes Genius mix based on "Shine On Heaven" by White Magic, which has "Stewed Bark of an Old Tree" by Devendra Banhart and "Baltimore" by Stephen Malkmus and "Pardon My Heart" by Neil Young and "Head Spins" by High Places and somehow plays magically from the sky so I don't have to shove those stupid marshmallow earbuds in my ears. That's not what today is like at all, but maybe Labor Day 2010 will be exactly like that. Let's hope. (Liz)

AN OUTFIT TO SOLVE ALL MY PROBLEMS

As we all know, the only true happiness is that which comes from within. Never the lesser, I'd way rather be reaping the benefits of inner oneness while wearing something fabulous than schlubby sweatpants and a sauce-stained wifebeater. The outfit pictured above is the Official Uniform of Laura Jane's Self-Actualization. If I had it, my life would be complete. Seasonal fashion concepts may come and go, but my Life Fashion Concept will always be "J.Crew on J.Crack," which I have recently re-named "J.Crew on J.Crackerjack," because crack is wack. The outfit pictured above is named "J.Crew on J.Cracker-jackadory." The crystalline Fleur-de-lys cardi (a) (from J.Crew, no duhsville) speaks directly to my heart of hearts, because that, along with my blood, is where I store my French heritage. It makes a lot of sense why I would want a Kinks t-shirt (b); sadly, Kinks t-shirts are really hard to come by. Apparently, the only ones that exist in the world are tour jerseys dating from the early eighties, and they all cost $100+ on eBay. This one's kinda killer- too bad I'm kinda kashless. It's kinda self-explanatory why pretzel-print sneakers (c) (They are Keep Company Homers) would save my soul, I love pretzels! I think they'd look so sick sockless with these Don Draper-esque wool trousers (d) (also from J.Crackity), which seem like they'd be as komfortable as jeans, though much kinda klassier. (LJ)

Tags: babes, Betsy B Designs, Devendra Banhart, Don Draper, ego, fashion psychic apparatus, French from France, id, J.Crew on J.Crack, J.Crew on J.Crackerjack, Laura loves the Kinks, lavender, Neil Young, poppies, pretzels, self-actualization, Sigmund Freud, superego, White Magic, With Hearts In My Eyes

Sunday , July 26, 2009

Imaginary Shopping Spree: Liaison ankle cuffs, Hot Dude Clothes

APING COURTNEY LOVE ALL OVER AGAIN

Until Courtney Love Twitpic-ed this pic the other day, it never occurred to me that ankle cuffs might exist. Now all I ever think about is ankle cuffs! I want a feathery one, from Liaison: either one of these two Swanky Luxe cuffs will do quite beautifully, thank you. (Liz)

LAURA JANE HELPS A BROTHER OUT

I've been mean to poor dudes on nogoodforme.com lately, and it's time to put the kibosh on this highly unfair dude-negativity. 98% of dudes are very gross, of course, which is all the more reason to celebrate the sexy awesomeness of the remaining 2%! Hot dudes are the shit. They dress so hot. When it comes to dressing themselves, dudes have it all right, in some ways. In theory, the Dude General Wardrobe Policy is fucking genius: five t-shirts, two Oxfords, one sweater, a hoody, three pairs of jeans, one pair of sneakers, and one pair of non-sneakers. Right?!? Are you a dude? Did you just have your mind blown by how I just described your entire wardrobe exactly? I know. I'm smart. And so are you!

The only thing that sucks about the Dude General Wardrobe Policy is that dudes without girlfriends gravitate towards boring, ugly shit. Poor, timid dudes. So scared to try new things! Why, dudes? Do you think you will die if you wear pink? You won't. Worry not- help is on the way!

I found out about this sick website called bblessing.com from Chris of The Upper Lip. If I were the sort of person who sat in front of her computer stoned at 2 AM picking out imaginary outfits for her imaginary dude boyfriend, bblessing.com would probably come in real handy. But I'm not, so I wouldn't know. In addition to being a website, Bblessing is a real live store, on Orchard Street! If you are a dude who lives in New York, you may as well just walk there now and buy the exact outfit posted above. Then you'll get a girlfriend, and look hot to me! Everybody wins. Some notes-

- The wild world of graphic t-shirts can be difficult to navigate; I realize this. They can go way wrong. The other day, I saw a frat boy wearing a graphic t-shirt that said "I'm kind of a big deal." This was an example of the graphic t-shirt gone way right. It suited him, and made me laugh. Cool choice, Bro. I like the "Dog" t-shirt because it suits any dude (dogs= the dudes of the animal kingdom), except for dudes who hate dogs. And if you are a dude who hates dogs, I don't even want to know you. You are a cold, cruel, heartless tyrant.

- Dudes, why are you so afraid of wearing shorts? You can be so irrational sometimes. It makes me sad to see all these poor dudes being too hot (as in, "not cold") in the summertime, because they insist on wearing jeans in 90-degree weather. Stupid dudes. Nobody's asking you to wear leopard-print mini-shorts. You're a dude, not Laura Jane Faulds! Just buy the ones I'm telling you to buy. You'll thank me in the end.

- This anorak is the exact perfect amount of "wacky" that I feel more dudes could stand to embrace. It's seriously the hottest shit this side of George Harrison circa 1967. If George Harrison circa 1967 were George Harrison circa 2009, he'd wear it for sureskies. Chew on that, Dudes!

In my opinion, every single dude in the world could stand to dress a little more like Don Draper. Actually, I retract that. What I mean to say is, every single dude in the world could stand to dress exactly like Don Draper. But at once, I can see how it would be kind of uncomfortable to always be wearing a three-piece suit, and being uncomfortable fucking sucks, so fuck that. As such, the easiest way to incorporate "Draperism" into your DGWP is by sporting cuff links as frequently as possible. I found the hot, sexy cuff links pictured above by searching "vintage cuff links" on eBay. It took me about three minutes, and they all cost less than $15. WHY NOT, DUDES?!?!?!

The shilling ones are mad classy, and classic, like George Martin. The dog ones would look really fly if you were wearing a plaid button-down over top of the "Dog" t-shirt you just bought. Dog-themed outfits= A+. The Queen of Hearts ones would be cute for a girlfriend to buy for her dude boyfriend; you could be like "I'm the Queen of your heart!" and then your dude boyfriend would look hot in cuff links, and then you'd make out. Everybody wins. Lastly, the "Buy and Sell" ones are amazing, if you are a trader, or want to rock a high-concept look named "irono-stockbroker dude-chic." If I had a dude boyfriend, I would buy him the "Buy and Sell" ones, only instead of "Buy" and "Sell," they would say "Laura" and "Jane." (Laura Jane)

Tags: ankle cuffs, Courtney Love, dogs, Draperism, Dude General Wardrobe Policy, dudes, Etsy, feathers, George Harrison, irono-stockbroker dude-chic, Liaison

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