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Wednesday , June 2, 2010
Kat & LJ Investigate: Is Astrology Real? (May 2010)
This month, the resident Cancerians of NOGOODFORME.COM resume their long-term investigation of whether or not cult astrologer Susan Miller is full of obvious malarkey -- or whether she does indeed peer into the beautiful chaos of the celestial bodies and uncovers the hidden structures of logic underlying the apparent randomness of our puny human lives. Kat and LJ lined up the minutiae of their own lives against the prognostications of Miller's May 2010 horoscope -- read on to discover where Susan Miller got it right and where she fell flat, at least for LJ and Kat...
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: If you feel May starts out slow, it will be because Mercury will still be retrograde in Taurus until May 11. Still, you will likely enjoy this particular Mercury retrograde because it is touring your friendship house, and you will run into at least one old friend you haven't seen in a very long time.
KAT: This one is a toss-up...I mean, May for me was a mega-"Big Moments in the Existence of Kat" kind of month from start to finish. But I guess in comparison to the latter half of the month, the beginning was relatively subdued. As far as the Mercury retrograde in my house of friendship, well, I had an ex friend me on Facebook. So that's what she means, right?
LJ: Yeah, I agree that May started out slow, but it didn't really pick up after May 11th or anything. I mean, maybe a little bit. I definitely felt this round of Mercury retrograde; like, physically, I felt it. I was exhausted all the time, but this could also be attributed to the fact that I wasn't sleeping enough, but, I don't know, "Mercury retrograde" seems to make a lot more sense. Oh, by the way, I didn't run into any old friends I haven't seen in a very long time. Sometimes, though, I see people I went to high school with on the street and ignore them. So she could have meant that.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS:The new moon, May 13, will be an unusually supportive one that should bring you a fantastic opportunity to socialize. While Mercury will have you linking up with old friends, the new moon will help you make NEW ones. Not all new moons are THIS special!
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Tags: Cancerians, investigation, Is Astrology Real, Kat Asharya, Laura Jane Faulds, May, Susan Miller
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Thursday , February 4, 2010
Kat & LJ Investigate: Is Astrology Real? (January 2010) Kat Asharya and Laura Jane Faulds, intrepid astro-explorers and fellow Cancerians, continue in their joint mission to explore the ponderous and potentially life-shaking question of "IS ASTROLOGY REAL?" Vis-a-vis a side-by-side comparison of the vicissitudes of their lives next to the predictions of the ever-monolithic Susan Miller of astrologyzone.com, Kat & LJ have not yet drawn conclusions, despite two months of observation. Is Susan Miller full of shit? Does astrology work? In month three, will we pull more closely to a definitive answer? Read onwards, star children... SUSAN MILLER SAYS:The December 31 / January 1 lunar eclipse will also help you update your self-image, especially if you have been seeing yourself in an outdated way. LJ: Firstly: yes. Secondly... Something that happened in 2009 was that Laura Jane from nogoodforme infamously recovered from anorexia on the Internet. It was hard for her, as she is me. I, and probably you, am (/are) unfortunately part of a deranged post-post-post-x-infinity-modern counterculture that fetishisizes the anorexic female body. I lived in that body for three years, and that body afforded me the right to self-identify as a Great Beauty of My Time. Maybe you're thinking right now this girl's a hyperbolic wackjob and that's not really how it is, but you know what? That's really how it is. I was sad and starving, but I was always "the prettiest girl in the room," and that feeling was addictive enough to keep me sick for as long as I was. I decided last November that I was sick of being hungry all the time, so I started eating, and then I gained a bunch of weight, and then I spent all December freaking out that no boy would ever like me again now that I'm no longer an emaciated mouse-elf Audrey Hepburn orphan boy beauty. In January I am OVER IT, and have also come to terms with the fact that I got a weird eye infection last September which has rendered my poor eyes allergic to mascara and contact lenses. So now I wear a size eight, and glasses, and that's me, and it's so good. Your hero John Lennon wore glasses too Laura JANE. Kat: I have no idea what this means. I did buy some new clothes, though. SUSAN MILLER SAYS:You will also get against-all-odds help from officials based in academia. LJ: This is no way relates to me or my life. I threw it in because Kat goes to grad school, so I figured it will probably apply to her. Kat? Am I right? Kat: This is so wrong that it isn't even funny. Officials in academia: YOU SUCK AND YOU ALMOST RUINED THE SHORT FILM I SHOT IN JANUARY. How much fucking money do I pay to you, Columbia University? And why is it SO GODDAMN HARD to shoot anything on campus?!!!!!!! Why the fuck do you have total wackjobs in charge of such complicated endeavors? REALLY, COLUMBIA, YOU ARE SUCH A GODDAMN SCAM!!!!!!
