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Tuesday , June 29, 2010
DO AS I SAY: The Grass is Always Greener on the Scorpio Side
Welcome to DO AS I SAY, the wackiest advice column on the entire Internet. If you are in need of guidance from a badass but totally wise retard with a weird perspective on things, I encourage you to please forward your complaints to LAURAJANEFAULDS AT GMAIL DOT COM. Thanks to everybody who's written in already! I will solve all your problems in due time.
I'm a 30-year-old Gemini, in a serious relationship with a 30-year-old Sagittarius. Things are good in many ways: we have similar visions for a future together, we make each other laugh, we perform the small kindnesses that you do when you're in love with someone. I am thinking seriously about marrying him. The problem is, I fear that I am still not over another relationship that ended a couple years ago, with a Scorpio. It's not that I want to be with the other person, more that I worry that I don't love the Sagittarius the way I loved the Scorpio. I understand on an intellectual level that every relationship is different, that we love different people at different times in our lives in different ways, blah blah blah, but I wonder if I'm *supposed* to feel the way I felt about the Scorpio: in love in a drunken, I'll-live-in-a-yurt-as-long-as-I'm-with-you sort of way. Did I feel that way because I was younger and sort of immune to the sorts of practicalities I've learned are necessary to consider to build myself a happy life? Or is that the way I ought to feel when in love?
The definitive answer to the question "How am I supposed to feel when I'm in love?" is "Happy." That's the most important thing everybody should always remember, when dealing with matters of the heart. The smartest thing my Mother ever told me about relationships is, "Sometimes love is not enough." That's the second-most important thing that everybody should always remember, when dealing with matters of the heart.
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Tags: broken sinks, DO AS I SAY, ex-boyfriends are tattoos, John and Yoko love, real life, Scorpios, ships
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Tuesday , June 8, 2010
DO AS I SAY: You Shouldn't Take Acid Until You're At Least Twenty-One
Welcome to DO AS I SAY, the wackiest advice column on the entire Internet. If you are in need of guidance from a badass but totally wise retard with a weird perspective on things, I encourage you to please forward your complaints to LAURAJANEFAULDS AT GMAIL DOT COM. Thanks to everybody who's written in already! I will solve all your problems in due time.
Dear Laura Jane,
I'm not at all like most people my age (which is fourteen). And I just keep wondering, am I ever going to fall in love or start a band or do anything exciting even if I keep being myself? I guess I am a little weird, and spacey (my sister says ditsy) but I don't think that's so bad. Maybe it's everyone else that's the problem. Anyway, will there ever be a time when I will hold hands on a trampoline with a boy who plays saxophone while 'Love Will Tear Us Apart' blares in the background? What am I supposed to do? Do you think I should take acid? And is it worth it to become a Normie Bitch in exchange for popularity?
1. "Am I ever going to fall in love?"
Yes.
2. "Am I ever going to start a band?"
I don't know. Are you musically talented? If not, probably not. If yes, probably. If "kind of"- definitely.
K Baby- if there's one thing I know about being a "creative type" in your early twenties, it's that 90% of all the people I know are in bands. The sad truth: 90% of those bands fucking blow, and every time I go out to see one of them, I want to rip all the hair out of my skull, and then I walk home real fast and listen to the Beatles on headphones in the comfort of my own bedroom, where I don't have to lie to dumbasses about how sick their shitty band is. Chances are, if you're questioning the things you're questioning at fourteen years old (as I was, "when I was your age"), you're going to grow up to be equally unimpressed and dissatisfied by your peer group. In ten years' time, you'll be like "Fuck bands. Bands are for fucking losers." Unless, of course, you're a musical genius, in which case you're pretty much set, you know?
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Tags: being fourteen, DO AS I SAY, Grand Royal Records, Joy Division, Laura Jane Faulds, LSD, the Velvet Underground, the Who, tinnitus, trampolines, Van Dyke Parks
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Wednesday , May 26, 2010
DO AS I SAY: Dear Laura Jane, Should I Date The Dude Whose Drunk Spit Grosses Me Out?
Welcome to DO AS I SAY, the wackiest advice column on the entire Internet. If you are need of guidance from a badass but totally wise retard with a weird perspective on things, I encourage you to please forward your complaints to LAURAJANEFAULDS AT GMAIL DOT COM. Thanks to everybody who's written in already! I will solve all your problems in due time.
Dear Laura Jane,
There's this boy that I obsessed over for so many months; eventually, we became good friends and I found out he had liked me for almost as long.
Last weekend, we were at this show, and we spent the entire night in the back holding hands. It was so fucking awesome and pure and beautiful. Later that night, we were at a friend's house, and he got pretty drunk, but I didn't. He was super into cuddling, and I went along with it. I actually felt really weird and uncomfortable, though. The worst part was that I fell asleep and he kissed me, like, as I was sleeping, and it was gross. When I woke up in the morning, he kept stroking my head and kissing my face and it freaked me out so much that I waited for him to fall back asleep and then left without telling anyone.
