Wednesday , April 15, 2009
TOO DUDE FOR YOU: Grigori Rasputin, Russia's Greatest Love Machine
Whattup, Comrades? Today's installment of Soviet Appreciation Week is dedicated to the mysticism and beguile of Grigori Rasputin, one of history's all-time sexiest crazies. Pretty much everything you need to know about Grigori Rasputin (except for his zodiac sign, which was puzzlingly omitted, but worry not- he's a Capricorn/Aquarius cusp. Scorpio would have been too obvious) can be summed up by the lyrics to minor disco hit "Rasputin" by Boney M.
I. "He was big and strong/In his eyes a flaming glow"
If the terrifying stare Rasputin exhibits in the image below ain't "a flaming glow," I don't know what is. It is entirely probable that Rasputin may not actually have been a mystical healer/prophet/Son of God so much as a manipulative nutjob blessed with a heaping dose of persuasive powers, and sexiness. Many of Rasputin's critics argued that Rasputin was a big phony, searching only for money, power, and fame. Other Rasputin-haters claim that Rasputin's healing powers could mostly be attributed to a contraband Aspirin hook-up.
If this is the case, that is the fucking coolest thing I've ever heard in my life. It is 2009, and the world still kind of believes that Rasputin had magical powers, but he actually just had a bottle of Aspirin! I love Rasputin. Rasputin's not a businessman; he's a business, moozh-chee-na. (That's how you say "man" in Russian.)
II. "Most people looked at him with terror and with fear/ But to Moscow chicks he was such a lovely dear"
No shit he was such a lovely dear! If Rasputin shaved his beard off, he would be chiseled and beautiful, in a Tony Perkins-meets-Max Ernst-meets-Andrew Bird* kind of way.
*I hate Andrew Bird's music; it's wussy. He's really pretty, though.
III. "But when his drinking and lusting and his hunger for power became known to more and more people/ The demands to do something about this outrageous man became louder and louder"
Turn-of-the-century Russian nobility can be so judgmental sometimes! Who gives a care if Rasputin was balling Tsarina Alexandra? Even Tsar Nicholas II was all like, "Pssshh. Whatevs"- he knew it was worth it. How could anybody pass up the opportunity to have a charismatic shaman on their side? Besides, who would expect any less of freaking Rasputin? Dude was not exactly pious. One of my favourite things about Hot Stuff Grigori is that he was all about attaining divine grace through sin. According to Wikipedia, "this was one of the central secret doctrines [he] preached to (and practiced with- (!!!!)) his inner circle of society ladies."
That's smart of Rasputin. When you find out somebody is really religious or whatevs, you generally assume they're going to be all preachy and think you're going to Hell because you like bong hits and getting drunked and curse like a sailor and are a playa. But not our crafty Grigori! Grigori "Best of Both Worlds" Rasputin took the whole sinning shebang a step even further, miraculously figuring out how to use his religious fervor as a means of justifying his affinity for sinful behavior. Dude was so fucking clever. Honestly- if Liz Barker gets to marry early-1970s Kris Kristofferson, I am so marrying early-1900s Grigori Rasputin.
On our wedding day, I would wear a white Oxford with "RASPUTIN" spelled out in blood on the back, and he would carve "LJF" into his forehead. I need a man who can challenge me.
IV. "They put some poison into his wine/He drank it all and he said I feel fine"
True that, Boney M. A group of Russian nobles, led by a Prince named Felix and a "Grand Duke" (whatever the Helen Keller that is) named Dmitri, lured poor Grig to their palace, where they fed him cakes and red wine laced with enough cyanide to kill five men (Five! Not even just one or two! FIVE!); because he is (a) badass, Rasputin lived, or, according to skeptics, was never poisoned at all. Skeptics need to quit raining all over my Rasputin-worship parade.
