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Tuesday , August 31, 2010
Have You Figured Out How Amazing "Monster" Is Yet?
Because it is.
"Monster" is so brilliant that it even manages to transcend the extreme stupidity of the lyric, "Have you ever had sex with a Pharaoh? Eguuuhhhhh I put the pussy in a sarcophagus." The rest of the Kanye verse is pretty cool, though. I get the impression he's in the midst of a total emotional breakdown these days, which is working really well for him. I hate when Kanye gets all glossy and fratty (fratty= like a frat boy). Speaking of emotional breakdowns, what the fuck is going on with Hov? I thought his scary breathey monster voice was just a gimmick employed to highlight the age/wisdom dichotomy of Jay vs. Drake in "Light Up," but apparently not. Apparently Jay-Z just sounds like a dragon all the time now, and that's something I have to accept about him. But, no, I don't know. I don't know if I can do that. The part where he talks about how his Achilles heel is love? It makes me feel uncomfortable, and kind of pity Jay. Why am I pitying Jay-Z? Jay-Z is emotionally manipulating me. But that's just part of the impressiveness of "Monster." I'm down to be emotionally manipulated by Kanye and Jay. By the way, if Jay-Z and Kanye West were John Lennon and Paul McCartney, who would be who? Please help me figure this out.
But really the whole point of "Monster" is the Nicki Minaj verse, and everybody knows that. Nicki Minaj is a genius. I don't know anything about Rick Ross or Bon Iver, so I have no opinions about their contributions to this song. Nicki Minaj is my hero.
Sunday , July 25, 2010
BREAKING NEWS: Laura Jane Faulds Shoots Don Draper In The Face!
We can't wait for next year's Mad Men Yourself campaign, when AMC lets you figure out which Beatle you'd be if you were a Beatle who was a Mad Man. In the meantime, here's how we Mad Men-ed ourselves in bonkers anticipation of tonight's season premiere:
Look, it's Kat, all set to work her magic on Draper once they touch down in Baltimore. Kat so puts the "charm" in "Charm City."
And this is Liz, who always makes a point of bringing a Bloody Mary and an accordion to business meetings. What's she going to play for the dudes of Sterling Cooper? Probably the Nirvana Unplugged version of "Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam."
And here's Laura Jane, just about to shoot Draper in the face! Doesn't Don look positively delighted? Such an adorable murderess, that LJ.
Saturday , July 10, 2010
Sonny & Cher are the Cutest Couple in the World!
This is so beautiful.
Cher in 1965 is my female beauty ideal. Her outfit is amazing, though nowhere near as amazing as Sonny's. Sonny's a Ringo!
They are so adorably in love with each other! The cutest parts:
1) At 1:33, Cher does a very cute little baby dance, and then Sonny sings "Put your little hand in mine," and she puts her little hand in his, and she does it in the cutest way possible. Cher loves Sonny so much!
2) At 1:51, right when Sonny starts to do that creepy thing where he goes up to the camera and sings the song to the audience in a psycho-seductive way that makes you think he's going to kill you, Cher does the cutest swingy-arms dance in the background!
3) The very end, when Sonny puts his arm around Cher and then kisses her. What a great life Sonny and Cher had, in 1965! It would be chill to get famous with your husband. Rest in Peace, Sonny.
Tuesday , June 29, 2010
Ringo Starr Eats Pizza & Reunites the Monkees!
I vaguely remember watching this Pizza Hut commercial when it first came out. I think it's in poor taste that Ringo says "Lads!", when you still think he's going to be reuniting the Beatles and not the Monkees (which is what ends up happening, in the twist ending), because, I don't know if anyone told the Pizza Hut commercial director about this, but John Lennon died, you know? So why is he calling out "Lads"? Is he calling "Lads!" to the heavens? Stop calling dead people "Lads," Ringo Starr. I don't like when Ringo gets macabre. It scares me.
Although my memories of watching this Pizza Hut commercial are vague, my memories of the cultural hubbub surrounding the introduction of the Pizza Hut cheese-filled crust and subsequent "Eat the crust first!" non-phenomenon are clear as crystal. That pizza was underwhelming, and disgusting. I'm so sorry Ringo Starr had to get involved.