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Tags: Cancerians, eating disorder recovery, Is Astrology Real, Kat Asharya, Laura Jane Faulds, Susan Miller, The Karmic Dude Restoration Project
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Thursday , January 7, 2010
Kat & LJ Investigate: Is Astrology Real? (The December '09 Edition)
Last month, celebrity moonchildren Kat Asharya and Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com decided to put the astro-cultural monolith that is Susan Miller's astrologyzone.com to the test. Both being obsessively intro-self-reflective late-June Cancers, Kat & LJ compared and contrasted key predictions from Susan Miller's November 2009 forecast vis a vis their own lives, ultimately asking themselves, Susan Miller, and/or the Universe- IS ASTROLOGY REAL?
The results were inconclusive. It's time for Round Two.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: In December, others will take the lead. You don't have to always be in charge, and in actuality, it may be a relief to hand over the reins to a trusted partner once in a while.
KAT: NOT TRUE. The hard thing about being a competent Cancer is that EVERYONE wants you to be in charge. I've never been in charge of so much shit in my life. It sucks sometimes to be the "trusted partner" instead of having one. The good part of all this: I'm pretty sure I'm going to take over the world one day.
LJ: No. I do always have to be in charge. It is never a relief to hand over the reins to a "trusted" partner. I spent most of this December stomping around listening to Jay-Z and fake-screaming "I DON'T NEED NO ONE! CREATE YOUR OWN DESTINY, LAURA JANE!" Unless Susan Miller was referring to Jay-Z here, homegirl was mad wrong.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: The full moon on December 2 will find you feeling in need of rest and privacy. If you feel a cold coming on, take life a little slower, and if possible sleep a bit later over the weekend of December 5-6.
KAT: I didn't have a cold, but I did sleep a lot that weekend. Maybe I didn't get a cold because I slept a lot? DOES ASTROLOGY SAVE LIVES?
LJ: I TOTALLY HAD A COLD THAT WEEK. Who knew it was a "cosmic cold"? In other news, I'm always feeling in need of rest. I live hard, Susan Miller.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: You may have the kind of job that gets very busy near the winter holidays. The new moon, December 16, seems to bring even more assignments or customers through your door, but you seem happy to see the pace pick up.
KAT: I don't have a job, but I am in school and it always gets really busy in mid-December. Aren't most people in the Western hemisphere crazy-busy around the holidays (except for maybe, I don't know, Jehovah's Witnesses?) I don't see what this has to do with the stars, you know.
LJ: In December of 2009, I worked at a store. It was a very Christmas-centric store. It was the worst store I've ever worked at, and I've worked at more stores than any other person I know. It was the worst store in the world, not counting bebe or hunting-supply stores. It was the kind of store that middle-aged women would- and often did- describe as being "funky." Yes, I was happy to see the pace pick up, because whenever the pace picked up, it distracted me from how I wanted to kill myself for having to work at the worst store in the world and why did I have to be born an artist not an accountant Oh my God I can't believe the shittiness of my life DO THESE PEOPLE EVEN REALIZE THEY JUST GOT SOLD A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT BY LAURA JANE FAULDS OF NOGOODFORME.COM??? Whatevs, at least i scored some much-needed "humility" out of the deal.
PS: This prediction strikes me as a classic case of Susan Miller Capitalizing On Universal Obviousnesses, such as Christmas, to make herself seem like a better astrologer.
PPS: CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME SUSAN MILLER'S ZODIAC SIGN???
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: You should also know that this new moon (December 16th) will be sending mixed messages. Uranus will be in hard angle to the Sun, so it seems someone annoying will put you on edge.
KAT: I live in NYC. Someone annoying is always putting me on edge.
LJ: I feel like I should get the "Cancer of the Year" award for having the first day of my period synced up to the day of the new moon. On December 16th, I nicknamed myself "The Posterchild for Menstruation." I was like this hysterical estrogen factory of psychotic menstrual energy. Who the motherfuck didn't put me "on edge" on December 16th? I distinctly recall seeing a middle-aged woman wearing a winter hat shaped like a fucking octopus; in retrospect, I'm surprised I didn't punch her in the face for being such a loser.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: At the full moon lunar eclipse of December 31, something will end forever, but a new chapter will be forming shortly thereafter.