Rasputin was eventually murdered by the same gang of evil Russian nobles who failed at poisoning him; there are a billion pictures of his mutilated corpse all over the Internet that you can look at if you feel like barfing all over yourself today. In true Rasputin style, he prophecized his own death and the fall of the Tsar's empire in a letter he wrote (in blood, probably) to a confidante, like, two weeks before his death. It reads as follows:
I feel that I shall leave life before January 1. I wish to make known to the Russian people, to Papa, to the Russian Mother and to the Children, to the land of Russia, what they must understand... if I am murdered by nobles, and if they shed my blood, their hands will remain soiled with my blood, for twenty-five years they will not wash their hands from my blood. They will leave Russia. Brothers will kill brothers, and they will kill each other and hate each other, and for twenty-five years there will be no nobles in the country. Tsar of the land of Russia, if you hear the sound of the bell which will tell you that Grigori has been killed, you must know this: if it was your relations who have wrought my death, then no one in the family, that is to say, none of your children or relations, will remain alive for more than two years.
Too true, too true!
V. ALSO, "RASPUTIN" BY BONEY M IS MAD-CATCHY:
Sunday , March 1, 2009
The TOO DUDE FOR YOU Review: Electric Arguments by The Fireman
"The TOO DUDE FOR YOU Review" was initially conceptualized by Liz Barker and her ex-boyfriend Wapner as a forum for discussing contemporary cinema in a "Siskel & Ebert meets Will & Grace"-type fashion. This week, me and my ex-boyfriend Trevor are carrying on the tradition with our thoughts on Electric Arguments by The Fireman, who are Sir Paul McCartney and some dude named Youth, who was in Killing Joke. To add our own Trevor & Laura twist to TDFY, we decided to get really drunk and stoned before recording ourselves listening to Paul McCartney and talking about it. This is appropriate, since 90% of our entire relationship was spent doing exactly that, only we didn't record it. As follows is a transcription of the smartest/stupidest/funniest things we said.
1. "Nothing too Much Just Out of Sight"
Trevor: (five seconds in) This is great.
Trevor: (twenty seconds in) This is badass.
Laura Jane: It has a "Helter Skelter" feel.
T: (something about Acid Mother's Temple)
LJ: It sounds like a sixty-year-old wrote "Helter Skelter." And I'm just wondering if it occurred to Paul McCartney or not that this is a sixty-year-old's attempt at re- no, deconstructing "Helter Skelter."
T: But you know what Paul always has to do? Paul always has to put in a perfect bridge.
LJ: Do you think he's trying to prove something to himself?
T: The song was way better before the perfect bridge.
LJ: I just think a perfect Paul McCartney bridge can never hurt. (a moment passes) Is he saying "hombre"?!?!
(The remainder of the song is spent trading off on impersonations of Paul McCartney saying "'Ello there, Hombre!")
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Tuesday , February 10, 2009
The TOO DUDE FOR YOU Review: He's Just Not That Into You
Conceived as a sort of "Siskel & Ebert" meets "Will & Grace," "The TOO DUDE FOR YOU Review" stars Liz and her vastly more cinematically savvy dude-pal Wapner. (Liz is Will and Siskel and Wapner's Grace and Ebert, by the way.) When not adjudicating disputes on syndicated television, Wapner writes about film for a website of some renown. He and Liz met in journalism class in the summer/fall semester of their youth, and the first movie they saw in the theater together was either Buffalo 66 or Meet Joe Black - guess which one they liked better.
LIZ: So, Wapner, I don't think there's all that much that needs to be said about He's Just Not That Into You that I didn't cover in the text I sent you after seeing it, which I believe went something like, "OMG THAT WAS SO FUCKING STUPID." But seriously...isn't it great that we straight white people have all these nice gay folks around to offer up sassy sex advice, plus those refreshingly uncomplicated people of color to shed some light on the silliness of our overly thinky white-people ways? Life is so beautiful.
WAPNER: I was talking to a friend after I saw the film and asked him, "Are you offended by the fact that in virtually every romantic comedy, gay people are either a Greek chorus or cheerleaders for the main characters?" He sighed and was like, "I guess that's just the way of the world right now" - like he was resigned to it. Still, for me, that was just one of the many problems with He's Just Not That Into You. Another is the fact that I learned next to nothing about any of the characters beyond their romantic troubles. I mean, if none of the people are flesh-and blood, why should we care about whether they find love, or they're getting cheated on, etc.? The whole thing seems so reductive - Guys are like this! The ladies are like that! - that I was surprised that parts of it had me caring at all. I shudder to think what this movie would have been had not every role been filled with a well-known actor to project certain feelings onto.