Monday , June 14, 2010
Mary Kate And Zac Efron Talk About The Beatles
My friend Michaela just sent me this, after I sent her the Bill-Hader-as-Stefon clip that First Kiss Zine posted earlier today. Beatles part = best part. But Stefon beats Efron, by a country mile. I love when he talks about Alf wearing a trenchcoat.
Tuesday , May 11, 2010
OUT NOW: "Daria: The Complete Animated Series" on DVD!
A balm for droll, disaffected girls too smart for the moronicity of high school (and ergo, the rest of the world), the character of Daria Morgendorffer won my heart in the late 90s with her dry NPR-on-sarcasm voice, bitingly brainy point-of-view, and aggressive brand of apathy. No one could just refuse better than Daria, whether she was cutting down her popular sister Quinn or dealing with Beavis and Butt-head's shenanigans. "Daria" started as a spinoff of "Beavis and Butt-head" but quickly became a pop culture entity in its own right, and the show made caustic wit and ironic affect the true accessories for any self-respecting grrrl back in the day. (One of my favorite Daria quote: "Edgy and icky are so hard to tell apart these days." Dude, THAT IS STILL SO TRUE!) Now the complete "Daria" DVD series is finally out, and I'm just happy to be able to hang out with Daria and her best friend Jane Lane once more (and catch a glimpse of Jane's brother, Trent, lead singer of Mystik Spiral and Daria's mega-crush.) All I have to say is: LIFE IS AWESOME ONCE AGAIN.
The episode where the holidays hide out with Daria and she wonders if they're part of "an alternative lifestyles parade":
And of course, the video for Mystik Spiral's "Freakin' Friends"!
And more Mystik Spiral, because it's just too g-damn funny!
Tuesday , May 4, 2010
"Little Kids Lip-Synch to Seinfeld" is the "Kids Re-Enact The Hills" of Today
THIS IS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY FUNNY!!!!!!
Monday , July 27, 2009
Let's Cut Off Heidi Montag's Head And Hope Samantha Fox's Head Grows Back In Its Place
Up until a few weeks ago, when a buddy and I were reading Cosmo in bed on a lazy Saturday afternoon, I'd forgotten all about the existence of Samantha Fox (late'-80s popstar/Playboy model/professional "wild dame"). I can't recall what in particular dredged up the memory, but it makes sense that Cosmo would be the catalyst: Both Cosmo and Samantha are total trash, both fancy themselves so subversive and edgy when really they're just playing into the most utterly conventional notion of sexxxiness. But Samantha Fox is better than Cosmo 'cause she's so unintentionally kooky, as evidenced by the video for "Naughty Girls (Need Love To)." The part (at 2:22) when she demands "NO MORE FUN AND GAMES WITH THE MIND!" in that weird British-accented robot voice? Totally wacky! That's so my favorite non sequitur of the moment; I want everyone to use it at least once today, especially if you're in the process of breaking up with some evil and emotionally manipulative dude. I also want everyone to start referring to me as the "Samantha Fox of Fashion Bloggers," which will really encourage me to pursue my newly established goal of being "dirty but in a daffy way" on nogoodforme.com. Cool?
Another thing I want is to cut off Heidi Montag's head and have Samantha Fox's head grow in its place. Wouldn't that be a real treat to watch, albeit a very gross treat, like Sponch cakes? Think on it a little: What if Heidi Montag were this blatantly slutty hellcat instead of her actual plastic wackjob good-girl boring self? What if Heidi Montag had ambitions beyond becoming some creepy Jesus sextoy? What if Heidi Montag strutted around in pink hair and high-waisted stone-washed jeans and a black leather jacket with a yin-yang on the back? What if Heidi Montag ever behaved like someone you could actually imagine enjoying sex? What if Heidi Montag demanded "NO MORE FUN AND GAMES WITH THE MIND!" in a weird British-accented robot voice, then murdered her gross dumb sociopath of a husband with her bare hands?