KAT: THIS WAS SO TRUE. Maybe even the force of a full lunar eclipse can demolish the human frailty inherent in an astrologer's prediction. Maybe the forces unleashed by the universe are so sublimely powerful that it doesn't matter what anyone predicts -- shit will go down. Whatever the case, I remain in awe at the powers of the heavens here on earth.
LJ: IT HAPPENED. IT SO HAPPENED. I spent the entire month of December wondering if it would, and it DID. Astrology is REAL.
IN CONCLUSION: Maybe Susan Miller forgot that Cancers are cardinal signs and are always heading up things, because both Kat and LJ found it impossible to let "trusted partners" take the reins of everything -- most likely, the reins were handed to THEM because they're Cancers who can get shit done. Maybe there are a few Cancers in the world who aren't busy in mid-December and aren't running like chickens with their heads cut off, and maybe in this world people don't tend to get sick in the winter season and need more rest. Perhaps the tension between "what the stars predict" vs. "universal obviousness" is hard to resolve, and perhaps Susan Miller's predictions are so ridiculously specific that it all borders on evident common sense. We were ready to conclude ASTROLOGY IS SO OBVIOUS, but in the last bit of 2009, both Kat and LJ experienced world-rocking revelations that were tinged with the astro-fatedness of the lunar eclipse. Did anyone else experience the reality-piercing revelations of December 31? Either way: THE EXPERIMENT CONTINUES....
Tags: astrology, astrologyzone.com, Cancerians, Cancers, Kat Asharya, Laura Jane Faulds, Susan Miller, Susan Miller Backlash
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Monday , December 7, 2009
Kat & LJ Investigate: Is Astrology Real?
It's kind of interesting that two members of the nogoodforme troika are Cancers, and it's even more interesting that we haven't fully exploited that fact until now. What can possibly be done with two Cancers in a blog? Should we start a cooking/decorating show? Emotionally manipulate and guilt-trip Liz into flying us out to Los Angeles because we're so sad and faraway from her? (Liz, we miss you soooooooooo much, insert Bambi eyes here.) No, no, no. Instead, LJ and I have decided to utilize our shared moonchild status into a much worthier cause, one that could rock the core of modern civilization as we know it: investigating whether or not astrology is real. Can our lives really be guided and navigated by the mysterious trajectories of the celestial framework above us? Is Mercury retrograde a real astrological phenomenon or just an excuse when people can't get their act together to do errands right? Does astrology really work? We are going to find out. Our thesis: if astrology is indeed "right," then shouldn't LJ and I have similar emotional arcs over the course of the month, being both Cancers? Our experiment: compare and contrast both of our life events against the gospel that is the famed Susan Miller horoscope at astrologyzone.com. We took major events from the November 2009 horoscope for Cancer and held them up against the mirror that is our ACTUAL LIVES. You be the judge on whether or not Susan Miller is full of shit, or whether she is an all-knowing godlike seer. (Kat)
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: November starts with a full moon, November 2, so you may be excited about attending a party or other group event that promises to be quite special - even luxurious.
Kat: My Halloween was pretty intense and partied-out and I pretty much came out of it feeling I had been hit by the train of hedonism, complete with a caboose of dude emotional-unavailability. After all that, I pretty much just wanted to burrow in my hobbit hole. Around November 2, I became a hermit and pretty much stayed indoors to work on my screenplays. But I did find out that I may be DJing at a fancy-schmancy bar next year. Susan Miller stalemate?
LJ: Sometimes I feel as though Susan Miller rests on her laurels by capitalizing upon Universal obviousnesses such as "Hallowe'en night." Who the Helter Skelter didn't go kinda bonkers on 10/31/09? I know I did! If swigging pink wine out of a baby bottle and luring strangers back to my apartment under the guise of "free champagne and The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need" counts as "luxurious" to you*, then let's consider all bets off and defer to the whims of astrologyzone.com for the rest of all our lives.
*It counts as luxurious to me.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: Life will seem easier, lighter, and more fun after the new moon in fellow water sign Scorpio on November 16.
Kat: Are you kidding? It's mid-term! Everyone's stressing! Of course, about a week later I took off for Thanksgiving and went home and didn't do any work or Internet stuff and went to the mall and went bowling a lot. It was heavenly, so maybe she's right.