LIZ: Yeah...Scarlett Johansson's was the female character I cared about most, basically just because she was the only woman in the movie who seemed to have any interests (singing, doing yoga, wearing cute dresses) beyond obsessing about dudes. But in the end she's punished and winds up as The Lonely Slut or whatever, while Ginnifer Goodwin and Drew Barrymore are rewarded for whining their way through the whole damn movie.
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Tuesday , December 9, 2008
TOO GIFTED FOR YOU + Reader Discount (!) + Giveaway (!!!): For Dudes Who Like Subversive Polo Shirts
Attus Apparel polo shirts, 70% off if you use the coupon code
Wow, this entry is so off-the-hook with all sorts of reader goodness that I don't even know how to begin. Deep breath: Attus Apparel makes polo shirts, but not just any old polo shirts. Instead of featuring some lame little alligator, polo player or tiger on the front like some French investment banker or whatever, they feature emblems of skateboards, punk rockers, beer bottles, the middle finger -- basically subversive little graphics that speak more towards being a smirky, smart-ass 14-year old boy than being a fancy-pants grown dude. Attus have been written up all over the place from Fashionista to the New York Times and stuff, and now they are here at nogoodforme and are giving you readers a mega-whopping gigundo 70% off discount. Um, 70%? For reals? That shizzit is TEN TIMES better than a sample sale. Hell, it's better than Target! For those looking for gifts for that kinda strait-laced brother-in-law who works in banking or real estate or insurance and you just KNOW they're bored out of their mind when they go golfing with the boss -- this is perfect. It's also kind of perfect for that subversive preppy dude in your dorm. Or your little bro. Or your big bro. Or your dude best friend. Or just a dude you know who'd wear a polo shirt to begin with. Some dudes wear polo shirts, right? Anyway: the discount code is the classic nogoodforme phrase TooDudeForYou; use it at checkout and have a blast robbing the bank over the holidays, okay?
Anyway, if you really can't swing a 70% discount or you just like to live all edgy and risky, we also have two shirts to give away: for those with an inner metalhead, we have a hesher polo shirt, and we also have a broken heart skateboard polo for the, um, skaterboarders. (P.S., if you are a hippie skater, let me introduce you to Liz Barker, the best girl in America. LJ is the best girl in Canada, and I'm a woman, thank you very much. P.P.S, if you are a girl who likes polo shirts, Attus cuts their shirts pretty slim, so you could pretend to be trying to win this for your skinny manchild beau. I won't tell.) If you want to win a shirt, you have till this Friday at noon (Pacific time) to leave a comment in this entry and tell me the name of your favorite skater and/or favorite metal band EXCEPT Guns 'N Roses. That one is mine. Okay, you can say Guns 'N Roses, but only if you mean it and tell me your favorite song off of Chinese Democracy. Thank you very much and have a good day.
(P.P.P.S - Don't forget to put an email address when you comment.)
Thursday , October 23, 2008
The TOO DUDE FOR YOU Review: Rachel Getting Married
(New column, new column! And: new contributor, new contributor! Conceived as a sort of "Siskel & Ebert" meets "Will & Grace," "The TOO DUDE FOR YOU Review" features Liz and her big fancy movie-reviewer dude-pal who henceforth shall be known as "Wapner." Liz is Will and Siskel and Wapner's Grace and Ebert, by the way. Anyway, here's our new contributor's bio: "When not adjudicating disputes on syndicated television, Wapner writes about film for a website of some renown. He's currently listening to Regina Spektor and Albert Ayler, and wears clothes he found on the street." And a little background info: Liz and Wapner met in journalism class in the summer/fall semester of their youth. The first movie they saw in the theater together was either Buffalo 66 or Meet Joe Black - guess which one they liked better.)
Liz: Okay, first things first: Where on the Babe-O-Meter would you place Anne Hathaway? I give her an 8.7.