I want all of this to happen, as swiftly as possible. And maybe it could, as Samantha and Heidi are kindred spirits in at least one way: Upon being asked, in the mid-'90s, how she could reconcile her dirrrty past with her then-newfound Christianity, Samantha replied: "God gave me my body. I know it has made many people happy. There is no conflict there." Similarly, a few months back on Twitter, Heidi accompanied a link to her puzzlingly low-budget "Blackout" video with the eloquently communicated observation that "God does not say to be ashamed of your body that he made." Then she said stuff like "getting a mani peti thank you Jesus!" and "why wont my hair grow?! forgive me God for caring so much!", and that was amazing too.
Of course, none of us here wants Heidi Montag to be ashamed of her body that God made. But, dude, if you're gonna hump a rope in a bikini on some deserted beach, at least look like you're having a good time doing it. When I was a nerdy fifth-grader watching MTV with some sodapop and a paper plate of microwave French fries after school, Samantha Fox seemed almost unnervingly dirty, but I never doubted that she was having heaps and heaps of fun. But Heidi Montag never seems like she's having fun, except when she's Twittering about shooting guns or eating corncakes. Heidi Montag is becoming some creepy Jesus sextoy, and I want to stop it, if only to keep it from happening to other girls too. Help? Cut off Heidi Montag's head for me? Or at least let's get her into some kind of British-dialect-coaching course, STAT.
Tags: Cosmopolitan magazine, cutting off Heidi Montag's head, fun with non sequitors, Greek mythology, Heidi Montag, MTV, Samantha Fox, saving the planet, Spencer Pratt, Sponch cakes, The Hills, the Samantha Fox of Fashion Bloggers, Twitter, videos
Monday , February 23, 2009
Dear Demitri Martin: I Love You, Sort Of
One very gross and drizzly Friday afternoon a couple weeks ago, I spent an entire bus ride to Hollywood with my hood pulled way far down over my head and my face buried in the issue of New York magazine with Demitri Martin's shaving-cream-covered, possibly cute mug on the cover. I hated the world a little bit that day, and I had a hard time telling whether or not Demitri Martin was worthy of some tiny smidge of non-hate (something to be doled out oh-so-sparingly on gross/drizzly Friday afternoons when the bus is so damn crowded and the dude next to you keeps coughing on your head). Before reading the cover story I only knew D.M. as The Fourth Conchord (and/or the vastly less offensive half of The Crazy Doggz), which of course put him very much in my favor. But then three columns into the New York story, the writer says how Demitri's like a stand-up comedian Wes Anderson would dream up, and some big part of me went bleccccchhh, despite the fact that I generally love Wes Anderson (for better or worser). Plus, I don't trust people who ride unicycles.
But it's stupid to try to figure out whether you love or hate a comedian without actually just sitting and watching said comedian tell his jokes. So over the course of the past two weeks I've viewed the below video about 10 times, and now I can say with complete certainty that I love Demitri Martin, sort of. He gets 1,000 points for wearing blue PJs and playing acoustic guitar throughout his entire stand-up set, but then I have to subtract about 20 points for the Wes Anderson-esque preciousness of such posturing. (Sorry, I'm a jerk!) My favorite gag's the one that starts at 1:01, but the bits about the naming of B vitamins and carrots are pretty classic as well. You should watch his new Comedy Central show, maybe, and then tell me if this weird-haired boy is worth loving all the way.
Thursday , May 8, 2008
Sharon Tate's Threads
This is kind of intense, even for me: I was trolling the web in search of the latest "Gossip Girl" news (I'm totally hooked! Serena OMFG!!!) and discovered through this article that there's going to be an exhibition of slain actress Sharon Tate's clothes in L.A. later this summer. I don't know why this strikes me as really morbid -- most likely it's the gruesome constellation of facts surrounding Tate's murder in 1969. Tate was quite beautiful and fashionable back in the day, and it might be nice to remember her in ways other than the circumstances of her death -- but it still makes you go whoa, doesn't it?