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Thursday , January 22, 2009
Congratulations from Laura Jane!- Barack Obama, LeBron James, Tom Colicchio
l to r: Barack Obama by Terry Richardson; LeBron James in APC jeans and a Rick Owens t-shirt; Tom Colicchio looking seriously badass
1. CONGRATULATIONS TO BARACK OBAMA
Dear Barack Obama,
On the morning of your inauguration, I was buying a can of Diet Coke at my local 24-hour convenience mart when I caught sight of you being inaugurated on the little TV that the shopkeeper watches. "Barack Obama must be so happy right now," I thought to myself. "This must be the best day of Barack Obama's life. I wish I was Barack Obama. If only I were Barack Obama, I would be so happy." Then I thought about it a little harder, and realized that if I were Barack Obama right now, happy would be the last thing I'd be! If I were Barack Obama, I'd be stressed out, anxious, nervous, confused, constantly freaking out internally, a bit suicidal, and would probably feel let down by how life is still just boring old life, even when you're the President of the United States of America.
So, Barack Obama, congratulations on helping a scrappy 23-year-old Canadian fashion blogger come to terms with herself (and on becoming President and everything).
2. CONGRATULATIONS TO LEBRON JAMES
Dear LeBron James,
Before two days ago, I didn't know who you were. I was aware of the name LeBron James and that it belonged to a famous person who was probably an athlete, but that was the extent of my knowledge. Then, you charmed the hell out of me via your GQ cover (seriously! I was standing in line at the drugstore and that photo, like, chemically attracted me!), so much that I actually bothered to read the accompanying article. I learned that you are the Cleveland Cavaliers' power forward, and that you are 24 years old. Normally, when people around my age are more successful than me, I resent them and try to cut them down in my head. But with you, LeBron, I accept your early fame with open arms. Let's face it: I'm never going to be NBA material. And you're probably a way crappier writer than me! So, LeBron, let's call a spade a spade and continue on loving each other for the excellent people we both are.
3. CONGRATULATIONS TO TOM COLICCHIO
Dear Tom Colicchio,
I totally love you. I thought I couldn't love you anymore than I already did, but then I found out that you are a bear. I love you more now! That is SO HOT. Congratulations on being the world's hottest bear, Tom Colicchio. If I were into bears, I'd so be into you.
Wednesday , November 12, 2008
Congratulations from Laura Jane!- Jennifer Aniston, Will Smith's son, Juliana Hatfield
1. CONGRATULATIONS TO JENNIFER ANISTON
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
I think you are a super-cool, chill, and weirdly-together-for-being-famous human being, and, no matter what you do, I will always support you. This week, it has come to my attention that you may or may not be pregnant with John Mayer's baby (and/or babies; sometimes speculation of your being knocked up is accompanied by reports that you are carrying twins. In which case: the more the merrier!).
Jen, if you do happen to be pregnant with John Mayer's baby: congratulations! You've always been awesomely honest with the mainstream media about how desperate you are to have a lil' kidlet. The media are not always kind to you about this. They love to bring up how depressed you must be about how Brad is now father to, like, 10 billion tots, and you are STILL SINGLE. That sucks of the media. I hate them on your behalf. Anyway, you'll obvs be the best Mom ever. I just hope that US Weekly doesn't nickname you "Mom-iston" and your baby "Mini-ston" or something equally horrific.
If you are not pregnant with John Mayer's baby: congratulations on not being pregnant with John Mayer's baby! He's obviously quite the sleazebag, and would probably be a deadbeat dad. Only I bet he'd be even worse than your average deadbeat dad, since he seems to perceive himself to be this sage-like/Adonis/prophet hybrid-thing and is (I'm assuming) too self-involved to meet your hypothetical child's needs. You should seriously consider yourself lucky to not be stuck in this obvious shitbox of a situation. Hold out for a man who deserves your awesome self, Jen!
We really need to hang out sometime,
PS: If you are indeed pregnant with John Mayer's baby, please ignore that last paragraph. I was only kidding. John Mayer will make an awesome dad. I trust your judgment.
2. CONGRATULATIONS TO JADEN SMITH
This is a facetious congratulations.
I hate you, Jaden Smith. I hate you and your stupid Scientologist father. I don't necessarily hate your mother, Jada Pinkett Smith, but I do think that her weird nu-metal band, Wicked Wisdom, is stupid and pointless and basically just total crap.
I found out about ten minutes ago while boredly scrolling through pages of blah garbage on Perez Hilton that your rich daddy is producing a remake of The Karate Kid starring GUESS WHO? You- his son. Jaden Smith.
That is just so fair. What awesome casting! I'm so sure you are the best man for the job, Jaden Smith. I'm sure that you will so be able to come remotely close to holding a candle to the immense charm and sweetness of Ralph Macchio, the ONLY Karate Kid in my opinion.
Do you even know what "facetious" means, Jaden Smith? I doubt it. I bet you don't know what "nepotism" means, either. Go enjoy your childhood. Stop being in movies. It makes you seem lame.
Best wishes (NOT!),
3. CONGRATULATIONS TO JULIANA HATFIELD
Dear Juliana Hatfield,
I read your recent blog post and am motivated and inspired by your candor. It is appalling how taboo it remains for women (and men, too) to speak openly about their experiences with eating disorders. Congratulations on reclaiming your life and having the confidence to share your story with the blogosphere/world/me/everybody.
You have changed people's lives.
We all love you,
PS: Please do not allow the sincerity of what I am saying to be diminished by the fact that this letter is positioned beneath hate mail to Will Smith's son.
PPS: "Fleur de Lys" is the best song ever!
Thursday , September 25, 2008
Congratulations from Laura Jane!- DJ AM, Clay Aiken & Jeremy Piven
Congratulations from Laura Jane! is a brand-new column I just invented wherein I congratulate people for doing things that I find worthy of congratulations. This may or may not be the only installment of Congratulations from Laura Jane! ever; we'll see!
1. CONGRATULATIONS TO DJ AM
Dear DJ AM,
Congratulations on not dying in a plane crash! I'm sure you put a LOT of effort into beating your crack addiction and losing 170 pounds a few years back; I'm glad that wasn't all for naught.
2. CONGRATULATIONS TO CLAY AIKEN
Dear Clay Aiken,
Congratulations on coming out of the closet and the arrival of your new baby boy, Parker Foster Aiken. It's obvious you've struggled immensely with coming to terms with your sexuality, and I'm incredibly proud that you finally took this step. You've always struck me as a really above-par human being, and I think you'll be an amazing dad. Actually, I wish you were my dad.
Keep it real,
PS: No offense to my actual dad.
3. CONGRATULATIONS TO JEREMY PIVEN
Congratulations on winning your third consecutive Emmy for your ever-genius performance as Ari Gold. Oh, sweet Piv. You don't need my congratulations. I know you know how awesome you are, and that's awesome of you. You're awesome. You're the greatest actor of your generation, if not all-time. You are TOO DUDE FOR THIS WORLD, my brother.
If you ever feel like like eating vegan food and drinking sangria in Toronto- I'm your girl.
Pride is the greatest virtue,