LJ: Nope! Like, honestly- has homegirl ever met a Cancer before? The crux of the Cancerian disposition lies in our all being emotionally-erratic schizoids subject to absurdly frequent behavioral shifts. I'm quite certain that during the week of the 16th, I occasionally experienced "fun" or "light" half-hours, but then ten minutes later, I'll betcha I was crying again, or maybe throwing things. That being said: I had a really stellar November 23rd.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: Venus will help you improve your looks too, so take that time from November 7 onward to book salon, barber shop, or spa treatments.
Kat: As I write this, I have two horrid zits sprouting on my cheek. Maybe if I had taken Susan's advice, this would not have happened? It's hard to tell. I did investigate getting a massage but I'm too broke to afford one, but then a personal trainer friend showed me how to do a shoulder-and-back self-massage with a tennis ball and I'm ten times better. And I started blow-drying my hair and people tell me it looks pretty a lot. And all that Pixi makeup I mentioned earlier really is lovely stuff. Conclusion: Susan Miller might be right. Or I may just be having a very vain month.
LJ: I looked like total garbage for the entire first week of November. I was cognizant of Susan Miller's claim that I'd start looking less like shit that coming Sunday, but the fortitude of my Martha Dumptruck from Hell phase left me skeptical, to say the least. But then this magical thing happened on November 9th- my previously-awkward "Ringo Starr in HELP!" hair grew out into The Coolest Haircut Anybody Ever Had, which made me into "Cocky LJ," and everybody knows that cockiness, I mean confidence, is the true key to HOT. As if I needed to book a salon appointment! Salons are for ugly people. Sadly, on November 15th, I started looking like shit again. Growing your hair out is balls, Myutes. I have a "tail." You know what I should do this week? Book a salon appointment.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: Your sensitivity about money brings up a whole other discussion, which is now an even touchier subject for you than it was a few months ago.
Kat: I would feel sensitive about money if I had any. But I don't! I did get sad because I have been debating whether or not I want to shoot my thesis film, or scrap that plan because I could save the money instead. What should I do? Should I consult the stars? In terms of Susan Miller: inconclusive.
LJ: Whoa! This one happened. Oh Laura Jane- remember how it felt to be "unemployed in the middle of an economic recession"? Yes, I do. It felt "hard, heavy, and non-fun." My parents were mean to me. I don't know if I've ever encountered a subject touchier than "money in November 2009," to an extent so uncomfortably extreme that this point ultimately nullifies the bitter non-truth of Susan's whole "post-11/16 lightness" misstep.
SUSAN MILLER SAYS: Your housing situation may change dramatically soon, or a serious family question, possibly involving one of your parents, may come up.
Kat: How soon is soon? 'Cause I do have to move in May, and being a Cancerian who's nested in my apartment for the past five years, I'm starting to get all sad about it 'cause I HATE MOVING. It's not normal to fret about it months and months before I have to do it, but thanks to Susan Miller, it's been on my mind. Thanks a bunch, sweetiepie!
LJ: There is a chance I might have to leave my charming, spectacularly-located, and splendiferously-beautiful apartment come February 1st, but, at press time, I am still in hardcore denial that this could possibly be true. If Bitchface Susan Miller is telling me that I'm going to get kicked out of my house and have to move in with my Mommy sometime soon, I'm afraid that Susan Miller's astrologyzone.com forecast for January 2010 is going to read "Laura Jane kills her."
IN CONCLUSION: This past month, both Kat Asharya and Laura Jane Faulds of nogoodforme.com experienced freaky Hallowe'en nights, great hair weeks , anxiety-ridden November 16ths, serious cash-strapped-ness, and low-key apartment dramz. Final verdict: astrology is kind of real. But what we find particularly stirring about our curiously similar astro-Novembers is the instances wherein Susan was mostly off-base. How was she off-base about both of us in the exact same way? Does the cosmic relevance of nogoodforme.com ultimately transcend that of the celestial bodies themselves? Yes? No? Maybe so? How did Susan Miller's November forecast hold up for all the other Cancers out there? Did y'all have easy lives on November 16th, and then go to a spa? How 'bout all you non-Cancers? IS ASTROLOGY REAL???
We still can't figure it out.
Tags: astrology, astrologyzone.com, Cancerians, Kat & LJ Investigate, Kat Asharya, Laura Jane Faulds, nogoodforme.com, Susan Miller, Susan Miller Backlash
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