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Wednesday , January 13, 2010
Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Cutest Beatles Couple?
LAST PLACE: GEORGE & PATTIE
LJ: Pattie Boyd looks like a baby, which is very different from "having a baby face," which she doesn't. I have a baby face. Paul McCartney has a baby face. Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds has a baby face. Pattie Boyd, on the other hand, looks like an actual nine-month-old baby, in a stroller, with a pacifier in her mouth and pureed squash all over her "baby's face." It's not cute, it's creepy.
Last summer, I read Pattie Boyd's crappy autobiography, Wonderful Tonight, which confirmed my lifelong belief that Pattie Boyd is dumb. The worst part of Wonderful Tonight was EVERYTHING, tied with how she doesn't talk about what it's like to have sex with George Harrison. As if anybody in the fucking world would read Wonderful Tonight for ANY reason but to find out what having sex with George Harrison is like. Real "classy", Pattie Boyd. Speaking of George Harrison, I only ever have one opinion about George Harrison, which is that I wish I was having sex with him right now. Out of all the George Harrisons, "Something"-era George Harrison is definitely the George Harrison I'd most want to have sex with, and that says a lot, about the sexiness of "Something"-era George Harrison. I don't buy that "Something"-era George Harrison loves Pattie Boyd at all. His eyes are dead when he looks at her. "Something" about "Something"-era George just screams "I'd rather be having sex with a twenty-four year old double-named fashion blogger forty years in the future instead of my wife who looks like a baby." To make a long story short: George and Pattie? SO not cute.
LIZ: Though I've got a few probs with This Recording's "Emails From Your Boyfriend The Beatle" post, the George messages mostly tickled me pink. (And, I'm so envious about George's lunch from November 19: almonds, apricots, prayer bread, and a Chunky bar? YUM! Except for the prayer bread, actually. I'm going to pretend he said Mestemacher Westphalian Pumpernickel, instead of prayer bread.) I'd be really bad at having George for a boyfriend; I'd invariably end up doing that thing where I talk a lot of dumb shit on purpose, just to mock a dude's way-tiresome self-seriousness, and then he'd either (a) not get the joke and think I'm actually d-u-m, or (b) go all aggro* on me for teasing him and being totally brill at it to boot. Any which way you slice that loaf of Mestemacher Westphalian Pumpernickel, George and I are DOOMED.
And that's cool; he can have creepy-baby Pattie Boyd. The thing that bugs me most about her in this vid is how, for a model, she's god-awful at pulling off that whole "Oh, look at me, pureheartedly and un-self-consciously breaking into the sweetest smile whenever the camera wants to capture me gazing at my hot husband" act. That, and the problem of how - as a woman of 32 - I should really be over wishing I looked more like Pattie Boyd by now. Oh well.
*Funny aside: I was poking around online for a funny synonym for "angry," and one of the suggestions offered by some slang dictionary was "crunk." That would be pretty epic, if George Harrison and I were fighting and then he got all crunk on me. Yeah.
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Tags: Barker loves the Beatles, Crunk George Harrison, cunnilingus, emotional banality, George Harrison, Gwyneth Paltrow, Harry Potter, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Less Than Zero, Linda McCartney, Maureen Starkey, Pattie Boyd, Paul is Dead, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Uncle Ringo, Yoko Ono, zerberts
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Tuesday , November 17, 2009
Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Sexiest "Another Girl" Beatle?
RINGO: THE STACY PERALTA OF 1965
LIZ: Well, the sexiest "Another Girl" Beatle definitely ain't Ringo, that's for damn sure! Next!
LJ: Does anybody think Ringo Starr is sexy? Say the sentence "Ringo is sexy" aloud to yourself. What a trip, right? I bet even Ringo's wives were like, "Richard Starkey is a fun-lovin' buttercup with a heart of gold, but um yeah no not really all that sexy." Sucks to be y'all, Barbara Bach and Maureen Starkey! Yet, eleven aberrant seconds into this video, something unearthly happens: Ringo gets sexy. It's when he's wearing giant black sunnies, and one of the other Beatles scratches at the lens of them. In that half-second, Ringo looks like a bitchin' little skate punk who would be really killer to make out with in a 7-11 parking lot while drinking a banana Slurpee. There would be liquor in the banana Slurpee. Ringo "Stacy Peralta" Starr.