Wapner: In this movie, or in general? In general, I'd wholeheartedly agree. In this flick, I like the fact that she was effectively deglamorized. I know that's something that particularly beautiful actresses want when they're gunning for props from the Academy - Charlize Theron, I'm talking about you, dog - but here, I think she pulled off the "I'm-hot-but-damaged-look" less self-consciously than one would expect.
Liz: I hadn't really thought about that - partly because I'd been too preoccupied with this one mega-annoying thing about the "styling" of her character: This is a movie in which music is EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME - like, to a maddening degree for me - and the best they can come up with for Kym is a Misfits poster and a Sex Pistols sticker? Really? I kind of came out of feeling like the filmmakers didn't completely give a fuck about her character, because they were too caught up in being delighted with themselves over showing us this really quirky wedding or whatever. Is that unfair?
Wapner: That's what galled me most about the movie - which I think is very good, for the record. The wedding was a little...how do I put it? Too much. If I ever tie the knot, I want the Soft Boys to get back together and play "Underwater Moonlight" at the reception, which I consider one of the greatest odes to amour fou ever recorded. Glad to know Robyn's available, at least. And yes, I tire of shorthand set design - teenagers on television always have some sort of road sign, plus maybe a Dismemberment Plan poster in their rooms.
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Tuesday , October 14, 2008
Love Yr Blog: Larry "Fuzz-O" Dolman of Blastitude
(In which our most beloved bloggers expound upon undying crushes, spirit animals, and les objets du awesome you need to know about right now. In this edition: Larry Dolman, founder/writer/editor (like Kat, Liz and Laura Jane, all rolled into one!) of BLASTITUDE and BLOGSTITUDE)
Tell us one thing you're really into at the moment that you want the whole world to know about. This could go a couple hundred different ways, but I'm gonna say the books of Octavia Butler. She's a science fiction writer, and her books are straight-up harsh because they usually deal with two things: the breakdown of civilization as we know it, and humans undergoing changes into more 'animalistic' roles and behaviors. The crux is that these changes aren't presented as good or bad, simply as necessities, and in some cases improvements. Her book Clay's Ark is like Mad Max meets David Cronenberg but actually more intense than either one... the Parable books (Parable of the Sowers and Parable of the Talents) are a very harsh civilization collapse story (because it's mostly very plausible)... the Xenogenesis Trilogy (compiled as Lilith's Brood) is probably her deepest work of all.
Who's your all-time number-one music crush? Dude-crush alert: the entire early-80's SST Records crew... Ginn, Dukowski, Dez, Spot, Mugger, Pettibon, Rollins, Boon, Watt, Carducci, Naomi, Davo, more.... they worked their asses off and made so much possible, musically, culturally, everything... total heroes... handsome too, especially D. Boon...
What three albums would you want accompanying you on a hypothetical lifelong desert island exile? 1. The Grateful Dead Movie Soundtrack (Not their greatest live stuff but it's still very good, and more importantly, it's 5 discs, and I'm going for quantity)
2. Can - Tago Mago
3. One of the "Radio" discs on the Sublime Frequencies label... maybe the Radio India 2-disc. After about a year on the island I might be able to sing along with it!
What's your spirit animal? Well considering that you don't choose your animal, it chooses you, it would have to be the DRAGONFLY. My son had some temporary tattoos of bugs, and I put a dragonfly on my inner wrist and it felt RIGHT. I called it "insect solidarity" because I consider humans to be basically as significant as insects as far as the cosmos goes... and Wikipedia just told me that, in Japan, dragonflies are symbols of courage, strength, and happiness, and, "It is said in some Native American beliefs that dragonflies are a symbol of renewal after a time of great hardship," which is interesting and may become appropriate...
(from left: Radio India; Greg Ginn (also a big-time music crush of my own! Gemini? Weirdly tall? Raymond Pettibon's brother? DONE DEAL. His presence turned "This Band Could Be Your Life" into a daydream date fantasy); a dragonfly)
LAURA JANE'S POST-INTERVIEW WRAP-UP:
Blastitude RULES. I wanted to make some sort of "this one's for the dudes!" reference here, but what-the-Helen-Keller-ever. If that crap was my attitude towards life, I would NOT be Laura Jane of nogoodforme.com. Point being: I'm SO not a dude, and I love Blastitude and its baby-sister blogspot with all my heart. Blastitude has given me so much in my life: this Rod Stewart Youtube extravaganza (complete with witty commentary), about 234309483984392 zillion psych bands, and many an "Aww!" moment, ie. whenever he talks about reading Winnie the Pooh with his kids.