For the past few days, I've been in this constant state of emotional turmoil trying to figure out if my freaked out reaction came from weird attachment issues I have or because I only like him as a friend. I've been sort of mean to him because every time I see him all I can think about is his drunk spit all over my sleeping face and it grosses me the fuck out. He confronted me about it and I basically told him that I was confused about what I felt and it was too much all at once for me, but I think he's really upset about it. It's so weird to me how like a week ago I was SO into him and dreamt about him kissing me and now I'm so fucking confused and can't tell if I'm into him but scared or just not into him that way. And then there's the possibility that knowing so concretely that he likes me has taken away the mystery or challenge or whatever.
I also think that I have a really big crush on his best friend (who flirts with me A LOT) because since everything went down all I've wanted was to be around him.
So, WHAT SHOULD I DO!?!?!?!?!
(Also, I'm a Cancer, boy in question is a Virgo, and best friend is a Pisces if that helps at all).
CLICK BEHIND THE JUMP FOR A MAGICAL SOLUTION FROM LJ
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Tags: advice, Cancerians, DO AS I SAY, drunk spit, Hey Jude, relationship advice, romance, Virgo band-aids, Virgos
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Tuesday , May 25, 2010
DO AS I SAY: Dear Laura Jane, I'm In Love With A Scorpio I'm Not Sexually Attracted To!
Welcome to the inaugural installment of DO AS I SAY, my new wacky advice column. If you are need of guidance from a badass but totally wise retard with a weird perspective on things, I encourage you to please forward your complaints to LAURAJANEFAULDS AT GMAIL DOT COM. Thanks to everybody who's written in already! I will solve all your problems in due time.
Dear Laura Jane,
So. There's this guy. He's kinda gorgeous. And I'm kinda in love with him. Now, it took me some time, but I've decided that he's gorgeous enough for me to try and find out if I'm really in love with him. Cause y'know, when it comes to love, 'kinda' doesn't really do it for me. And, I'm screwed- I'm so in love with him. (Although I could've known that from the beginning. I'm a Cancerian. Of course I'm in love with him.)
Here's the problem: I don't really want to date him. I just can't imagine that relationship. I can't picture us having sex or even messing around. Not that he's physically repulsive; he's actually too good-looking for both his own good and mine. But we work so well as friends that I don't feel the need to take it to another level, physical or otherwise. We're so similar in character that we would eventually drive each other crazy, and I think it would end badly; we would hate each other's guts, and I can't have that happen!
I tend to idealize people I care about, so there's a great chance he might not actually be so perfect and there might be a way for me to see that and then I'd realize that hey, I'm not in love with him- I'm just lonely and he's around all the time and it was convenient to pick him for the object of my affection so I could have something to occupy my thoughts and I'd be less lonely that way... and then I could work on being less lonely and finding someone I'd gladly imagine having sex with.
PS: One more thing. You're gonna love this. He's a Scorpio.
CLICK BEHIND THE JUMP TO FIND OUT WHAT "DR. LAURA" HAS TO SAY ABOUT THIS STICKY SITCH!
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Tags: Cancerians, DO AS I SAY, Laura Jane Faulds, relationship advice, Scorpios, sex, wisdom
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Saturday , May 22, 2010
"DO AS LAURA JANE SAYS, NOT AS LAURA JANE DOES," says Laura Jane
Recently, on Facebook, ngfm Inner Circle member Andrea and famous writer Blake Nelson both agreed that I should start a self-help/advice column on nogoodforme.com. Today, I decided to listen to them.
See, as much as I'm completely fucking retarded about living my own life, I'm really smart at telling other people what to do. I'm not really sure how that one works out, but it just does. So, that's why I am now here to help you solve all your problems on the Internet.
Are you dating two dudes at once and can't figure out which one to choose? Do you want to know whether I think you should take acid or not? Can't decide on a dog breed? Wondering what you should eat for dinner tonight? Curious as to which Beatles songs are best to have sex to, work out to, and/or get stoned to? Contemplating running away but can't decide where to go? Don't know what to wear to a funeral? Do you hate yourself and it's crippling you? Are you secretly in love with me and want some seduction tips straight from the horse's mouth? Do you have some annoying friend who's pulling all this lame annoying bullshit on you and you don't know how to deal with it? Anything, at all, in the world, about love, sex, dating, relationships, astrology, psychosis, neurosis, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, the other Beatles, dressing right for your body type, drugs, alcohol, life, the cosmos, food, self-actualization, the Fiery Furnaces, Archie Comics, sado-masochism, animals, Internet etiquette, Jay-Z, literature, what Elizabeth Barker is like in real life, your parents, gardening, eyedrops, sunglasses, lip balm, or the Kinks? Or "etc"?
Worry not. HELP! IS ON THE WAY. Just e-mail all your troubles to
LAURAJANEFAULDS AT GMAIL DOT COM
And before you know it, I will have solved all your problems for you, on the Internet, and I won't say your name or anything. So pick up your pencils, and start complaining!
Tags: Andrea, Blake Nelson, DO AS I SAY, Jay-Z, John Lennon, Laura Jane Faulds, magic, sado-masochism, self-help
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