PAUL: THE J.LO OF 1965
LJ: It's not Paul. "Another Girl" Paul is one of the least-sexy Pauls of the entire Beatles, trumped only by the non-sexiness fiasco we call "Let It Be" (Ew! By the way) For one thing, his ass looks like a woman's. It appears as though, prior to filming this video, Paul McCartney perused an article in Glamour magazine about how best to flatter one's curves, and then bought the exact jeans it recommended for maximum ass-bodaciousness. Paul's Rubenesque figure is most effectively showcased at 0:24 into "Another Girl". Compare him to George and John. There's a reason I date dudes, and it's not "because I think Beyonce has a hot body."
Secondly: he looks so uncomfortable when he plays the babe like a guitar (1:07, 1:41)! It's really gross and sexist to play a babe like a guitar, but if you're going to play a babe like a guitar, you ought to be raunchy about it. They really picked the wrong Beatle to play a babe like a guitar. This is probably the sole occasion I will ever champion Mick Jagger over Paul McCartney at anything, but I think Mick could probably show Paul a thing or two about how to be a sexy dirtbag at playing a babe like a guitar. Paul looks like a cherub and that is adorable and I love him. But he also looks like he would be more at home drinking apple juice than whiskey, and possibly wearing a bib while doing so.
He really works that black t-shirt, however. It compliments his alabaster complexion.
LIZ: Right now I'm reading a book about Paul McCartney; the third chapter starts like this: "He had a softness about him in those days. He was still a little chubby, for one thing - the layer of baby fat that saw Paul into early adolescence had stuck with him, thanks in part to the cakes and treats supplied to the motherless McCartney boys from their loving aunts. This weakness proved useful to younger brother Mike, who realized early on that he could always provoke an explosion from Paul with a well-timed catcall of fatty." Oh poor teenage Paul, you motherless little cake-eating fatty! Of course, Paul slimmed down in due time, but it's funny that he held onto "the rump," at least for the duration of the "Another Girl" video. More importantly, it intensifies my Paul affinity tenfold, on account of the fact that I too am possessed of a "bodacious ass." It's both a blessing and burden - like, sometimes you're walking down the street in Venice and a car pulls up and a dude leans out and asks, "Hey, where'd a white girl like you get an ass like that?" and it's so annoying and steam comes out of your ears as you shout back: "Ah, put a sock in it, will ya?!"* before stomping away. And then other times you want to post Califone's "Your Golden Ass" in Heavy Rotation and comment "This one goes out to MYSELF" and maybe pair it with "Ms. New Booty," but then you get shy and chicken out. But most of the time it's all pretty awesome, and I'm sorta sad for "Another Girl" Paul that this is one shared gift of ours that's not so much of asset on "his end." Okay, I'm stopping now.
*Sadly, my actual response was "SHUT UP!", and I probably sounded a lot like Cherita in Donnie Darko.
JOHN: THE MOST GALLANT GOOFBALL IN THE WORLD, EVS
LIZ: As everyone in the world already knows, 1965 John Lennon is my favorite John Lennon. "Another Girl" is like the apex of the vortex of 1965 John cuteness, a veritable carnival of cute, maybe even The Cuteness World's Fair. John in that jaunty little cap that makes me want to marry him? John on drums? John lying in a hole and doing weird arm-dancing moves while George towers over him with his foxy guitar? John doing more weird arm-dancing at 1:52 and grinning like the most gallant goofball in the world evs? Slays me, all of it. "Don't ever change, 'Another Girl' John!" I shout out semi-asshole-ishly, and feel halfway bad about it, but not really.
LJ: I will never think John Lennon is sexy. Bros shouldn't bang their bros, you know? Still- what a sweet goon! In other news, isn't it weird to see the 1965 Beatles wearing pale denim in a tropical location? Before 1965, you only ever saw them wearing black suits in Britain. Or America or wherever. Or grey suits.