In conclusion: Larry Dolman is a) TOO DUDE FOR YOU, and b) officially nogooodforme.com-endorsed forevs.
Thursday , October 2, 2008
nogoodforme.tv presents... TOO GOOD FOR YOU, Conversations in Brooklyn: Vol. 3 (James)
Are you bored? Probably. If you're anything like me, you're definitely bored right now, especially if you're sitting at a desk in an office watching the clock and checking nogoodforme.com in lieu of completing actual work. Frequent office-specific blog-checking is a tell-tale sign of boredom. But hey! No worries! We're here for you, you poor bored soul.
Have fun killing the next four minutes and eight seconds of your time watching the latest installment of TOO GOOD FOR YOU, Conversations in Brooklyn, hosted by Laura Jane Faulds and shot by Emily Richmond. This video is awesome for the following reasons:
1) It is nogoodforme.com-affiliated (that one's a no-brainer)
2) James is chill, has good answers, hails from the Greater Toronto Area, and looks like a cross between Michael Cera and one of the dudes from A.R.E Weapons (sorry if that is an outdated reference. It's true though!!!)
3) James has the second-coolest spirit animal of anybody I've ever spoken to. The first-coolest spirit animal I've ever encountered belongs to some dude I met in a bar; he and I mutually concluded that his spirit animal is a black lamb surfing a lava wave mid-volcano eruption.
by Laurain nogoodforme.tv
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Saturday , September 27, 2008
R.I.P. Paul Newman For his obvious beauty as a human being, his understated lifestyle, his humanitarian work and his coolness in general. (With wife Joanne Woodward, reading a script together)
Saturday , September 27, 2008
R.I.P. Paul Newman
For his obvious beauty as a human being, his understated lifestyle, his humanitarian work and his coolness in general.
(With wife Joanne Woodward, reading a script together)
by Katin In Memoriam
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nogoodforme.tv presents... TOO GOOD FOR YOU, Conversations in Brooklyn: Vol. 2 (Trevor) Americans aren't hot, green curry chicken is nutritious, John Lennon is a beardo-weirdo, and foxes are only cool if they aren't cool. PS: I totally would have dated this dude, like, three years ago.
nogoodforme.tv presents... TOO GOOD FOR YOU, Conversations in Brooklyn: Vol. 2 (Trevor)
Americans aren't hot, green curry chicken is nutritious, John Lennon is a beardo-weirdo, and foxes are only cool if they aren't cool.
PS: I totally would have dated this dude, like, three years ago.
Saturday , September 13, 2008
Dream Dude: John McEnroe
If there's one trait I can't resist in a dude, it's a complete inability to control himself. John McEnroe is definitely the loosest cannon in the history of all professional athleticism; in other words, John McEnroe is totally the John Lennon of tennis. And if there's one trait I can't resist in a dude (besides a severe deficit of self-control, that is), it's "being a John". It also helps when said cyclonic, out-of-control, Lennon-esque jerk happens to be wearing little shorts and has big poofy Jeff Lynne hair tamed by a red sweatband.
Over the past couple days, my favorite activity in the world has become Youtubing videos of classic John McEnroe tantrums. Homeboy's a madman! I'd probably assume he was an alcoholic if he wasn't so on-the-ball about, um, literally being on-the-ball, and besides: who needs alcoholism when you have rage issues this extreme? It's gorgeous. McEnroe's on-the-court free-form freak-outs are hilarious, sexy and totally commendable. John McEnroe is basically the smartest person ever. He understands how toxic it can be for the human psyche to suppress your anger- you need to get that negativity out!
Throw your racket on the court, John McEnroe! Tell that stodgy British umpire who's boss! ANSWER MY QUESTION, JERK!
Seen below is my personal favorite Youtube compilation of John McEnroe at his most irrationally, irascibly aggressive. This video is the best thing I have ever posted to nogoodforme.com. I hope you all watch it a billion times.