GEORGE: IT'S GEORGE
LJ: This video marks a pivotal moment in George Harrison's transition from ugly gawky duckling to dark, sexy swan. In A Hard Day's Night, George Harrison is a bony-looking child. By HELP!, George Harrison has become the #1 Person from All Human History I Would Most Want To Have Sex With. Speaking of dudes playing babes like they were a guitar: please fast-forward "Another Girl" to 1:49. I wish George Harrison would play me like he plays that guitar, and I mean that sluttily. Wouldn't it be awesome if I got the words I'D RATHER BE HAVING SEX WITH GEORGE HARRISON tattooed across my forehead?
LIZ: Whoa, is it creepy that I've kinda got the hots for A Hard Day's Night George? Sure, he looks about 12 and all, but in that first scene I just want to rip that weird crusty roll or whatever from his hands, toss it out the train window, muss up his hair, and French him for a good ten minutes or so. Gross?
Anyway, yes, John is the cutest "Another Girl" Beatle, but George wins the sexy cookoff yet again. He's like the Yankees of Beatles Sexiness. I hate the Yankees but I love George Harrison. Life is a mind puzzle - an awesome mind puzzle.
Tags: Another Girl, Barker loves the Beatles, Beyonce, George Harrison, HELP!, J.Lo, John Lennon, Laura loves the Beatles, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, sexiness, Stacy Peralta, The New York Yankees
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Sunday , October 25, 2009
Liz & LJ Investigate: Who's the Bigger Beardo, John or Paul?
LIZ: A few Sundays ago Emily "Switchfoot" Richmond and I were hanging out on Bobbie, drinking Tecate and eating oversized chocolate chocolate chip cookies. "I don't think Paul McCartney is sexy!" Switchfoot shouted suddenly, throwing an oversized chocolate chocolate chip cookie at my head. "I don't either!" I responded wide-eyedly, my mouth full of cookie that'd just bounced off my nose. "Unless he's got a beard," I added. "Paul + beard always equals sexy." Then Emily nodded in agreement, and we each shotgunned a fresh can of Tecate and went to Chipotle to buy salad. The salad was soooo good, and we also ate chips with guacamole.
Cut to two or something Fridays later and I'm on the phone with LJ, who asks: "Do you think Paul McCartney is sexy?" "No, I don't!" I responded wide-eyedly, my mouth full of cookie that'd just bounced off my nose. "Unless he's got a beard," I added. "Paul + beard always equals sexy." Then Laura told me I was disgusting, and then after that she emailed me a link to a video of Bearded Paul McCartney singing "Let It Be," accompanied by the statement "Liz has Retarded Beatles Opinions." But I don't have retarded Beatles opinions! Sexiness is subjective, and Bearded Paul McCartney is just the bee's knees in my sexy book. With Pre-Beard Paul I've got this real innocent affection, a sort of pre-adolescent lovey-doveyness: I wanna hold his hand, and maybe neck a little on the couch with my parents safely sleeping upstairs, but that's about it. With Bearded Paul, I wanna hold his hand and more, but in a real romantic, in-love-for-life kinda way - me and him burning matches, lifting latches, and all the rest. It's a rare thing to gaze upon a man and realize, "Dear sir, I'm very interested in having emotionally profound marital relations with you," and I think it's really beautiful that I've found that in Bearded Paul. "Beautiful," as in "not disgusting." So there.
Ugly Beard Paul Singing "Let It Be":
LJ: Subjectivity is the spice of life, and, for the most part, it's pretty convenient how Barker and I have such wildly divergent tastes in dudes (not counting Michael Showalter). It's nice to know that no dude- except maybe Michael Showalter, who once came between us- will ever come between us. So: good. Goody good good, Elizabeth Barker. Take your Anthony Kiedis and your Benicio Del Toro and your Andrew Wilson. Zero judgment, my sister. But Bearded Paul? Bearded Paul?? BEARDED PAUL?!? Out of every Paul incarnation, you pick BEARD PAUL??? That is just so jacked. If it were the 1960s, and Paul McCartney was a friend of mine, and we'd hung out a bunch in '67, fallen out of touch for two years, and then re-hooked up in January of 1969, I would be aghast at how "retardedly disgusting" my old friend looked. I would grasp him by the forearm, look deep into his eyes, nod slowly, and say "Dude- you've really let yourself go."
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Tags: beardos, beards, Benicio Del Toro, cookies, emotionally profound marital relations, George Harrison, John Lennon, Michael Showalter, Paul McCartney, sexiness, Spencer Pratt, tomatoes
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